New here, feeling desperate, long post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
New here, feeling desperate, long post
I am not even sure how to start this thread. I just joined today as I feel I have nowhere else to turn. No one in my life is going to understand how I am feeling.
Quick background: Met now XABF a while back, he worked where I live. We started dating The first week of November '11. Things moved very quickly. He basically moved in with me the first week of Dec. I now know he was already homeless at the time but did not know that then. He told me he had to move out of apt due to mold issues, which was true, but I found out much later that his roommate had already thrown him out weeks earlier. I started seeing his alcoholism the first few weeks and was worried but wasn't sure how serious it was. By Xmas he had checked himself into rehab. He was there until Jan 18. I told him I thought he should go to a halfway house following rehab and he told me that I didn't really love him as that would mess up his life more due to being behind on child support etc. The last 2 weeks of rehab I saw changed in him and decided by the last day to let him come back and give it a shot with the condition that if he drank or lied he was out.
He slipped up 2 weeks after getting back to my home from rehab. I came home and he was lying passed out on my walkway bleeding everywhere. He had slipped on a rock and split the back of his head open.I called someone for help and he ran away. We located him and got him back to the house where my friend left us for a few min to go tell his company they had to go. While the friend was gone BF became a maniac. Screaming at the top of his lungs that he was a marine, special forces recon (which I still doubt) that he lived for this ****, punched himself in the face 5 or 6 times, called me unimaginable things and rubbed the wound which them started spraying blood everywhere, licked the blood off his hands then fell down and said maybe he did need to go to the hospital. Friend called to say ambulance was on it's way, he ran again and hid under a bridge where the paramedics had to go find him. They took him to the hospital and I did not go. He called every 5 min all night long screaming and swearing at me, calling me every name in the book. I was not going and supporting this behavior. In the morning I brought him a jacket hat and gloves and left. He called and told me he was being released at 3. I went to talk to him and was not happy with the conversation so I left. He walked 9 miles to my house in the cold with a concussion and 7 staples in his head. Then walked to an NA meeting then back to my house and sat on my patio in the freezing cold until I let him in and let him sleep in spare bedroom.
For the next 4 weeks things were up and down. Together, not together, etc. He did finally get a job about a week and a half ago. He had stopped drinking and using but his manipulative behavior had not changed and he had stopped going to meeting about 2 weeks ago.
Jump to last Thursday. We had been arguing about stupid stuff since the morning. Later I signed him up for a parenting class that night that he had never done for his divorce. On the way to the class it was more arguing that got ugly. I dropped him off and he got out started walking and said he was not going. He then came back to the car and said he would only go to the class if I gave him his EBT card which I had to go shopping while he was at class. I gave it to him. He then again walked away and said I am not going anyway, ha ha or something. I was frustrated at this point and got out of the car and told him to knock it off, it was enough already. He said some nasty things to me and tried to walk away again. I was extremely aggravated with his childish behavior and we had a small altercation. He started screaming for someone to call the police that I had hit him. Told me that we were through and finally went into the class. I went home. 8:05 he texts me and says class is over. The calls. I get the missed call at 8:25 and call him back, he hangs up on me. I try again, same result. 9:26 he texts me what. Turns out he was baiting me so when I called back he kept calling me psycho and hanging up on me. He asks me to leave a bag with work clothes outside for him to pick up. Then leaves another message to leave ALL his stuff outside, a friend is coming to get them and him and she will be there soon. He said she just to upset me. During all the messages he threatens to call police. He ends up walking back to house, 12 miles and is pissed that he walked for 4 hours, it's of course my fault that he walked, not his for hanging up on me 11 times. He comes to house and leaves without his things. I go outside to ask him to please take the bag I packed and go, I do not want him continuing this throughout the night, I am tired and need to go to work in the morning. He starts following me back to my house saying he wants all his stuff right now and makes a fake phone call to the police for my benefot saying he is at my house and wants assistance getting hgis thiings from my home. I know this is just a game to him as he has nowhere to take all these things and no way to get them there (no car, no license) I decice I have to get away from this for a bit and do not want him banging on my door this late at night disturbing y neighbors so I go to my car since it is closer. I come around the corner on my street and he is near the side of the road. He jumped in front of my car bobbing and weaving to try to keep me from driving away. I opened the window to tell him to stop acting like a lunatic and finally got around him. I heard a bang of some kind as I drove away from him, I assume he punched or kicked my car.
Later I get a call from the police, I come back home 10 min later, he and the police are gone, I try to get some sleep. At 5:33 am the police are at my house again. I called the station at 6 am to find out what was going on. I explain to them that I left a bag out and told him to come for the rest of his things at a normal hour. They ask to speak to me in person so I go to the station. I end up getting arrested as he told them that I ran him over. He told them that he walked away form me and I chased him down which is complete BS. They have charged me with domestic assault and battery and assault and battery with a deadly weapon.
I don’t even know what to do. I am so distraught. I have done so much to help this man make his life better. He has called me 40 or so times and texted me nonstop since this has happened, saying he didn’t mean to get me in trouble, he just wanted me to understand what I have done to him, asking me for a shower, clothes, money, saying how much he loves me and that he’ll go to the DA and drop the charges (which he cannot do) etc. I think he thought he would just get me in trouble and then he wouldn’t press charges and that would be the end of it like any other argument. I don’t think he even thought through how serious of an accusation this is and what it would do to my life. It is going to cost me thousands of dollars to fix this, the arrest will always be there and whether I care about him or not, this was by far the last straw. He ended up getting drunk and PC’d the next night as well. I have now filed harrassment charges against him.
Today is the fiourth day of not hearing a peep from him and part of me wonders where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, if he lost his job this past week because I know that at least one of the days he didn’t go in (new job, only 1 week) and was drunk again. I am hurt, I am beyond angry, confused and feel more helpless than I ever have in my life. I am im shock that someone who says they love me would do this to me. I feel like if he really cared at all he would go tell them the truth no matter what it cost him. I don’t sleep, can’t eat and am having hard time getting through a day or concentrating at work. I know I have to let this relationship go and I feel like it should be easier due to these circumstances but they do not make the emotions magically go away.
How on earth do I try to recover from this?
Quick background: Met now XABF a while back, he worked where I live. We started dating The first week of November '11. Things moved very quickly. He basically moved in with me the first week of Dec. I now know he was already homeless at the time but did not know that then. He told me he had to move out of apt due to mold issues, which was true, but I found out much later that his roommate had already thrown him out weeks earlier. I started seeing his alcoholism the first few weeks and was worried but wasn't sure how serious it was. By Xmas he had checked himself into rehab. He was there until Jan 18. I told him I thought he should go to a halfway house following rehab and he told me that I didn't really love him as that would mess up his life more due to being behind on child support etc. The last 2 weeks of rehab I saw changed in him and decided by the last day to let him come back and give it a shot with the condition that if he drank or lied he was out.
He slipped up 2 weeks after getting back to my home from rehab. I came home and he was lying passed out on my walkway bleeding everywhere. He had slipped on a rock and split the back of his head open.I called someone for help and he ran away. We located him and got him back to the house where my friend left us for a few min to go tell his company they had to go. While the friend was gone BF became a maniac. Screaming at the top of his lungs that he was a marine, special forces recon (which I still doubt) that he lived for this ****, punched himself in the face 5 or 6 times, called me unimaginable things and rubbed the wound which them started spraying blood everywhere, licked the blood off his hands then fell down and said maybe he did need to go to the hospital. Friend called to say ambulance was on it's way, he ran again and hid under a bridge where the paramedics had to go find him. They took him to the hospital and I did not go. He called every 5 min all night long screaming and swearing at me, calling me every name in the book. I was not going and supporting this behavior. In the morning I brought him a jacket hat and gloves and left. He called and told me he was being released at 3. I went to talk to him and was not happy with the conversation so I left. He walked 9 miles to my house in the cold with a concussion and 7 staples in his head. Then walked to an NA meeting then back to my house and sat on my patio in the freezing cold until I let him in and let him sleep in spare bedroom.
For the next 4 weeks things were up and down. Together, not together, etc. He did finally get a job about a week and a half ago. He had stopped drinking and using but his manipulative behavior had not changed and he had stopped going to meeting about 2 weeks ago.
Jump to last Thursday. We had been arguing about stupid stuff since the morning. Later I signed him up for a parenting class that night that he had never done for his divorce. On the way to the class it was more arguing that got ugly. I dropped him off and he got out started walking and said he was not going. He then came back to the car and said he would only go to the class if I gave him his EBT card which I had to go shopping while he was at class. I gave it to him. He then again walked away and said I am not going anyway, ha ha or something. I was frustrated at this point and got out of the car and told him to knock it off, it was enough already. He said some nasty things to me and tried to walk away again. I was extremely aggravated with his childish behavior and we had a small altercation. He started screaming for someone to call the police that I had hit him. Told me that we were through and finally went into the class. I went home. 8:05 he texts me and says class is over. The calls. I get the missed call at 8:25 and call him back, he hangs up on me. I try again, same result. 9:26 he texts me what. Turns out he was baiting me so when I called back he kept calling me psycho and hanging up on me. He asks me to leave a bag with work clothes outside for him to pick up. Then leaves another message to leave ALL his stuff outside, a friend is coming to get them and him and she will be there soon. He said she just to upset me. During all the messages he threatens to call police. He ends up walking back to house, 12 miles and is pissed that he walked for 4 hours, it's of course my fault that he walked, not his for hanging up on me 11 times. He comes to house and leaves without his things. I go outside to ask him to please take the bag I packed and go, I do not want him continuing this throughout the night, I am tired and need to go to work in the morning. He starts following me back to my house saying he wants all his stuff right now and makes a fake phone call to the police for my benefot saying he is at my house and wants assistance getting hgis thiings from my home. I know this is just a game to him as he has nowhere to take all these things and no way to get them there (no car, no license) I decice I have to get away from this for a bit and do not want him banging on my door this late at night disturbing y neighbors so I go to my car since it is closer. I come around the corner on my street and he is near the side of the road. He jumped in front of my car bobbing and weaving to try to keep me from driving away. I opened the window to tell him to stop acting like a lunatic and finally got around him. I heard a bang of some kind as I drove away from him, I assume he punched or kicked my car.
Later I get a call from the police, I come back home 10 min later, he and the police are gone, I try to get some sleep. At 5:33 am the police are at my house again. I called the station at 6 am to find out what was going on. I explain to them that I left a bag out and told him to come for the rest of his things at a normal hour. They ask to speak to me in person so I go to the station. I end up getting arrested as he told them that I ran him over. He told them that he walked away form me and I chased him down which is complete BS. They have charged me with domestic assault and battery and assault and battery with a deadly weapon.
I don’t even know what to do. I am so distraught. I have done so much to help this man make his life better. He has called me 40 or so times and texted me nonstop since this has happened, saying he didn’t mean to get me in trouble, he just wanted me to understand what I have done to him, asking me for a shower, clothes, money, saying how much he loves me and that he’ll go to the DA and drop the charges (which he cannot do) etc. I think he thought he would just get me in trouble and then he wouldn’t press charges and that would be the end of it like any other argument. I don’t think he even thought through how serious of an accusation this is and what it would do to my life. It is going to cost me thousands of dollars to fix this, the arrest will always be there and whether I care about him or not, this was by far the last straw. He ended up getting drunk and PC’d the next night as well. I have now filed harrassment charges against him.
Today is the fiourth day of not hearing a peep from him and part of me wonders where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, if he lost his job this past week because I know that at least one of the days he didn’t go in (new job, only 1 week) and was drunk again. I am hurt, I am beyond angry, confused and feel more helpless than I ever have in my life. I am im shock that someone who says they love me would do this to me. I feel like if he really cared at all he would go tell them the truth no matter what it cost him. I don’t sleep, can’t eat and am having hard time getting through a day or concentrating at work. I know I have to let this relationship go and I feel like it should be easier due to these circumstances but they do not make the emotions magically go away.
How on earth do I try to recover from this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
I suppose I should have put in there that I knew him for a year before we started actually dating. His ex-mother in law is my property manager and he had already been working here for a year at that point. Of course I did not know all the stuff about him then that I know now.
I am lucky? These are serious charges for something I did NOT do. I had to file harassment charges on him because the phone calls and texts were all day every day. Him threatening suicide begging me for things, telling me he'll go tell the truth if I give him stuff he wants, etc.
I cannot put his stuff in bags and get rid of it, I have been warned about that. I am responsible for it until he comes to get it, with a police escort, which I have asked him to do numerous times. My lawyer and the police have told him the same thing.
I am lucky? These are serious charges for something I did NOT do. I had to file harassment charges on him because the phone calls and texts were all day every day. Him threatening suicide begging me for things, telling me he'll go tell the truth if I give him stuff he wants, etc.
I cannot put his stuff in bags and get rid of it, I have been warned about that. I am responsible for it until he comes to get it, with a police escort, which I have asked him to do numerous times. My lawyer and the police have told him the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
First of all welcome to you, we have you back, you are safe here.
You are going to need to do several things.
1) You need to attempt to file for a restraining order.
2) If he has keys you need to get you locks changed ASAP
3) Contact a local womens shelter or domestic violence suport group, see if they can help you with an attorney and these criminal charges.
4) Please get to al-anon or nar-anon and if you can afford it into individual counseling.
5) This guy sounds like he has serious mental issues, he will physically hurt you if you let him back into your life, keep your cell phone with you at all times, if you can stay with a friend or family member then you should do it.
6) You have got to try and take care of yourself, I was where you are when my first wife left me many years ago, I had an ulcer, I had insomnia, nightmares, depression, suicidal thoughts, the works. Eat things that are good for you and easy to get down and keep down like Oatmeal and Bananas, stay away from the coffee if you can, try to do some deep breathing exercises when you are stressed, especially before bed.
7) Come back here often, read, post, blog, rant & rave, ask for hugs and support (you will get them if you ask).
You are not alone! You have people here who care about you! You have joined a family!
I will pray for you,
Bill
You are going to need to do several things.
1) You need to attempt to file for a restraining order.
2) If he has keys you need to get you locks changed ASAP
3) Contact a local womens shelter or domestic violence suport group, see if they can help you with an attorney and these criminal charges.
4) Please get to al-anon or nar-anon and if you can afford it into individual counseling.
5) This guy sounds like he has serious mental issues, he will physically hurt you if you let him back into your life, keep your cell phone with you at all times, if you can stay with a friend or family member then you should do it.
6) You have got to try and take care of yourself, I was where you are when my first wife left me many years ago, I had an ulcer, I had insomnia, nightmares, depression, suicidal thoughts, the works. Eat things that are good for you and easy to get down and keep down like Oatmeal and Bananas, stay away from the coffee if you can, try to do some deep breathing exercises when you are stressed, especially before bed.
7) Come back here often, read, post, blog, rant & rave, ask for hugs and support (you will get them if you ask).
You are not alone! You have people here who care about you! You have joined a family!
I will pray for you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
You've been through the wringer my dear friend!
He needs to be out out out of your life.
And--is there any way you can get out of town? If you were my close friend I would be helping you find an apartment and a job in another city. For your own protection and also just to get a change of scenery for a new start.
He needs to be out out out of your life.
And--is there any way you can get out of town? If you were my close friend I would be helping you find an apartment and a job in another city. For your own protection and also just to get a change of scenery for a new start.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I had to go back several times to see where you were posting from, because it sounds like XAH and who ever he hooks up with. Wiley's got a great list going.
Is there any way you can box up his stuff and either leave it w your attorney or come up w an alternate storage location? That's kinda what your lawyer should be helping w: running interference w this guy and finding ways to keep him out of your hair.
Please do consider the restraining order and DV assistance. They can help you figure out safety plans, they can give you advice on what to ask your lawyer, etc.
Please stay safe. Sending big hugs.
Is there any way you can box up his stuff and either leave it w your attorney or come up w an alternate storage location? That's kinda what your lawyer should be helping w: running interference w this guy and finding ways to keep him out of your hair.
Please do consider the restraining order and DV assistance. They can help you figure out safety plans, they can give you advice on what to ask your lawyer, etc.
Please stay safe. Sending big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Willybluedog, Thank you for the welcome. I tried to get a harassment protection order and even with more than sufficient evidence was denied. There is only 1 judge in this court who apparently assumed because I am the defendant here that I was out of line trying to get protection from this crazy guy. He does not have a key, thank god and I am in the process of interviewing other attorneys as I feel the one I have now is just not good.
Akrasia, Unfortunately I cannot get away. I own a house and a business here and all my family is here. He is out of my life since 5:44 pm this past Wednesday except for the charges we now have on each other and me being stuck with his belongings for the moment.
Theuncertainty, the police made it clear to me that I am responsible for his belongings so they will have to stay here until he comes with the police to get them. My lawyer originally was going to have me leave them there until the police said that again. If I move them or give them to anyone else it will fall back on me. Ridiculous huh? I am thinking of sending certified letter to his work telling him he's got 30 days to come get it or it will be considered abandoned property and get rid of it. It is the only legal way to do it.
Akrasia, Unfortunately I cannot get away. I own a house and a business here and all my family is here. He is out of my life since 5:44 pm this past Wednesday except for the charges we now have on each other and me being stuck with his belongings for the moment.
Theuncertainty, the police made it clear to me that I am responsible for his belongings so they will have to stay here until he comes with the police to get them. My lawyer originally was going to have me leave them there until the police said that again. If I move them or give them to anyone else it will fall back on me. Ridiculous huh? I am thinking of sending certified letter to his work telling him he's got 30 days to come get it or it will be considered abandoned property and get rid of it. It is the only legal way to do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
I am not in any physical fear of him, he is much more of a mental and emotional abuser, although who knows what could happen with the presence of drugs and alcohol. He likes to do the drugs when he is drunk.
I am sure most of you have experienced how the highs are so high and the lows are so low when it comes to addicts. I guess it's the highs that make it so difficult to just walk away when the time comes. Or just the feeling of being alone again, sitting in an empty house, eating alone, sleeping alone night after night. Having no one here to talk to. It is depressing. It also leaves way too much time to think about where he is, who he's with. was he just using me? did he really care? It makes me feel crazy that I am even thinking like this because I know deep down that it had to end or I was in for a lifetime of the drama, the ups and downs and the constant lying, emotional abuse and manipulation.
I just need a source of support understanding and strength. A place where I can come to people who understand what I am feeling and I won't be judged for feeling sad because of all this. A place where I can rant and vent if I need to so I won't lose my mind in the process of trying to get out of this legal mess he has caused.
Thanks for listening
I am sure most of you have experienced how the highs are so high and the lows are so low when it comes to addicts. I guess it's the highs that make it so difficult to just walk away when the time comes. Or just the feeling of being alone again, sitting in an empty house, eating alone, sleeping alone night after night. Having no one here to talk to. It is depressing. It also leaves way too much time to think about where he is, who he's with. was he just using me? did he really care? It makes me feel crazy that I am even thinking like this because I know deep down that it had to end or I was in for a lifetime of the drama, the ups and downs and the constant lying, emotional abuse and manipulation.
I just need a source of support understanding and strength. A place where I can come to people who understand what I am feeling and I won't be judged for feeling sad because of all this. A place where I can rant and vent if I need to so I won't lose my mind in the process of trying to get out of this legal mess he has caused.
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
Wow, what a sad, sad story. You were hoping for love with a stable guy and you ended up with this mess. Thank God you weren't attacked or killed by this guy. Change the locks and file a restraining order. Learn from this lesson and hopefully you will find what you are looking for down the road with a stable person.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by Melissa0067 
Theuncertainty, the police made it clear to me that I am responsible for his belongings so they will have to stay here until he comes with the police to get them. My lawyer originally was going to have me leave them there until the police said that again. If I move them or give them to anyone else it will fall back on me. Ridiculous huh? I am thinking of sending certified letter to his work telling him he's got 30 days to come get it or it will be considered abandoned property and get rid of it. It is the only legal way to do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
I am not in any physical fear of him,
should you choose to stay in your own home, please take steps to ensure your safety. keep all exterior lights on all night. if you don't have any, please consider getting one installed pronto. i would also alert the neighbors to watch out for him, program 911 on fast dial, put a chair against the front of the door so if he enters, you have some time to react.
he sounds mentally unstable. throw drink and drugs in there and just about anything could happen.
if you can clear out for awhile, that would ensure your safety. perhaps use your vacation time? or, you perhaps you could speak to human resources dept. at your work, explain what is going on and request some time off.
i've lived in fear of my crazy xABF also, i know what it like. please keep yourself safe. that is the most important thing right now.
naive
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Oh my goodness;(
What an awful situation...
I can only begin to imagine the enormous amount of stress you must be under....
Unfortunately, this man has proven that he is capable of doing just about anything; espeically if he is under the influence and possibly has an underlying mental health condition...
Please do whatever you can to protect yourself....
Since it's hard for you to leave the area because of your other obligations, can you stay with a friend or relative, that way he can't easily find you?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I am happy to see that you're taking the steps to break away from such a toxic situation....
Peace to you...
Diva 76
What an awful situation...
I can only begin to imagine the enormous amount of stress you must be under....
Unfortunately, this man has proven that he is capable of doing just about anything; espeically if he is under the influence and possibly has an underlying mental health condition...
Please do whatever you can to protect yourself....
Since it's hard for you to leave the area because of your other obligations, can you stay with a friend or relative, that way he can't easily find you?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I am happy to see that you're taking the steps to break away from such a toxic situation....
Peace to you...
Diva 76
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
My brother's ex is a borderline personality - didn't have a drinking problem but much the same stuff happened with them. She accused him of domestic violence towards her and their young children, she'd throw his stuff out the windows if he didn't do as she said, she would leave dozens of nasty voice mails, run up his credit cards, maced him during an argument. Even left my baby niece on the doorstep in a diaper when he tried to go to work and she wanted him to stay home because she couldn't handle the kids. Since divorcing many years ago, she then proceeded to the next guys - eventually going to prison for trying to run down of the boyfriends, and setting fire to her parent's house trying to frame an ex. Horrible stuff.
Seeing as men have a harder time in the court system to discredit the mother, my brother started to keep track of everything. Voice mails, now with you, text messages. Every time she did something that escalated, he called the police and made a report. By the time they got to court he was protected and it was apparent who the offender really was.
Keep safe, and keep track of everything that happens, every contact, every situation. File a police report with any incident. Protect yourself - if he is like my ex sis in law, it could be relentless, until they find someone/ something else. And don't underestimate what he could be like when he adds booze/ drugs to the equation - can make it a lot worse.
Seeing as men have a harder time in the court system to discredit the mother, my brother started to keep track of everything. Voice mails, now with you, text messages. Every time she did something that escalated, he called the police and made a report. By the time they got to court he was protected and it was apparent who the offender really was.
Keep safe, and keep track of everything that happens, every contact, every situation. File a police report with any incident. Protect yourself - if he is like my ex sis in law, it could be relentless, until they find someone/ something else. And don't underestimate what he could be like when he adds booze/ drugs to the equation - can make it a lot worse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Melissa, hoping you are doing better today. Your story rattled me - I can't imagine the stress of the last few months of complete chaos.
Like everyone else says here - best that you stay far far away and be very very quiet! It doesn't take much for emotional abuse to become physical. And factor in the legal troubles on top of it all - sheesh - what a mess.
Take god care!
~T
Like everyone else says here - best that you stay far far away and be very very quiet! It doesn't take much for emotional abuse to become physical. And factor in the legal troubles on top of it all - sheesh - what a mess.
Take god care!
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
So........he claims you tried to run him over....but he already had all these injuries from the headgash incident, which you have witnesses for. Can your attorney subpeona (spelling, I know) these witnesses? Sounds to me that if your attorney works this right, the whole thing could be dismissed against you.
??
??
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
OH MY GOSH!! This reads like a soap script! Child....you had better run like hell! And pick up a great big dog on the way home! Love....are you kidding? This guy is psycho and you are lucky that your major damage is just a one time financial smack. Your best bet is to just show up when told and tell the truth. Chances are he won't even show! You just might be lucky enough to get thru this insanity virtually unscathed! Count that as a blessing and take care of yourself! Good kuck...mags
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Lesson to learn
First of all, welcome,
There are great, helpful people here. I'm sure you were acting from the heart in trying to help this person, but there is no help you can give.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Pretty grim, could have been worse. When it is straightened out, RUN. Move if you have to, take the financial hit to get this crazy out of your life. Whatever glimmer of "good person" is buried beneath the alcohol is long gone.
I have been in a relationship with an AH for 20 years and finally saw that his "recovery" was just the hook he was using to keep me enabling. My therapist calls it inconsistent rewards. GREAT article in last week's Time mag (Mar 5th) about addiction. Inconsistent rewards are the most toxic form of behavior. My AH ex-fiance would occasionally be great, nice, caring etc. Just enough to keep me off balance.
I'm balanced now, on my own two feet. Taking the long road back to where I was meant to be.
When things simmer down, maybe you want to look at why you chose him. But after you are safe.
Be well, good luck, be strong!
There are great, helpful people here. I'm sure you were acting from the heart in trying to help this person, but there is no help you can give.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Pretty grim, could have been worse. When it is straightened out, RUN. Move if you have to, take the financial hit to get this crazy out of your life. Whatever glimmer of "good person" is buried beneath the alcohol is long gone.
I have been in a relationship with an AH for 20 years and finally saw that his "recovery" was just the hook he was using to keep me enabling. My therapist calls it inconsistent rewards. GREAT article in last week's Time mag (Mar 5th) about addiction. Inconsistent rewards are the most toxic form of behavior. My AH ex-fiance would occasionally be great, nice, caring etc. Just enough to keep me off balance.
I'm balanced now, on my own two feet. Taking the long road back to where I was meant to be.
When things simmer down, maybe you want to look at why you chose him. But after you are safe.
Be well, good luck, be strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Thank you to everyone for your replies. I will update you on the situation.
As of Monday he said he definitely would go to the DA and make a statement telling the truth, which the lawyer and the prosecutor told me would help tremendously. I don't know how it is in other states but here neither the judge nor the DA's office will dismiss domestic violence under any circumstances, so no matter if he makes a statement or not, I will still have to go trial.
Tuesday night I drove him to a motel. Wednesday night I met him at the library to help him find a place to live, in the hopes that if he is not homeless he will leave me alone. After the library he would not get out of my car and started crying about how he could not stay out in the cold all night because it was only 27 degrees. I told him he could stay in my spare room for one night and that was it. Everything was fine. Last night I took him to look at 2 places. One of them is very cheap, it is a room rental and he can move in today as long as he has the money. His unemployment check will hopefully be in the mail today and he can get the money and have his own space as of today.
Last night after all this I again had to let him stay as he would not leave. He started with the blame game and how I am doing this to him. Last I checked, he did this to himself. I tried to stay calm but he got out of control and started throwing things and kicking stuff everywhere and told me he was going to call the police and tell them I did it. I told him he had to leave my house, I did not care if he made a statement today or not, it just wasn't worth it. He sat on the floor and said he would not leave and go back in the cold, called me nasty names and told me if I wanted him to leave I would have to call the police but if I did call them he would tell them that I hit him. Since I am out on bail and I am the defendant, I could not risk it. I put him in the spare room and he came in my room and made me listen to him talk for an hour about how much he loves me, he wants to go make a statement today, etc. I finally got him to leave my room and tried to sleep. I have been up most of the night scared to death and just wanted him out of my house for good. I dropped him at work and have no intentions of doing anything but possibly taking him to the courthouse to do the statement. His break should be in 15 minutes and I have not yet heard form him to go get him to go the courthouse. He will probably blow it off.
I went to the court this morning and talked to the prosecutor. He wants me to go to the police and report it and try to get a restraining order, which is nearly impossible because I am the defendant, they don't seem to care who is really the one in danger. I have also found a lawyer through a friend who knows all the right people in this court. Hopefully in the next couple hours I will be free form his drama and just have my day in court. Although he also threatened me that if I leave him out in the cold and don't help him, he will go and lie on the stand just to f*ck me. Real piece of work this one. I just have to have faith that he will not be able to do this to me because I am the one telling the truth and it is only a he said/she said thing in the end and I am the upstanding citizen who'd never been in trouble and he is the alcoholic/addict.
I sit here in absolute shock that someone can turn your life into such a disaster over a complete lie. There should be some way to protect yourself from these kinds of things.
As of Monday he said he definitely would go to the DA and make a statement telling the truth, which the lawyer and the prosecutor told me would help tremendously. I don't know how it is in other states but here neither the judge nor the DA's office will dismiss domestic violence under any circumstances, so no matter if he makes a statement or not, I will still have to go trial.
Tuesday night I drove him to a motel. Wednesday night I met him at the library to help him find a place to live, in the hopes that if he is not homeless he will leave me alone. After the library he would not get out of my car and started crying about how he could not stay out in the cold all night because it was only 27 degrees. I told him he could stay in my spare room for one night and that was it. Everything was fine. Last night I took him to look at 2 places. One of them is very cheap, it is a room rental and he can move in today as long as he has the money. His unemployment check will hopefully be in the mail today and he can get the money and have his own space as of today.
Last night after all this I again had to let him stay as he would not leave. He started with the blame game and how I am doing this to him. Last I checked, he did this to himself. I tried to stay calm but he got out of control and started throwing things and kicking stuff everywhere and told me he was going to call the police and tell them I did it. I told him he had to leave my house, I did not care if he made a statement today or not, it just wasn't worth it. He sat on the floor and said he would not leave and go back in the cold, called me nasty names and told me if I wanted him to leave I would have to call the police but if I did call them he would tell them that I hit him. Since I am out on bail and I am the defendant, I could not risk it. I put him in the spare room and he came in my room and made me listen to him talk for an hour about how much he loves me, he wants to go make a statement today, etc. I finally got him to leave my room and tried to sleep. I have been up most of the night scared to death and just wanted him out of my house for good. I dropped him at work and have no intentions of doing anything but possibly taking him to the courthouse to do the statement. His break should be in 15 minutes and I have not yet heard form him to go get him to go the courthouse. He will probably blow it off.
I went to the court this morning and talked to the prosecutor. He wants me to go to the police and report it and try to get a restraining order, which is nearly impossible because I am the defendant, they don't seem to care who is really the one in danger. I have also found a lawyer through a friend who knows all the right people in this court. Hopefully in the next couple hours I will be free form his drama and just have my day in court. Although he also threatened me that if I leave him out in the cold and don't help him, he will go and lie on the stand just to f*ck me. Real piece of work this one. I just have to have faith that he will not be able to do this to me because I am the one telling the truth and it is only a he said/she said thing in the end and I am the upstanding citizen who'd never been in trouble and he is the alcoholic/addict.
I sit here in absolute shock that someone can turn your life into such a disaster over a complete lie. There should be some way to protect yourself from these kinds of things.
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