Codependent no more..
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 7
Codependent no more..
I just started reading Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". i'm open w/ my RABF about reading it and he appears to be supportive. I wonder if he would be as supportive if he knew how much I feel reading this, and understanding how "unhealthy" our relationship is could finally pull my head out of my butt and get me "out" of this relationship....if he'd be so positive about me reading it..
This past week has been very difficult. In addition to our struggles with his "dry drunk" behavior, we are also seeing a therapist for our "intimacy" issues. This has apparently thrown him into a severe self loathing, which this past week escalated to the point that I left. I intended on leaving for the week, but stayed away the night..and came back when he called me the next morning, apologized and stated he was going to get some help with his anxiety..and it was just hard for him to admit he had another "problem" to deal with. I should have taken that moment to point out he still hadn't successfully dealt with his "initial" problem..but kept my tounge quiet. I realized..as he said that.. I should not have come back..until he "SHOWED" he was doing to follow through with his promise to get additional help (anxiety therapy..and possibly paxil)
I see this amazing, positive, supportive and spiritual person when he is working his program...when he falters..its an ugly conglomeration of hate, self loating, picking on every one elses shortcomings, being bitter and negative..and "sucking into himself".. I as a co-dependent..am not the best person to deal with this. I have allowed his moods to dictate mine..i've always known this, but now I am forced to face it. I am the "cinderella syndrome" codependent...apparently.. always trying to help, even when I've not been asked to...When I came back.. that morning..he was all love and promises..yet, I felt it was not heart-felt..and yet I stayed..and the next day..I started to have second thoughts about coming back... he'd done nothing to step forward towards those promises a day later... and I jumped on him.. and started another fight....knowing what I was doing..I was ignorant of "why" I was doing that... Reading this book (and getting back to my point)..I realized I was also one of those co-dependents that was a "martyr"... "you hurt me, I'm going to run away and hide.... and when you apologize, and realize you've hurt me..I'm gonna ride you to fulfill your promises..with zero tolerance..and be your mommy..and not give you any opportunity to do this on your own..cause I don't think you can.. (he should have left me..I'm here saying I have faith in him..and i'm lying..)." this process seemed normal to me..but no longer after I read the first half of this book. I understand now, that I need to find the capability to NOT allow his moods, attitude, actions or anything else to "affect" me and how I feel. I have a long road ahead of me, and have accepted that NOW I need to start going to in person Al Anon meetings.. I am at this point not sure if my goal is to go to these meetings until I can make myself see that I have to leave...or..if I'm going to go to these meetings to see if I can "detach" in order to stay.
This past weekend we celebrated our 1 year anniversary (if the word "celebrate" can be used..it was at times wonderful..and at other times..painful.. on my end.. I couldn't "get over" his moods.. and understand now, I was the one who made it so painful....he was being himself..distant, withdrawn, short) There was still so much raw open pain from the previous few days.. I almost wanted to can the whole thing...but underneath all of this, all we go through..all these struggles he puts me through and "I" also put him through (because I will always own my responsibility here..) I have hope... I have faith..that as I get healthy..and he gets healthy..that we can come together as two healed people.. a codependent who has "open eyes" and an alcoholic who is "working his program".. I am hopeful..reading books such as this..and attending al anon meetings...will help me be COMPLETELY honest.. and really learn how to "let go and let god"...and be okay with the possibility..that that means.. leaving....
just sharing..thanks to everyone who posts their journey's on here.. I continue to pray for me..and for him..and for everyone in this situation..I do realize its my CHOICE to continue...i'm not ready to make the choice to leave yet.. I am in an addictive relationship...and desire a healthy one... at some point.. I know I will get "real" with myself and realize... just because I want it healthy..and he "says' he wants it healthy..that may not be a possibility for either of us in this relationship....but God has a plan..right? When its the right time.. I will know it..
love, faith and hope..
J.
This past week has been very difficult. In addition to our struggles with his "dry drunk" behavior, we are also seeing a therapist for our "intimacy" issues. This has apparently thrown him into a severe self loathing, which this past week escalated to the point that I left. I intended on leaving for the week, but stayed away the night..and came back when he called me the next morning, apologized and stated he was going to get some help with his anxiety..and it was just hard for him to admit he had another "problem" to deal with. I should have taken that moment to point out he still hadn't successfully dealt with his "initial" problem..but kept my tounge quiet. I realized..as he said that.. I should not have come back..until he "SHOWED" he was doing to follow through with his promise to get additional help (anxiety therapy..and possibly paxil)
I see this amazing, positive, supportive and spiritual person when he is working his program...when he falters..its an ugly conglomeration of hate, self loating, picking on every one elses shortcomings, being bitter and negative..and "sucking into himself".. I as a co-dependent..am not the best person to deal with this. I have allowed his moods to dictate mine..i've always known this, but now I am forced to face it. I am the "cinderella syndrome" codependent...apparently.. always trying to help, even when I've not been asked to...When I came back.. that morning..he was all love and promises..yet, I felt it was not heart-felt..and yet I stayed..and the next day..I started to have second thoughts about coming back... he'd done nothing to step forward towards those promises a day later... and I jumped on him.. and started another fight....knowing what I was doing..I was ignorant of "why" I was doing that... Reading this book (and getting back to my point)..I realized I was also one of those co-dependents that was a "martyr"... "you hurt me, I'm going to run away and hide.... and when you apologize, and realize you've hurt me..I'm gonna ride you to fulfill your promises..with zero tolerance..and be your mommy..and not give you any opportunity to do this on your own..cause I don't think you can.. (he should have left me..I'm here saying I have faith in him..and i'm lying..)." this process seemed normal to me..but no longer after I read the first half of this book. I understand now, that I need to find the capability to NOT allow his moods, attitude, actions or anything else to "affect" me and how I feel. I have a long road ahead of me, and have accepted that NOW I need to start going to in person Al Anon meetings.. I am at this point not sure if my goal is to go to these meetings until I can make myself see that I have to leave...or..if I'm going to go to these meetings to see if I can "detach" in order to stay.
This past weekend we celebrated our 1 year anniversary (if the word "celebrate" can be used..it was at times wonderful..and at other times..painful.. on my end.. I couldn't "get over" his moods.. and understand now, I was the one who made it so painful....he was being himself..distant, withdrawn, short) There was still so much raw open pain from the previous few days.. I almost wanted to can the whole thing...but underneath all of this, all we go through..all these struggles he puts me through and "I" also put him through (because I will always own my responsibility here..) I have hope... I have faith..that as I get healthy..and he gets healthy..that we can come together as two healed people.. a codependent who has "open eyes" and an alcoholic who is "working his program".. I am hopeful..reading books such as this..and attending al anon meetings...will help me be COMPLETELY honest.. and really learn how to "let go and let god"...and be okay with the possibility..that that means.. leaving....
just sharing..thanks to everyone who posts their journey's on here.. I continue to pray for me..and for him..and for everyone in this situation..I do realize its my CHOICE to continue...i'm not ready to make the choice to leave yet.. I am in an addictive relationship...and desire a healthy one... at some point.. I know I will get "real" with myself and realize... just because I want it healthy..and he "says' he wants it healthy..that may not be a possibility for either of us in this relationship....but God has a plan..right? When its the right time.. I will know it..
love, faith and hope..
J.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If you wish a healthy relationship you can have it, but it might not be with this person. 50/50...
Keep working on you and things will become clear
When it truly dawned on me XABF was going to keep behaving the way he had always behaved, it was crystal clear to me I had to leave.
Its never the talk, its always the walk.
Trust your gut.
Melody Beatty deserves an award.
Keep working on you and things will become clear
When it truly dawned on me XABF was going to keep behaving the way he had always behaved, it was crystal clear to me I had to leave.
Its never the talk, its always the walk.
Trust your gut.
Melody Beatty deserves an award.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
It took me a good year to ween my self off my ExAB.... I still get twinges but that's all they are....much progress has been made and I have peace and more self love than ever.
Keep reading this forum and even re read your own posts...this has helped me uncover some of my own patterns.
Keep reading this forum and even re read your own posts...this has helped me uncover some of my own patterns.
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