In transition- kicked him out a week ago
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
In transition- kicked him out a week ago
I last posted a year ago, having hunches that my husband was using again. A lot of things have changed in the last year. I got a new job that I love, it's physical work that keeps me in shape and I love the crew that I work with. My 2 older children have started high school and middle school- I'm watching them become young adults, and good ones at that!
My husband, on the other hand, has fallen off of the wagon entirely. Some months ago it became apparent that he was smoking pot again. Then a quick downward spiral as he failed a quarter in college, was ticketed because an officer saw him smoking pot in his car while driving!, sold his car to avoid being 'tagged' by police, failed to handle the ticket and i believe has a warrant out for that now, and had become more and more volatile at home, pawned our childrens camera and game system.
Then the last straw, couple of weeks ago he was threatened by a dealer because he owed money. He knew my tax return was coming and had racked up a bill. He asked me to pay it. I was adamant- no, you fix it- (he's been on a job for 3 months and never has money). I talked to one of his friends that day, who told me- you need to know he's buying coke too. Full day of fighting and he gave his computer to the dealer to settle.
Next day I kicked him out of the house. Feb 28th. I was not mean or angry. Just do not have the capacity for all of this anymore. I told him 'today is the day we are seperating. you need to move out by tonight.' he tried to guilt me, he said many mean things. i didn't respond to any of it. i told him I'm not asking for anything; childsupport, help from him, not calling the police on him, etc. I'm only asking him to live elsewhere, but if he pushes me with threats i'm calling the police. i drove him around to get his stuff out and gave him 100 bucks. I went to the courthouse to get paperwork to file for custody. i called my boss and told her what was going on. i called my brothers and told them too.
My oldest kids are relieved, the youngest miss him. I really feel this is the last time for me. 16 years, the worst of it when he was on meth 8 years ago. he went to rehab back then, so he knows a little about his addiction.
I'm looking forward to my future, but the transition will take a while. I have a lot of responsibility with 4 kids and an income that pretty much covers my bills. Filing for custody i don't expect to be stress free. i don't know the entire process yet but i believe he'll be involved in courts. He has seen the kids a couple of times for a an hour or so, he was respectful. then yesterday he texted me that he wanted to come home to be with his family. when i said no, he accused me of having been with someone else (nothing new there, he's actually accused me of cheating for at least 14 years).
I told a couple of my friends at work what is going on. I plan on telling all of my friends a couple at a time as i need the support and want them to know the truth. that is one thing all of these years, i never spoke about our 'problems' to anyone(outside of alanon and my brothers when it was at the worst)...i also rarely had people over or went out, his friends are different people than mine. now i have 2 invites out to lunch with 2 of my friends.
i'm looking forward to growing into a new self-identity as a single me. my left hand looks weird to me without my rings on. very bare.
My husband, on the other hand, has fallen off of the wagon entirely. Some months ago it became apparent that he was smoking pot again. Then a quick downward spiral as he failed a quarter in college, was ticketed because an officer saw him smoking pot in his car while driving!, sold his car to avoid being 'tagged' by police, failed to handle the ticket and i believe has a warrant out for that now, and had become more and more volatile at home, pawned our childrens camera and game system.
Then the last straw, couple of weeks ago he was threatened by a dealer because he owed money. He knew my tax return was coming and had racked up a bill. He asked me to pay it. I was adamant- no, you fix it- (he's been on a job for 3 months and never has money). I talked to one of his friends that day, who told me- you need to know he's buying coke too. Full day of fighting and he gave his computer to the dealer to settle.
Next day I kicked him out of the house. Feb 28th. I was not mean or angry. Just do not have the capacity for all of this anymore. I told him 'today is the day we are seperating. you need to move out by tonight.' he tried to guilt me, he said many mean things. i didn't respond to any of it. i told him I'm not asking for anything; childsupport, help from him, not calling the police on him, etc. I'm only asking him to live elsewhere, but if he pushes me with threats i'm calling the police. i drove him around to get his stuff out and gave him 100 bucks. I went to the courthouse to get paperwork to file for custody. i called my boss and told her what was going on. i called my brothers and told them too.
My oldest kids are relieved, the youngest miss him. I really feel this is the last time for me. 16 years, the worst of it when he was on meth 8 years ago. he went to rehab back then, so he knows a little about his addiction.
I'm looking forward to my future, but the transition will take a while. I have a lot of responsibility with 4 kids and an income that pretty much covers my bills. Filing for custody i don't expect to be stress free. i don't know the entire process yet but i believe he'll be involved in courts. He has seen the kids a couple of times for a an hour or so, he was respectful. then yesterday he texted me that he wanted to come home to be with his family. when i said no, he accused me of having been with someone else (nothing new there, he's actually accused me of cheating for at least 14 years).
I told a couple of my friends at work what is going on. I plan on telling all of my friends a couple at a time as i need the support and want them to know the truth. that is one thing all of these years, i never spoke about our 'problems' to anyone(outside of alanon and my brothers when it was at the worst)...i also rarely had people over or went out, his friends are different people than mine. now i have 2 invites out to lunch with 2 of my friends.
i'm looking forward to growing into a new self-identity as a single me. my left hand looks weird to me without my rings on. very bare.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8
I'm sorry to hear things have reached this point for you. I'm struggling with something similar myself. My boyfriend has relapsed and is absolutely losing everything he has in life, yet I'm in this transitional phase where everything is working out and great things are happening for my future. I'm conflicted with how much I can allow myself to stay behind to support him and try to find help for him and where my "breaking point" is. Good luck to you and your family!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
thanx tnw. good luck to you too. i have learned a lot about life itself from loving an addict. hard lessons, but none more valuable. when his life was in danger because of using (he did actually overdose and was brought back by EMT's) years ago I learned that his life belongs to him and no matter how much i love him i have no power over his life. i can only share it if I choose.
I also learned that I was much more stronger than I knew. Good luck to you too and take care of yourself through it all.
I also learned that I was much more stronger than I knew. Good luck to you too and take care of yourself through it all.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
So its been a couple of weeks. I haven't gotten to going out with friends for lunch yet, we came down with the flu in the house, and I've been running around doing 200 things a day to take care of house and kids and work.
He has been on an emotional roller coaster of course, was sending me rotten texts as i was throwing up with the kids at home, pleading to come home as i'm cleaning and cooking, then rotten texts again as I'm having a meeting at our sons school with his counselor because our son is having a hard time emotionally and falling behind in school. I don't answer the texts. Out of the books he's texted i answered twice and it was to tell him to stop.
he has been over twice to visit the kids, was on good behaviour, and then when he leaves he starts with the texts to me. I have been exhausted...literally...but I don't complain because I have the gift of sobriety and the ability to consciously work on making my life and my kids lives better. I'm trying to remind myself One day at a time...what can I do for just today? And I constantly remind myself that the more time that goes by the more our lives will change (hopefully the more adjusted he becomes psychologically to us being over as a couple). The 28th of February is already a date in my head...the day i kicked him out...i am already waiting for the anniversary next year to see where i am at.
In the back of my mind I worry that he will do something damaging or threatening. Overall I don't think he will do something like that, he knows a lot about addiction and he knows I am taking care of our children, but on the other hand I don't know how un-sober he is.
we had a very good long talk when he was visiting. he said all of the right things about knowing it is time to get things together, and trusting me that i'm doing the right thing by being seperated. but as soon as he leaves he is back to the desperation and slanders.
it felt good to talk to the school couselor today and tell the truth. i have told a few more friends now. need to figure out how to settle into a routine to where the kids and i can go out or invite over sober people. spring break is coming...probably a good time to plan for.
thanx for listening.
He has been on an emotional roller coaster of course, was sending me rotten texts as i was throwing up with the kids at home, pleading to come home as i'm cleaning and cooking, then rotten texts again as I'm having a meeting at our sons school with his counselor because our son is having a hard time emotionally and falling behind in school. I don't answer the texts. Out of the books he's texted i answered twice and it was to tell him to stop.
he has been over twice to visit the kids, was on good behaviour, and then when he leaves he starts with the texts to me. I have been exhausted...literally...but I don't complain because I have the gift of sobriety and the ability to consciously work on making my life and my kids lives better. I'm trying to remind myself One day at a time...what can I do for just today? And I constantly remind myself that the more time that goes by the more our lives will change (hopefully the more adjusted he becomes psychologically to us being over as a couple). The 28th of February is already a date in my head...the day i kicked him out...i am already waiting for the anniversary next year to see where i am at.
In the back of my mind I worry that he will do something damaging or threatening. Overall I don't think he will do something like that, he knows a lot about addiction and he knows I am taking care of our children, but on the other hand I don't know how un-sober he is.
we had a very good long talk when he was visiting. he said all of the right things about knowing it is time to get things together, and trusting me that i'm doing the right thing by being seperated. but as soon as he leaves he is back to the desperation and slanders.
it felt good to talk to the school couselor today and tell the truth. i have told a few more friends now. need to figure out how to settle into a routine to where the kids and i can go out or invite over sober people. spring break is coming...probably a good time to plan for.
thanx for listening.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job so far 2manyears.
Is there any need for you to listen to his texts that are obviously harmful to you?
You are sober, and leading you and your children to a new and wonderful life, please go no contact. If that is not possible because of the children maybe you could have a boundary about texts you receive from him.
"I will no longer listen to rotten texts from you. If you send me a rotten text, I will not read it and sent it to trash.. I will only respond to texts that are relevant to our children and their schedule."
I know easier said than done.
Please don't let his selfish alcoholic leeching steer you from your course.
Beth.
Is there any need for you to listen to his texts that are obviously harmful to you?
You are sober, and leading you and your children to a new and wonderful life, please go no contact. If that is not possible because of the children maybe you could have a boundary about texts you receive from him.
"I will no longer listen to rotten texts from you. If you send me a rotten text, I will not read it and sent it to trash.. I will only respond to texts that are relevant to our children and their schedule."
I know easier said than done.
Please don't let his selfish alcoholic leeching steer you from your course.
Beth.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 13
I have to agree with wicked that it sounds like the steps you've taken are really good ones and you're doing a great job staying strong. Don't forget that you're doing great things!
Worrying is one of my struggles but I always try to remember that worrying will not make anything different. My higher power is in control of my life and my AW has her own higher power in control of her life.
Hang in there! Things will get better.
Worrying is one of my struggles but I always try to remember that worrying will not make anything different. My higher power is in control of my life and my AW has her own higher power in control of her life.
Hang in there! Things will get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
one day at a time
It's been a little over a month now.
I've started going out for a couple of hours on wednesday nights with a couple of friends. I'm working on building a new job with a more suitable schedule for me to be able to be there for my kids without being exhausted. Kids are adjusting very well.
However I found out 5 days ago that my 12 year old son has been smoking pot with his friends.
Ouch.
I have always talked to the older two about addiction and substance use. My 12 year old has always been very afraid of the idea of substance use, but of course now he is at the age where it's going on around him in his world and seems harmless.
our first conversation after i found out, he said the kids were telling him he had to try it, and he was saying no, but when one of them said "you're dad does it, doesn't he?" that clicked in his head and he gave in.
I've talked to his best friends mom and we are in agreement about how we feel we should respond to what is going on with the kids.
I feel like my 12 year old is strong enough to follow through on not going that route right now. I want to kill the monster of fear that my children will become addicts. I only have 3 fears for them; death, harm, addiction.
The thought struck me to ask my kids to check out Al-Ateen, and I forgot until just now. That's why I come here (this forum, website). To better keep my eyes and heart open, and diligent.
My seperated husband is claiming sobriety, going back to school and work. I have been picking him up and driving him every couple of days to where he needs to get to. Last night I blew a little and told him I have to take care of my responsibilities and he needs to figure out how to get himself to the places to take care of his. He's taken the bus once so far. went nowhere fast and turned into an argument because he accused me of seperating with him in order to be sexually available in my life. The one thing he knows cuts me emotionally.
Didn't argue past that though. Told him to go- Now.
Addiction- the word- and the diagnoses- seems so much about the use of the drug. about the drug. the reality is the sickness is much deeper than the use of the drug.
i haven't known myself without being attatched to an addicted many times in my life. I saw a clip of a Yogi Guru the other day, and his words have been in my head since. "Make more you, less not you. You are the most important person on the earth in deciding your perspective point. More you, less not you."
I've started going out for a couple of hours on wednesday nights with a couple of friends. I'm working on building a new job with a more suitable schedule for me to be able to be there for my kids without being exhausted. Kids are adjusting very well.
However I found out 5 days ago that my 12 year old son has been smoking pot with his friends.
Ouch.
I have always talked to the older two about addiction and substance use. My 12 year old has always been very afraid of the idea of substance use, but of course now he is at the age where it's going on around him in his world and seems harmless.
our first conversation after i found out, he said the kids were telling him he had to try it, and he was saying no, but when one of them said "you're dad does it, doesn't he?" that clicked in his head and he gave in.
I've talked to his best friends mom and we are in agreement about how we feel we should respond to what is going on with the kids.
I feel like my 12 year old is strong enough to follow through on not going that route right now. I want to kill the monster of fear that my children will become addicts. I only have 3 fears for them; death, harm, addiction.
The thought struck me to ask my kids to check out Al-Ateen, and I forgot until just now. That's why I come here (this forum, website). To better keep my eyes and heart open, and diligent.
My seperated husband is claiming sobriety, going back to school and work. I have been picking him up and driving him every couple of days to where he needs to get to. Last night I blew a little and told him I have to take care of my responsibilities and he needs to figure out how to get himself to the places to take care of his. He's taken the bus once so far. went nowhere fast and turned into an argument because he accused me of seperating with him in order to be sexually available in my life. The one thing he knows cuts me emotionally.
Didn't argue past that though. Told him to go- Now.
Addiction- the word- and the diagnoses- seems so much about the use of the drug. about the drug. the reality is the sickness is much deeper than the use of the drug.
i haven't known myself without being attatched to an addicted many times in my life. I saw a clip of a Yogi Guru the other day, and his words have been in my head since. "Make more you, less not you. You are the most important person on the earth in deciding your perspective point. More you, less not you."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You decide you have better things to do than give a grown man a ride and he turns it on you. Sober or not, he's an immature and irresponsible excuse for a man. Is he contributing to the support of his children?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
thankyou, yes that's why i made him leave. but it was more of a ding on the head to me..."don't be in denial" is how i felt. he is starting training today for a good paying job. i don't count on getting money for awhile...if history is the best indicator he will get a place, his license, a car, before i get much from him.
i'm not pushing expectations on support right now because what i wanted was him to not live here, and me to have full custody over our kids and right now that's what i have.
when he's here he cooks, cleans, spends time with the kids. i don't want to make rash demands that lead to further traumas and more sickness. it's a balancing act. i feel like i need to do everything that i can to care for my life and my childrens lives. and as he is capable he will contribute what he can. if he doesn't then he's sowing his own seeds either way.
my father was an addict, and so was his. a lot of pain and disconnect in both sides of our families. i just really want to continue to work on creating an existence for my children and i to feel free enough to really Live. (or "break the cycle" so to speak.)
i'm not pushing expectations on support right now because what i wanted was him to not live here, and me to have full custody over our kids and right now that's what i have.
when he's here he cooks, cleans, spends time with the kids. i don't want to make rash demands that lead to further traumas and more sickness. it's a balancing act. i feel like i need to do everything that i can to care for my life and my childrens lives. and as he is capable he will contribute what he can. if he doesn't then he's sowing his own seeds either way.
my father was an addict, and so was his. a lot of pain and disconnect in both sides of our families. i just really want to continue to work on creating an existence for my children and i to feel free enough to really Live. (or "break the cycle" so to speak.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ft.lauderdale,fl
Posts: 43
We the families and spouses are the ones who have become the most sick of all. Our own lives and well beings have become secondary to the life of our addict loved one. One who cares nothing for life or love only their addiction I am glad that you took care of yourself and children in this way. A drug addicted father does not provide a good role model for his children. You do not want your children following in his footsteps in the future. Children need positive role models in their life. Life is very interesting in the end, some of our greatest pains, become our greatest strengths. God Bless you and your children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
taking action on better perspectives
thankyou. thankyou. i feel so much better right now than when i got up this morning, with the remnants of being around my seperated husband last night still fogging me.
i wrote here, then started some light spring cleaning. i walked to my neighbors with my 4 year old to borrow a screw driver. we chatted and he and his wife invited us to come back soon for coffee and puzzles. then my kids helped me wrap up cleaning and we took baths and showers. it's raining out but i feel like the sun came out in my head.
more me, less not me.
i wrote here, then started some light spring cleaning. i walked to my neighbors with my 4 year old to borrow a screw driver. we chatted and he and his wife invited us to come back soon for coffee and puzzles. then my kids helped me wrap up cleaning and we took baths and showers. it's raining out but i feel like the sun came out in my head.
more me, less not me.
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