Fiance is an alcoholic, I'm left cleaning up...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Fiance is an alcoholic, I'm left cleaning up...
Hey guys
I am 22 years old and I am a full time student. My fiance and I live apart from our families. Since we began living alone in Feb 2011, he has been slowly becoming an alcoholic. He drinks at 7 a.m., he drinks at 11 a.m., he drinks alone, he drinks when he's sad, he drinks for the heck of it...
We have two small children together whom I mainly care for because he is such a mess most of the time. The issue here is that he is getting too much input from his folks. His dad is an alcoholic and drinks at work (my fiance works with his dad). His mom is an enabler to both him and his dad. PLUS his parents constantly put me down (saying things about how I don't cook real food, how I don't contribute monetarily, etc.) I do cook, its just they don't like the meals I cook such as home made beef stew and lasagna. I do contribute by buying anything the kids or I need and groceries.
I think my fiance drinks because its acceptable for his dad to, as well because he thinks I'm friggen terrible because of what THEY tell him!
I had to leave Saturday night because he kicked me out. He was drunk and trying to drive so I wouldn't let him. He was also cooking and seconds away from burning our place down. He finally passed out so I turned the oven and burners off and left with HIS kids in his car so he couldn't drive later if he woke up.
I feel so lost and alone. 2 kids at 22, all alone, stuck at home with mom and dad in one bedroom... in school, trying to get to med school. Meanwhile, he has what he wants now - we aren't there to stop him from drinking, we aren't there to nag him. He was googling liquor stores at 8 am to see the earliest time one near us opened. I am scared for him, but also mad that he is doing this to us.
I've left a couple times and tried to stay on track. He calls me and I move back based on promises of going to AA, meetings, etc. He never goes and continues to drink.
Please help me I feel so sad and lost in the world.
I am 22 years old and I am a full time student. My fiance and I live apart from our families. Since we began living alone in Feb 2011, he has been slowly becoming an alcoholic. He drinks at 7 a.m., he drinks at 11 a.m., he drinks alone, he drinks when he's sad, he drinks for the heck of it...
We have two small children together whom I mainly care for because he is such a mess most of the time. The issue here is that he is getting too much input from his folks. His dad is an alcoholic and drinks at work (my fiance works with his dad). His mom is an enabler to both him and his dad. PLUS his parents constantly put me down (saying things about how I don't cook real food, how I don't contribute monetarily, etc.) I do cook, its just they don't like the meals I cook such as home made beef stew and lasagna. I do contribute by buying anything the kids or I need and groceries.
I think my fiance drinks because its acceptable for his dad to, as well because he thinks I'm friggen terrible because of what THEY tell him!
I had to leave Saturday night because he kicked me out. He was drunk and trying to drive so I wouldn't let him. He was also cooking and seconds away from burning our place down. He finally passed out so I turned the oven and burners off and left with HIS kids in his car so he couldn't drive later if he woke up.
I feel so lost and alone. 2 kids at 22, all alone, stuck at home with mom and dad in one bedroom... in school, trying to get to med school. Meanwhile, he has what he wants now - we aren't there to stop him from drinking, we aren't there to nag him. He was googling liquor stores at 8 am to see the earliest time one near us opened. I am scared for him, but also mad that he is doing this to us.
I've left a couple times and tried to stay on track. He calls me and I move back based on promises of going to AA, meetings, etc. He never goes and continues to drink.
Please help me I feel so sad and lost in the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Hi anvilhead,
you are correct. There is no place for us in that "home." It is a sexist home where the woman must clean and cook while the husband comes home, puts his feet up, drinks, and ignores us.
I heard he's moving back in with his parents. It makes me mad because WE were forced out of our home because of him. he gets off scott free and will live with mom and dad again, drinking as much as he wants, paying me to take care of his kids. Where is his responsibility?
you are correct. There is no place for us in that "home." It is a sexist home where the woman must clean and cook while the husband comes home, puts his feet up, drinks, and ignores us.
I heard he's moving back in with his parents. It makes me mad because WE were forced out of our home because of him. he gets off scott free and will live with mom and dad again, drinking as much as he wants, paying me to take care of his kids. Where is his responsibility?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, skarlet. Sorry for the situation that brought you here, but you are in the right place for support, experience, and wisdom. Please read the "stickies" at the top of our page.
I was just a little bit older than you with two kids and being a full time student in a rocky marriage (he was not an A) and here I sit, some years later, with two master's degrees. It is possible, don't give up. Take advantage of all the resources available to you to achieve your goals.
And now that you are gone - stay gone until he shows you he has changed his ways. If he doesn't, stay gone. You can't make him grow up, and you have enough on your plate. So stay away and let him grow up on his own terms.
And don't hesitate to attend an Al-Anon meeting (or five) where you can find face-to-face support. It saved my sanity!
Take good care,
~T
I was just a little bit older than you with two kids and being a full time student in a rocky marriage (he was not an A) and here I sit, some years later, with two master's degrees. It is possible, don't give up. Take advantage of all the resources available to you to achieve your goals.
And now that you are gone - stay gone until he shows you he has changed his ways. If he doesn't, stay gone. You can't make him grow up, and you have enough on your plate. So stay away and let him grow up on his own terms.
And don't hesitate to attend an Al-Anon meeting (or five) where you can find face-to-face support. It saved my sanity!
Take good care,
~T
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and we are here to support you.
I too wanted to believe my AH (alcoholic husband) about how he was going to make changes. I learned here at SR and through Alanon to stop listening to his empty promises and start looking at his actions. Mine said one thing and did another. His actions did not match his words.
I also learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to him.
You and your precious children are not powerful enough to fix him.
Take all the time you need to work on your needs and your childrens safety.
You are a good mom!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and we are here to support you.
I too wanted to believe my AH (alcoholic husband) about how he was going to make changes. I learned here at SR and through Alanon to stop listening to his empty promises and start looking at his actions. Mine said one thing and did another. His actions did not match his words.
I also learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to him.
You and your precious children are not powerful enough to fix him.
Take all the time you need to work on your needs and your childrens safety.
You are a good mom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Thank you everyone!
I can't get sucked back in. I must break the cycle. I have to do right by my kids. Today he called me to ask when I'm coming home. I told him I simply can't. He told me its all my fault that he drinks. If I had dinner made every night, if I cleaned more, if I (insert something that is what I sort of already do, but its hard with 2 kids and school). I said "that is your alcoholism talking honey."
I am very bothered right now. He told me he got a 6 pack from his brother. He gave it to my fiancé after my fiancé told him how horrible it is to live with me. I always trout his brother was a smart guy. I guess growing up with an alcoholic dad has corrupted him too. He said he can't believe how much of a mess I am and he feels sorry for my fiancé! I am so hurt, upset, you name it... I sent his brother a tactful message about what it's like to live in my life ad well as what enabling is (because BIL is enabling by giving him beer and saying its justified by my so called behavior). Sheesh. I feel like I'm fighting a country of unending tended or uneducated people, let alone a person or a disease.
I can't get sucked back in. I must break the cycle. I have to do right by my kids. Today he called me to ask when I'm coming home. I told him I simply can't. He told me its all my fault that he drinks. If I had dinner made every night, if I cleaned more, if I (insert something that is what I sort of already do, but its hard with 2 kids and school). I said "that is your alcoholism talking honey."
I am very bothered right now. He told me he got a 6 pack from his brother. He gave it to my fiancé after my fiancé told him how horrible it is to live with me. I always trout his brother was a smart guy. I guess growing up with an alcoholic dad has corrupted him too. He said he can't believe how much of a mess I am and he feels sorry for my fiancé! I am so hurt, upset, you name it... I sent his brother a tactful message about what it's like to live in my life ad well as what enabling is (because BIL is enabling by giving him beer and saying its justified by my so called behavior). Sheesh. I feel like I'm fighting a country of unending tended or uneducated people, let alone a person or a disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I think so too anvil. It really sucks because his mom is so good with the kids. She has helped me out so much by taking them so I could go to school or when we moved in. It's going to be hard to tell her that she can't see them because of her sons and husband. I guess she can come here and visit but it's not the same. She likes having them overnight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I think so too. I just hope she sees why I'm doing this. I'm not having a hissy fit or being a drama queen. Her son needs help! I've lined up bottles and shown her a weekend binge before and she told me its not a problem until its been going on for a few years! She also told me (totally fed to her by FIL) the shop they work in has poisonous chemicals in the air that enter their blood. It can only be removed by alcohol. Bah. I feel sorry for her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I think she's a beat down Codie. FIL told me he used to beat her when they were younger if he didn't get what he wanted. Ever since I knew her she's always been subservient and like a slave to him and the boys. I may be ignorant but I think it's their culture. I can now see why she doesn't stand up to them. I often wonder - is she jealous of me because I have a backbone and stand up to it? Or is she just so confused that she thinks I'm being a cow by standing up to it? I should mention - she couldn't leave if she wanted to. They moved here from Poland and she speaks barely any English.
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