tyabner

I was a reading a lot of the posts for support and have been on this forum for around a year now. I've been moved out of my house, away from my AW for 6 months and just filed the dissolution of marriage paperwork. Reading these posts tonight had me wonder about a few things:

1) How many of you have left your alcoholic spouse and are happy you did so?

2) How many of you have left and wished you hadn't?

3) How many of you have stayed and wished you left?

4) How many of you have stayed and are happy that you did?

These are some of the questions that I've always wondered about. I realize every situation is different but I think the answers to some of these questions would be very helpful by giving some perspective. Just wondering really.

NYCDoglvr

A very tough time, I know. I left a long-term relationship and thank God I did.

As far as being happy, I think it is in direct proportion to hard we work on ourselves. At least for me it's true. It was pure hell leaving but once I did leave, I sure didn't want to wind up in the same situation again. Oh God no! It was alanon and a superb shrink who have worked with me over the years (it's a process that will last as long as I'm breathing). I have a huge gift: peace of mind. I never had that in my life before and now it's my default position. What I learned about myself is that I'd much rather try to fix a disturbed person than deal with my own issues. I learned there's a big difference between love and need. And that an intense involvement doesn't mean it's intimacy. Intimacy with an alcoholic? HA!

I'm also a recovering alcoholic (20 years) who had the worst relationship of my life when I was eight years sober. Two decades of work with both diseases. Boy is it worth it.

LifeRecovery

I have not yet reached the stage that I am glad I left. I am glad however that a changed was forced and that I am not in the situation any longer.

I am coming up on my 12 year of recovery on my eating disorder and my second in Al-anon. I have struggles right now such as inviting people into my life, doing nourishing things for myself, and taking care of myself (getting enough sleep etc).

On the other hand I am in the healthiest spot I have ever been. I see that around the bend there is serenity and peace calling. For a long time I was not even aware that they could be a part of my life. I suspect they would have taken a longer time coming (for me only) if I had stayed.

DMC

I'm glad I left and wish I had done so sooner. Whether I was actually ready to do so before that point is another question altogether.

I filed for divorce 2 years ago today. Ironic eh? We had been separated for 6 months or so, and he'd spent 1/3 of the prior year in rehabs.

Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done - and realizing I couldn't help him was an even harder thing for me. But staying was even more painful, and once I hit that tipping point, it was over and leaving became relief. It took 4+ years of AlAnon and 2 good therapists (I moved) to get to that breaking point, and even more time for the wounds to scab over. Still, I have been far happier since leaving than when we were together.

Time heals. Unfortunately, we can't speed it up through the tough times.
Hugs.

Thumper

I left and I'm happy I did. No doubt about it.

akalacha

I am still with my A. I have learned to make the most of my life. I have friends and interests of my own. I find joy in many things. Most of the time I'm happy. But sometimes it's lonely. I remember the man he used to be and the good times we used to have and it does make me sad.

lillamy

Oh, me, me, me! Pick me! I want to answer!

First of all -- no, I'm not happy, I'm wanting to do unspeakably evil things to my boss right now (why can't you divorce a boss and keep your job? Huh?) -- but otherwise?

I have. And I am happy I did. It has been two really effing heartbreakingly hard, difficult, painful years since I walked out of his house with our children, but these days, I occasionally have anxiety attacks. When we were married, anxiety attacks were my normal state of being.

I won't lie and say I walked out of his house and onto a field of rainbows, ponies, and ice cream -- but in comparison to what I left? Meh, the metaphor isn't THAT far-fetched.

I have never, ever, ever, even for a second, or a fraction of a second, regretted leaving.

The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.

boomerlady

I have not left my AH and often wish I had already left. Am I happy? Yes, most of the time I'm happy, but not because I live with AH. I'm happy because I'm almost 5 years in al-anon and I have a great counselor and from both I've learned to love myself. I'm also happy because I'm learning to tell AH what I want and stick to it whether he likes it or wants to pretend to be in a parallel universe and ignore it. I love reading the stories from those of you that left and wished you'd left sooner. These stories encourage me to get out of my marriage and look for a healthier relationship in the future.

Tuffgirl

I stayed married but moved out. We seem to be making it work for now...staying married and living separately. I think for me, putting the space between us while we both focused on our recoveries was a smart thing to do. Am I happy? Right now, yes. But its a happiness in myself; marriage working or not.

atdawn

I left and am so gald I did. I now cannot understand how I could live with AH for so long, and the stuff I put up with. Leaving was very hard, but two years on, life is really good - two little years and my life now is so far from what it was - so much brighter, calmer, happier .... so yes, I am happy!!

m1k3

The dude opens his eyes from his nap, errr, meditations and speaks.

I've been gone for almost a year know, wow, and I have had the chance to find me again. It's not always sunshine and puppies but I am in a so much better place now. I have even reached the point where I am in the process of filing for divorce. I wouldn't have even been able to think that thought a year ago. I've had a lot of help for al-anon which got me reconnected with Buddhism.

Happiness comes and goes depending so much on what is happening in my life but I am now centered, serene and have peace of mind. What more coul you want?

oh, yeah, I have been ordained in the church of the latter day dude. So to all you nice folks out there, tak'r easy, kick back and abide. Truer words have never been spoken.

Your friend,

MsGrace

My husband relapsed after a 13 yr sobriety, and when I finally discovered the drinking, gave an ultimatum right away: " pursue recovery earnestly and I'll support you completely. Decide not to recover, you cannot live with me. " He did not want to recover and has completely messed up his life...his choice.

I've been through gut wrenching pain these last few months. BUT...our situation could have had no other outcome. There is not one chance in ten million I'll live with an active addict. I was clear about this from day one. I also know how painful it feels to remember the sober, loving, responsible person I thought I married to give way to a narcissistic, petulant bullying two year old. But I'm THRILLED he chose to walk away.

Am I happy??? Oh yes indeed...but I've worked REALLY hard on myself: Al Anon, therapy, and found a great tool...a book called "The Healing Codes"...a wonderful tool to help us unravel our old negative programming. I had a spontaneous burst of pure exuberance yesterday...just thinking about how many things I have to be thankful for, and that soon I'd be divorced...FREE ...to be myself, to create life on my own terms and free of the sickening heartache of alcoholism. Loyal friends, a good business and good health also are high on the list of why I'm happy. But mostly, I was determined to BE happy.

We all have choices. I choose peace, loving supportive relationships, health, and sanity. I just won't make any other choices that don't line up with these things.

sesh

I left over a year ago, and at the beginning it was hard, but the more I worked on myself and my own recovery the happier, or better to say more centred and more content and in peace I was.
I am back with RAH for some 5 months now, as since we have separated he got his act together, started working on his recovery and is sober for some 10 -11 months now.
For the most part I feel happy, there are some bad days too, but overall I am pleased with my life. I have learned the more I stay true to myself and work on my recovery the happier I am. It turns out it has a little to do with RAH. That being said I'd never live with an active A again, and I'd leave imediately without needing to think twice about it.

My point is you can be unhappy both staying and leaving, unless you do the work. But also there is so much more room to work on yourself when not living with an active A. I don't think I personally would ever be able to stay true to my recovery if living with an active A, too much madness, too little space to breath.

Wisconsin

I have not left. Am I happy with that choice? Today, yes. I am still very much in the "just for today" mode. I'm working on myself, looking for a better-paying, permanent job to replace my temp gig, and finding ways to find happiness in my life the way it is, right now.

But I have not totally foreclosed the idea of leaving, either. Right now, my mind is open to all of the possibilities.

nodaybut2day

For me, there was no other choice but leave. I fought the idea of leaving for so long, but once I saw that HP was opening my door and lighting my way, I walked through.

Once the feeling of panic subsided, I realized that it was the best and only choice I could have made for myself. I really was living in hell and had no idea. I'm so relieved that I managed to leave when DD was a baby, and I do sometimes wish I had had the guts to leave sooner, but that wasn't the plan HP had for me.

And yes, I am so happy. It's been 2 years and I've been through a whole bunch of crud since then, but it's been MY crud to go through, not someone else's. I'm so blessed to have found the strength to retake power over my life, and I fight daily to make sure that my serenity isn't poisoned by others or by myself!

m1k3

This is so true. I don't know how many times I am my own worse enemy.

Your friend,

Blondie

I left my AH three years ago and have been divorced for two of them.

We went to marriage counseling for a few months after I left. He expected me to go back to the way things were and he refused to change and said that he didn't have a problem and I just was jealous of his female "friends" (that he would stay out with all night at their house). At the same time we were in marriage counseling he was "seeing" a waitress from the bar. It was a friend of the other woman he had been "seeing". Now he lives with her and she is welcome to him!

Leaving him was the best think that I ever did for a long, long time. 22 years was enough for me, now I am so much more at peace and I feel myself returning to the person I was before the marriage.

I got the divorce because I realized that I was the only one trying to save the marriage. I guess that really isn't a marriage then is it? Sometimes I have a hard time making ends meet (he does pay child support and alimony on time), but I am happier then I have been in years and the kids are much more calmer and relaxed and can be themselves.

Blondie

I am still working on myself and can see myself as I really am. Boy was I a crazy mess! I look back and wonder who the heck was that person I used to be in that marriage!

Blondie

I have gone to three counselors and went to al-anon and then to marriage counseling over the years trying to "fix" the marriage. It took me a long time to "get it". He wasn't going to change and I either had to just put up with the cheating, drinking, lying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, etc, etc, etc, and except him for who he was. Or I could except him for what he is and save my sanity and leave. Either way he wasn't going to change and no force on earth can make him. The only person I can change is me.

I still feel the sadness of being divorced from time to time. I know that it is normal to grieve and it will take time, but I am getting much, much better.

I learned not to rush the process and just to let myself heal before I even consider getting into another relationship. At this time though, I am not interested because I feel that I can breath again and feel the wind in my hair again for the first time in years, if you know what I mean.

Thlayli

I stayed and am happy. AH isn't active at this time and he is working on his impulsiveness and anger. It would be very hard to be with him if he weren't. I've only ever lived with him through this last relapse which lasted about 2 weeks. He nearly lost his job. I'm not entirely sure how much I would put up with if it came right down to it.