My daughter is asking about my family...
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
My daughter is asking about my family...
...and I don't know what to tell her! I haven't spoken to my family for as long as she's been alive (6 years). It was alright when she was smaller, but now that's she's older and in school, she's starting to ask where my mom is and where my dad is. Telling her where my dad is easy because he died about 10 years ago, but I don't know what to say about my mother's family.
I know people say that my friends are my family and such, but for me, that really isn't the case. I was nomadic during my late teens and all through my 20's so I don't really have a lot of deep, deep friendships. I can honestly say I have three friends. I don't know anyone that can serve as pseudo-grandparents to my kids.
My husband's family is great, but it only consists of two people! The majority of his family is from another country, so it's only him, his mother and his father that's here, and his mother and father are divorced, and doesn't come around much. So the only extended family my kids have is one person. Meanwhile, my family is enormous.
Has anyone gone through this? What have you done to overcome it?
I know people say that my friends are my family and such, but for me, that really isn't the case. I was nomadic during my late teens and all through my 20's so I don't really have a lot of deep, deep friendships. I can honestly say I have three friends. I don't know anyone that can serve as pseudo-grandparents to my kids.
My husband's family is great, but it only consists of two people! The majority of his family is from another country, so it's only him, his mother and his father that's here, and his mother and father are divorced, and doesn't come around much. So the only extended family my kids have is one person. Meanwhile, my family is enormous.
Has anyone gone through this? What have you done to overcome it?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Yes, many of us have been through this because we were raised by alcoholics who are/were damaged people.
I have a huge family 8 aunts and uncles on each side, 2 dozen first cousins, hundreds of distant relatives, I see virtually none of them for a multitude of reasons including addiction, incest, physical abuse, other criminal behaviors.
We have adopted people who are rational and functional, who are good role models, who love our children unconditionally, and feel no need to constantly criticize.
We have used, school sports and other activities, 4-h, the ymca sports leagues.
We do not dwell on the dysfunctional people in our family, our children know who they must at all costs never be alone with, but we never dwell on it, we answer their questions in a appropriate ways.
Many times we just tell our children that these people have hurt others and cannot be considered a trusted adult. As they got older and asked more questions we gave more detailed answers. Now at 11 & 13 they are very comfortable with the life we live, they have filled in the holes in their lives with people that they have chosen (and we have thoroughly vetted).
Kids are incredibly adaptable, if you ask my kids about their grandparents, they will tell you they love them, but that they don't see them often, and they (the grandparents) have made little effort to be in their lives, I used to worry, did they feel abandoned, the answer seems to be that you don't miss what you've never had.
Well anyway, I hope all this helps, I as usual am rambling along here trying to share and be coherent at the same time.
Best of luck,
Bill
I have a huge family 8 aunts and uncles on each side, 2 dozen first cousins, hundreds of distant relatives, I see virtually none of them for a multitude of reasons including addiction, incest, physical abuse, other criminal behaviors.
We have adopted people who are rational and functional, who are good role models, who love our children unconditionally, and feel no need to constantly criticize.
We have used, school sports and other activities, 4-h, the ymca sports leagues.
We do not dwell on the dysfunctional people in our family, our children know who they must at all costs never be alone with, but we never dwell on it, we answer their questions in a appropriate ways.
Many times we just tell our children that these people have hurt others and cannot be considered a trusted adult. As they got older and asked more questions we gave more detailed answers. Now at 11 & 13 they are very comfortable with the life we live, they have filled in the holes in their lives with people that they have chosen (and we have thoroughly vetted).
Kids are incredibly adaptable, if you ask my kids about their grandparents, they will tell you they love them, but that they don't see them often, and they (the grandparents) have made little effort to be in their lives, I used to worry, did they feel abandoned, the answer seems to be that you don't miss what you've never had.
Well anyway, I hope all this helps, I as usual am rambling along here trying to share and be coherent at the same time.
Best of luck,
Bill
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ventura, CA
Posts: 10
I think you just have to be honest. I would make an appointment with a therapist for a one time session if you don't already have one, and find the correct wording to say that's truthful but appropriate for a six year old. Something along the lines of, "Well Mommy's family doesn't live very healthy lives, so Mommy chose not see them anymore in order to protect us from them. Maybe one day when they become healthy or when you are older when can visit them, but until then, we have our own family. We might have a small family, but we are still a family."
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes it is an odd predicament isn't it? Though we saw my folks they were not nice people and didn't participate in my daughters life like the inlaws did and she saw through that quickly. I always treated my folks with respect whether they deserved it or not and shared with my daughter little by little. She has dozens of cousins that she doesn't even know that mostly live in the same town with us. By 16 or so I told the truth and she liked to use it against me as teens do. But I think she got over that. Take it slow and just redirect her. She is too young to understand anything real right now. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
Wait, what, Kialua? How could you daughter possibly use it against you? I'm sorry you had to do deal with that.
Ugh, yes, it's so awkward!!
Last night my daughter was drawing hearts for everyone in her family. She had one for my husband's parents, his sister, even the dog. Then she looked at me and said, 'Where's your mommy and daddy? What's their names?' She was just sitting there, waiting patiently with a crayon in her hand. I glanced at my husband and he looked just as stuck as I felt. I call my mother by her first name, so it's very weird to me to refer to my mother as my daughter's grandmother. Does that make any sense at all? Technically, she didn't raise me. My grandmother did, so that further complicates things.
I know that now is not the time to break all this down to my daughter, but it is definitely anxiety inducing. Actually, I think it rips off the band-aid and it reminds me of the fact that my family is a mess.
So, I told her my father's name. I told her to put wings on that heart because he was in heaven. I told her my mother's name and she drew the heart, but then asked me where she was. I became flustered and told her that we would talk about it another time. The good thing about 6 year-olds, well, my 6 year-old is that they don't press the issue, for now!
Ugh, yes, it's so awkward!!
Last night my daughter was drawing hearts for everyone in her family. She had one for my husband's parents, his sister, even the dog. Then she looked at me and said, 'Where's your mommy and daddy? What's their names?' She was just sitting there, waiting patiently with a crayon in her hand. I glanced at my husband and he looked just as stuck as I felt. I call my mother by her first name, so it's very weird to me to refer to my mother as my daughter's grandmother. Does that make any sense at all? Technically, she didn't raise me. My grandmother did, so that further complicates things.
I know that now is not the time to break all this down to my daughter, but it is definitely anxiety inducing. Actually, I think it rips off the band-aid and it reminds me of the fact that my family is a mess.
So, I told her my father's name. I told her to put wings on that heart because he was in heaven. I told her my mother's name and she drew the heart, but then asked me where she was. I became flustered and told her that we would talk about it another time. The good thing about 6 year-olds, well, my 6 year-old is that they don't press the issue, for now!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes she used it against me. When she got mad, as teens do, she would blurt out "Just because you were abused and had mean parents you don't have to be so mean" when I grounded her or some other light form of punishment. That's all. It was frustrating at the time but I ignored it. She was a pretty feisty teen. So the less you tell them the better.
Sounds like you handled that well. Just tell your daughter your Mom's name and your Grandma's name and let it go at that because she can't process all the complications yet. Just tell her what she needs to know, and try to find some benign stories of your childhood and your Mom, if you can at all. Even a one time episode like reading a book or just sitting together and the sun was shining so bright. Paint a nice picture for her now. I can only remember 14 happy times in my life to 18 years old but I told my daughter stories of playing at the grandparents farm, skating at the pond, making carmel rolls, milking cows, reading at the library, walking to school, naming cars that drove by. I had to reach hard and far but found some fun stories for her. They don't have to magic, just told happily.
Our kids don't need our burdens, they are not in the position of understanding it. I know some friends that have told their kids all the bad details and it hasn't served them well.
As your child(ren) grow you will have many of those anxiety inducing moments. I had many eye opening moments. And they don't stop, even as they become adults I find myself marveling at how cruel and unavailable my folks were when I compare my daughters life with mine. But dealing with the 12 step process however you can does help with having a happier life. Specially giving them undeserving forgiveness.
Sounds like you handled that well. Just tell your daughter your Mom's name and your Grandma's name and let it go at that because she can't process all the complications yet. Just tell her what she needs to know, and try to find some benign stories of your childhood and your Mom, if you can at all. Even a one time episode like reading a book or just sitting together and the sun was shining so bright. Paint a nice picture for her now. I can only remember 14 happy times in my life to 18 years old but I told my daughter stories of playing at the grandparents farm, skating at the pond, making carmel rolls, milking cows, reading at the library, walking to school, naming cars that drove by. I had to reach hard and far but found some fun stories for her. They don't have to magic, just told happily.
Our kids don't need our burdens, they are not in the position of understanding it. I know some friends that have told their kids all the bad details and it hasn't served them well.
As your child(ren) grow you will have many of those anxiety inducing moments. I had many eye opening moments. And they don't stop, even as they become adults I find myself marveling at how cruel and unavailable my folks were when I compare my daughters life with mine. But dealing with the 12 step process however you can does help with having a happier life. Specially giving them undeserving forgiveness.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
I see, and you know, I never thought to not tell them. Actually, I have never thought about it either way, but I am glad I now have a heads up. It makes a lot of sense to keep it quiet, as people often do use things against you. I have heard the sentence, "Just because you . . ." more times than I care to count.
You know what, having children was an eye-opening moment. For many, many years I thought a lot of things were my fault. I carried around a lot shame and a lot of guilt. Once I had children, and saw them do the same innocuous things I did as a child, I grew to realize that I wasn't the one with the problem.
I remember my mother clocked my brother in the head with a bucket when he peed in his pants. He was potty training, at 18 months might I add, and looking back, there was no way he was ready. My mother grew so enraged that she threw a bucket and hit him in the head. The crazy thing is, some way, somehow, my mother blamed him for that. When she talks about it, you would think she was talking about a grown man, not a toddler. When I look at my son, I can't even wrap my mind around the idea of hitting him, let alone throwing something at him. There have been quite a few moments like that, and I am grateful for them. It was THE greatest experience that helped me change and get better.
You know what, having children was an eye-opening moment. For many, many years I thought a lot of things were my fault. I carried around a lot shame and a lot of guilt. Once I had children, and saw them do the same innocuous things I did as a child, I grew to realize that I wasn't the one with the problem.
I remember my mother clocked my brother in the head with a bucket when he peed in his pants. He was potty training, at 18 months might I add, and looking back, there was no way he was ready. My mother grew so enraged that she threw a bucket and hit him in the head. The crazy thing is, some way, somehow, my mother blamed him for that. When she talks about it, you would think she was talking about a grown man, not a toddler. When I look at my son, I can't even wrap my mind around the idea of hitting him, let alone throwing something at him. There have been quite a few moments like that, and I am grateful for them. It was THE greatest experience that helped me change and get better.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I know -right?! It's amazing and it just continues to the time your kids grow up. All along the way you are going to say Wow, my parents suck! LOL It's so refreshing to know others have had the same experience. I try to tell my friends but they just don't understand. TMI for them.
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Thanks for posting this and to everyone for sharing.
It's important stuff for me to read, with a little guy crawling around the house. I have often pondered with my husband about how/when/if we will address the issues of my mother's behaviors and attitudes with my son (she's still in our lives, although she lives a blissful three hours away, and over a mountain pass).
My husband and I have also had our own experiences with substance abuse and addiction, and we've often wondered if that's even something that we will ever want/need to share with our son.
Thankfully, he will not grow up with any memory of that sort of activity or behavior, although I tend to think it's important to be honest with kids...but how to word things, and when, is a tough one. Also, choosing how much to edit and how much to share...
We do worry a bit about my mom's incessant need to point out people's weaknesses rather than their strengths, and how that might affect him. Hopefully he will have healthier family and friends around to compensate for that, and we will set boundaries with her as needed when it comes to how she conducts herself around him.
Now if I could just get a grip on my own learned behaviors, that will be swell.
As far as asking about grandparents, I remember being the same way about my dad's parents. He would never talk about them at all when I was a kid, and I would press him about it. I had a huge family on my mom's side, but I always wondered who my dad's parents were, what they were like, etc.
Only later in life did I finally realize (and he finally became willing to talk about it) that his mother was schizophrenic, they were taken by the state into one of the most atrocious foster homes, and their lives were full of neglect and all kinds of abuse.
It's a tough call to make, so thanks again for the insight and the thread.
It's important stuff for me to read, with a little guy crawling around the house. I have often pondered with my husband about how/when/if we will address the issues of my mother's behaviors and attitudes with my son (she's still in our lives, although she lives a blissful three hours away, and over a mountain pass).
My husband and I have also had our own experiences with substance abuse and addiction, and we've often wondered if that's even something that we will ever want/need to share with our son.
Thankfully, he will not grow up with any memory of that sort of activity or behavior, although I tend to think it's important to be honest with kids...but how to word things, and when, is a tough one. Also, choosing how much to edit and how much to share...
We do worry a bit about my mom's incessant need to point out people's weaknesses rather than their strengths, and how that might affect him. Hopefully he will have healthier family and friends around to compensate for that, and we will set boundaries with her as needed when it comes to how she conducts herself around him.
Now if I could just get a grip on my own learned behaviors, that will be swell.
As far as asking about grandparents, I remember being the same way about my dad's parents. He would never talk about them at all when I was a kid, and I would press him about it. I had a huge family on my mom's side, but I always wondered who my dad's parents were, what they were like, etc.
Only later in life did I finally realize (and he finally became willing to talk about it) that his mother was schizophrenic, they were taken by the state into one of the most atrocious foster homes, and their lives were full of neglect and all kinds of abuse.
It's a tough call to make, so thanks again for the insight and the thread.
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