I don't know what to do next but I know I need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
I don't know what to do next but I know I need help
This is my first post and I need some help. I read and relate to so many of the stories in this forum but it is so hard and and I feel I'm at the end of my rope.
My RW is trying so hard to stay sober. She goes to counseling and attends AA meetings almost daily. She says she loves me and our family and does not want to drink or to lose us. However, she is still drinking and flat out lies about it. When I confront her the next morning (because both I and our children know her and know how she acts when drinking) she breaks down and sometimes admits it. Then she goes on to say she is so embarrassed and ashamed with herself and says she needs to call her sponsor and keep going to meetings.
This has become such a vicious cycle that i can't take it any more. I love her deeply and can't stand the thought of losing her. But it is killing me (and our kids). I want to leave and sometimes I want her to leave but I know that won't solve the problem. I've tried to say if this continues we will go our separate ways but I am too frightened to end our marriage and it doesn't do any good because she still drinks and lies about it.
I've been to a couple of alonon meetings and I know I need to go to more. Like others, I'm so tired of this and don't know where to turn next. Please give me some advice.
Thank you
My RW is trying so hard to stay sober. She goes to counseling and attends AA meetings almost daily. She says she loves me and our family and does not want to drink or to lose us. However, she is still drinking and flat out lies about it. When I confront her the next morning (because both I and our children know her and know how she acts when drinking) she breaks down and sometimes admits it. Then she goes on to say she is so embarrassed and ashamed with herself and says she needs to call her sponsor and keep going to meetings.
This has become such a vicious cycle that i can't take it any more. I love her deeply and can't stand the thought of losing her. But it is killing me (and our kids). I want to leave and sometimes I want her to leave but I know that won't solve the problem. I've tried to say if this continues we will go our separate ways but I am too frightened to end our marriage and it doesn't do any good because she still drinks and lies about it.
I've been to a couple of alonon meetings and I know I need to go to more. Like others, I'm so tired of this and don't know where to turn next. Please give me some advice.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Johnny,
Welcome to you, so glad you are here, so sorry about all that has gone wrong.
First off I am going to ask you for a favor, I want you to go over to ACOA forum and read the stories, see what growing up with an alcoholic has done to us. My mom has been an alcoholic almost my whole life. I just turned 50, I am in therapy, trying to get over the damage of being raised in an alcoholic home.
If you can't leave for your self, find a way to leave for your kids. You cannot imagine how much I hate my mother for all she did to me, and my father for enabling her, he tolerated her treating us with cruelty, with putting us in danger again and again.
I asked my dad, why, why did you leave us there, you could have done something, but he is like you, his answer was that he loves her so freakin much he was willing to allow his children to suffer.
There is a mountain of evidence that children raised with an alcoholic parent suffer substantial damage, even when there is no physical or verbal abuse.
The other advice i will give you is to read everything you can get your hands on, especially Melody Beatties Codependent No More. There are other books listed under recent posts on both the Friends nad Family and ACOA forums.
Lastly, individual therapy has helped me tremendously, it has allowed me to recognize my issues and enact a plan to deal with them, also you don't say how old your children are but ala-teen could be a huge benefit to them.
I hope it all works out for you, I will pray for your family.
Bill
Welcome to you, so glad you are here, so sorry about all that has gone wrong.
First off I am going to ask you for a favor, I want you to go over to ACOA forum and read the stories, see what growing up with an alcoholic has done to us. My mom has been an alcoholic almost my whole life. I just turned 50, I am in therapy, trying to get over the damage of being raised in an alcoholic home.
If you can't leave for your self, find a way to leave for your kids. You cannot imagine how much I hate my mother for all she did to me, and my father for enabling her, he tolerated her treating us with cruelty, with putting us in danger again and again.
I asked my dad, why, why did you leave us there, you could have done something, but he is like you, his answer was that he loves her so freakin much he was willing to allow his children to suffer.
There is a mountain of evidence that children raised with an alcoholic parent suffer substantial damage, even when there is no physical or verbal abuse.
The other advice i will give you is to read everything you can get your hands on, especially Melody Beatties Codependent No More. There are other books listed under recent posts on both the Friends nad Family and ACOA forums.
Lastly, individual therapy has helped me tremendously, it has allowed me to recognize my issues and enact a plan to deal with them, also you don't say how old your children are but ala-teen could be a huge benefit to them.
I hope it all works out for you, I will pray for your family.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, Johnny.
Keep going to Al-Anon, even if it's not a perfect group or a perfect fit. The very act of pursuing your own independent recovery has profound meaning. Read the literature that's free at the meetings. (And the "Sticky" links here as well). In larger cities there are often men-only meetings. You might check where you are.
How long has your AW been attempting recovery?
In Al-Anon they say "Easy Does It." Your post reflects what we often do in the intense stress of addiction: we think in black and white. We forget a middle ground.
Your options are not only staying or divorcing. There is separation. In separation, both you and your wife are released from the marriage long enough to become un-entwined from each other, to become independent and clear-thinking individuals again, to sort out who you really are un-distorted by addiction, and to own your responsibility for personal growth.
As always happens in families of addiction, your marriage has been operating on fear and masks and half-truths and lies. When the addict and the spouse separate to work on themselves, alone, then come together again after perhaps a year of sobriety (if she achieves it) to work on the marriage, there is a chance for a happy outcome. The addict has stabilized and regained normal cognition. The codependent (you) has stopped living life in constant reaction and mental chaos and can also think normally again.
You will always be bound to an alcoholic. Always. You have children with her and even if you divorce, you will always have alcoholism in your personal life. Your children will always have an alcoholic mother. Maybe recovering. Maybe not. But it will never go away and the disease will always be a significant influence on your family.
You have a responsibility to yourself, your children, and your marriage to enter into a vigorous recovery program of your own. In fact, without that, if your wife sobers up and you don't get your thinking and behavior straight--where addiction is involved--then the prognosis for your marriage and your children's recovery from the trauma of having an addict parent is slim.
So do keep attending Al-Anon, as many meetings per week as you can fit into your schedule. 90 meetings in 90 days would be incredible. Get yourself into counseling for recovery from codependency. Get some professional help for your children.
You will eventually be able to make decisions based on a grounded understanding of yourself and the disease, and you will not be making decisions out of a place of reactive rage or guilt or confusion.
Welcome to SR! There is hope when we do our work.
Keep going to Al-Anon, even if it's not a perfect group or a perfect fit. The very act of pursuing your own independent recovery has profound meaning. Read the literature that's free at the meetings. (And the "Sticky" links here as well). In larger cities there are often men-only meetings. You might check where you are.
How long has your AW been attempting recovery?
In Al-Anon they say "Easy Does It." Your post reflects what we often do in the intense stress of addiction: we think in black and white. We forget a middle ground.
Your options are not only staying or divorcing. There is separation. In separation, both you and your wife are released from the marriage long enough to become un-entwined from each other, to become independent and clear-thinking individuals again, to sort out who you really are un-distorted by addiction, and to own your responsibility for personal growth.
As always happens in families of addiction, your marriage has been operating on fear and masks and half-truths and lies. When the addict and the spouse separate to work on themselves, alone, then come together again after perhaps a year of sobriety (if she achieves it) to work on the marriage, there is a chance for a happy outcome. The addict has stabilized and regained normal cognition. The codependent (you) has stopped living life in constant reaction and mental chaos and can also think normally again.
You will always be bound to an alcoholic. Always. You have children with her and even if you divorce, you will always have alcoholism in your personal life. Your children will always have an alcoholic mother. Maybe recovering. Maybe not. But it will never go away and the disease will always be a significant influence on your family.
You have a responsibility to yourself, your children, and your marriage to enter into a vigorous recovery program of your own. In fact, without that, if your wife sobers up and you don't get your thinking and behavior straight--where addiction is involved--then the prognosis for your marriage and your children's recovery from the trauma of having an addict parent is slim.
So do keep attending Al-Anon, as many meetings per week as you can fit into your schedule. 90 meetings in 90 days would be incredible. Get yourself into counseling for recovery from codependency. Get some professional help for your children.
You will eventually be able to make decisions based on a grounded understanding of yourself and the disease, and you will not be making decisions out of a place of reactive rage or guilt or confusion.
Welcome to SR! There is hope when we do our work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
I can't say much except that I recently opted for separation and although it's hard, it is definitely for the best. Time will tell what the next step should be, and until then I am safe and free to work on my own recovery without the emotional, financial and spiritual drain of living with an active A.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i agree whole-heartedly with all the posters above.
from what you have described, it sounds as if perhaps she is using her attendance at AA as a bartering tool to maintain the status quo. it does not sound as if she has surrendered to her powerlessness over alcohol.
i'm wondering if perhaps a formal detox or rehab would help her? that way, she would be in an environment where she can not drink at all. once the alcohol is out of her system and the alcoholic mind has cleared, there is a chance that AA would be useful.
it all depends on whether she really wants to stop or not. if she doesn't really want to stop, then there is nothing you can do about it other than protect yourself and your children from the resultant damage.
naive
from what you have described, it sounds as if perhaps she is using her attendance at AA as a bartering tool to maintain the status quo. it does not sound as if she has surrendered to her powerlessness over alcohol.
i'm wondering if perhaps a formal detox or rehab would help her? that way, she would be in an environment where she can not drink at all. once the alcohol is out of her system and the alcoholic mind has cleared, there is a chance that AA would be useful.
it all depends on whether she really wants to stop or not. if she doesn't really want to stop, then there is nothing you can do about it other than protect yourself and your children from the resultant damage.
naive
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Johnny...
Only your wife knows how hard she is working on her sobriety. It may appear that she is, but, it may be that she is going thru the motions.
We alcoholics are master manipulators. When we are active in our addiction, we will do anything to keep what we want and desire. The chaos that surrounds the drinking, guilty day after confessions and subsequent support to "do better" keep us, all of us, from dealing with the elephant in the room..which, is an active alcoholic who isn't doing everything to get and stay sober. When I was actively drinking, that chaos helped me stay in the problem ( my drinking) and not in a solution (working a program of recovery).
Please keep attending Al-Anon. Learn all you can about this disease, and how to heal yourself. Children need healthy parents. If one is an active alcoholic, the other parent needs to be healthy to show children how healthy adults live life.
My heart goes out to you. Active alcoholics are a tornado whirling thru lives, leaving destruction in their paths. Al-Anon can help you find your safe place in the storm.
Only your wife knows how hard she is working on her sobriety. It may appear that she is, but, it may be that she is going thru the motions.
We alcoholics are master manipulators. When we are active in our addiction, we will do anything to keep what we want and desire. The chaos that surrounds the drinking, guilty day after confessions and subsequent support to "do better" keep us, all of us, from dealing with the elephant in the room..which, is an active alcoholic who isn't doing everything to get and stay sober. When I was actively drinking, that chaos helped me stay in the problem ( my drinking) and not in a solution (working a program of recovery).
Please keep attending Al-Anon. Learn all you can about this disease, and how to heal yourself. Children need healthy parents. If one is an active alcoholic, the other parent needs to be healthy to show children how healthy adults live life.
My heart goes out to you. Active alcoholics are a tornado whirling thru lives, leaving destruction in their paths. Al-Anon can help you find your safe place in the storm.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I have something simple to say.
Obviously she is not ready to stop. Eventually, something will happen to make her hit bottom and she will stop.
But where is your bottom? How far down are you willing to go?
Obviously she is not ready to stop. Eventually, something will happen to make her hit bottom and she will stop.
But where is your bottom? How far down are you willing to go?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Johnny, You will find amazing support here. Keep posting, and reading. Educating yourself regarding alcoholism is the best gift you can give yourself and your kids. I have to ask, What are you getting out of this relationship?
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