I'm Ready
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 18
I'm Ready
Hi Friends,
Not sure where to start. A little background info I suppose. I will do my best to keep this as short as possible...
I've been suffering from true chronic pain since I was a teenager. TMJ...ruptured discs at 19....for some reason my body acts like it is old when it is not. Rheumatic stuff. I started taking pain pills at a pretty young age off and on to treat my pain. I stopped in my mid-twenties without too much trouble because I was sick of doctors and their inability to "fix" me and I didn't want to sink into a life dependent on narcotics.
(I am currently 33, a married mom of 2 children ages 9 and 2)
Fast forward to about 3 1/2 years ago when I became pregnant with my son. I started to experience severe headaches and joint pain during my pregnancy. I ended up with preeclampsia and on bedrest for over 5 months. It was extremely painful and I was on pain medication that entire time. I had a c-section so of course I was sent home with more pain pills. After all of the swelling finally went away I never felt the same. In addition, I started dental assisting again, a job that I was extremely good at and successful in in the past but had quit a year later because it was too taxing on my already fragile body. I was in tears every night and finally discussed with my doctor a referral to pain management. I needed to be able to function....cook dinner...play with my children etc. My intentions were truly good. I signed a contract to knowingly become addicted to narcotics by taking them daily.
It started with vicodin a few times a day...then when those didn't work anymore I was prescribed Oxycontin (and eventually Fentanyl patches) along with the short acting meds which graduated to oxycodone. I justified all of this by telling myself I just needed to get to my next surgery and then I would cut back, even though secretly I knew I was really starting to like the feeling of the pills. They gave me a boost. A burst of energy. I was planning my day around the pills and started taking them for my moods, not the pain. To go to the grocery store...to make a phone call so I could be chipper...to go to moms for dinner or to go to the park with the kids. Sure I still took them to clean the house but that was slowly becoming a secondary reason.
Fast forward to this last summer/fall. I quit my dental assisting job. My neck was just too painful and I was getting ready for surgery. I was also secretly excited to be able to spend the summer at home popping pills and relaxing all day. I began using my pills inappropriately as well at that point - drinking with them...snorting them...cutting patches open. This behavior was occasional. A "weekend" activity. Until my husband and I separated in the fall and that is when it became a serious problem. I was doing it all the time. I was totally out of control and nobody knew it. It was my terrible secret. I started running out early...suffering withdrawals in between and having to hide it...and binging when I finally got my monthly refill.
My husband and I got back together right before my surgery and I told myself that everything was better now so I didn't have to medicate the hurt. But the behavior didn't stop of course. I suffered terribly after my surgery since my doctors did not realize how dependent I was on narcotics and were not giving me nearly what I needed for pain control (after a hip graft and neck fusion.) Rather than controlling my pain in the hospital I was actually having withdrawals and had to hide it. My doctor did send me home with a hideous amount of narcotics after that though - 360 oxys (15mg), 120 dilaudids, and 240 morphines. (did I mention that my pmp is my state's board director for pain management??) I take full responsibility for my disease and use, but something is wrong here!!!
Three weeks after my surgery I was asking for a weaning program and was told it was too soon. The next month I was told to wean "one drug at a time." At this point I had stashed quite a bit of these meds because I did not need near that much. The amounts were rediculous even for me!!! Soon enough though the addict in me caught up to the current count and then beyond. I started blowing through those amounts and my stash. I went to see my doctor and told him I wanted OFF the narcotics and to PLEASE help me. He suggested suboxone as the easiest way to do this. I thought about it for a couple days and made the appointment. That way I could just make it go away without ever telling anyone...right? Wrong...as soon as I did that my use was worse than ever. I started taking up to 30 pills a day. Snorting them everywhere I went...even airplane bathrooms while my children sit in their seats nearby. Disgusting. The last straw was on that airplane...I ended up passing out will coloring with my son right in front of my husband. Our good friend was the flight attendant. I had crackers all over my shirt. Incredibly embarassing and quite the wake up call.
Last week I came out to my husband about this. I was about to run out several days before my suboxone induction and have a very large problem. We went together and told my family as well. I spent the next few days planning. I called my pmp's office and told them what I was doing (that was fun), went and saw my psychiatrist, and got a plan together. I would run out of oxy on Monday and start mild withdrawals and stop morphine on Wednesday. I went to the store and bought gatorade, crackers, etc. I cleaned all of my toilets and left rags by them in preparation for sickness. It was a real mind-@#$. Thursday wasn't as bad as I thought and Friday wasn't the relief that I thought it would be but I will leave the details for the appropriate forum.
It is day 4 and I finally feel like coming out of my shell a little. I feel very strange, like I really don't know how to smile or be happy without my magic pills. That makes me so sad. I just sit here and watch my kids play and feel completely flat and lethargic. I have an appointment with a treatment center for outpatient but it is not for another week. I am normally so social and love things like facebook but cannot relate to anyone. Not because my friends are users but because none of them are. It has been my secret and that makes me feel extremely alone. Thanks for this place. I don't want this to be a book and it already is and I'm so sorry but I really felt a need to tell my story, even if that just meant typing it out. I'm scared and angry. I am in so much pain now and because I can't control myself have ruined my chances for any future pain relief because I know I can never ever take those pills again. I don't know what the future will hold. I just know that today I did get out of bed and start a load of laundry and get dressed which is more than I did yesterday.
Blessings,
Raven
Not sure where to start. A little background info I suppose. I will do my best to keep this as short as possible...
I've been suffering from true chronic pain since I was a teenager. TMJ...ruptured discs at 19....for some reason my body acts like it is old when it is not. Rheumatic stuff. I started taking pain pills at a pretty young age off and on to treat my pain. I stopped in my mid-twenties without too much trouble because I was sick of doctors and their inability to "fix" me and I didn't want to sink into a life dependent on narcotics.
(I am currently 33, a married mom of 2 children ages 9 and 2)
Fast forward to about 3 1/2 years ago when I became pregnant with my son. I started to experience severe headaches and joint pain during my pregnancy. I ended up with preeclampsia and on bedrest for over 5 months. It was extremely painful and I was on pain medication that entire time. I had a c-section so of course I was sent home with more pain pills. After all of the swelling finally went away I never felt the same. In addition, I started dental assisting again, a job that I was extremely good at and successful in in the past but had quit a year later because it was too taxing on my already fragile body. I was in tears every night and finally discussed with my doctor a referral to pain management. I needed to be able to function....cook dinner...play with my children etc. My intentions were truly good. I signed a contract to knowingly become addicted to narcotics by taking them daily.
It started with vicodin a few times a day...then when those didn't work anymore I was prescribed Oxycontin (and eventually Fentanyl patches) along with the short acting meds which graduated to oxycodone. I justified all of this by telling myself I just needed to get to my next surgery and then I would cut back, even though secretly I knew I was really starting to like the feeling of the pills. They gave me a boost. A burst of energy. I was planning my day around the pills and started taking them for my moods, not the pain. To go to the grocery store...to make a phone call so I could be chipper...to go to moms for dinner or to go to the park with the kids. Sure I still took them to clean the house but that was slowly becoming a secondary reason.
Fast forward to this last summer/fall. I quit my dental assisting job. My neck was just too painful and I was getting ready for surgery. I was also secretly excited to be able to spend the summer at home popping pills and relaxing all day. I began using my pills inappropriately as well at that point - drinking with them...snorting them...cutting patches open. This behavior was occasional. A "weekend" activity. Until my husband and I separated in the fall and that is when it became a serious problem. I was doing it all the time. I was totally out of control and nobody knew it. It was my terrible secret. I started running out early...suffering withdrawals in between and having to hide it...and binging when I finally got my monthly refill.
My husband and I got back together right before my surgery and I told myself that everything was better now so I didn't have to medicate the hurt. But the behavior didn't stop of course. I suffered terribly after my surgery since my doctors did not realize how dependent I was on narcotics and were not giving me nearly what I needed for pain control (after a hip graft and neck fusion.) Rather than controlling my pain in the hospital I was actually having withdrawals and had to hide it. My doctor did send me home with a hideous amount of narcotics after that though - 360 oxys (15mg), 120 dilaudids, and 240 morphines. (did I mention that my pmp is my state's board director for pain management??) I take full responsibility for my disease and use, but something is wrong here!!!
Three weeks after my surgery I was asking for a weaning program and was told it was too soon. The next month I was told to wean "one drug at a time." At this point I had stashed quite a bit of these meds because I did not need near that much. The amounts were rediculous even for me!!! Soon enough though the addict in me caught up to the current count and then beyond. I started blowing through those amounts and my stash. I went to see my doctor and told him I wanted OFF the narcotics and to PLEASE help me. He suggested suboxone as the easiest way to do this. I thought about it for a couple days and made the appointment. That way I could just make it go away without ever telling anyone...right? Wrong...as soon as I did that my use was worse than ever. I started taking up to 30 pills a day. Snorting them everywhere I went...even airplane bathrooms while my children sit in their seats nearby. Disgusting. The last straw was on that airplane...I ended up passing out will coloring with my son right in front of my husband. Our good friend was the flight attendant. I had crackers all over my shirt. Incredibly embarassing and quite the wake up call.
Last week I came out to my husband about this. I was about to run out several days before my suboxone induction and have a very large problem. We went together and told my family as well. I spent the next few days planning. I called my pmp's office and told them what I was doing (that was fun), went and saw my psychiatrist, and got a plan together. I would run out of oxy on Monday and start mild withdrawals and stop morphine on Wednesday. I went to the store and bought gatorade, crackers, etc. I cleaned all of my toilets and left rags by them in preparation for sickness. It was a real mind-@#$. Thursday wasn't as bad as I thought and Friday wasn't the relief that I thought it would be but I will leave the details for the appropriate forum.
It is day 4 and I finally feel like coming out of my shell a little. I feel very strange, like I really don't know how to smile or be happy without my magic pills. That makes me so sad. I just sit here and watch my kids play and feel completely flat and lethargic. I have an appointment with a treatment center for outpatient but it is not for another week. I am normally so social and love things like facebook but cannot relate to anyone. Not because my friends are users but because none of them are. It has been my secret and that makes me feel extremely alone. Thanks for this place. I don't want this to be a book and it already is and I'm so sorry but I really felt a need to tell my story, even if that just meant typing it out. I'm scared and angry. I am in so much pain now and because I can't control myself have ruined my chances for any future pain relief because I know I can never ever take those pills again. I don't know what the future will hold. I just know that today I did get out of bed and start a load of laundry and get dressed which is more than I did yesterday.
Blessings,
Raven
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
Hurray for that load of laundry! It's a symbol of everything to come.
Congratulations on the turning point. Every good thing is possible from this point on. Do not beat yourself up.. Forgive and love yourself. All is soon to be well. Work it!
Congratulations on the turning point. Every good thing is possible from this point on. Do not beat yourself up.. Forgive and love yourself. All is soon to be well. Work it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Raven, hang in there.
We are here for you. I understand the loneliness. I hid my alcoholism from everyone except my husband. Which that seemed easier than getting sober. Nobody knew what I was going through & I couldn't share except here.
I hope you'll find strength & pray you'll have a quick recovery.
You're doing the right thing for your family.
Your moods will stabilize. Your brain & body needs to heal.
Just give it time.
We are here for you. I understand the loneliness. I hid my alcoholism from everyone except my husband. Which that seemed easier than getting sober. Nobody knew what I was going through & I couldn't share except here.
I hope you'll find strength & pray you'll have a quick recovery.
You're doing the right thing for your family.
Your moods will stabilize. Your brain & body needs to heal.
Just give it time.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
Welcome Raven! Be proud for recognizing what needs to happen here. I have a friend who had surgery 10 yrs. ago & has been abusing several painkillers since, including morphine. She's a zombie & lives her life in a fog.
I felt strange right after quitting alcohol, too. I had relied on it for so long - I had masked all my feelings & emotions with it. We really are learning to live again. I'm so glad you decided to come back to life.
I felt strange right after quitting alcohol, too. I had relied on it for so long - I had masked all my feelings & emotions with it. We really are learning to live again. I'm so glad you decided to come back to life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 18
Thank you for the warm welcome everyone.
I hadn't scrolled down far enough to see that there is a pain management forum. Awesome! I can't help but wonder what this would all be like if I hadn't had that piece to contend with but I do. I don't want to live my life in pain. But I cannot continue to live the hell I have been living either.
Living in a fog is a good description. I thought I was experiencing everything but now things seem much more raw. Even smells. And when I think about it, the memories of the last few years are very slim. It breaks my heart that I have been high (whether it was appropriate or not) for my son's entire life. He has never known his mom sober. Breaks my heart.
I want to share something now...
My daughter who is 9 understands that I take "medicine" that is "drugs" for my pain. I had explained to her that I was going to go off the medicine and that I would be sick for a few days. I am ashamed to say that she has pretty much been getting herself ready for school and seeing herself off to school this whole year as my addiction grew. I would wake up, but sit in a fog as she got herself ready and usually fall back asleep before she left and wake up when she was gone. Horrible.
Thursday was "D" day. I had stopped all narcotics Wednesday night and had prepared everything to detox at home. The kids would go to moms the next day...etc etc. I woke up to the following note on my nightstand:
(my daughter hadn't even woken me up that morning before school)
"Dear Mom,
Just a quick note to say Goodbye and I love you. I didn't want to wake you up this morning because I knew if I did it would start the sickness. I am going to go to school now. I love you.
Love, xxx"
Breaks. My. Heart. I am going to read that note everyday so I can know what a wonderful caring little girl I have. I don't deserve her. I owe my children so much that they have been cheated. They have had a drug induced mom, not a real one.
I just have so much guilt right now I don't even know what to do with it...
I hadn't scrolled down far enough to see that there is a pain management forum. Awesome! I can't help but wonder what this would all be like if I hadn't had that piece to contend with but I do. I don't want to live my life in pain. But I cannot continue to live the hell I have been living either.
Living in a fog is a good description. I thought I was experiencing everything but now things seem much more raw. Even smells. And when I think about it, the memories of the last few years are very slim. It breaks my heart that I have been high (whether it was appropriate or not) for my son's entire life. He has never known his mom sober. Breaks my heart.
I want to share something now...
My daughter who is 9 understands that I take "medicine" that is "drugs" for my pain. I had explained to her that I was going to go off the medicine and that I would be sick for a few days. I am ashamed to say that she has pretty much been getting herself ready for school and seeing herself off to school this whole year as my addiction grew. I would wake up, but sit in a fog as she got herself ready and usually fall back asleep before she left and wake up when she was gone. Horrible.
Thursday was "D" day. I had stopped all narcotics Wednesday night and had prepared everything to detox at home. The kids would go to moms the next day...etc etc. I woke up to the following note on my nightstand:
(my daughter hadn't even woken me up that morning before school)
"Dear Mom,
Just a quick note to say Goodbye and I love you. I didn't want to wake you up this morning because I knew if I did it would start the sickness. I am going to go to school now. I love you.
Love, xxx"
Breaks. My. Heart. I am going to read that note everyday so I can know what a wonderful caring little girl I have. I don't deserve her. I owe my children so much that they have been cheated. They have had a drug induced mom, not a real one.
I just have so much guilt right now I don't even know what to do with it...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: california
Posts: 323
Raven, keep telling yourself that the best gift you can give your children is to continue on the course you're on. You can't afford to shoulder all the guilt you have about not being the mom you wanted to be now. When I quit drinking, I was blessed with the clarity (from my Higher Power) of understanding that the very best thing I could give my family was a sober me. Dump the guilt for now (you can deal with that later when you are stronger) and concentrate 100% on your recovery. Trust me when I say that is the best and most important thing you can ever do for them.
You are very courageous!! Welcome and keep posting.
You are very courageous!! Welcome and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
Oh Raven, I feel your pain. tomorrow I start suboxone. I am scared. I have been taking pain pills for so long, I dont even know who i am without them. But, i am praying and hoping that this will get me off to the right start..Like I ssaid I am so scared to live my life without pain pills. I am also scared of not being able to work. I am a barber and I have a lot of pain. Oh man, I just hope this works and I can stop this insanity. I take about 15 10mgs of hydrocodone a day. I never snorted though. I have always been to scared to do that. Oh well! I hope you are doing ok and yes, I think you have a wonderful caring daughter also. Keep up the good work!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: united states
Posts: 127
hi raven
my ex gf(we are good friends) recently had this same surgery I think. they went in through the front of her neck, took two verts out, put a cadaver bone in and fused it. she has had great results so far, although the recovery is slow and her energy levels aren't great. but she is able to now come off of her meds slowly. I have hope for her and the surgery. same for you!
my ex gf(we are good friends) recently had this same surgery I think. they went in through the front of her neck, took two verts out, put a cadaver bone in and fused it. she has had great results so far, although the recovery is slow and her energy levels aren't great. but she is able to now come off of her meds slowly. I have hope for her and the surgery. same for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 18
Kitty - please keep me posted on how you are doing. Honestly the psychological part of withdrawal was the hardest part (for me at least). That is a significant amount of hydrocodone and I am glad you are doing this under the supervision of a doctor. Are you able to take some time off of work? At least a few days? Please feel free to pm me anytime..
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