Confused and need help
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Confused and need help
I have been dating a man in recovery for about 3 months now... we met when he was aborit 60 days clean...I knew that he wasn't supposed to be dating within the first year but he was persistent and I promised I wouldn't get in the way of his recovery... he was going to IOP 3 times a week and meetings on all the others and any free time he would spend with me but in the past month hes been lying about going places in his free time so he doesn't have to hang out with me and he doesnt want to be intimate, and now he's saying he only wants to see me once or twice a week and he has to focus on his recovery and himself and he wasn't building a network because he was with me all the time and he doesn't text me or talk to me at all he said that he cant talk about his feelings to me because I'm normal and he used to express all his feelings... I feel like hes pushing me away and all I've done is help him and support him when his parents blamed him for his mother being in the hospital and when his roommates made him feel uncomfortable at his sober house he came and stayed with me, when he was sick...and now...I haven't seen him since Monday...Idk what to do or how to feel I'm hurt but angry and confused Idk what I did wrong if I did anything wrong and he doesn't want to talk about it....he says he doesn't want to deal with these kinds of emotions he wants to be happy...Idk
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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You said you didn't want to get in the way of his recovery and, now that's he's asking for space, here's your opportunity to do what you said. If he's on the road to relapse, please don't attempt to get in the way of that, either.
If you remove addiction from the picture, you have a relationship with someone who is pulling away from you. Have you had other relationships where that happened? What did you do, how did you handle it?
If you remove addiction from the picture, you have a relationship with someone who is pulling away from you. Have you had other relationships where that happened? What did you do, how did you handle it?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The old " he's just not that into you" thing may ring true, here.
His recovery is his #1 priority which is why those new to recovery are discoraged from engaging in new relationships.
Conversely, maybe he's not that into recovery and is clearing the decks.
Unfortunately, our investment in other people's wellbeing does not always have the desired return on the investment.
I am sorry you are hurting. Some day, you may not even be able to recall his last name. Take time to heal and learn from this unfortunate experience.
His recovery is his #1 priority which is why those new to recovery are discoraged from engaging in new relationships.
Conversely, maybe he's not that into recovery and is clearing the decks.
Unfortunately, our investment in other people's wellbeing does not always have the desired return on the investment.
I am sorry you are hurting. Some day, you may not even be able to recall his last name. Take time to heal and learn from this unfortunate experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Chino 
You said you didn't want to get in the way of his recovery and, now that's he's asking for space, here's your opportunity to do what you said. If he's on the road to relapse, please don't attempt to get in the way of that, either.
If you remove addiction from the picture, you have a relationship with someone who is pulling away from you. Have you had other relationships where that happened? What did you do, how did you handle it?
If you remove addiction from the picture, you have a relationship with someone who is pulling away from you. Have you had other relationships where that happened? What did you do, how did you handle it?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
"I knew that he wasn't supposed to be dating within the first year but he was persistent and I promised I wouldn't get in the way of his recovery..."
dear confused...there are quite a few limitations and conditions right from the get go. you say you haven't dealt with this sort of limitation before. have you dealt with dating someone in recovery before?
reach out to as many people as you can.
it sounds to me like you are in a limited, conditional beginning of a relationship with someone who is not "supposed" to be in one and who wants a lot of space, and that his needs for space keep increasing
his need for space is either because "he's just not that into you" (legitimate) or he really needs to focus on recovery (legitimate) or because he is "clearing the deck" (sadly "legitimate") whatever the reason the consequence for YOU is the same...
are you getting what you need and deserve?
dear confused...there are quite a few limitations and conditions right from the get go. you say you haven't dealt with this sort of limitation before. have you dealt with dating someone in recovery before?
reach out to as many people as you can.
it sounds to me like you are in a limited, conditional beginning of a relationship with someone who is not "supposed" to be in one and who wants a lot of space, and that his needs for space keep increasing
his need for space is either because "he's just not that into you" (legitimate) or he really needs to focus on recovery (legitimate) or because he is "clearing the deck" (sadly "legitimate") whatever the reason the consequence for YOU is the same...
are you getting what you need and deserve?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
All I can do is share my story and hope it helps. My now husband started pulling away from me (before we were married, only dating) and it was during that time that he was relapsing and of course, I was the last to know. I am not saying that your bf definitely is, but it sure sounds like something is up? Take it from me, DO NOT torture yourself and try to figure out what you did wrong or what you need to do different. It is not about you! It's never about us when dealing with an addict. It feels good to finally get that. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that here I am 8 years later, married with children and he sits in a rehab center 5 hours away for a cocaine addiction that i just found out he NEVER really stopped!! PLEASE, think really, really long and hard before you get in over your head! Addiction is BRUTAL on the codependent. Ask me how I know???
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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This could be a "set the hook" moment. If he asks for space and you persist in hanging around....then he knows you are buckled in for whatever ride he decides to go on.
The reason is always revealed after you give them space.
Give it to him and pray that he uses it for his sobriety and recovery.
Wish him well.
I predict this has nothing to do with you.
Your job is to ask yourself why an addict with 60 days clean would be a good match for you?
Your job is to ask yourself why you set the bar so low for yourself. There might be some things there that you decide to work on and YOU will be the one needing the space.
Just some thoughts. Sending them gently.
The reason is always revealed after you give them space.
Give it to him and pray that he uses it for his sobriety and recovery.
Wish him well.
I predict this has nothing to do with you.
Your job is to ask yourself why an addict with 60 days clean would be a good match for you?
Your job is to ask yourself why you set the bar so low for yourself. There might be some things there that you decide to work on and YOU will be the one needing the space.
Just some thoughts. Sending them gently.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
@Confussed112, I will be running the other way, I hope and pray I will never again get involved with another alcoholic in my life, two have been enough and the damage has cost me so much pain and so many years of my life. However only you know what is best for you, but please go to al-anon and get help for yourself, you can not help or fix the alcoholic.
Best luck!
Best luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you might be a tad prone to rationalizing your desire to stick, despite being pushed away.
Let's take the drugs out of this situation. After 12 short weeks of dating, it's common for one of two people to have stronger feelings for the other person. It's also common for one of the two people to decide they want something else. Wanting something else does not mean there is anything wrong with either one of them.
Let's take the drugs out of this situation. After 12 short weeks of dating, it's common for one of two people to have stronger feelings for the other person. It's also common for one of the two people to decide they want something else. Wanting something else does not mean there is anything wrong with either one of them.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
I remember when I met my now XAH, he told me the sad story about his last two fail marriages and not being able to see his daughter, how lonely he felt etc. etc. I fell right in his trap, that is there tool to see if you are a codependant, I was for sure one....OMG I was soooo screw..
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Listen to Girlie's post. Heed the caution. Give him space. More importantly, give yourself space. It hurts, I know, but consider the pain of a long-term relationship with an addict. I would even tell that to someone who would want to be with my AS.
Take care of yourself. I care.
Take care of yourself. I care.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by confused112
I have been dating a man in recovery for about 3 months now... we met when he was aborit 60 days clean...I knew that he wasn't supposed to be dating within the first year but he was persistent and I promised I wouldn't get in the way of his recovery... he was going to IOP 3 times a week and meetings on all the others and any free time he would spend with me but in the past month hes been lying about going places in his free time so he doesn't have to hang out with me and he doesnt want to be intimate, and now he's saying he only wants to see me once or twice a week and he has to focus on his recovery and himself and he wasn't building a network because he was with me all the time and he doesn't text me or talk to me at all he said that he cant talk about his feelings to me because I'm normal and he used to express all his feelings... I feel like hes pushing me away and all I've done is help him and support him when his parents blamed him for his mother being in the hospital and when his roommates made him feel uncomfortable at his sober house he came and stayed with me, when he was sick...and now...I haven't seen him since Monday...Idk what to do or how to feel I'm hurt but angry and confused Idk what I did wrong if I did anything wrong and he doesn't want to talk about it....he says he doesn't want to deal with these kinds of emotions he wants to be happy...Idk
Imagine that you live in a war zone, a dark place where peril lurks around every corner: snipers on rooftops; mines underfoot. Imagine, next, that you have developed an elaborate system to protect yourself against the danger. Outside, you disguise yourself, hide beneath a bulletproof vest and a metal helmet. Inside you huddle in corners or under beds, keep your ears muffled against the sound of gunfire. You have learned to make yourself safe.
Finally, imagine that one day something changes: you wake up and your vest and helmet have vanished. You are dragged outside, forced out of your protective corners and into the sunlight, without your armor. Imagine how raw you feel, and how fearful. Imagine the feeling of exposure.
Can you picture it? This is what it’s like to give up an addiction.
And that's what your BF is dealing with.
I'm generally not in the habit of telling people what they should do. What I can suggest is think about what is best for you, and that may mean taking a course of action you don't necessarily want to take. Keep in mind doing the right thing doesn't mean it feels good.
I hope both you and he do well.
ZoSo
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