Why does everyone need to know? Am I wrong?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Why does everyone need to know? Am I wrong?
Hi all,
I'm Mike, 28, and am coming up on 4 months sober. My recovery is going quite well. My fiance and her family, my family, and close friends are all aware of my alcoholism and are supportive of my recovery. Since I chose to gain sobriety, I've not hidden my past from friends or family, but at the same time I've not shouted it from the mountain tops.
I come from a family that keeps information close to the vest and on a need-to-know basis. My fiances family is the total opposite. Her immediate family is aware of my past struggles and current efforts toward recovery. My future father in-law recently asked if he could tell his brother and his mother about my alcoholism. His sister knows, because she is also a recovering alcoholic.
My issue is this: I don't know these people (the brother and mother) that well. We don't live nearby and they really won't have a chance to see how well I'm doing and I fear that the stigma of alcoholism will compel them to think poorly of me. I do not understand why they need to know or why my future father in-law feels they must know. My alcoholism may have been somewhat obvious to those close to me, but even my fiance was surprised when I described the extent of it (and we'd been living together for 2 years). So, I doubt her extended family even had a clue. In the absence of this information, I believe they see me as a highly intelligent, successful, and all around good guy.
I'm not in denial over my disease and am working a solid program (AA) with a terrific sponsor. I just don't believe the hesitance to disseminating my disease to everyone with two ears constitutes denial. There will come a time in the near future when I have to look an entire room full of her extended family in the eye and I just don't want to feel under the microscope. Some but not all of her extended family can be fairly critical.
So, my father in-law wants to know if he can start telling his own immediate family and I'm not sure how to broach this: I don't see how he or they stand to benefit.
Advice or input would be appreciated
I'm Mike, 28, and am coming up on 4 months sober. My recovery is going quite well. My fiance and her family, my family, and close friends are all aware of my alcoholism and are supportive of my recovery. Since I chose to gain sobriety, I've not hidden my past from friends or family, but at the same time I've not shouted it from the mountain tops.
I come from a family that keeps information close to the vest and on a need-to-know basis. My fiances family is the total opposite. Her immediate family is aware of my past struggles and current efforts toward recovery. My future father in-law recently asked if he could tell his brother and his mother about my alcoholism. His sister knows, because she is also a recovering alcoholic.
My issue is this: I don't know these people (the brother and mother) that well. We don't live nearby and they really won't have a chance to see how well I'm doing and I fear that the stigma of alcoholism will compel them to think poorly of me. I do not understand why they need to know or why my future father in-law feels they must know. My alcoholism may have been somewhat obvious to those close to me, but even my fiance was surprised when I described the extent of it (and we'd been living together for 2 years). So, I doubt her extended family even had a clue. In the absence of this information, I believe they see me as a highly intelligent, successful, and all around good guy.
I'm not in denial over my disease and am working a solid program (AA) with a terrific sponsor. I just don't believe the hesitance to disseminating my disease to everyone with two ears constitutes denial. There will come a time in the near future when I have to look an entire room full of her extended family in the eye and I just don't want to feel under the microscope. Some but not all of her extended family can be fairly critical.
So, my father in-law wants to know if he can start telling his own immediate family and I'm not sure how to broach this: I don't see how he or they stand to benefit.
Advice or input would be appreciated
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
I think your concerns are 100% justified. Your recovery and your past addiction is completely your business. I would tell your father in law that you would prefer to be the one to share this very personal information with other people when and if appropriate or not at all. I would just be open and honest with him about it.
It's likely that he is just happy for you and wants to share this happiness with others, but it's really not his place to do so at the cost of your privacy.
Well done on your recovery thus far, and welcome to SR. I do hope you stick around and share more of your story with us.
Best wishes,
It's likely that he is just happy for you and wants to share this happiness with others, but it's really not his place to do so at the cost of your privacy.
Well done on your recovery thus far, and welcome to SR. I do hope you stick around and share more of your story with us.
Best wishes,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: LA, California
Posts: 372
Congrats on 4 months. I Agree with you and Josh. It's your business, you've already told who you need to tell, that's good enough. There's no need for your father in law to tell everyone he knows.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I generally don't care who knows I'm in recovery. (I don't broadcast it blatantly though...and, in my career as a financial planner I don't open that info to all my clients though some DO know). I sure wasn't all that careful about hiding my alcoholism....why hide recovery? So many ppl have seen me at my worst, why not tell them I'm working on NOT being that fool ever again?
If your father-in-law has a sister in recovery.....and that family is open....then the family knows the sister is in recovery. Odds are, they saw her go from a wreck to a pretty darn good person (just cuz she's in recovery though, doesn't mean we can make assumptions about "how" recovered she is.....lol).
Me.....I wouldn't worry for a second. I say let em all know. I too was raised in a family of secrets and IMO, secrets don't work.
On another note.......since you're in AA ...you could be asked to do an open talk (which, btw, is a wonderful experience - don't miss out on it) & their whole family (+ anyone in the world) is welcome to come and hear whatever you have to say. AA's been founded on years and years of practicing honesty.
I haven't been burned ONE time in almost 5 years of telling ppl I'm in recovery, not once.
*** What was your sponsor's advice?
If your father-in-law has a sister in recovery.....and that family is open....then the family knows the sister is in recovery. Odds are, they saw her go from a wreck to a pretty darn good person (just cuz she's in recovery though, doesn't mean we can make assumptions about "how" recovered she is.....lol).
Me.....I wouldn't worry for a second. I say let em all know. I too was raised in a family of secrets and IMO, secrets don't work.
On another note.......since you're in AA ...you could be asked to do an open talk (which, btw, is a wonderful experience - don't miss out on it) & their whole family (+ anyone in the world) is welcome to come and hear whatever you have to say. AA's been founded on years and years of practicing honesty.
I haven't been burned ONE time in almost 5 years of telling ppl I'm in recovery, not once.
*** What was your sponsor's advice?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I have to go along with Josh on this one too...It's hard enough being under the microscope as the new member of their family without having any other labels put on you...When the time is right for you...You'll know it...If there ever even needs to be a time..Congrats on your choice of marriage and your choice of recovery...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
My recovery is none of anyone's business. Along those same lines, what people think of me is none of my business. Somewhere in there is a working philosophy, I'm almost sure of it. 
Having said that I would suggest that whoever knows about your issues also be made known how private and personal it is to you, and to keep their mouths shut. Something like alcoholism - being so misunderstood by so many - it can be taken out of context quickly, and it also can be used against you if and when it serves a purpose for someone with low moral values and a grudge.
Of course that attitude is completely dependent on my business, because in my line of work reputation is literally everything. When someone labels you an alcoholic/addict it can seriously affect your ability to earn a living, thanks to an entire industry full of unscrupulous competitors.
If work were not an issue though, strictly on a personal and social level I truly wouldn't give a rat's arse who knew I was once a pi$$ tank, because like I said, what people think of me is none of my business. Honestly I couldn't possibly care less. Besides, people are highly overrated. I have come to believe that the only opinion of my character that really matters are the opinions that come from my Higher Power and those that I hold near my heart.
I guess it boils down to what your own instinct is telling you... if you are not comfortable with people making your affliction a conversation piece, it is well within your right to tell Dad-to-be to squash his need for openness - at least where you're concerned.
Having said that I would suggest that whoever knows about your issues also be made known how private and personal it is to you, and to keep their mouths shut. Something like alcoholism - being so misunderstood by so many - it can be taken out of context quickly, and it also can be used against you if and when it serves a purpose for someone with low moral values and a grudge.
Of course that attitude is completely dependent on my business, because in my line of work reputation is literally everything. When someone labels you an alcoholic/addict it can seriously affect your ability to earn a living, thanks to an entire industry full of unscrupulous competitors.
If work were not an issue though, strictly on a personal and social level I truly wouldn't give a rat's arse who knew I was once a pi$$ tank, because like I said, what people think of me is none of my business. Honestly I couldn't possibly care less. Besides, people are highly overrated. I have come to believe that the only opinion of my character that really matters are the opinions that come from my Higher Power and those that I hold near my heart.
I guess it boils down to what your own instinct is telling you... if you are not comfortable with people making your affliction a conversation piece, it is well within your right to tell Dad-to-be to squash his need for openness - at least where you're concerned.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi MrL, Although I am a fairly private person who works in a public realm, whenever someone asks me "can I tell so & so whatever?" I always tell them, "say what you want". I never tell anyone what they can and cannot say, as it is not my issue. It really is freeing to take that attitude. I actually feel it is quite thoughtful of your future FIL to ask if he may tell other immediate family members. And in the end, people will always say what they want!
You sound like you have a wonderful future & a solid recovery program. Regardless of who is told, let any preconceptions be. Your life will speak for itself. And good for you
You sound like you have a wonderful future & a solid recovery program. Regardless of who is told, let any preconceptions be. Your life will speak for itself. And good for you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
I am stuck on this one...I do climb the mountain and proclaim the miracles of my sobriety.....but, why in the world would someone ask you if they can talk about you? I mean do people plan the event of talking about others? Is it a coming out party he is planning? Really, I have to say I would be troubled if my father-in-law asked me if he could share that I go to church on Sunday.
I think my answer would be (politely)..."of course you are welcome to share anything you like, and I am very proud and committed to my sobriety. That said, I just can't imagine that being the most interesting conversation."
I think my answer would be (politely)..."of course you are welcome to share anything you like, and I am very proud and committed to my sobriety. That said, I just can't imagine that being the most interesting conversation."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I am a pretty open person. My dh might think I overshare, lol.
I wouls not be comfortable with the question posed to you. it is just odd. i do not understand why he would care to tell them or why he asked you. But since he did, i would tell him very honestly how it makes you feel. Like you told us. If it is not okay with you, tell him that.
I also feel it is a personal journey. I think we all face enough judgement and alcohol addiction faces tremendous judgement. People can tend to repeat and tell, and even meaning well, as others have pointed out, it could affect business matters, people's trust, etc... Maybe some might worry about th echance for relapse, and decide not to use you for your profession or something. Just practical stuff like that, nevermind the emotional journey that goes beyond what others without the issues can comprehend.
Tell your future FIL how you feel, and your desire to have their support, but to keep it up to you to share with ithers as you choose. Well, do what you want, but that is my opinion.
Congratulations. And you are lucky to have such a supportive family.
rochele
I wouls not be comfortable with the question posed to you. it is just odd. i do not understand why he would care to tell them or why he asked you. But since he did, i would tell him very honestly how it makes you feel. Like you told us. If it is not okay with you, tell him that.
I also feel it is a personal journey. I think we all face enough judgement and alcohol addiction faces tremendous judgement. People can tend to repeat and tell, and even meaning well, as others have pointed out, it could affect business matters, people's trust, etc... Maybe some might worry about th echance for relapse, and decide not to use you for your profession or something. Just practical stuff like that, nevermind the emotional journey that goes beyond what others without the issues can comprehend.
Tell your future FIL how you feel, and your desire to have their support, but to keep it up to you to share with ithers as you choose. Well, do what you want, but that is my opinion.
Congratulations. And you are lucky to have such a supportive family.
rochele
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
You should be able to tell them in your own way, in your own time, when you are ready. That would be best. Future FIL probably means well, but maybe tell him you would prefer to wait for the right time. I only confide about these things with people I absolutely trust, my specialists, my closest family and best friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 732
I didn't tell anyone in the beginning except my immediate family that I had quit drinking. It's how I wanted it to be and it's worked for me. Now that some time has passed I've shared but downplayed it. It's totally your business.
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