5 minutes at a time

Old 03-04-2012, 06:51 AM
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5 minutes at a time

I figure none of you know me, so this is the only place I can be completely candid. I want to first thank you, all who did, for reading and responding to my posts in the past six months. I visited in September after one of my fiancee's dozen or more relapses in the past two years, trying to gain the strength to walk away. There were a couple more in the fall, then in December the failed drug test that he swore was an error. (Eventually he told me the truth.) In December I was sure I had enough scraps of strength to cut my losses and walk away. And I tried to do it with love and compassion, expressing that I had to do this for me.

Within a couple days, he talked me back in, because he is RIDICULOUSLY articulate, emotional (especially post-relapse), and romantic. He reminds me over and over of how special our connection is -- and he is right about that. If we were both healthy grown-ups, we would have the world. (Clearly, my addiction to him is unhealthy.)

So I went back to him, and we went away for a week in December, with his final promise that any more lies and no one would think me a fool for giving it one more chance. If he "flaked out" again, he said, I would have every reason to walk away, but wouldn't it be worth one more chance? BTW, he is still doing it all -- meetings most days, group therapy, and two psychologists now (one for meds and one for therapy). He's reading, writing, talking the talk and what appears to be walking the walk as best he can.

But then, Oscar night, he says he's coming over after he finished some computer work. We were skyping on minute, and 15 minutes later I tried to reach him and that was the end of communication for 14 hours until he finally responded to my text saying he was "alive." He had used, despite the rest of that weekend which was wonderful, filled with family and kids and closeness and activities and healthy comforting love. I know there's no rhyme or reason to addiction, so where does that possibly leave anyone. With love (and some anger), I said I could not live like this anymore, and I won't.

The up-side of the 20 or so relapses these two years -- and all the crap before and after them -- is that I feel like I've heard and seen it all. It's all recycled. So when he says he'll work harder, he knows the secret now, it will happen for him this time, etc., I can't do it. I won't.

It's been a week. There have been a couple of phone conversations but when they degenerate into all the reasons it will work THIS TIME, I tell him I have to go. I've gone from that initial rocket-boost away from him to extreme desolation. In fact, I am back here because I just happened to see the sticky on "the brain chemistry of being a loved one" (I was going through bookmarks on my iphone and saw it). That was very helpful to help me understand why I feel like my soul was ripped out. Every urge I have to reach out to him, I replay the long, long list of lies, disappointments, drama, belittling, lies, more lies, and broken promises. It hurts so much because he IS a beautiful man and he is so very lost. But that just makes me a supporting character in the story of his life, struggle, and recovery.

I'm writing today, because I can be candid and anonymous. I am struggling with wanting to be alive at all. It is not all about him; I'm not the girl who has to have a man around all the time. I've been divorced 10 years, which was devastating and I got through it because the kids were small. I had an engrossing relationship 9 years ago, and that end was devastating. Then many many years of being alone, doing my own thing. This man changed my life and we both believe we are soulmates -- corny and adolescent, I know, say what you like, but it's true.

I've spent most of the week in bed, except when I had to drive my teens here or there. My daughter went to live with her dad last September, in large part because of my relationship, so that hurts every day too. My son is with me and knows the situation -- the last time i took my AB back, my son ran away (for a few hours). They talked it through, together, in December, and my son gave him "one more chance."

My daughter doesn't even want to be with me; my son is amazing but sometimes I feel like he's so upset with this that he'll be better off. I do have a dog that depends on me.

I put away all of our photos and reminders. I put away my beautiful engagement ring. I'm not a jewelry person; I'm not all about the diamond. But it is so brilliant, it felt like it illustrated us magnificently. He keeps texting and leaving voicemails that sound like he is dying.

I don't want to do this to him and be without him, but even more so, I don't want to do this to ME. I know it could probably get better alone someday, but what I can't grasp is hope. I'm 48, and just tired of pain. It's not all because of this, so much loss in my life, i kept hoping that this was going to be my safe haven. My work situation is so bad; the relationship with my children is strained; I can't even talk to my friends about this. I'm just so tired, and want all of it to stop.

I started seeing a new therapist myself, last week. We have another appt tomorrow morning. I don't really want to mention these thoughts, cause that brings up all sorts of flags, I know. I just need to say what's in my heart. I'm living 5 minutes at a time right now.

thank you.
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:08 AM
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Bamboo, .... sweetie.... PLEASE go to the nearest emergency room and tell them you are feeling this way. You will get the support, medical attention and rest that you need so badly.

If you can't bring yourself to do that, please at least call the national hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

You CAN get through this pain and you WILL live to see better and brighter days. You WILL be happy again. Please -- for your children's sake -- reach out now.

((((Hugs))))
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:48 AM
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With love (and some anger), I said I could not live like this anymore, and I won't.
There is your hope ^ you're struggling to find. You loved yourself enough to say no more, and you acted on it. You've started seeing a therapist and that's another piece of hope that came from you.

Please at least consider calling the hotline tjp gave you.

Please be open and honest with your therapist, too. There's a saying that we're only as sick as our secrets, and I believe you're finding out how true that is. I told my therapist one time I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't care if I lived or died. Saying it was freeing, and I found the desire and will to live again, almost as soon as I dumped it on him.

Depression sucks and it can hijack a brain just as easily as a drug.

Prayers for you and yours
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:01 AM
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Bamboo... Here I read your thread. Yes, u are right. We have similar situation now. I'm in bed again... Just keep reading SR with my iPhone.
I just told myself that I shouldn't stay in bed next weekend. I also take 5 min at a time...

Hugs
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:43 AM
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Bamboo... Here I read your thread. Yes, u are right. We have similar situation now. I'm in bed again... Just keep reading SR with my iPhone.
I just told myself that I shouldn't stay in bed next weekend. I also take 5 min at a time...

Hugs
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Old 03-04-2012, 09:18 AM
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Oh dear Bamboo, your story is so amazingly similar to mine it is as though we are leading parallel lives I swear. Part of me wants to post the romantic love and promises I have received in the last two weeks...I swear you would recognize them.

I think for me part of what is SO SO hard is that when addiction is the main cause of the demise of a love relationship the grief that one experiences is compounded by shame.

Maybe that is why you can speak so openly here? Do you feel as though you can't speak intimately, openly with people in your community because you were "foolish enough to ONCE again go back to an addict?" I think for me the addict part was hard because mine was a "serial relapser"...he doesn't want to be called a crackhead or even an addict. In meetings he was always an "alcoholic". His denial is insane, plain and simple.

The pattern of a "serial relapser" (read: addict) is that there is a certain amount of time (enough) to establish honeymooning romanticism in between the emotional abuse that occurs with each "relapse" (using episode). My strikingly handsome, highly educated, super seductively romantic, "wants to marry me" man is "too good to be true" before he heads out the door to disappear with crack dealers for 1 or 2 or 3 days.

It wasn't Oscar night for me, it was Valentine's. One moment he's there...and the next he is a crack addict.

The shame???

The shame punishes our grief at the loss. It is like a mirror reflection of the Jekyll and Hyde. I love him and am heartbroken...but I punish myself for feeling that way. My inner parent knows EXACTLY all the reasons why I SHOULD not even THINK about him...and my inner parent wants to punish me for even feeling sad at the loss of a huge heart and soul dream that COULD come true if it wasn't for the FECKING TRAGEDY of addiction!

SO that inner parent, and almost every single person in my community, wants to PROTECT me from the ongoing pain of the relapsing relationship. They/I am afraid of my feelings of sorrow and vulnerability because it is the door that opens to the addict/man.

My inner parent wants to protect me and for that reason uses shame and negation of my feelings to try to get me away from the man/addict.

My biggest advice is to find a way to be gentle with yourself, to allow the space to grieve this tragedy.

And...after experimenting with no contact timing...discovered that conversations with him trigger massive emotional waves. I no longer want to subject myself.

I had to make the decision out of love for self, gentle mindful caring for self...rather than shame or punishment for him or me!

Peace and love to you.
Leslie
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Old 03-04-2012, 11:37 AM
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There are these times in life, when we are completely broken and without any hope for our future, when all we had built collapses, and we do not know who we are anymore.

You are not crazy, but you are for now broken.

And the chronic unrelenting stress in the last two years could definitely trigger medical depression--it has to do with skyrocketing cortisol that never gets a chance to return to normal because the stress is so constant--and I agree that you should speak with a physician. It is not possible to think away medical depression and walks in the park or being nice to oneself--as so many might suggest when you are in pain--will not work.

I believe you when you say he is your soul mate.

What I find is most hard for many of us is the ability to take the long view. To accept that some stories take YEARS to unfold, with many chapters. Like a long Russian novel. Some of our stories are like that. It is not over and done in a year or two or even five. Some stories between two individuals are very very long.

Life has broken you so that you can rebuild yourself in a new way. It is true. You will stay underground for a time--as heroines in myths who are lost in the wilderness or who descend into Hell--and then you will claw your way back up. This will be your story over the coming months. It is a story of transformation through pain.

Let your children know that you are broken right now but not forever and that you love them enough to seek help for yourself. They are terrified.

Release your man to God and accept that God has separated you from him for divine reasons you cannot know and that the future between you and the man you love is completely dependent on God's will.

Hold on until hope comes back. Get help and hold on. Your story is not over. But to get to the promises of tomorrow (and they are there--the cycle of life tells us this) you will have to hold on right now.
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Old 03-04-2012, 12:00 PM
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Bamboo,
It's gonna be OK.I remember others on SR telling me so,and not believing them.
I was wrong.We are not just disembodies messages on the internet.We are people.
We know what you are going through because we have been there,too.
That's why we care.That's why we share empathy.
Because we know the pain.And we know it doesn't last forever.
Get help if you need it....but above all things......hold on!
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:54 AM
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Thanks to all who read and to those who replied. I'm starting to see some glimmers of hope. I had a wonderfully nourishing appointment with a counselor today who is well-versed in addiction, codependency and 12 steps. She kept putting me back on the right track and stressing what I need to do today and the next few days -- we'll do more work next week.

It's amazing how many pieces of our stories are so alike. Thanks again.
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