amyy

hello! i'm new to this forum. i've been browsing around here and found it very helpful but i couldn't really find anything about my particular situation.. which basically deals with deciding to continue the relationship after he's gone through treatment.. he is happy while i haven't been able to move on/forgive and can't seem to trust him. how do i live with this past? how do i trust again? this is a long message, feel free to skim and address anything you'd like. it just helps writing about these feelings.. so THANK YOU.


my boyfriend is a recovered/in recovery? addict (oxy and other painpills). we have been dating for 2 years. i'm a senior in college and he graduated from the same college last year. he started doing painkillers recreationally before we met but i had no idea until about 9 months into our relationship. he broke down, decided he wanted to quit, quit cold turkey but didn't get professional help. anyways, he fell back into it twice before he realized he needed help. he went through an 8 weeks out-patient program last fall and has been doing really well since! i went with him to family nights etc and it was very helpful for me as well.

but i never went to any al-anon meetings or anything for myself.. figured i could deal with it i guess. i'm currently finishing up my last semester of college and we are starting to think about the future. we are very serious about our relationship.. he's going to grad school this fall while i'm taking a year to intern/work before deciding on grad school etc. he wants to live together but i'm really hesitant in doing so even though i want to be with him.

i'm just feeling super confused and i'm still resentful and mad at him for all the hurt he caused me. i don't feel like i can trust him yet and i don't know how to move on from what happened. i'm scared about the future. if we decide to move in together and start a future together, if i choose him over other routes (places to live/work, school etc) i have to accept the fact that he's an addict and that is SO HARD. i freak out thinking that i'd "choose" an addict as the father of my children, i'm scared that he's going to fall back into it again.. i'm scared of all the lies. and i sort of hold that against him in other situations of our relationship. i just want to be able to let go of that resentment, forgive.. but i just can't trust him yet. he doesn't know what to do because he feels like he's done everything i could ask for (treatment, meetings etc) and i don't know what i want him to do either. it just doesn't seem like it's been long enough time after the treatment? i know it will take time but if i have to make a decision about our future.. how can i do that when we don't have time?

so i asked for some space to think about all this.. it's been coming for a little while but he is absolutely devastated and i don't want to hurt him. i want to be able to work this out together but at the same time i need space to think and breathe.. i'm just tired of having to be the caregiver.. am i selfish?

bottom line is.. how do i move on? how do i trust him again? how do i forgive him and not hold it against him?

again, thanks for reading!

blindsided08

I don't have much advice on this issue, but I can tell you, you are not alone. my boyfriend has only been clean a couple months from his heroin addiction, but I too struggle with trust issues. that's our codependency working against us. I'm working on getting into counseling for myself, so I can learn how to deal with it. like you I feel resentment, and anger, and hurt..not only or myself but for him as well. it's definitely a Lon road, and I guess it never really ends becausee like you said there is always that chance that they may go back to their ways..and you will wind up with an active addict instead of a recovering addict. just know during all of this, you aren't the only one with these feelings and I think they are completely valid..but they are something you need to work through and
get past, I wil be doing that as well. good luck!

amyy

thanks for the response. after some reading i realize that what i'm feeling makes sense.. you know.. that's the process we go through and that i definitely need to get some help for myself to sort out my feelings. i just feel pressured and stressed about the fact that i have to decide if i want to move with him or go somewhere else/stay where i am.. we'd be 4 hours apart minimum. i WANT to start a life with him but i'm scared and it's such a big step. you know, we are still young! i just don't know how to talk to him about all this. he doesn't seem to understand. i feel like he's just blaming me for not getting treatment myself earlier (when he was he said i should go to al-anon but i never did) so now he's like "where did this come from? i thought everything was finally fine"

i don't know.. but i guess my question is, how much time should i take for myself? and how much should we work on this together?

KelleyF

My situation is similiar to yours; what I'm feeling is that I truly know the man behind the addiction; and at least at this point I'm willing to accept the possibility of relapse; just as I would accept the possibility of his becoming ill, or injured down the road. I can't really explain why- it's just a feeling - but I do trust my BF. I watch his actions; but they are rock solid thus far.
I posted a while back that my only concern was children. In my case I just finishing Grad school, so I'd like to work for a while before having kids.
I know without doubt my BF would be a great dad, but your right - the future is never guaranteed and if you have kids - they come first. So right now my only solution to this is that regardless of whether I married a man with an addiction or not; if I had kids, I would want to know for certain I could take care of them on my own emotionally and financially if I needed to.
I was once engaged to my college sweetheart (undergrad) but I couldn't take that leap of faith with him; we really had different paths in mind.
I don't regret that decision - he wasn't an addict or anything; he just wasn't right for me. Not sure if that was of any help to you; but your definitely not alone with these questions.

KuanYin

Amyy: You are absolutely not selfish, you are one smart young woman! Listen to your fears. You say in your post "I'm scared" several times. This is a good thing, this is healthy. Listen to your gut instincts and you won't go wrong. Your addict boyfriend has no right to play victim here, and feel "hurt" and wonder what more could you ask for. You didn't sign up for being partner to an addict when you first started dating. How would he feel if you were prostituting on the side, and didn't tell him, and were trying to quit now, but still slipped up every once in a while, and you may or may not continue in the future, no guarantees, but hey you love each other, right? And you'd be a good mother to his children, right?

You already have your answer. You need space to think, to breathe, to clear your head. You need time to answer your own questions. Is this the man you want to be the father of your children?

Relationships and marriage and raising a family is hard work, when both partners are fully committed to the relationship and to each other. Life has a way of throwing in obstacles that make it just plain hard. Why on earth would you want to enter into a permanent situation with someone when you already know he is an addict, and may or may not ever change? All you have control over is yourself and your choices. And who the father of you future children is. Walk away now, while you still can. My father was/is a pain pill addict, and I grew up in a life of hell. Now I have a 26 year old son who is an opiate (oxys/roxys) addict. I've never used or been addicted to anything in my life, yet my entire life has been affected/dominated by addictions. Run.

KuanYin

Writing is obviously very good for you because you identify your feelings very well. You also do a very good job of answering your own questions. As for time - you should take as much time as you want to take.

Impurrfect

(((Amyy))) - I've ONLY had relationships with 3 guys..20+ years with one, but they were all A's (addict/alcohlic). Don't know how I got to feeling I needed to be with men who needed fixing, but that doesn't sound like what you're going through. I turned to drugs to deal with the feelings.

I left my last XABF (ex addict bf), who I dearly loved when I chose recovery and he chose to keep smoking crack. I relapsed once, he made it clear he didn't care if I lost my car, was perfectly content with me hitting the streets again to make money to support US in crack.

After some time, it hit me. I didn't care if he had 5 years in recovery, I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'd always be worried about coming home and everything I owned had been sold/pawned for dope.

I just totally could not trust him. I'm coming up on 5 years in recovery, have regained trust of everyone who knows me, but it took time...going out of my way to be held accountable. I still know...gotta work my recovery or I'm gonna slip back into old behaviors.

Did l like leaving the man I loved because I couldn't trust him? No, it was hard as hell. He died a couple years ago...smoking that crack pipe was more important than going to a dr. to get treatment for pneumonia.

I didn't mean to make all this about me, but I've known many people where addiction is NOT a factor, and they just get to the point where trust is broken, and no matter what the partner says, it's "too little too late" and the relationship ends.

Do what is best for you. Trust your gut (mine has yet to be wrong), and know that we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

amyy

kuanyin and impurrfect: thank you! i was not expecting such immediate response and it's helping me look at the situation more objectively..

in some ways i realize that i'm being manipulated and that even if it's subconscious, he's messing with my emotions but then the next minute i can't help but feeling like i'm exaggerating! and that i'm not giving him a chance. that if i leave now, i quit just when he's starting to do well! i just keep hearing his voice in my head.. saying things like "why didn't you leave earlier then? why did you stay? why now?" and i know he's trying to switch the blame or relieve himself from the responsibility which makes me wonder if he will ever truly understand. or has it just not been enough time?

i guess what i'm trying to say is i constantly second guess my gut.. thinking that i'm exaggerating. that it will be fine. plus i have this image in my head of our future.. and i want to be with HIM. i love him so much. he is such a wonderful person. and he was so determined going through treatment. it helped him so much. i still have hope.. that it will never be a problem.

however, i could give our relationship more time and him a chance to regain my trust but it just gets problematic when i also have to think about my future and my career.. my dreams and aspirations.. what if i make compromises for him and it doesn't work out?

amyy

i have similar feelings. i realize that if i decide to commit to him i also have to accept possible relapse. we talked about that specifically after a meeting that we both went to, talking about consequences. and i made a decision then that if he relapsed again i'd leave. not forever necessarily. but it was just something we had to determine because he would relapse simply knowing that i'd still be there. so i guess until then, i will continue being with him. it's just a big step because i'm not from the US. i have no family in the states so it'd be hard to deal with if we moved in together and it didn't work..

but i also sometimes feel like i almost want him to relapse.. which makes me feel so horrible. but it's like i don't fully believe he has hit rock bottom yet (he is still very dependent on his parents and they baby him like no other)

Impurrfect

(((Amyy)))- if he's shifting responsiblity or denying his responsibility, he is, in no way, in recovery. OR, that's just the kind of person he is. I've know many an A get clean but still turn out to be manipulative, hurtful, or just plain jerks because that's how they are.

FWIW, I don't think you're exaggerating. You're right..you have dreams and a future. Is the way he is now fall into those? He might get better, get into recovery. However, you have no control on that...it's up to him.

I will tell you this...if it weren't for my loved ones distancing themselves from me, allowing me to face consequences of my using? I wouldn't be coming up on 5 years in recovery.

One more thing - trust his actions, not his words. We A's are experts at telling you what you want to hear, meanwhile we are off doing our own thing.

My dad has no clue about addiction (other than he was once addicted to cigarettes), recovery, has no interest in knowing about. Stepmom (I live with them thanks to the consequences of my addiction) is an A, codie, ACOA, and everything.

Regardless of all that, I never mentioned a word about recovery. I simply started changing the old using behaviors. I felt like a teenager again...called if I was going to be late, answered my phone (or called them right back if I couldn't answer) as that was a HUGE trigger for them...I didn't answer for a while, I was up to no good.

Now? I've got their PIN numbers for debit cards, I help my dad out in his business, I take care of the house while stepmom is having a great time with relatives, dad is busy working.

Do you see ANY of my behaviors in him? For an A? Words mean nothing...actions will give you your answers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EnglishGarden

Opiates are extremely hard to stay off--there is an emotional bonding with the drug for the addict that is very powerful--and statistically he is very likely to relapse.

Your instincts are right. I would not trust him.

If he is working a recovery program VIGOROUSLY starting now and lasting THREE YEARS, I would consider co-habiting THEN.

If FIVE YEARS from now he is still doing that, I would consider marriage.

I would not have children with him until he has SEVEN YEARS continuous sobriety through working a vigorous recovery program.

This is the reality of drug addiction: it is very very hard to kick. Addicts usually relapse and some relapse often and some never get clean for more than a year and it is a constant roller coaster of sober time and using.

You are young and you do not have to live with him, marry him, nor have children with him until you have seen YEARS, not months, of continuous and evident sobriety. Addicts lie about using, and opiate addiction is very hard to spot. He could be using for three or four years and you'd never know. But your gut will know. And eventually, it all comes out.

I am not suggesting you leave him.Only that you are absolutely realistic about what it means to commit your life to a drug addict.

If there is a Nar-Anon meeting in your area, that's where you will find reality.

It is likely he will manipulate your feelings and choices. So it will be best to get your own recovery support group so you can stay crystal clear.

There is hope. But there is no hope unless you are dead serious about what drug addiction is and what it can do to your life and to his.

Welcome to SR.

outtolunch

This is sound advice for anyone considering cohabitation, regardless of addiction.

Impurrfect

^^^ I also agree. Even though I'M the RA and struggling to regain my independence, be responsible with money, I know that if I ever get in another relationship? I will not be dependent upon anyone financially if I can help it. I am now, but working on getting out of that situation. It's not a good feeling, after having been on my own for over 20 years

As far as how much recovery I would want before starting a relationship? 6 months is still early, however, I'm aware that an A can relapse at any time...10 years later, 20 years later, etc. I also know there are a lot of people here who married someone with NO addiction tendencies, only to find their spouse was a raging A years down the road.

Relationships don't come with guarantees. They can end up great, they may not. The best we can do is to remember to take care of ourselves no matter what.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

amyy

you are absolutely right. i think i just got very stressed and felt pressured about figuring it all out at once instead of just letting it take time. i think he is sort of "guilt tripping" me into moving with him simply because he is also scared of doing it all on his own. but i know that i need to do what i would want to do if we were not together.. i'd regret it if i didn't follow my dreams.

amyy

i know it's very early to be thinking about this but i do want children in the future and this is probably what scares me the most. i'd choose to make an addict the father of my children... but there is no way to change the past.. so what does that mean?

ODAT63

Amyy,
Bless your heart, it is such a difficult decision, your mind is already being alter by the disease of addition, remember you did not cause it, can not control it and IT HAS NO CURE!
Trust is something you earn, is not just given or say, he has to earn your trust the way that you want him to earn it.
I was married to one and then another alcoholic, with GOD's grace I will never, ever want to go to 25 years of so much pain and suffering, and I put my kids through all that either, one end up being a codependent the other one with social phobia, depresion and emotional detachment.
all in the name of "love". I was not worth it for me or my children.

KelleyF

I dont know if being a mama's boy means that he hasnt hit rock bottom; but you might want to make a run for it anyway. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to retrain those boys? LOL

What you’re going through right now is something that happens all the time in college relationships. At some point; most likely right before you graduate … things start to change and decisions have to be made. His addiction issues complicate things yes, but I’m sensing maybe more is going on here?

You have to define your own life, set your own goals, follow your own dreams. He has to do the same.

Realistically, they have to match up somewhat or I don’t see how it can work.

But the thing is when you are in a serious relationship and you want it to grow; you both have to talk it out and figure out what’s the best way for you both to accomplish this for yourselves - while maintaining a healthy relationship.

Does he have to move 4 hours away, or did he just decide that he wants to, and now he is trying to guilt you into going without considering your needs? What is pulling on you and making you want to stay where you are? What is calling to you? Why do you have doubts about him – is it based on addiction issues, or more about his character?

There is no rule that says your relationship cant survive a separation. If you need more time; take it.

All the advice on being independent – I agree with it. You need to make sure that you have a well-rounded life; time for your goals & dreams, be able to support yourself financially, maintain your own interest, etc. It will make you stronger and it will make your relationship stronger and more fulfilling.

As far as kids go; that is a personal decision and one that must not be taken lightly. I’m not afraid for my BF to be a father of my children. Genetics if they come into play with all addictions are just one component like environment, education, mental health, etc…… My main concern is that I would want him to be stable in their lives, and barring that – I need to know that I could take on full responsibility for them both emotionally and financially. But like I said there is a lot of debate on this topic, and everyone has their own experiences, beliefs, and opinions.

Your right, he can’t change his past; all he can do is work on his future.

Wishing you the best.

amyy

oh you're pretty much spot on with everything. i've been thinking (and expressed) much of what you just wrote but it's like i don't trust my own thoughts anymore! i truly thought i was going nuts? my entire thought process is all jumbled and i feel so freaking confused. i don't know what are my "true" feelings/want/needs anymore.

the reason he's moving is because i wants to go to grad school and he's been taking classes this year (pre reqs) so that he would be able to get in. he's obviously dedicated to that and i'm happy that he's doing something you know. i don't really have a plan. i don't have a job lined up except a paid internship at my current university (it's sort of like a bridge program before grad school) i want to get my MFA in photography.. that's my dream. so this program would be a perfect opportunity to work on my portfolio etc. i didn't think i wanted to get a masters in art.. i mean it's not a very "stable" career but my professors are really pushing for me and encouraging me to continue with that. i've always questioned my talent but they make me think i can actually do this. that being said, i want to go to the best school i can get into. not just settle for something just because it's closer to him. i came to here for academics so i think i'd regret it if i didn't do that for myself.

i don't have doubts about him as a person/his character and his feelings for me but rather i'm just scared of the uncertainty and the fact that he hasn't been sober for very long. i don't wanna take the chance with him and then be let down again. i also have a hard time with my emotions towards him right now since i don't trust him and i can't tell what is the "true" him. sometimes i just "know" that he is unconsciously manipulating me but he usually comes to his senses and says sorry and that he realizes how he was acting.. but like.. how do i know when it's because of the addiction and when it's just how he is? this combine with the fact that i don't trust my own emotions and second guess myself constantly... well it's very confusing.

i can't tell if i'm down-playing or exaggerating his addiction?? i guess i probably do have the answer to that question but still.. how do i stop doubting my own thoughts/feelings?

thanks for reading all! it makes me feel so much better to be able to process this with people who truly understand as opposed to laying all on the shoulders of my roommates.

i'm seeing a counselor on monday and plan on going to an al-anon meeting next week as well. one step at a time!

ODAT63

In trust there is no Doubt, and when in Doubt the answer is always NO.

amyy

also, we texted a little bit today and he seems to understand that i need time and he is being supportive and he's glad i'm working on my own recovery but he also asked me if i couldn't let him be my "support system through this just like [I] was his support system"
i responded that eventually i would but right now i needed some space... i want so badly to be able to work through this with him, together.. but we've tried and rationally i KNOW that i need to work through this on my own for a while (in order to avoid him affecting my thoughts)

is that okay? should i not shut him out like that?