Triggers and Exhaustion

Old 03-05-2012, 10:01 AM
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Triggers and Exhaustion

I just came into ACA from AA. I've been clean and sober many years and gone through the steps thoroughly, which led me to ACA. My question is about exhaustion.

Since my first day in AA I automatically "got it" that i was there to heal and help others. To my surprise, I immediately began to receive some terrible behavior, girl cliques, etc., and lately I've actually been getting people contacting me online, text message and via phone to intentionally manipulate me. I know these AAs are suffering and looking for relief, and I believe my Adult Child fear and vulnerability leaves me as a perfect target.

I am not trying to be a victim, I know I could do better staving it off - and will. But here's my question:

Around 1 year sober i started being exhausted. This has gotten worse over time and I can't work or commit to anything because I'm tired. Could AA have been triggering me all these years? Is being there the same thing as being in my childhome home again?

I am trying to decide if I should leave AA and JUSt do ACA but part of me is afraid I'll drink, although I suppose I can do my spiritual stepwork in AA at home while continuing this journey with only ACA meetings.
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Old 03-05-2012, 10:07 AM
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I lived with two ACA members growing up, and though I attend some AA meetings they are open only.

I am in recovery from an eating disorder however.

The reason I am writing is that I am experiencing similar exhaustion. I talked with my therapist about it and she let me see that healing is hard work and exhausting. We are making new brain pathways, and at least for me I am trying to get out of the crazy hamster wheel of do, do, do that in my codependant ways I am so familiar with. I imagine it like my framwork/structure being tilted like the leaning tower of Pisa, and me tearing that down and building it again. I know that is good for me, but to let go of stuff that I have grown up with can be anxiety provoking, and building a healthy framework takes a lot too.

It helped me to see that maybe for me this is part of the process.
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Old 03-05-2012, 10:20 AM
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I have heard before that healing is exhausting. But 10 years of exhaustion? Not able to take naps because I'm so angry? This got a little better on some days for a while when i was closest to God around Step 5 in AA but it got worse again.

Reading my own top-post above, I almost saw in there that maybe the ultimate answer is still going to be in what I was taught in AA - acceptance. And asking God for strength to overcome my fear and be myself. Maybe I just won't stop fighting people places and things.

Thank you for your post.
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Old 03-05-2012, 12:18 PM
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I also feel exhausted when I am working on healing emotional/psychological stuff, especially if there is any type of major awareness taking place. It really is exhausting--physically, mentally, emotionally--but worth it, of course.

I'm really sorry that you're experiencing the negative side of AA personalities right now. I also went to NA meetings for about a decade, and I would occasionally run into some seriously negative behavior...as you mentioned, cliques, predatory behavior and/or manipulative behavior, etc.

What I noticed was that it really depended on the meetings I was going to. I'm fortunate in the sense that I live in a city where there are probably at least 5-10 AA or NA meetings to choose from every night, and that's not counting the meetings that are in the suburbs.

Is it possible for you to find meetings with maybe a different group of people? You may have already tried that, of course, so I hope I'm not pointing out the obvious.

I personally stopped going to NA a few years ago, focused on some spiritual work, and then recently began working on my ACA issues--but I'm not the one to say whether cutting out meetings works very well for everyone. Maybe just trying to go a little further out of your way to get to meetings with a healthier group of people, if possible...or, as you said, giving it your best to accept people, places, and things.

I hope things get better, and thank you for sharing.

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Old 03-05-2012, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by gplmdyw View Post
To my surprise, I immediately began to receive some terrible behavior, girl cliques, etc., and lately I've actually been getting people contacting me online, text message and via phone to intentionally manipulate me. I know these AAs are suffering and looking for relief, and I believe my Adult Child fear and vulnerability leaves me as a perfect target.
I re-read this part of your post and can relate to this also.

ALL of my relationship are changing, and I am starting to realize what a stuck situation I get into with relationship from people that can act this way.

This is exhausting also. For me (only), I am realizing though that there is a reason I attract this behavior from others into my life. Luckily I was also given the tools to change this.

I have been in recovery 12 years from my ED. Except for a bout of Mono 7 years ago I truly am more tired then I have ever been.
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:23 PM
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I, as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, would find it hard to be with those in the throes of alcoholism. It would be exhausting. I have a dear friend right now that has lost everything, spouse, children, home, due to alcoholism and I can't bring myself to be in contact. This person has been through extensive treatment many times but can't find freedom yet.

I don't want to presume to tell you to quit but maybe give it a test by attending ACA instead of AA for a couple weeks and see if you improve your exhaustion.
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Old 03-07-2012, 05:29 PM
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Thank you all, you're very kind people.

I will try both types of meetings for now and see what materializes. As ACA friend said on phone yesterday:
"Don't analyze it or you'll paralyze it. Just keep following directions."
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Old 03-08-2012, 04:06 AM
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Around 1 year sober i started being exhausted. This has gotten worse over time and I can't work or commit to anything because I'm tired.
Depending on how long you were an active alcoholic, you may have some medical issues as well. I would strongly urge you to go see your doctor, have your thyroid hormones (all of them, not just the TSH) checked. Also have them check your iron (all of them, not just hemoglobin/hemocrit, make sure they check your ferritin levels as well). Also check your vitamin D levels.

All of the above can lead to perpetual exhaustion, something I went through also. Physical exhaustion the likes of which were nearly disabling. Turned out I had low D and ferritin levels (very very low levels). These are all very easy things to fix.

In addition, you may want to talk to your doctor about anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (they're the ones who can prescribe meds). In some cases, depression or chemical imbalances can cause this kind of exhaustion. I've seen a lot of estimates about alcoholism and depression and the guesses at how many alcoholics are depressed and are self medicating. Depression, particularly a type of depression called "apathetic depression" can present as exhaustion: no energy, can't motivate to get out of bed, can't motivate to feed oneself, can't be bothered with showering, every task seems insurmountable and like a mountain to climb.

All of that being said, recovery is exhausting. And it is not fast. I've been in recovery in various stages for over 20 years now. It is still exhausting on some days. Give yourself permission to be exhausted. If you fight it and think you "shouldn't" be exhausted, it will only make things worse. Take a nap. Take a day to put your own needs (and I don't mean physical) first. Take another nap. Watch a movie that you'd never admit to your friends. Spend time taking care of yourself with the same degree of love, caring and understanding that you use when you take care of others (this may take some work on your end, you'll have to keep asking yourself "If I was someone else, how would I treat me?")

Welcome to the board. People here understand. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone in the world can make a huge difference. It certainly has for me.
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:48 PM
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Thanks Ginger. I'm taking all the supplements and had the thyroid levels checked. I think it's emotional and will have to be worked through in both programs. Interesting that you mentioned treating myself as i would treat others. I read that somewhere yesterday, either the Alanon daily meditation or the Red Book or somewhere...I taped a post-it on my computer and wrote on it, "Be as good to yourself as you'd be to your fellow man". I look forward to learning a lot from you folks on this board.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:09 PM
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If you're supplementing with iron and haven't had a blood test that tells you that you are deficient, it is especially important to also supplement with B12, because iron supplements can actually mask a B12 deficiency until serious symptoms crop up.

My first thought when I read about your exhaustion was B12, actually. Chronic stress can absolutely deplete this nutrient - I found that I was deficient and after starting on B12 shots once a month, my energy is SO much better.

It goes without saying, but a generally healthy diet is important, too - for detoxing, berries, tropical fruits, leafy greens & cruciferous vegetables (like kale, broccoli & cauliflower) are especially important. A glass of carrot juice with a shot of wheatgrass each night will help calm the adrenal glands (related to thyroid, and overworked in times of stress) so they can heal and you can sleep, with less anxiety.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:13 PM
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Easy on the medical advice people. We get a lot of fringe type folks peddling their books and potions so we ask that _everybody_ refrain from medical advice. Besides, SR is not licensed for medical info so even physicians are asked to abstain.

Please limit yourselves to your personal experience only.

thank you

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Old 03-23-2012, 07:26 PM
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Hi GPL,

Other posters have just about said it all- nice to read them...

About 6 years I suffered from total exhaustion. To describe this
I would say: a living nightmare- struggling to get to sleep at night:
And struggling to stay awake by day...

Sometimes i would get so angry and frustrated. And then I found
that taking a daytime nap cleared my head some what.

I had along way to go! I guess I had post traumatic stress. I
had tried everything with the 12 steps...

...I tried controlling my sleeping times. A total failure!
So I went for it. Sometimes at work I would nap to 8-12
minutes. Sometimes when driving I would have forty winks.
[I would pull over first, of course.]

The daytime naps actually improved my night sleeping.

I made it a rule not to get up in the morning B4 5 am.
Even if I just lay there and rested. [I am a real morning person.]

Slowly my sleeping patterns have improved.

A good topic- thanks,

DavidG
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Old 03-24-2012, 12:13 PM
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Then here's my non-medical "medical advice" rephrased so it's clear: get tested by a doctor before treating yourself for deficiencies that may or may not exist.

And don't eat crap. Simple.
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