hope4us01

My ex has been a addicted to meth for over 12 years. He's been to rehab 3 differents times. We have a 10 year old daughter. So far, she does not know about his addiction.. only that he's made some bad decisions and been irresponsible. Last year, I haulted any unsupervised visitation he had with her and got her into counseling. My counselor consistently tells me NOT to tell her the truth. That I should 'shield' her from any traumatic information that would hurt her. Until recently I have agreed with that. I'm terrified that she is going to make herself sick with worry. She is in DARE this year.. learing about drugs. She is angry and we have been arguing more and more lately. I think she thinks I am 'keeping' her dad away.. when in reality I'm only trying to protect her. I'm soo torn. Please tell me if any of you have experience with this and if so how should I handle it? How do you tell your daughter her father is addicted to meth??

Thumper

I chose to discuss alcoholism (in basic compassionate terms) with my boys that age and don't regret it. I think it helped. After the basics I let them take the lead (and they really don't ask any questions at all). It was not traumatic for them. It helped them understand and process things. It gave them a framework to help make sense of their world.

Each person is different so I don't know what would be best for your daughter. I would certainly explore it more with her counselor though because your intuition as a mother isn't something to just brush aside.

LaTeeDa

IMHO, I think it's very confusing for children to know "something" isn't right, but not be allowed to know what that "something" is. I was one of those children. Is there a specific reason behind your counselor's suggestion? Is the counselor experienced in addiction and codependence?

L

ichabod

I wouldn't keep something like that from a 10 year old. She knows about drugs. Something like, "daddy loves you but he has some pretty big problems with drugs and my priority is keeping you safe."

My 17 year old grew up with an alcoholic father and I was always as honest as I could be without alarming him.

SoaringSpirits

My son was 10 when I discussed in a very frank way his father's alcoholism and our separation. My counselor encouraged and facilitated this. I think it's very important to level with children in a way the can understand. Kids have a tendency to make up reasons in their head that are often far worse than the actual problem itself, and can also blame themselves.

Tell her now. It will not get any easier over time, and she will probably be quite angry down the road if you continue keeping this from her.

hope4us01

LaTeeDa:
Ur right... it is very confusing and frustrating. Other than the fact that she didn't want me to put 'adult' worries on her and that we had hoped he would go to rehab again and part of his recovery would be talking to her and apologizing for the things he did. She said it would be better for it to come from him. I don't want my daughter to think I'm talking bad about her dad. She gets very defensive. Our counselor is experienced in addiction/codependence/family. I really like her. I do think she's competent, but I really think it's getting to the point where I have to be honest with my daughter. It's getting increasingly difficult for me to be the bad guy all the time and just tell her "I'm sorry baby, one day you'll understand."

hope4us01

Thank you all.. I do agree that it is time to be honest with her. It's so scary though. I'm just afraid she's going to constantly worry about him... when he doesn't call her back or won't answer his phone etc... She's a very sensitive child. She's very smart too. I think I have to just tell her and go over all the things I just read in Cynical One's article.. about telling children of addicts. Reiterate that he's not a bad person.. just someone who is sick with a disease and that it's not her fault.

theuncertainty

There's a big difference between putting adult worries on a child and telling them the truth; and a big difference between bad-mouthing the other parent and telling the truth. Telling the truth about a situation is possible without bad-mouthing the addict / alcoholic.

DS is 7 now, but was 3 when we left his father. Since he was about 4, I've tried keeping an open line of communication going with him about his father, his father's drinking, and how DS is doing. I don't share the gory details of what a f- his dad is, but I do tell him about alcoholism in an age appropriate way and safety plan with him for when he's with his father. Generally with the help of my and DS's counselors.

JMHO. The counselor's expectation that the addict will come forward, apologize and tell your DD about his addiction is a rather rosy-glasses dream. Just because an addict/alcoholic goes to rehab doesn't mean s/he's working towards recovery. And straight forward apologies, amends, and more truthful information about their addiction will most likely come only after a lot of work towards recovery.

If the counselor is worried about the conversation being too adult, perhaps she'd would be willing to talk with you to work out a plan of discussion?

Big hugs, Hope4us.

LucyA

I always spoke to Joe honestly and openly about his dads drinking, he was 11 when he came to live with me but we spoke about it long before then.
After the first few times when I'd said things like 'his drinking is a kind of illness' or 'his drinking changes how his mind works' along with reassuring Joe that his Daddy still loved him Joe confided that he thought it was his fault for being naughty and that he thought his Dad didn't like him any more. I'm almost 100% sure he now knows this was way off the mark.
I think what I did was right for Joe, I'd hate to think how he might still be feeling if I hadn't tried to explain things to him in ways he could understand, and I know he understood because of some of the conversations we still have. I'm not saying it's right for every child, but I think you just know when it is.

Willybluedog

I want to recommend a childrens book to you. I read this book to my children as part of my explanation of their granmothers alcoholism.

I have been told that some AA and al-anon chapters read it aloud ay every meeting and that it is commonly read in group therapy at rehab.

It is "The Brown Bottle" by Penny Jones Amazon 4.5 stars, $4.95

sesh

Being a ACOA myself I second what LaTeeDa said. I wish my mum sat me down and told me the truth, I believe that would save me a lot of confusion back at time and in years to come. As I perceived our family life as normal, not good or pleasurable but normal, the way things are supposed to be. If that wasn't the case I think once my RAH started drinking I'd be much more equiped to deal with the situation.

I told my kids about their dad's alcoholism and alcoholism in general when they were almost 12 and 7. It proved to be the best thing I did for them in that all mess. They understood it much better than one would think. I believe that by stating facts I gave them some peace of mind, as they were no longer in the dark, fearing something they can not understand, but they were given the validation. It improved my relationship with them, as I believe by being honest with them I gave them the reason to believe I am someone they can trust. I answered all their questions the best I could, as honestly as I could choosing words they can understand, and also saying I don't know to things I didn't know. BTW at the time RAH was in hospital with liver cirrhosis and poor survival chance, so I aslo had to answer the question "Is dad going to die?" Hard yes, but much better than to pretend nothing is happening.

There are no secrets in our home any more, and this honesty has proved to be crucial for the healing process of my kids.

I do believe in the saying "The truth will set you free". It did, both my kids and me.
I wish you and your DD the best.

mattmathews

You would tell your child that they were adopted. You would tell your child that you had cancer. You would tell your child to stay away from Uncle Ralph, even if he does offer you ice cream. I can't imagine why you wouldn't tell your child that their dad was an addict? I can see an upside, for the child, to have this major secret in their life. It's got to be confusing for her. And by keeping the reason for why her dad doesn't/can't/won't visit, she's left to imagine her own reasons. Reasons that may be worse than the truth.

It's my own experience that learning to truth or telling the truth has never been as bad as I thought it would be. I truly belive "The truth will set us free."