Mixed Emotions about AH going to treatment
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9
Mixed Emotions about AH going to treatment
Sunday I made my AH move out because I can't deal with the drinking any longer. Actually I have him one week to get out and he jumped the gun and moved out that night because he was so mad. So now he has spent all day working on getting into a 30 treatment facilty and should be leaving tomorrow. I feel releived and scared at the same time. I want him to be happy and do this for himself and not for me. It is so funny how once you stop playing into their game how much they change. Telling him to move out was no threat because I stood behind it and he is actually not even here tonight, I told him once he left no returning until he got help. Is it wrong of me to feel that I have forced him into treatment? I don't know how to feel, this disease is so messed up and even though I have read about it sometimes I just don't feel like I have done the right thing.
And yes I just looked up Al-anon meetings in the area today because I really think I need to attend along with gaining back my self-esteem.
*** Still in amazement that addiction can over take an entire family*****
And yes I just looked up Al-anon meetings in the area today because I really think I need to attend along with gaining back my self-esteem.
*** Still in amazement that addiction can over take an entire family*****
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Hey there!
The weird thing is, my fiancé doesn't fit the game you described. I tell him I'm moving out if he doesn't stop, he says "go ahead."
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
If you love him, the real him and not the alcoholic demon that creeps out of him, I'd be excited for his improvements. I think it really comes down to whether or not the relationship is able to be salvaged. Mine is very stubborn and won't do counseling or A/A at all. I could only hope he smartens up and checks out some programs like your hubby. I wish you all the best!
The weird thing is, my fiancé doesn't fit the game you described. I tell him I'm moving out if he doesn't stop, he says "go ahead."
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
If you love him, the real him and not the alcoholic demon that creeps out of him, I'd be excited for his improvements. I think it really comes down to whether or not the relationship is able to be salvaged. Mine is very stubborn and won't do counseling or A/A at all. I could only hope he smartens up and checks out some programs like your hubby. I wish you all the best!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
My therapist told me that sometimes it doesnt matter what gets them into treatment as for some this is enough for them to start seeing the good that can come from being sober and then they want it for themselves.
Of course there are those who relapse as soon as they come out because they felt as though they were forced into therapy, are in deep denial and they dont see that they even have a problem.
I left my AH of 23yrs years and moved into my own home. I went no contact and thought that I would never have my husband in my life again as he had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and I couldnt be part of that drinking life ever again.
Three months later, he contacted me, he didnt want to loose me, wanted me to be part of his life and would do whatever it took for that to happen. He didnt just say this though, he showed me this by telling me he had already been to see a doctor, was taking medication, had been to see a therapist and finally stopped drinking. He has been sober for 8 months now and is still doing really well in his recovery.
I would sleep in the spare room, threaten divorce, make him move out etc, take my wedding ring off, my gestures got more drastic over many years but I just wasnt serious enough and he knew they were empty threats. I think he knew that this time was different because I meant it. I was done, over rover and was prepared to be on my own, to live on my own.
Of course there are those who relapse as soon as they come out because they felt as though they were forced into therapy, are in deep denial and they dont see that they even have a problem.
I left my AH of 23yrs years and moved into my own home. I went no contact and thought that I would never have my husband in my life again as he had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and I couldnt be part of that drinking life ever again.
Three months later, he contacted me, he didnt want to loose me, wanted me to be part of his life and would do whatever it took for that to happen. He didnt just say this though, he showed me this by telling me he had already been to see a doctor, was taking medication, had been to see a therapist and finally stopped drinking. He has been sober for 8 months now and is still doing really well in his recovery.
I would sleep in the spare room, threaten divorce, make him move out etc, take my wedding ring off, my gestures got more drastic over many years but I just wasnt serious enough and he knew they were empty threats. I think he knew that this time was different because I meant it. I was done, over rover and was prepared to be on my own, to live on my own.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Don't get ahead of yourself.
He moved out. You go to al-anon. Take advantage of the 'space' you now have to breath and begin to think clearly.
I had a similar experience with my xah. It takes more then 30 days of treatment to see if someone has any chance of recovery. You might consider maintaining separate living conditions for awhile after he is done with treatment (if he even goes). I wanted 12 months but relented in the end so he came home. It was by far one of the biggest mistakes I made. He was drinking again w/in two weeks and everything was worse then ever - way worse then before I told him I wanted him to move out.
He moved out. You go to al-anon. Take advantage of the 'space' you now have to breath and begin to think clearly.
I had a similar experience with my xah. It takes more then 30 days of treatment to see if someone has any chance of recovery. You might consider maintaining separate living conditions for awhile after he is done with treatment (if he even goes). I wanted 12 months but relented in the end so he came home. It was by far one of the biggest mistakes I made. He was drinking again w/in two weeks and everything was worse then ever - way worse then before I told him I wanted him to move out.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
I forced my AH into treatment too by giving him an ultimatum.
Either you give up or you loose us.
He did the 30 day treatment and stayed sober for 6 months - when he started drinking again I was destroyed BUT didn't leave him. 6 years on and another treatment under the belt and he's still drinking. I made him leave in November and he's still drinking on and off.
He won't give up until he REALLY wants to...acceptance is so hard for the A and sometimes even losing everything doesn't make them stop.
I wish you both the best of luck
M.
Either you give up or you loose us.
He did the 30 day treatment and stayed sober for 6 months - when he started drinking again I was destroyed BUT didn't leave him. 6 years on and another treatment under the belt and he's still drinking. I made him leave in November and he's still drinking on and off.
He won't give up until he REALLY wants to...acceptance is so hard for the A and sometimes even losing everything doesn't make them stop.
I wish you both the best of luck
M.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
The alcoholic is the real him...
This, right here, is one of the biggest problems with codependent people and our perspective on alcoholics: 
Just like my RAW, He is the sum total of all his parts, and alcoholism comes with it. There is no Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde even if it appears that way. There's just him. Don't allow the idea that there's some ideal "real him," or succomb to passive aggressive guilt trips implying that you aren't loving him enough. Ugh.
Working on life you did the right thing, and you didn't force him into treatment. He is the reason he has problems, he is the reason he got kicked out of the house, he is the reason he needs treatment, and he is the one who has to solve his problems-- all by himself like the grown-ass man he is.
Good for you. Keep holding him accountable and letting him suffer the consequences of his choices and he has a chance at recovery-- just a chance, there are no guarantees and most people relapse after their first go-round in treatment. He may, or he may not relapse, but it's his, not yours. And, you may or may not stay married. Sobriety does not save marriages, but it gives marriages that can be saved a better chance to do so.
And good for you too for trying Alanon. You just might find yourself becoming a happy person whether he keeps drinking or not.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by skarletstarlet 
If you love him, the real him and not the alcoholic demon that creeps out of him, I'd be excited for his improvements.
Just like my RAW, He is the sum total of all his parts, and alcoholism comes with it. There is no Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde even if it appears that way. There's just him. Don't allow the idea that there's some ideal "real him," or succomb to passive aggressive guilt trips implying that you aren't loving him enough. Ugh.
Working on life you did the right thing, and you didn't force him into treatment. He is the reason he has problems, he is the reason he got kicked out of the house, he is the reason he needs treatment, and he is the one who has to solve his problems-- all by himself like the grown-ass man he is.
Good for you. Keep holding him accountable and letting him suffer the consequences of his choices and he has a chance at recovery-- just a chance, there are no guarantees and most people relapse after their first go-round in treatment. He may, or he may not relapse, but it's his, not yours. And, you may or may not stay married. Sobriety does not save marriages, but it gives marriages that can be saved a better chance to do so.
And good for you too for trying Alanon. You just might find yourself becoming a happy person whether he keeps drinking or not.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest letting go of expectations, which can destroy any relationship.
Alcoholics -- both active and recovering -- different in terms of morals, intellect, empathy, determination, honesty (especially self-honesty). In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "alcohol was but a symptom", we are very screwed up people. I'm still working on some issues 20 years after coming through the door.
This is his recovery. He must get sober on his own . The first four months area time of roller coaster emotions for many (not all). It is very very difficult.
Alcoholics -- both active and recovering -- different in terms of morals, intellect, empathy, determination, honesty (especially self-honesty). In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "alcohol was but a symptom", we are very screwed up people. I'm still working on some issues 20 years after coming through the door.
This is his recovery. He must get sober on his own . The first four months area time of roller coaster emotions for many (not all). It is very very difficult.
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