Wing

3 weeks NC (no contact)
I lost motivation on everything. I feel so tired during the weekend. Been staying in bed most of time. I'm not cleaning the house, not doing my creative hobby, don't wanna go out, don't wanna dress up, don't wanna eat.

Are the above withdrawal symptom? Situation was not such bad when we went NC before... I could still hang out with friends and did some painting. Now, it's so bad since we were in touch again, saw each other again and go NC again...

Now I wonder if this issue is also progressive like the RA going through relapse. I relapsed (getting back to him) and got hurt once again... now i have to get onto the recovery road again. But I find it's even harder than before. Why did I relapse and experience the pain all over again?

This weekend, I miss him... I almost contact him again... But I know that I must control myself.

CanfixONLYme

Hi Wing,

I have been having a bit of rough night myself... and understand your post very well... As I too have gone thru this kind of rough patch and honestly, I think it's a way for our body and mind to regenerate after being emmersed in the chaos of addiction after a healthy break of NC.

It's like the brain and body go thru like a depression --- miserable because of the sheit we personally went thru with our addicted loved ones and then when seeing them again, it could trigger that "fight/flight" "protect" "be on guard" stance.

Inevitably if the addicted loved one isn't in an honest recovery and we go back to having contact with them, we are the ones that end up suffering. I hope you are not beating yourself up...

... Best thing is to try to get a really good nights sleep, write your thoughts and feelings down, come back here and just be kind to yourself. Healing ones enabling behavior does not happen over night and we all have setbacks.

Hugs to you!

Marytherboo

Hi Wing,

I'm so grateful for your post, because I'm going through the same thing after finally separating from AH. My mind goes crazy, but my motivation is at an all time low. I feel like I CAN'T think about myself in a healthy way, so I just drift along wishing things were magically different.

I have been staying faithful to my morning practice of reading and praying, and I do notice that for those few minutes I'm able to focus on asking for guidance and comfort for myself. I wasn't always even able to do that, I was so hung up on praying for AH (thus ignoring my own needs and issues).

I too am comparing my state to addiction. How humbling, but also good information. I send you a warm hug and best wishes. If you hang in there it will get better. And no one can take it away from you now.

Wing

Dear both,

Thx for the hugs...
I know it's just weak moment. I know that im not alone. And I am always weak in weekends.

Dear Marytherboo, I'm totally related to what u said. 'I just drift along wishing things were magically different'. I really look down upon myself for the fact that I'm actually wishing him to contact me again and tell me that he finally get a program. I wish that he's not alcoholic and cocaine addict; maybe I should better wish I had never met him?

I miss him. I miss the person who looked into my eyes and told me to have faith on him; I miss the person who told me that hr had hard time and wished to have fresh start...

I miss him. I wish I don't.

bamboo38

Wing, thank you for posting. I just posted some similar thoughts. Guess we're not as alone as we feel. Best wishes to you.

outtolunch

This guy is an abuser, a liar, a manipulater and a cheat.

Is it possible your hopeful fantasy that he is going to magically turn into the guy you want and need is blinding you to his reality?

How abiut getting out of the house and volunteering your time, somewhere? Soup kitchen? Animal shelter? Mature adult center? A hospital? The list is endless.

Wing

Thx. Yes. He's abuser, liar, manipulator and a CHEAT.
I remember that one of the members wrote in a post 'when someone shows u who he is, u'd better believe it'

Thanks for reminding me! Thanks..

YearForMe

Did you read the sticky at the top of the forum "Brain Chemistry of a Loved One" ?
That might help.

I think the lack of motivation is the crash....after the drama and disappointment.

Impurrfect

(((Wing))) - as both an RA and recovering codie? I did feel the withdrawal from my last XABF was as agonizing as that from crack (no physical withdrawal, all mental). I had to make a list of why he was NOT who I wanted, truly evaluate whether I would ever trust him (nope), but it was still a process.

As hard as it seems, getting out of the house and doing something does help. I had to put a limit on my "pity parties" then just force myself out of my despair.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think the more you focus on why you went NC with him in the first place, it does help. Yes, we still grieve "what could have been" but in time, it's pretty obvious that we can't keep going through what we have just because it MIGHT get better at some time. Life's just too short.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

blackandblue

Dear Wing,

I feel your pain. And I know all too well the temptation to get a fix. I am right there with you in between contact and no contact; rage and submission; temptation and will; grief and growth. It is normal to love the people we love. The problem is that we are loving someone that does not love themselves meaning their identity is shaky at best. So who is the person that we love? We give to a black hole that needs to feed on someone who will give endlessly. I can see it now and I do not fault my XBF anymore for my behavior and choices. If I choose to "actively" love (enable) an active or dry addict then I must understand that is how I will be treated. Like a loose cannon and a ticking time bomb. It is so challenging to love at a distance. I want to hear his voice and feel him close but I am learning with each time around the merry go round that nothing has changed expect my own reflection in the mirror. I went to the park today in my hometown where there was a playground. I noticed kids playing and the teeter totters were empty. I sat on one side of it by myself and realized that teeter totters don't work with one person. Then a light bulb went off in my head. Instead I enjoyed swinging on the swing in the sunshine by myself for a while and someday I would like someone healthy sitting next to me enjoying life with me and not taking me for a ride. The sadness and heaviness will lift. Be gentle with yourself and be aware of your feelings. They are trying to tell you something. Blessings...

FindingJoy

Well this post has great timing. I'm very grateful. Today wild be my two year anniversary with my ExAB (dry but not honestly working a program).

I went NC two weeks ago and haven't seen him for 8 weeks. I didn't even realize it was our anniversary until I got an email from him (he keeps getting them thru as I have many accounts for my business). Just like an addict I couldn't resist just hitting the delete button without reading.

It was short saying how he remembered he made a promise to me two years ago to never break my heart and how he clearly never honored that promise but wants me to know he loves me BLAH BLAH.

Please don't beat yourself up for a set back...they happen to teach us something. What helped me today and maybe you will find this useful:

Called best girlfriend asked her to give me three reasons why its a waste of my time to miss him. (funny how. Lose friends remember things we chose to forget)
She reminded me of his sleep apena caused by drinking and weight along with untreated acid reflux also from drinking. This prevented us from sleeping together basically ever and he chose not to do everything in his control to improve his condition. Take the addict part out this alone is a deal breaker for me. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

I got out, worked out, went outlet store shopping, enjoyed some SoCal sun, and purged a bunch of excess stuff from my house.

Now I'm on SR, with my cat next to me and enjoyed a healthy yummy meal.

Not saying that HE isn't popping into my mind but I keep refocusing it on positive REAL things.

Wing

Dear all,
Thanks so much for your reply and support, u all help me go through my weak time last nite. Today, I'm fine again. Had good discussion in conference meeting, made good jokes with colleagues, put the happiest smile on my face. I bet that nobody could tell that I'm wounded. Guess that weekend is a big problem for me. Sigh...


I read that and it's really helpful and inspiring article

Yes, life is too short. I should feel lucky that we were not married and not have kid. And it's not too late to walk away (as he also said this when he's sober). Cut loss!

Thanks anvilhead. I always like your comments coz u are always so straight forward and

to the point! Thx.

Wing

Dear blackandblue,
You are right and your writing is so beautiful and touching with all these metaphor... I totally understand and feel it. Thanks.

thanks FindingJoy, yes,,, my dear friends told me to call them whenever I feel weak and want to get the fix. Friends are important and I feel lucky to have manynice friends

December2011

I think it is good to give yourself some down time, and just not do anything and allow yourself to be sad, but I think that it can’t go on too long. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to get out of bed and do something. Eventually you will start getting excited about new opportunities and possibilities in your life. And know in your heart that you will get through this, and yes, your life will be better.

I think it might be a good idea to try something new- put down the old hobby for a sec, and do something you haven’t done or do not usually do.

I know grief is a process, and your relationship, or at least what you wanted it to be is lost, and it takes time to heal, so don’t push yourself too hard. I am just sharing some of the things that helped me when I left an abusive relationship. Trust me, it gets better.
Take care

...forget the housework for a little