DesireFreedom

I feel as though I'm in Church telling my sins but only here there are many people with similar problems and experience. Hopefully I can get some help. Sorry if this is a kind of "woe is me" post.

Its time to finally admit that I have major depression/PTSD which causes my alcoholism. I hate taking pills and still need to find the right 'cocktail' so to speak. I wish it were as simple as to only need to stop drinking. Sadly, my depression is worse than my alcoholism and only causing it to grow.

When I hang out with my friends or my fiance, I have no need to drink even if I'm at a bar. Either its because I'm genuinely happy then or it just masks my depression. However, walking home from a night out or class/work I feel alone, empty and feel the urge to FEEL something, evening that feeling is numbness from alcohol. Its especially bad when she travels. I'll sit at home for days at a time getting blackout. Being cloudy and raining all the time in Oregon doesn't help either. Alcohol is also the first thing I turn to when I'm stressed or anxious. That or sleeping pills.

I recently received a DUI and am scheduled to enter a diversion program. I don't have the heart to tell my fiance about it. Today is my second day sober and I realize things are spiraling downhill quicker and quicker. My binges becoming more frequent, longer, missing work/class with made up excuses and suicidal thoughts more frequent when I drink.

I think of what I gave up when moving across the country my fiance, such as a prestigious east coast university and my parents disowning due to her not being white(Asian). She is my rock and I would be nothing without her. I've realized that she is my motivation and can't let my drinking drive her away or destroy her life by such a selfish act like suicide.

I've contacted my primary care for a referral to a psychiatrist who will hopefully get me the right meds and perhaps some weekly counseling. This will be along with my diversion program. I have told her about my desire to stop drinking and this get help for my depression. She fully supports it and is glad of my decision.

Going to 24 hour fitness tonight with her made something click(along with the DUI as well). I sat in the pool nursing my withdrawal nausea and slight shakes thinking "I can't even work out with her at the gym. Instead I have to make up excuses of a stomach flu and sit in the pool instead hating my life".

I finally have resolve and the desire to get help. I just pray that it lasts.

Thanks everyone for reading.

Threshold

Hugs, welcome to recovery!

Purplecatlover

Welcome Desire! I hope you'll find comfort in knowing you're not alone.
The only way to stop the madness is to stop drinking. Alcohol is counterproductive to depression meds. The meds can only work without alcohol.

You may have to struggle at first but it's better than being in the pit of despair you're in.
Alcohol only makes depression worse. I was suicidal at a few points b/c alcohol made me think like that. I've been sober over 6 weeks & I am happier than I've been in YEARS!!
It can be done.
Please don't harm yourself, we care & our rooting for you.
Make a plan to get sober & do it for you !! Love yourself enough to get better.

leo21

Welcome aboard Desire! You will find many friends here and an endless supply of support and information to help lift you up and fight this thing. I'm happy you are putting things in motion. Make a plan of action and take it one step at a time - it probably took a while to get into this mess so it will take some work and time to distance yourself from it. When I first joined I read all the articles and posts here....just as much as I could. Keep pulling out that "want". You really need to want to stop more than you want to drink/use.

Dazee

Welcome to SR. Lots of great support here as you have no doubt already seen. A lot of people self medicate with alcohol but as the others here point out, it's a crappy drug and does not help. Best wishes in finding something that does.

Terminally Unique

You can forget about ever addressing any of that if you keep drinking, DesireFreedom. It will only make it worse.

Sapling

Welcome DesireFreedom...I think it's time to admit you are an alcoholic. Take what measures you need to deal with your depression/PTSD....And take what measures you need to finding a solution to being an alcoholic.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Portland Area Intergroup > Home or search other programs & check out our Secular Forum.

Best wishes,

Fenris

Welcome to SR DesireFreedom. In one form or another, we've all been where you are right now. You're not alone. Keeping reading and posting here. It gets better.

DayTrader

Yanno........ depression IS a major component of alcoholism.....

And bear in mind, I'm separating "alcoholic drinking" from "alcoholism" here.

I wonder if you, like me are drinking alcoholically and suffering from depression BECAUSE you are suffering from untreated alcoholism?

When I had depression "treated" it never really went away. When I hit AA and got treatment for my alcoholISM......the drinking AND the depression went away.


***
....and just to add 1 point, "not drinking" isn't THE treatment for alcoholism.... it's a start....and a necessary PART of recovery.......but it's not recovery in and of itself.

Sapling

I thought untreated alcoholism is stopping drinking...And just that. He's still drinking....And alcohol is what treats alcoholism. If I understand that right.

MrsBrown

Desire I have the same problem I have had depression and anxiety my whole life and I never sought help because I HATE TAKING PILLS. My mother and sister have the same problems and had been asking me for years to tell a doctor and get some medicine.i finally went to the doctor and said listen I drink too much and I cant kick this feeling of depression and i have panic attacks and Im afraid for myself that ill never be happy.She prescribed me 3 different pills(separately it is trial and error but the end result is WORTH ITTTT) of which none helped me BUT!!! I finally started on a new one and i gotta be honest with you they make me feel like a brand new person. I couldnt tell the difference at first but i accidently forgot to take them for almost a week and started going right back to the way I was and I seriously could not believe how much it helped me. I dont know if this helps you make a decision or not but I gotta say when I finally started taking them again I feel like "me, but happier", and i never felt that before. Not ever.

DesireFreedom

UPDATE

A little more than a week sober now. I think its the longest period I've gone without having a least one drink in a day for quite awhile. I had mild/moderate withdrawal symptoms such as nausea/vomiting, heavily increased anxiety, and sweating. The sweating still goes on a bit when I sleep although my brain is clear and fresh during the day!

I've started to take a new round of meds, one for anti-depression and one for anxiety. If anything, they help me, if only psychologically, since they still have to kick in to my system.

I love all of the accomplishments in the these posts about 'what you can do' instead of getting drunk. Its made me take on more projects to keep busy and feel proud of myself.

Thanks again, and I'll continue to update as things progress.

sugarbear1

Have you started to attend any meetings so you can talk directly with others going through the same thing? It's different than typing online!

Congratulations on 1 week!!

Firehazard

Cheers on the new direction. I am in PDX as well and can tell you that there are AA meetings for just about every neighborhood plus some. I would suggest giving that a try. The rainy season there is extremly hard to adjust to as it took me three years to adjust and even then I just accepted being weepy sometimes however the alcohol in addition to that was very dangerous for me. I am lucky to be alive.

Glad you are here

Purplecatlover

Congrats Desire, that is awesome. The first few weeks are the hardest but you're doing great! Just tough it out. I know depression can be brutal, but alcohol sooooo makes it worse.
I too turned to alcohol every depressed, anxious feeling I had. I hated " feeling".
But I've learned that bad feelings can't kill you. But alcohol can.
I'm sober almost 2 months & happier than ever. I can't believe I was contemplating suicide at certain points, but that's what alcohol does. Distorts your perception of everything, paints it all in black.
You can be free from the added pain of alcohol just don't give up. Do whatever it takes to get better & stay sober.