Spouse coming home from detox/rehab. What do I do?

Old 03-01-2012, 12:16 PM
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Spouse coming home from detox/rehab. What do I do?

My husband has been an alcoholic for the past 5 years. He hit what I believed was rock bottom and ended up in the hospital 2 years ago. My kids and his brothers were aware at that time that he indeed was an alcoholic. When my husband got out of the hospital he went to his regular physician where we discussed how to detox and with our physicians help he detoxed at home and began going to AA. He stayed sober for 6 months and then began dabbling in drinking. He hated AA. He kept saying I'm not like those losers. He believed he could control it and thought we were all wrong about his problem, he began hiding the fact he was drinking again. He hit yet another rock bottom this week and is now in a detox/rehab facility. It is no longer a secret to family and close friends. It is a relief to me he is in a treatment facility but he will be coming home in about 4 days. As his wife, I need to know what to expect when he comes home. How do I help him? What do I do? How do I show I care what happens to him without enabling him? I have so many questions. I want to do and say what is best for his recovery and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
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Old 03-01-2012, 02:58 PM
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Welcome Chardan....to the SR family...You are in the right place.

There are many people here who understand and sympathise with your situation, believe me its the best place to be right now. People will reply to you in time. I personally dont feel qualified yet to advise correctly as I am new myself to the site and still ploughing through my journey. But there are many people here ahead of you and in time you will receive some fantastic guidance.

keep coming and keep reading and posting
I believe the stickies at the top of this page are invaluable, I am still reading them myself.
Nice to meet you!
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Old 03-01-2012, 03:42 PM
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welcome chardan-

the path of most success and least suffering for all involved (which includes you) appears to be to take absolutely nothing to do with his recovery, lack of recovery, or active addiction.

the path of relief, direction, growth, and ultimately, peace, for yourself appears to be to shift your focus squarely, whole-heartedly, and humbly off of him and back onto yourself and your own recovery from the tragic, destructive and utterly baffling disease called alcoholism

it appears, without a doubt, that those who maintain long-term relationships with active alcoholics develop (or probably always were) something that we call co-dependent.

co-dependent means that we do not respect another's life choice (albe them destructive or not) and we are always meddling in business which is not own own, trying to change things into the direction that we think is best for all involved.

in our own recovery, we learn to keep our own side of the street clean and leave their side of the street alone, even it their side is a littered mess.

we have seen great results in our co-dependent recovery through individual therapy, alanon, writing/reading here, pray, meditation, journaling and generally breaking bad habits and learning new behaviors.

what you can expect from your husband when he returns from detox is he either surrendered or he didn't. either choice he made, the road ahead will be far from smooth.

should he have chosen surrender, he will require most of his energy to focus on his own life or death recovery. he will be moody, preoccupied initially, as he begins to face emotions he previously numbed. should he perservere sincerely, he will be the man you thought he could be and then maybe he will relapse and have to start afresh.

should he have chosen not to surrender, this will be obvious to you as he will still blame you for things on his side of the street. then he will begin to drink again, perhaps hiding it more fervently than before, accompanied by an increase on lying and blame-shifting.

hope that helps.
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Old 03-01-2012, 03:54 PM
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When I was in your position, and I have been several times since 2003, I did a lot of things to "help." Then I realized it's not my job to help her. It's my job to help me and my daughter and not get in her way of helping herself. Whenever I did things for her any reasonable person can and should do for themselves I was getting in her way-- it wasn't helping at all-- in fact it was hurting her.

Going to Alanon is what really helped me become a better husband. I left it to her to become, or not become, a better wife. While sometimes the don't, my wife did and has now been sober for over a year. I no longer fear coming home, and it looks pretty good for now. That said, it is one day at a time. This war never ends.

Please consider Alanon and try at least six meetings. If not for you, for your children, but not for him. He must do this himself.

My two cents.

Cyranoak
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Old 03-01-2012, 05:15 PM
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He hated AA. He kept saying I'm not like those losers. He believed he could control it and thought we were all wrong about his problem, he began hiding the fact he was drinking again.
Ah yes, I'm different. In AA's big book it's called "terminal uniqueness". We think we're better/worse than everyone else (grandiosity). Your husband never accepted that he's an alcoholic, that he's powerless over alcohol. I hope his latest "research" gave him a reality check.
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