What's my move?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 4
What's my move?
First off, I am obviously new here. I have spent the last few days lurking and reading and I am incredibly greatful for all the information that has been given me. Thank you all.
Second, a little about me and me situation. My husband is in active addiction. Over the past two years I have seen him cycle through sobriety and relapse more times than I can count. He has done in-patient at more than one halfway/sober living house -- left them both without finishing the programs. I have seen him use an array of drugs from pot to pills to crack. He has sincerely cried on my shoulder and told me he wants to kick it all and yet he continues to relapse. He is now on methadone (again) and is abusing pills to an extreme I have not seen from him before.
The last few days he has spent ALL of our money, save $20, and spent the 45 minutes I had with him before he passed out tonight obsessing about when tomorrow I will get my check and how much of that he can get his hands on. He has resorted to telling me he is buying the stuff to sell (to "help us get ahead") yet somehow his big deals keep falling through...
I have seen him pull our new curtains off the wall, put them back in the packaging and return them to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to get money for dope. He lies constantly, even when there is no reason, no benefit to him to lie. I have researched and read enough to know that none of this makes him (or our situation) unique. But tonight, I am truly lost. He is going off the deep end. He KNOWS that I know EVERY TIME he lies to me. He KNOWS that I can tell within 30 seconds of being around him not only IF he is on something but WHAT he is on.
A few minutes ago, before he passed out, I told him he is going off the deep end... that it was BAD this time and he said "I know." So now, here I am, asking for help from you all on what to do next. I won't leave him. He may be broken but he is the love of my life. I waited 36 years for the amazing man he is when he is sober. I believe he can beat this but not on his own, which is what he thinks. He will hit a bottom and throw it all away and make it 6, maybe 8 weeks and the cycle starts over again.
I am looking for advice on how to motivate him. He is not physically abusive to me ever but he is "strong as an ox" (as my grandmother used to say) so there is no overpowring or taking things away from him. Right now he is sleeping with his stash in his underwear so that I can't get to it.
I love him. A few weeks ago I came to the realization that I would rather be with him using than not be with him at all. I can't give up on him or us. And yes, I'm sure the word "co-dependent" is running through all of your minds right now and I won't even attempt to argue with that. God and those who love me know that I certainly am not perfect and have my own issues to deal with. But right now... today... his issues are more important. I believe I am strong enough and smart enough to help him. I am just completely lost as to what the "right" move is to make.
Enlighten me, ye wise ones. Please.
Second, a little about me and me situation. My husband is in active addiction. Over the past two years I have seen him cycle through sobriety and relapse more times than I can count. He has done in-patient at more than one halfway/sober living house -- left them both without finishing the programs. I have seen him use an array of drugs from pot to pills to crack. He has sincerely cried on my shoulder and told me he wants to kick it all and yet he continues to relapse. He is now on methadone (again) and is abusing pills to an extreme I have not seen from him before.
The last few days he has spent ALL of our money, save $20, and spent the 45 minutes I had with him before he passed out tonight obsessing about when tomorrow I will get my check and how much of that he can get his hands on. He has resorted to telling me he is buying the stuff to sell (to "help us get ahead") yet somehow his big deals keep falling through...
I have seen him pull our new curtains off the wall, put them back in the packaging and return them to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to get money for dope. He lies constantly, even when there is no reason, no benefit to him to lie. I have researched and read enough to know that none of this makes him (or our situation) unique. But tonight, I am truly lost. He is going off the deep end. He KNOWS that I know EVERY TIME he lies to me. He KNOWS that I can tell within 30 seconds of being around him not only IF he is on something but WHAT he is on.
A few minutes ago, before he passed out, I told him he is going off the deep end... that it was BAD this time and he said "I know." So now, here I am, asking for help from you all on what to do next. I won't leave him. He may be broken but he is the love of my life. I waited 36 years for the amazing man he is when he is sober. I believe he can beat this but not on his own, which is what he thinks. He will hit a bottom and throw it all away and make it 6, maybe 8 weeks and the cycle starts over again.
I am looking for advice on how to motivate him. He is not physically abusive to me ever but he is "strong as an ox" (as my grandmother used to say) so there is no overpowring or taking things away from him. Right now he is sleeping with his stash in his underwear so that I can't get to it.
I love him. A few weeks ago I came to the realization that I would rather be with him using than not be with him at all. I can't give up on him or us. And yes, I'm sure the word "co-dependent" is running through all of your minds right now and I won't even attempt to argue with that. God and those who love me know that I certainly am not perfect and have my own issues to deal with. But right now... today... his issues are more important. I believe I am strong enough and smart enough to help him. I am just completely lost as to what the "right" move is to make.
Enlighten me, ye wise ones. Please.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((Kim))) I'm so sorry for your pain. There is nothing quite as frustrating as caring for an addict. I do hope you find counseling for yourself. Having been through this for years, there is one thing I know, even though I don't like it at all. There is not enough love on the planet to love an addict to sobriety. It makes no sense to you and me, I'm sure, but if love would do it, my son would have been cleaned up years ago. So please don't think if he doesn't clean up, that it's because of something you did or didn't do.
It sounds like he has no plans for recovery. So you are in a situation of determining if the abuse he gives is worth what it cost you, not only financially, but emotionally, physically, and mentally. It can suck the life right out of you.
Just be careful, keep reading all you can, come back to this forum frequently, and if possible find a support group. I care.
It sounds like he has no plans for recovery. So you are in a situation of determining if the abuse he gives is worth what it cost you, not only financially, but emotionally, physically, and mentally. It can suck the life right out of you.
Just be careful, keep reading all you can, come back to this forum frequently, and if possible find a support group. I care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kim))) - I'm a recovering crack addict, although I abused a lot of things before crack brought me to my bottom. I also have loved ones who are A's (addict/alcoholic).
As far as motivating him? You can't do it. It's not because of any fault or shortcoming, it's just that people who are A's don't get it. I went from being a highly certified RN to walking the streets, jumping into cars with strange men to get money from crack.
Jail didn't stop me. My family begging, pleading, offering rehab didn't stop me. It wasn't until I got sick and tired of dealing with consequences of using (prison was my next stop) that I quit.
I had THREE XABF's (ex addict bf's). I turned to drugs as a way to deal with my inability to change them (most people don't do this, I did).
I can only share my ES&H (experience, strength and hope). It wasn't until the people I loved, and who dearly loved me, allowed me to deal with my consequences, I didn't even think about recovery. I dug a really, really deep hole. I'll have 5 years in recovery in a few days, and I am STILL dealing with consequences.
As long as he has someone who puts up with his using? He has no reason to quit...from my viewpoint, he's got it made!!! I did the same thing for over 25 years...do what you do, I LOVE you, I will always be here for you.
How did that go? XABF#1 is now married to a gf he had on the side when he was with me. I've heard he's made NO changes, so I assume she's walking around on eggshells, just like I did.
XABF#2? Don't have a clue. Never really loved him, but he IS the one who I allowed to 13-step me in AA and introduce me to crack.
XBAF#3? He died a few years ago. Smoking a crack pipe was more important than going to the dr. and he died of pneumonia.
Me? I have my bad days, I cling to SR as a lifeline, but I am extremely grateful to the people who allowed me to hit bottom...to sleep on the streets, do my jail time, deal with the loss of a great career, and find my way back IN to school, trust me with their debit cards (have all the PIN numbers), and know that when I say I'll do something? I do it.
I'm not perfect...far from it. My A stepmom recently drove me to where all I wanted was to be NUMB!! I came here...stayed for hours, and I woke up the next day? Still in recovery.
Recovery is more important to me than anything. If I don't have it? I don't have a life. It's thanks to people here, especially on this forum, that I've gotten to that point.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as motivating him? You can't do it. It's not because of any fault or shortcoming, it's just that people who are A's don't get it. I went from being a highly certified RN to walking the streets, jumping into cars with strange men to get money from crack.
Jail didn't stop me. My family begging, pleading, offering rehab didn't stop me. It wasn't until I got sick and tired of dealing with consequences of using (prison was my next stop) that I quit.
I had THREE XABF's (ex addict bf's). I turned to drugs as a way to deal with my inability to change them (most people don't do this, I did).
I can only share my ES&H (experience, strength and hope). It wasn't until the people I loved, and who dearly loved me, allowed me to deal with my consequences, I didn't even think about recovery. I dug a really, really deep hole. I'll have 5 years in recovery in a few days, and I am STILL dealing with consequences.
As long as he has someone who puts up with his using? He has no reason to quit...from my viewpoint, he's got it made!!! I did the same thing for over 25 years...do what you do, I LOVE you, I will always be here for you.
How did that go? XABF#1 is now married to a gf he had on the side when he was with me. I've heard he's made NO changes, so I assume she's walking around on eggshells, just like I did.
XABF#2? Don't have a clue. Never really loved him, but he IS the one who I allowed to 13-step me in AA and introduce me to crack.
XBAF#3? He died a few years ago. Smoking a crack pipe was more important than going to the dr. and he died of pneumonia.
Me? I have my bad days, I cling to SR as a lifeline, but I am extremely grateful to the people who allowed me to hit bottom...to sleep on the streets, do my jail time, deal with the loss of a great career, and find my way back IN to school, trust me with their debit cards (have all the PIN numbers), and know that when I say I'll do something? I do it.
I'm not perfect...far from it. My A stepmom recently drove me to where all I wanted was to be NUMB!! I came here...stayed for hours, and I woke up the next day? Still in recovery.
Recovery is more important to me than anything. If I don't have it? I don't have a life. It's thanks to people here, especially on this forum, that I've gotten to that point.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
(((((kimslilypad)))))
If we could love our A's back to heath or 'motivate' them to seek help, none of us would be here. We are here for OURSELVES. We are here to learn how to take care of OURSELVES. We have taken care of and enabled our A's for far far too long, preventing them from finding their own bottom.
The solutions we tell you, based on your initial post, you will probably not like. Find some private counseling/therapy with a person who specializes in addictions. Find some Naranon and/or Alanon (there are usually many more of these) meetings in your area and check out at least 6 different meetings before deciding if it is for you or not. Get a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is available on Amazon at a very reasonable cost. Read it with a highlighter in hand.
Start learning how to set YOUR boundaries. Divide the money. Move yours to accounts he cannot touch. Anything of value left in the house LOCK UP. Do NOT give him money.
All of the above are definitely recommended by us and therapists. You are NOT helping him by commiserating with him. You are not helping him by giving him money.
I tell you the above as a sober and clean for 30+ years now and a recovering co dependent for 27+ years now. I work with newcomers all the time. I also have sponsees with from 3 months to 28+ years. Every one of them had TO REACH THEIR OWN BOTTOM. For some of them like me it was they had to lose everything and live the streets, for others, they still had some sort of roof over their head.
I said you probably would not like the answers you are about to get. Take what you think you can use now and leave the rest for later.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
(((((kimslilypad)))))
If we could love our A's back to heath or 'motivate' them to seek help, none of us would be here. We are here for OURSELVES. We are here to learn how to take care of OURSELVES. We have taken care of and enabled our A's for far far too long, preventing them from finding their own bottom.
The solutions we tell you, based on your initial post, you will probably not like. Find some private counseling/therapy with a person who specializes in addictions. Find some Naranon and/or Alanon (there are usually many more of these) meetings in your area and check out at least 6 different meetings before deciding if it is for you or not. Get a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is available on Amazon at a very reasonable cost. Read it with a highlighter in hand.
Start learning how to set YOUR boundaries. Divide the money. Move yours to accounts he cannot touch. Anything of value left in the house LOCK UP. Do NOT give him money.
All of the above are definitely recommended by us and therapists. You are NOT helping him by commiserating with him. You are not helping him by giving him money.
I tell you the above as a sober and clean for 30+ years now and a recovering co dependent for 27+ years now. I work with newcomers all the time. I also have sponsees with from 3 months to 28+ years. Every one of them had TO REACH THEIR OWN BOTTOM. For some of them like me it was they had to lose everything and live the streets, for others, they still had some sort of roof over their head.
I said you probably would not like the answers you are about to get. Take what you think you can use now and leave the rest for later.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
<3 RB u saved my heart <3
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: VA moving back to CA
Posts: 72
hi kim i was thinking maybe you should open an account separate from him and not have a card linked to it so theres no way for him to spend up all your money?it might be a small inconvenience to go pull out money as you need it but thats better than him spending it all. then just have your check direct deposited and refuse to let him have access and insist that he gets help
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
kimslilypad...
you are in the right place and I know tjp didn't mean to kick you. I think sometimes we who have suffered and have done huge amounts of work to try to get to a better place can get a little edgy...I hope you don't take it too personally and I hope you keep reading as much as you can and reaching out.
my reaction to your post is pretty calm, however earlier today I might have reacted differently. maybe I wouldn't have posted my feelings but I would have felt them...
your statement: "I know that I am strong enough and smart enough to help him..." if read at a vulnerable point in time (like I felt earlier today) can read almost like "you" are strong enough and smart enough...where everyone else here has fought really hard to finally, finally, finally accept that there is really nothing we can do.
I just recently walked away from the love in my life, because I realized that his drug use has absolutely nothing to do with how smart, or strong, or even how much I love him...it has everything to do with how smart, strong, and how much he loves himself.
I hope you keep reading. I hope you find yourself strong enough and smart enough to help yourself. being with someone who spends all the resources on drugs doesn't sound like a creative joyful loving life partner to me...but I also can understand that maybe you really have just made your decision that "him on drugs" is better than "no him"...I stood at that turning point and I decided differently, and we all need to decide for ourselves.
if you want to "motivate" him there are such things as successful interventions...google around on intervention practices...but read the fine print, it probably says something about the addict needing to have a pretty major amount of internal motivation rather than your external motivation
peace to you...keep coming back!
you are in the right place and I know tjp didn't mean to kick you. I think sometimes we who have suffered and have done huge amounts of work to try to get to a better place can get a little edgy...I hope you don't take it too personally and I hope you keep reading as much as you can and reaching out.
my reaction to your post is pretty calm, however earlier today I might have reacted differently. maybe I wouldn't have posted my feelings but I would have felt them...
your statement: "I know that I am strong enough and smart enough to help him..." if read at a vulnerable point in time (like I felt earlier today) can read almost like "you" are strong enough and smart enough...where everyone else here has fought really hard to finally, finally, finally accept that there is really nothing we can do.
I just recently walked away from the love in my life, because I realized that his drug use has absolutely nothing to do with how smart, or strong, or even how much I love him...it has everything to do with how smart, strong, and how much he loves himself.
I hope you keep reading. I hope you find yourself strong enough and smart enough to help yourself. being with someone who spends all the resources on drugs doesn't sound like a creative joyful loving life partner to me...but I also can understand that maybe you really have just made your decision that "him on drugs" is better than "no him"...I stood at that turning point and I decided differently, and we all need to decide for ourselves.
if you want to "motivate" him there are such things as successful interventions...google around on intervention practices...but read the fine print, it probably says something about the addict needing to have a pretty major amount of internal motivation rather than your external motivation
peace to you...keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((kim))) - the above posts? I agree about putting money out of his reach. If I had all the money I spent on crack? I would have my own home, paid for in cash, and would not be 50 years old, living back at home with dad/stepmom.
When I was in jail the first time? XABF#2 sold EVERYTHING in my home (or pawned it)...my dead mother's wedding ring, my vacuum cleaner?!?!?!?
Don't kid yourself "he would NEVER do -----". When we're under the influence of drugs, or craving them? We do what it takes to get our fix. Though I never got to that point? I know, without one shadow of a doubt, had I continued using, I would have.
I know...this is a lot to absorb at one time. I lurked here for over 2 years, before I was truly ready for recovery. The addiction part? Not NEARLY as hard as the codependency recovery, and I still slip and slide.
You would THINK, I know the mind of an addict, I know I can't change anyone, they have to find their own way. Not so simple, but I am grateful for the people here who keep me on track.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When I was in jail the first time? XABF#2 sold EVERYTHING in my home (or pawned it)...my dead mother's wedding ring, my vacuum cleaner?!?!?!?
Don't kid yourself "he would NEVER do -----". When we're under the influence of drugs, or craving them? We do what it takes to get our fix. Though I never got to that point? I know, without one shadow of a doubt, had I continued using, I would have.
I know...this is a lot to absorb at one time. I lurked here for over 2 years, before I was truly ready for recovery. The addiction part? Not NEARLY as hard as the codependency recovery, and I still slip and slide.
You would THINK, I know the mind of an addict, I know I can't change anyone, they have to find their own way. Not so simple, but I am grateful for the people here who keep me on track.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your responses. I want to respond to many of the things you all have said but first, quickly, to clarify what I wrote about being strong enough and smart enough. By strong enough I really only meant that I feel I am able to keep my own issues (history of depression and anxiety/panic attacks) under control enough to not lose myself to that. As for "smart enough", maybe that did sound obnoxious and I'm sorry for that. I only meant that I know him well enough not to believe his lies and to try and look for resources and support. I don't profess to be any smarter, tougher, or stronger than any of you. In fact, acceptance of my own ignorance is what brought me here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kim))) - I understand the "tough" and "smart" thing. This is new territory to you. I thought I was smart enough to NOT become an addict Wrong.
I think you are coming here with an open mind, and that's pretty cool. I came here, full of thinking MY situation was different, all these people didn't know what I did.
I got educated, in more ways than one....sigh. You have no need to apologize for anything you said....most of us have said the same things.
You're among friends who get what you're going through
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I think you are coming here with an open mind, and that's pretty cool. I came here, full of thinking MY situation was different, all these people didn't know what I did.
I got educated, in more ways than one....sigh. You have no need to apologize for anything you said....most of us have said the same things.
You're among friends who get what you're going through
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Hi Kim
How did your husband get into inpatient before? Was it something he wanted for himself, was it because of legal issues etc?
How long did he stay before leaving & why did be leave?
Because he wanted to head out to use, didn't like the structure, thought he could do it on his own? How long did he stay clean?
Has he lost his job? Where does get the $
How are you dealing with all this? Just keep in mind that your overall health must be looked after during this battle...
Welcome to SR!
How did your husband get into inpatient before? Was it something he wanted for himself, was it because of legal issues etc?
How long did he stay before leaving & why did be leave?
Because he wanted to head out to use, didn't like the structure, thought he could do it on his own? How long did he stay clean?
Has he lost his job? Where does get the $
How are you dealing with all this? Just keep in mind that your overall health must be looked after during this battle...
Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by KelleyF 
Hi Kim
How did your husband get into inpatient before? Was it something he wanted for himself, was it because of legal issues etc?
How did your husband get into inpatient before? Was it something he wanted for himself, was it because of legal issues etc?
Originally Posted by KelleyF
How long did he stay before leaving & why did be leave?
Because he wanted to head out to use, didn't like the structure, thought he could do it on his own? How long did he stay clean?
Because he wanted to head out to use, didn't like the structure, thought he could do it on his own? How long did he stay clean?
The second program was horrible and he last less than a month there. So horrible that I thought he was lying and just wanting to use again. I heard about it so much that I managed to get into the house (no females are allowed) to see for myself. And he wasn't exagerrating -- the place should be shut down. He went to meetings for a few weeks after he left there and then he just stopped.
Originally Posted by KelleyF
Has he lost his job? Where does get the $
Originally Posted by KelleyF
How are you dealing with all this? Just keep in mind that your overall health must be looked after during this battle...
(I attempted to respond to your PM Kelley but learned it's not allowed until I have reached 5 posts. But thank you for taking the time to write.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
kimslilypad: Welcome to SR, you've found a good place. You are right, it sounds like things have gotten very bad. What are the pills he's taking? I'm guessing oxys/roxys, xanax, k-pins? Is he injecting? Has he been arrested yet? I have an addict son who does all of these things, been arrested, is on methadone, etc. The time frame you describe where your husband is right now is what I call "fast-forwarding" when I see it in my son. It's really frightening for those of us who love them, who are close and see what they are doing/using, and see it escalating to watch this happening and feel so powerless to stop it. But one truth here is, we are powerless to stop them from what they put in their bodies, and evermore so when they are in ff mode.
Kim, I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but for me, prayer has gotten me through a whole lot. For me, prayer worked a whole lot more than one word I ever said to my AS. And when I simply "let go" and stopped trying to tell God (as I see my HP) what I thought He should do about my AS, and instead simply left it up to Him, and prayed for His will to be done with my son, whatever it was, for Him to allow me to have enough sense to know what I'm supposed to do and not do, things amazingly started to fall into place. I'm still grappling with having sense, though. I have to continue to remind myself that I have to have enough sense to allow my addict son to suffer, because until he suffers BECAUSE of the drug, he'll never have reason to give it (them) up. So I have to take giant steps back. And pray some more. And it works.
Kim, I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but for me, prayer has gotten me through a whole lot. For me, prayer worked a whole lot more than one word I ever said to my AS. And when I simply "let go" and stopped trying to tell God (as I see my HP) what I thought He should do about my AS, and instead simply left it up to Him, and prayed for His will to be done with my son, whatever it was, for Him to allow me to have enough sense to know what I'm supposed to do and not do, things amazingly started to fall into place. I'm still grappling with having sense, though. I have to continue to remind myself that I have to have enough sense to allow my addict son to suffer, because until he suffers BECAUSE of the drug, he'll never have reason to give it (them) up. So I have to take giant steps back. And pray some more. And it works.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
he is sucking the life out of you. you do not need to be "strong enough" to deal with the neglectful destructive behavior with a relationship with an active addict, and it seems you are not strong enough in reading your description.
the fact that you are paying for all the necessities, rent, food, gas and bills...while he spends his money on drugs means that you are enabling his use by not letting him suffer consequences of his use. if he spends all of his money on drugs and does not pay rent or buy groceries or gas then unless he is being enabled he would be without food, transportation or a roof over HIS head.
this is not meant as anything harsh against you...
this is just a detached objective response to what I am reading in your post.
obviously all of us want our own roof, groceries and gas.
but you are also providing those for an active addict which is enabling.
the fact that you are paying for all the necessities, rent, food, gas and bills...while he spends his money on drugs means that you are enabling his use by not letting him suffer consequences of his use. if he spends all of his money on drugs and does not pay rent or buy groceries or gas then unless he is being enabled he would be without food, transportation or a roof over HIS head.
this is not meant as anything harsh against you...
this is just a detached objective response to what I am reading in your post.
obviously all of us want our own roof, groceries and gas.
but you are also providing those for an active addict which is enabling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by cynical one
Are there any children involved?
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
You're among friends who get what you're going through
Amy
Amy
Originally Posted by MrsBrown
and just remember tough love is still love.be strong enough to not give up on INSISTING that he gets help
Originally Posted by MrsBrown
hi kim i was thinking maybe you should open an account separate from him and not have a card linked to it so theres no way for him to spend up all your money?it might be a small inconvenience to go pull out money as you need it but thats better than him spending it all. then just have your check direct deposited and refuse to let him have access and insist that he gets help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by lesliej
he is sucking the life out of you. you do not need to be "strong enough" to deal with the neglectful destructive behavior with a relationship with an active addict, and it seems you are not strong enough in reading your description.
the fact that you are paying for all the necessities, rent, food, gas and bills...while he spends his money on drugs means that you are enabling his use by not letting him suffer consequences of his use. if he spends all of his money on drugs and does not pay rent or buy groceries or gas then unless he is being enabled he would be without food, transportation or a roof over HIS head.
this is not meant as anything harsh against you...
this is just a detached objective response to what I am reading in your post.
obviously all of us want our own roof, groceries and gas.
but you are also providing those for an active addict which is enabling.
the fact that you are paying for all the necessities, rent, food, gas and bills...while he spends his money on drugs means that you are enabling his use by not letting him suffer consequences of his use. if he spends all of his money on drugs and does not pay rent or buy groceries or gas then unless he is being enabled he would be without food, transportation or a roof over HIS head.
this is not meant as anything harsh against you...
this is just a detached objective response to what I am reading in your post.
obviously all of us want our own roof, groceries and gas.
but you are also providing those for an active addict which is enabling.
SO scary though. I fear pushing him into even heavier use by putting him in that situation. Or that he will drive off angry and get hurt or his usage will escalate and he will overdose. I guess that's the part where I have to man-up and pray I get the desired result?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Hi Kim,
First I have to tell you I'm much less experienced than a lot of the other members here; but this is a forum and so you should just take what you can use from me or anyone else, and just leave the rest -*
Forums are to share experiences, knowledge, and maybe also just to provide debate, and a good ear to listen when you just can't keep it inside anymore.
I agree with you that he can't stop without getting some professional help. I have also learned through this forum, and through my BF experience that the addict has to be the one to make the decision to stop. That desire has to come from within....
If his brother went through rehab, he might be helpful in reaching out to your husband. Lesliej mentioned an intervention, and maybe that could help motivate him back into a good rehab facility.
I've heard people say that rehab won't work if the person doesn't want it; probably true - but maybe some "seeds" get planted in that persons mind that will lead to more successful attempts in the future.
And once they are in the door; there is hope.
Do you have other family that are supportive - that might could help you in reaching out to him; the cost of treatment, etc?*
How long have you been picking up all the financial responsibilities? *This is really upsetting; because it's just not right for you to be treated that way.
Your married and it is supposed to be a partnership; *I really don't blame you for being infuriated.*
Obviously I understand you have to have a roof over your head, but I can guarantee many others here will come along and advise.....that he does not deserve one to be kept over his head; and that it would be better for him if you kicked him out.*
I won't comment on the financial part; it's your own personal decision. *In the future, it might be one of your boundaries... You won't take on full financial responsibility....but you have to be ready to back it up.
My BF has never stole from me; but I would consider making sure any valuables that you treasure are locked away in safety deposit....like heirloom jewelry, etc.*
I would also make sure you look out for your financial future; by separating as many assets as you are able....just in case the worst happens.*
When I first came to SR, it was because my BF who had prior addiction to cocaine before I met him - relapsed. It was only one night, but he cheated on me with the woman who helped score him the drugs, he came home, did more coke, collapsed from an OD, and that's when I found him. *So I understand your fears; watching his breathing ... An overdose is the most traumatic experience for a loved one to go through. *But anyway, when I came to SR I wasnt thinking about me - just him. How to help him.
But I learned it's most important to take care of yourself. *You deserve to be happy, to have peace in your life, love in return for love. *
It's really easy to think that his problem will just take over for a while....and so your ok giving so much of yourself ....but when the little while turns into a long while.... Then at what point do you stop and say ' my happiness matters too'
Do you know what I mean?
That's also a personal decision, but your health factors do come into play; depression, anxiety...
Is it possible you could continue to take your meds but maybe lock them up, away from him? Even keep then locked up at your office? And take daily what you need?*
It's kinda like when you get on a plane and they tell you in case of emergency... Put your air mask on before helping your children with theirs...because if you don't - you might pass out, then you all perish. *You have to stay strong; so really think about what you need for yourself; what you want in an ideal world; how far you may have drifted off course.*
I'm just now considering checking into some therapy for myself; soon I have my first couples session with my BF and his new psychiatrist. *Kind of intimidating; but if we choose this life, then we must do whatever it takes to keep ourselves strong.
There are also lots of stickys at top of forum that talk about codependency ...
There is hope for your husband, for you, and for your relationship. *But there are no guarantees.
Lots of sad stories here on SR; but I'm sure there are many happy endings also; we tend to reach out to forums and such when we are in need; but not as much when all is going well.
I'll be saying a prayer for you and your husband tonight.*
First I have to tell you I'm much less experienced than a lot of the other members here; but this is a forum and so you should just take what you can use from me or anyone else, and just leave the rest -*
Forums are to share experiences, knowledge, and maybe also just to provide debate, and a good ear to listen when you just can't keep it inside anymore.
I agree with you that he can't stop without getting some professional help. I have also learned through this forum, and through my BF experience that the addict has to be the one to make the decision to stop. That desire has to come from within....
If his brother went through rehab, he might be helpful in reaching out to your husband. Lesliej mentioned an intervention, and maybe that could help motivate him back into a good rehab facility.
I've heard people say that rehab won't work if the person doesn't want it; probably true - but maybe some "seeds" get planted in that persons mind that will lead to more successful attempts in the future.
And once they are in the door; there is hope.
Do you have other family that are supportive - that might could help you in reaching out to him; the cost of treatment, etc?*
How long have you been picking up all the financial responsibilities? *This is really upsetting; because it's just not right for you to be treated that way.
Your married and it is supposed to be a partnership; *I really don't blame you for being infuriated.*
Obviously I understand you have to have a roof over your head, but I can guarantee many others here will come along and advise.....that he does not deserve one to be kept over his head; and that it would be better for him if you kicked him out.*
I won't comment on the financial part; it's your own personal decision. *In the future, it might be one of your boundaries... You won't take on full financial responsibility....but you have to be ready to back it up.
My BF has never stole from me; but I would consider making sure any valuables that you treasure are locked away in safety deposit....like heirloom jewelry, etc.*
I would also make sure you look out for your financial future; by separating as many assets as you are able....just in case the worst happens.*
When I first came to SR, it was because my BF who had prior addiction to cocaine before I met him - relapsed. It was only one night, but he cheated on me with the woman who helped score him the drugs, he came home, did more coke, collapsed from an OD, and that's when I found him. *So I understand your fears; watching his breathing ... An overdose is the most traumatic experience for a loved one to go through. *But anyway, when I came to SR I wasnt thinking about me - just him. How to help him.
But I learned it's most important to take care of yourself. *You deserve to be happy, to have peace in your life, love in return for love. *
It's really easy to think that his problem will just take over for a while....and so your ok giving so much of yourself ....but when the little while turns into a long while.... Then at what point do you stop and say ' my happiness matters too'
Do you know what I mean?
That's also a personal decision, but your health factors do come into play; depression, anxiety...
Is it possible you could continue to take your meds but maybe lock them up, away from him? Even keep then locked up at your office? And take daily what you need?*
It's kinda like when you get on a plane and they tell you in case of emergency... Put your air mask on before helping your children with theirs...because if you don't - you might pass out, then you all perish. *You have to stay strong; so really think about what you need for yourself; what you want in an ideal world; how far you may have drifted off course.*
I'm just now considering checking into some therapy for myself; soon I have my first couples session with my BF and his new psychiatrist. *Kind of intimidating; but if we choose this life, then we must do whatever it takes to keep ourselves strong.
There are also lots of stickys at top of forum that talk about codependency ...
There is hope for your husband, for you, and for your relationship. *But there are no guarantees.
Lots of sad stories here on SR; but I'm sure there are many happy endings also; we tend to reach out to forums and such when we are in need; but not as much when all is going well.
I'll be saying a prayer for you and your husband tonight.*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
My first thought when I read your post was, "He thinks it's safe to use if she's there."
Then reading your latest post brought that thought to my mind again.
The addict I loved I loved so much that I used to tell him I'd want to be with him even if he was in a coma. I loved being in the same room with him. All he'd have to do was sit in a room and if I was there, my heart was spinning.
I'm not with him now. He changed, I think because of relapse but I'm not sure. Our story is unresolved. But I think he is using and I do not contact him.
But I remember how I just loved to look at him. Really. A coma would have been enough.
If, however, he actively was using drugs again, and if I were with him and knew it.... as much as I would have given the man nearly everything I had, I would not have given him the false security of thinking that there would be no consequences with me if he drugged. I would have felt, for me, that staying would be saying yes to what was killing him.
I was never in your place and cannot judge.
I just know that for me, if I love an active addict, I will use that love as leverage against his fatal disease of body and mind. I will walk away, because for me, staying is a form of enabling. It's how I think about addiction. I believe those closest to the addict are the ones with the most influence, the most leverage, and maybe that won't be enough to get an addict clean. But it's a fight for his life and I need to feel I have done everything I could to save him. For me, refusing to enable is the highest form of love. And I think staying in relationship with an active user is enabling.
If you don't leave him, I understand. But staying would not be my choice.
Then reading your latest post brought that thought to my mind again.
The addict I loved I loved so much that I used to tell him I'd want to be with him even if he was in a coma. I loved being in the same room with him. All he'd have to do was sit in a room and if I was there, my heart was spinning.
I'm not with him now. He changed, I think because of relapse but I'm not sure. Our story is unresolved. But I think he is using and I do not contact him.
But I remember how I just loved to look at him. Really. A coma would have been enough.
If, however, he actively was using drugs again, and if I were with him and knew it.... as much as I would have given the man nearly everything I had, I would not have given him the false security of thinking that there would be no consequences with me if he drugged. I would have felt, for me, that staying would be saying yes to what was killing him.
I was never in your place and cannot judge.
I just know that for me, if I love an active addict, I will use that love as leverage against his fatal disease of body and mind. I will walk away, because for me, staying is a form of enabling. It's how I think about addiction. I believe those closest to the addict are the ones with the most influence, the most leverage, and maybe that won't be enough to get an addict clean. But it's a fight for his life and I need to feel I have done everything I could to save him. For me, refusing to enable is the highest form of love. And I think staying in relationship with an active user is enabling.
If you don't leave him, I understand. But staying would not be my choice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Hi Kim,
Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going thru this. But I say this as gently as I can....
you are very sick with all of this right now. Enabling and Codependency will suck the life out of you. And I say this from my own experience.
I hope and pray that you really listen to what others are offering here.
I say this as the mother of a 32 year old daughter who is so deep in meth addiction and has been in some sort of active addiction since age 14.
Believe me when I say......if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY.....I would have done it.
You have to take Love out of the equation as far as the way most of us think Love is.
I hope you stay here...read...listen...post....learn....grow.
And please research intervention....research research research. Interventions should NEVER EVER be attempted without the guidance of an expert Intervention team. They can go horribly wrong very quickly, and very easily.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going thru this. But I say this as gently as I can....
you are very sick with all of this right now. Enabling and Codependency will suck the life out of you. And I say this from my own experience.
I hope and pray that you really listen to what others are offering here.
I say this as the mother of a 32 year old daughter who is so deep in meth addiction and has been in some sort of active addiction since age 14.
Believe me when I say......if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY.....I would have done it.
You have to take Love out of the equation as far as the way most of us think Love is.
I hope you stay here...read...listen...post....learn....grow.
And please research intervention....research research research. Interventions should NEVER EVER be attempted without the guidance of an expert Intervention team. They can go horribly wrong very quickly, and very easily.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((Kim)) Glad you're still here reading. Please don't leave. I'm still learning from these posts, and they give me reason to not second guess myself so much. I was away from the forum a long time and have had major setbacks. We all need the encouragement from reading the stickies at the top and words of support from posts.
Please do find a way to continue your medications. You health is as important as your AH's. You must take care of yourself first. Seek counsel. You are worthy.
Please do find a way to continue your medications. You health is as important as your AH's. You must take care of yourself first. Seek counsel. You are worthy.
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