Angry at In-laws
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
Angry at In-laws
Long story short, Dh is an alcoholic. I kicked him out over 6 months ago. It was a long time coming. His family was very supportive for the past couple years acknowledging his issues, encouraging him to get help, agreeing that I didn't have much choice, but to leave. But now that the chips are down and he is out, they've really back pedaled and have supported him. They will not be honest with him and seem to either believe his nonsense, are in denial or are more concerned about money than my kids. They are a big part of my kids lives and I'm heartbroken. I an the only person who won't play into his nonsense. His friends are all drunks and his family is taking the family-line which is only hurting my kids. I'm just sad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Do what is best for you and the kids. Your husbands family is in denial because they would have to look at themselves in the mirror otherwise, and maybe take some responsibility.
My mom is a raging alcoholic so we keep our kids at a safe distance, their other grandparent lives far away.
We have compensated for this by keeping them involved in healthy activities, school sports, YMCA sports, 4-H, and encourage relationships who friends with non-addictive parents. It has worked out well for us.
Best of luck to you,
My mom is a raging alcoholic so we keep our kids at a safe distance, their other grandparent lives far away.
We have compensated for this by keeping them involved in healthy activities, school sports, YMCA sports, 4-H, and encourage relationships who friends with non-addictive parents. It has worked out well for us.
Best of luck to you,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Ahhhh...the dreaded in-law thread! I think if you searched "in-laws" here you'd find a lot of stories similar to yours. Mine included, although not to the depth of yours in regards to relationships. When I moved out, I didn't hear from any of them again. Even to this day, and my RAH and I are still married and doing well, albeit living separately. It felt like the moment I moved out, I ceased to exist.
Unfortunately, we can't change anyone with our words, but we can set some clear and firm boundaries with our actions.
And although it did hurt my feelings a bit, over a year later, and I now see the blessings the situation has brought me. I have my own family to contend with. I am grateful now I don't have his family on top of it all. Phew! ; )
Unfortunately, we can't change anyone with our words, but we can set some clear and firm boundaries with our actions.
And although it did hurt my feelings a bit, over a year later, and I now see the blessings the situation has brought me. I have my own family to contend with. I am grateful now I don't have his family on top of it all. Phew! ; )
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I do understand your sadness.
I always had ideas of how relationships should be with my now grown kids, and other people in their lives. It sure didn't turn out that way.
My youngest daughter never even got to meet her grandparents as her dad initially denied paternity, and both grandparents died within a short period of time when she was still little.
Sending you hugs of support!
I always had ideas of how relationships should be with my now grown kids, and other people in their lives. It sure didn't turn out that way.
My youngest daughter never even got to meet her grandparents as her dad initially denied paternity, and both grandparents died within a short period of time when she was still little.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Hey there,
Same situation. My fiance's family are a bunch of enablers. They all (besides my MIL) drink so it's not a huge deal to them and they can't figure out why my fiancé's drinking is an issue.
It makes me sad because they were nice people before this got out of hand. My FIL drinks at work (he is a carpenter - DANGEROUS!!) and MIL picks him up if he's had a few. They tell my fiancé that I'm a loser basically because I'm not a slave to this disease like they are.
Hugs to you, my inlaws also are great with the kids so I know where you're coming from. I can't send the kids there in fear that FIL is hammered out of his face. He just got a DUI too. Ugh.
Stand your ground!
Same situation. My fiance's family are a bunch of enablers. They all (besides my MIL) drink so it's not a huge deal to them and they can't figure out why my fiancé's drinking is an issue.
It makes me sad because they were nice people before this got out of hand. My FIL drinks at work (he is a carpenter - DANGEROUS!!) and MIL picks him up if he's had a few. They tell my fiancé that I'm a loser basically because I'm not a slave to this disease like they are.
Hugs to you, my inlaws also are great with the kids so I know where you're coming from. I can't send the kids there in fear that FIL is hammered out of his face. He just got a DUI too. Ugh.
Stand your ground!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I was once one of 'the in laws'
I believed my sister in law was exaggerating everything, i knew nothing about alcoholism and my sister in law had kept most things 'secret' for a very long time.
She'd covered up a lot of drunken 'exploits' for want of a better word, of my brothers.
She'd covered up how much she was really struggling.
She was the one who lived with him, and she chose to cover up his drinking for a long time.
Then when she finally realised she wanted and needed help she told us. But by this time it was obvious there were problems between them, no one had said what they were and you kind of don't ask what's going on in a marriage do you?
We'd seen my sister in law sort of nagging (that's what it looked like to us at the time) and we knew something was wrong, but no one was willing to trust us (and that's a comment in hindsight!) we had no idea what was going on, and she dropped it on us one day. She had it all clear in her head, she knew what had been happening, but we maybe needed time to come to terms with it. I have no idea how long she 'knew' but I know she had longer than we did. I know she expected us to react straight away, and I know now that wasn't going to happen.
If I'd known way back then, what could I have done to change things for my sister in law? Absolutely nothing is the answer! She'd have had to do it for herself.
I'm sorry I can't help you, I just wanted to try to explain from another point of view.
I believed my sister in law was exaggerating everything, i knew nothing about alcoholism and my sister in law had kept most things 'secret' for a very long time.
She'd covered up a lot of drunken 'exploits' for want of a better word, of my brothers.
She'd covered up how much she was really struggling.
She was the one who lived with him, and she chose to cover up his drinking for a long time.
Then when she finally realised she wanted and needed help she told us. But by this time it was obvious there were problems between them, no one had said what they were and you kind of don't ask what's going on in a marriage do you?
We'd seen my sister in law sort of nagging (that's what it looked like to us at the time) and we knew something was wrong, but no one was willing to trust us (and that's a comment in hindsight!) we had no idea what was going on, and she dropped it on us one day. She had it all clear in her head, she knew what had been happening, but we maybe needed time to come to terms with it. I have no idea how long she 'knew' but I know she had longer than we did. I know she expected us to react straight away, and I know now that wasn't going to happen.
If I'd known way back then, what could I have done to change things for my sister in law? Absolutely nothing is the answer! She'd have had to do it for herself.
I'm sorry I can't help you, I just wanted to try to explain from another point of view.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
XABF's mother was always telling me how wonderful I was and how much she loved me - until the night I locked her son out of my apartment (note: he still lived with her) and refused to talk to him until he went to rehab.
A few days after he went into rehab I went over to her apartment to drop of some of his things, pick up a few things, and check in on her since there had been a major snowstorm and her health would not permit her to clean off her front steps much less leave the house. I remember clearing off a giant icy patch on her steps before going in, her watching me do it through the window, and then her dropping the things I was picking up onto the front porch and pushing me away saying she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
That was a rude awakening, but that's when I realized that I was basically "furniture" in her eyes. If her son could sit on me and walk all over me she would shower me with compliments, but as soon as I stood up for myself (meaning that I wasn't the one making all the problems "go away" anymore) I was no longer welcome.
A few days after he went into rehab I went over to her apartment to drop of some of his things, pick up a few things, and check in on her since there had been a major snowstorm and her health would not permit her to clean off her front steps much less leave the house. I remember clearing off a giant icy patch on her steps before going in, her watching me do it through the window, and then her dropping the things I was picking up onto the front porch and pushing me away saying she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
That was a rude awakening, but that's when I realized that I was basically "furniture" in her eyes. If her son could sit on me and walk all over me she would shower me with compliments, but as soon as I stood up for myself (meaning that I wasn't the one making all the problems "go away" anymore) I was no longer welcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
So sorry you're hurting... I've been there as well. Only now my in laws have moved to hating me territory and hurting my kids to try and (I guess?) bully me into taking AH back? I don't know their thinking but I know that AH obviously came from sickness and his parents have shown their true colors and how ill they are since he moved out. Like your in laws mine were seemingly supportive through rehab and seemed to want AH to get well, but once he was asked to move out (and arrests and RO's followed) they have enabled to the heavens and mounted a hate campaign against me.
Sadly, even though they are my kids grandparents, I have now been forced to go NC with them for my well being and my kids.
I am sorry you are headed down a similar path and I hope that your inlaws won't destroy their r/s with their grandkids but if it comes to that don't hesitate to protect your kids and cut them off...
Sadly, even though they are my kids grandparents, I have now been forced to go NC with them for my well being and my kids.
I am sorry you are headed down a similar path and I hope that your inlaws won't destroy their r/s with their grandkids but if it comes to that don't hesitate to protect your kids and cut them off...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Figuring))
I understand how "in-laws" can be so challenging; how "blood is thicker than water"; and all the hurts that go along with not getting the support you could use right now ~ especially the pain for the kids ~ that's tough stuff. . .
I think what helped me understand, it didn't change anything, but it did help me understand, have some healthy compassion and be able to find a peace within myself over it was what I learned in my al-anon meetings. . .
My "in-laws" were also "affected by the disease" of alcoholism/addiction. They too were enablers, contributors, alibi providers, little white liars and all the other things that I had been for the alcoholic/addict before I got into recovery.
None of my then "in-laws" were in recovery, had ever been to a meeting, nor were they even open minded to the concept. . .
How could I expect them to act or not react to this disease when they had no recovery tools available . . .
"Alcoholics/addicts do what they do ~ untreated al-anons/codependents do what they do" ~ is what an oldtimer in my home group told me ~
Again, it doesn't make it less frustrating, but it may help you to not expect to get "bread from the hardware store" when you know it's not available.
You still need bread - so find you a healthy bread store and get your needs, support and love from a better source!
just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I understand how "in-laws" can be so challenging; how "blood is thicker than water"; and all the hurts that go along with not getting the support you could use right now ~ especially the pain for the kids ~ that's tough stuff. . .
I think what helped me understand, it didn't change anything, but it did help me understand, have some healthy compassion and be able to find a peace within myself over it was what I learned in my al-anon meetings. . .
My "in-laws" were also "affected by the disease" of alcoholism/addiction. They too were enablers, contributors, alibi providers, little white liars and all the other things that I had been for the alcoholic/addict before I got into recovery.
None of my then "in-laws" were in recovery, had ever been to a meeting, nor were they even open minded to the concept. . .
How could I expect them to act or not react to this disease when they had no recovery tools available . . .
"Alcoholics/addicts do what they do ~ untreated al-anons/codependents do what they do" ~ is what an oldtimer in my home group told me ~
Again, it doesn't make it less frustrating, but it may help you to not expect to get "bread from the hardware store" when you know it's not available.
You still need bread - so find you a healthy bread store and get your needs, support and love from a better source!
just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
God, in-laws. I think I posted a thread like this about six months ago.
Mine were in total denial about my husband's alcoholism and have taken exactly zero interest in his recovery process. Total, complete denial. Now my RAH's younger sister is exhibiting many of the same early alcoholic characteristics -- DUIs, unhappy with life, life revolves around booze, unable to maintain relationships thanks to boozing habits, incorrigible, grossly selfish -- and they just shake their heads and shrug their shoulders and act like we didn't all JUST go through this with their other child!
Denial is a powerful thing.
Mine were in total denial about my husband's alcoholism and have taken exactly zero interest in his recovery process. Total, complete denial. Now my RAH's younger sister is exhibiting many of the same early alcoholic characteristics -- DUIs, unhappy with life, life revolves around booze, unable to maintain relationships thanks to boozing habits, incorrigible, grossly selfish -- and they just shake their heads and shrug their shoulders and act like we didn't all JUST go through this with their other child!
Denial is a powerful thing.
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