ewo

Ok. I am going to try to make this as short as possible by doing a Cliff Notes version of "How I Got Here"....

I am a normal girl from your everyday normal family. I married my high school sweetheart (who is also from a pretty normal family). We have 4 children and a happy marriage. We are....you guessed it....pretty normal!

Like the majority of the kids I grew up with, I started binge drinking on weekends and some weekdays when I was 15...and never really stopped. Of course, when I was pregnant and after I had my children, I did stop for a short while.

I'm a "fun" drunk. Life of the party. Never had anger issues or problems with fighting when I was drunk (or sober). And I never got out of control wild. Just trying to have as much fun as possible and making sure everyone else was having fun too.

It was about 8 years ago when I first began to assess my lifestyle...and my drinking. I knew that I needed to start taking it easy and start becoming the kind of adult and mother I imagined myself being. I went through many phases of trying to cut down on drinking (and smoking) or just quitting altogether...but I always ended up back at square one.

Finally, in the last two years, I've noticed some significant changes...I've developed anxiety and have had panic attacks...which, oddly enough, only seem to occur the day after getting drunk. I also noticed that the days after drinking were filled with guilt and remorse...so much so that I would envision myself blowing my brains out with a gun (something I knew I would never actually do - even when I was envisioning it, but for whatever reason, it helped me "rid" myself of the guilt and shame in that moment). Regardless, it's a scary thing to be thinking about.

SO...I decided to really, truly, and HONESTLY evaluate my drinking. I "stepped" outside of myself and looked in on my life and took note of all the scenarios in which alcohol was involved. What I saw was shocking. Drinking and driving. Drinking and driving with my beautiful children in the car (makes me sick to even admit/think/write about). Being sneaky about drinking - pretending I drank less than I really did or opening a beer when no one was looking so they'd think I was still on the same beer (stupid). Cancelling plans or making up excuses as to why my kids couldn't go to birthday parties or other fun events...the truth being that I didn't want to nail down weekend plans for my kids because I might want to get drunk on that day (and therefore don't want to take the chance of having alcohol on my breath when I'm at the event).

Wow. Writing this out is making me sick to my stomach. What a selfish horrible person I WAS. My children deserve so much better. My last drink was on Wednesday Feb. 29. At the end of today I will be 3 days sober. I will never drink again. I have already stepped up my parenting skills 100%. I feel like in the last 3 days I've spent more time with my children than I have in the last year. It's amazing what having a clear, fresh, attentive mind can do! I LOVE it! I am keeping the phrase "I will not drink today" in my head every time the addict brain starts to creep in. I truly feel like this time is it. I know I will be successful.

ANYWAY, this is getting out of hand - and it was suppose to be the short version. I have tons more to say/post but I will do that another time (or at least in a new post). Thank you all for allowing me to share. I feel like (most of) the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders already!

-ewo

BillyPilgrim

Welcome ewo, so many things there that I can relate to. I am 5 weeks sober, I was like that. I like it better not drunk
You are amongst friends

OCDDan

ewo,
Wecome to the journey, i can relate to the panic attacks, very scary they are..

sugarbear1

Welcome!

artsoul

Welcome ewo!

I can totally relate too...... When we're caught up in our drinking, it's hard to see the reality of what it's doing to us and how that affects the people we love. It really feels good to be sober - I can actually give my full attention to my kids now and even plan things or go places without having to plot and plan around my drinking.

So glad you're here and that you're getting sober!

Dee74

welcome ewo

I remember being shocked and appalled at myself too - but I know know that wasn;t me - it was a me, but not the real me.

The best bit of recovery was rediscovering the real me - the Dee I'd forgotten existed

good to have you with us - you'll find a lot of support here

D

ewo

Thanks for the warm welcomes!

I have a few concerns that I'm not sure how to handle and was hoping maybe someone had similar issues and could help me or at least tell me their experiences with these issues.....

First, I'm not looking forward to having to explain to some of my friends and some of my family about why I'm not drinking. In the past, they just couldn't understand why I would possibly NOT want to drink. I've even brought up the anxiety and panic issues but I was told to "take a pill for that". I don't want to go into great detail about it with them, but I'm afraid they will persist. And I can't just blow them off because the majority of these people are a part of my daily life (and are relatives). I know enough now to not let their comments affect me, but I just don't feel like dealing with it...any advice/tips?

Second, I'm afraid that my husbands drinking and smoking will start to annoy and bother me now that I no longer drink or smoke. We will definitely have to talk about this possibility, but I was wondering if anyone else had to deal with this same issue, and if so, how they dealt with it.

Thanks again for listening/answering!

-ewo

Stang

Oh boy.....try this "it was getting the best of me so I stopped". You don't owe anymore explanation than that. If they nag then just get outright rude....seriously.

BillyPilgrim

Ewo
Stopping drinking is for you. You will function better, feel better, look after your kids better off drink. As for worrying about what friends and family feel, dont. If they care for you, they will support you. Friends who want you to drink, arent friends.

I have told some people I am alky, others I just dont drink when I am with them, or even avoid them. My life is better now I dont drink

I am sure your husband will give you the support you need not to drink, concentrate on your recovery though. You cant worry about anyone elses drink in recovery

OCDDan

ewo,
at three days into sobriety, you haven't seen the worst yet, imo the first 14 days are the hardest, what to tell loved ones the reason why you are not drinking can be very hard, you don't want to offend them because they love to drink, you'll have to figure that one out, i wouldn't lie to them, it will take finese, but they will respect you, and some of them will wish they could quit too.

LDT

ewo....welcome! For many reasons, I just decided to tell my friends and family that I quit drinking for health reasons. To elaborate further with them would be to jeopardize my resolve to quit drinking, as they all drink. ( I come from a very dysfunctional family). My advice is tell those who you feel will support you and/ or not judge you(if you feel you need to), and let the rest of your circle draw their own conclusions. The truth is.... you do not owe anyone an explanation, really. ....as to your other concern about your husband, I can SO relate to that. My husband continued to drink after I stopped. He even, in the first week of my sobriety, brought home a bottle of my favorite wine and drank the whole bottle right in front of me. It was really upsetting. I could not believe how insensitive he was being, especially since HE was the one who forced the issue of me getting sober. This went on for a while and was the source of much tension in our marriage. That is, until one day he agreed to have a session with my therapist by himself. After that session he understood what I was going through and the STRENGTH it took for me to stay sober. And even though he wasn't the one with the drinking problem, he quit drinking alcohol in front of me, and gradually drank less and less when he wasn't around me ( as in being with " the guys " ). These days, 13 months into my sobriety, it's not nearly as difficult being around "normal" drinkers. I still don't enjoy socializing with hard core drinkers, but I'm fine with my husband having a beer or my friend having a glass of wine when we go out to eat. But it was a PROCESS getting to this point. I am a much different person than I was a year ago, and you will be as well. You will find your way. Just do not let anyone steer you off course.

Snarf

Thanks for joining us! This site has been a tremendous help for me since the day I stopped drinking.

Don't get too caught up in the whole "never drinking again" thing. None of us can see the future, and thinking about some far-off event (which may not even occur) at which other people are drinking and we're not can cause anxiety and nervousness. Just don't drink today, and then tomorrow do the same thing. If you keep that pattern going, you don't have to worry about the future. Just today.

DoinThis

Awesome ewo on 3 days! I'm a mother also and am 5 weeks sober. The first 4 weeks i was tired, exhausted, irritable, grumpy or up and down constantly but it's slowly settled down and now I'm feeling amazing! The quality time with my daughter is so much better and I'm not just thinking of pouring another wine! Good on u for making this decision. I just want u to know that for me that first month was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I mean ever! But so worth it once u get through it.

My mantra is 'the only way out is through'. Meaning out of the addiction/obsession is through the cravings, irritability and tiredness etc. all the best!

sheerExcellence

ewo,

i am glad you came to this site and i am very proud of you for making the decision to stop drinking alcohol. what i can tell you, from my experiences, is do not worry about what to tell your friends and family at this moment. What is most important is that you build up a list of reasons why you don't want to drink (like you did in your first post), this is a list you can constantly turn to whenever the urges pop up and drive you to want to drink. This site is also a great resource as you can come and re-read all these posts to remind you the dangers of drinking.

As for what to tell everyone else, that is just your panic setting in and trying to make excuses for why you will need to drink in the future, so might as well drink now. you should NOT be concerned with that. if you were a person that constantly ran into traffic, like the game frogger, and you decided one day "hmm im going to stop running into the middle of the street as cars are coming because it is dangerous..." you wouldnt be concerned with "what will i tell my friends and family that still run into the street. they will pressure me to run into the street too...."

don't worry about the downsides. you will learn how to answer them when the time comes. right now this is time to focus on you. i wish you the best and i know you can do it and please come here often to share all of your thoughts. you have help with this board.

psilyguy

Ewo, if you can't quit drinking I understand, been there, it's tough. But PLEASE do not get yourself in a DUI situation with your kids in the car.

ewo

SheerExcellence, I did make a list that I plan to look at often. That is what made me realize that I had more of a problem than I thought I did. I also wrote a list of all the good things that will come (or already have come) from not drinking. These lists are helpful. I will try to post them somewhere - maybe I'll start a blog. Thanks for the support!

ewo

I'm more worried about getting into an accident in that situation - which is the thought that goes through my mind when my addict brain tries to tell me that having "just one" glass of wine won't do any harm. Never again will I ever make that horrific mistake. I've tried numerous times to stop drinking - the longest was 3 months - but this time I feel like I am taking it more seriously (MUCH more seriously). I've set a plan into motion and I feel confident about it. I know there will be hurdles, but I'm trying to get as much info as possible to handle those hurdles properly when they come my way.

flutter

Welcome! As to the telling friends and family thing, if pressed I just say "I used to drink too much, now I don't" or "I found that drinking was making me unhealthy, so I'm done". I'm not big on making excuses (I'm on a medication and can't drink, etc), but I also don't think I owe anyone the gory details of my issues. I'm a non-drinker now, and beyond that it's really nobody's business.

psilyguy

I got my 2nd DUI from a 12 year old girl driving her mothers minivan through a construction zone, ran me off the road. I became a pro at driving while intoxicated...(so I thought) 16 months no drivers license. I'm not in full sobriety but I'm getting there... but the last thing I will ever do is drink and drive again. Sending good karma your way.

Matterhorn

Well stated...everything you wrote about, I have been through. As well as panic attacks and anxiety, I had a bad case of the shakes and very high blood pressure. I am on 7 months and it only gets better. Before you know it 3 days become 3 months...keep it up.