Anger years after the fact
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Anger years after the fact
My husband is in his 3rd year of recovery and I'm proud of him. There were many half hearted attempts before this one, the one that seems to have stuck. He goes to several meetings a week and seems completely committed to his sobriety. All good.
This morning I was kind of crabby and we were talking about his drinking (which is still discussed very frequently) and I, for the first time, asked him how much he drank when we were first together 20 years ago. I guess I always thought he had a few beers at night and I was absolutely floored when he said 12-18, each and every day. I knew he was drinking a lot towards the end, but I had no idea how much he was drinking before and throughout the relationship.
I don't know why, but I felt betrayed all over again; by myself because I should have seen what was going on and known better; by him, because he hid it; and by our friends, not one of whom ever mentioned to be anything about his drinking.
How do you leave the past where it belongs? I feel like by this point I should be past the anger part and be firmly in acceptance but I'm not.
This morning I was kind of crabby and we were talking about his drinking (which is still discussed very frequently) and I, for the first time, asked him how much he drank when we were first together 20 years ago. I guess I always thought he had a few beers at night and I was absolutely floored when he said 12-18, each and every day. I knew he was drinking a lot towards the end, but I had no idea how much he was drinking before and throughout the relationship.
I don't know why, but I felt betrayed all over again; by myself because I should have seen what was going on and known better; by him, because he hid it; and by our friends, not one of whom ever mentioned to be anything about his drinking.
How do you leave the past where it belongs? I feel like by this point I should be past the anger part and be firmly in acceptance but I'm not.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
These are my 6 ways to deal with anger, hope they help
1- writing my feelings then trashing the papers or burning them.
"How could you..." is a frequent opening sentence.
2- throwing old dishes to a wall
3- sports, especially boxing (I miss it! but I was able to get a muay thai training session recently and ohh did it help)
4- strangling a towel imagining it's the person's neck. let go. repeat.
5- yoga, the only real relaxation technique I know of (a couple of simple poses do the trick, does not have to be a major session)
6 - accepting my anger and no longer fighting it. (In general, stop applying any "shoulds" to feelings). Just going "OK. I AM angry."
Then giving it to God/HP. As I have little faith, to be honest, I just think "HP, YOU deal with this, as I can't." It also helps when I get time off from the person or situation triggering the anger. Clears my mind a bit.
I am 3 years out and no contact with EXABF and I STILL get sad/angry/frustrated sometimes (some work triggers, some memories). I pat myself on the back. "OK TC999, of course you feel X and Y and Z, you are just human."
Looking into personal counseling could help you as well, if its a possibility for you.
All the best.
1- writing my feelings then trashing the papers or burning them.
"How could you..." is a frequent opening sentence.
2- throwing old dishes to a wall
3- sports, especially boxing (I miss it! but I was able to get a muay thai training session recently and ohh did it help)
4- strangling a towel imagining it's the person's neck. let go. repeat.
5- yoga, the only real relaxation technique I know of (a couple of simple poses do the trick, does not have to be a major session)
6 - accepting my anger and no longer fighting it. (In general, stop applying any "shoulds" to feelings). Just going "OK. I AM angry."
Then giving it to God/HP. As I have little faith, to be honest, I just think "HP, YOU deal with this, as I can't." It also helps when I get time off from the person or situation triggering the anger. Clears my mind a bit.
I am 3 years out and no contact with EXABF and I STILL get sad/angry/frustrated sometimes (some work triggers, some memories). I pat myself on the back. "OK TC999, of course you feel X and Y and Z, you are just human."
Looking into personal counseling could help you as well, if its a possibility for you.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Takingcharge999 you answered what I have been asking to myself, why do I still hurt? It has been one year since I last talked to my XAH of 16 years and almost two years since he left.
I'm still looking for some closure or ending to the anxiety, fear, loneliness, sadness, rejection etc. Maybe because he left me while he was sober...not sure.
I am in a good relationship with a really nice guy now but still can not stop thinking about my x. Thinking that he is happy and fine and on a new younger relationship while I put the time this "other woman" is having with him what I could not had, it just kills me.
I do 3 meetings a week but it is so hard to let go. This website is a real blessing for me right now.
Thank you!
I'm still looking for some closure or ending to the anxiety, fear, loneliness, sadness, rejection etc. Maybe because he left me while he was sober...not sure.
I am in a good relationship with a really nice guy now but still can not stop thinking about my x. Thinking that he is happy and fine and on a new younger relationship while I put the time this "other woman" is having with him what I could not had, it just kills me.
I do 3 meetings a week but it is so hard to let go. This website is a real blessing for me right now.
Thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by ODAT63 
I'm still looking for some closure
Thank you TakingCharge999. I journal and it helps, but I think physically beating on something might help more. Most of the time I feel fine but every once in a while something like this will set me off and I'm just so MAD!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
Breaking free from Anger and unforgiveness by Linda Mingle, PH.D. This book really helped me to put my anger into a different perspective. I just wanted to gain control of my anger for my sake and for my kids. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am coming up on two years out from my seperation and a year has passed since my divorce.
A new wave of anger came up in the last few weeks. Revenge type anger (I have not experienced this before). I want everything to be miserable to my ex, I want to take a ****** doll and stick pins in it kind of anger.
Counseling has helped immensely. Knowing that it is "normal," and a part of the grief cycle has helped me too. Knowing it is only going to get worse if I try to stuff it or compartmentalize it away, because then it ferments and comes up bigger than before when I allow it to come up.
Finally I am coming to learn if I don't feel it in the moment it will come back later. So time is relative when it comes to my feelings.
A new wave of anger came up in the last few weeks. Revenge type anger (I have not experienced this before). I want everything to be miserable to my ex, I want to take a ****** doll and stick pins in it kind of anger.
Counseling has helped immensely. Knowing that it is "normal," and a part of the grief cycle has helped me too. Knowing it is only going to get worse if I try to stuff it or compartmentalize it away, because then it ferments and comes up bigger than before when I allow it to come up.
Finally I am coming to learn if I don't feel it in the moment it will come back later. So time is relative when it comes to my feelings.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I have said this about my ABF.
He has really done some f***ed up s*** to me. Really, and I know you all know what I am talking about. But I was talking about this with a friend the other day, who also deals with this stuff. Does he really KNOW what he has been doing to me? Probably not-alcohol does that to people. Not to mention he is on all the pills and stuff too, which makes it all worse. He probably really has no idea why I am so angry at him.
Totally, I 100% have a right to be, but it would be unfair to him if I held it all against him. Currently, I do not see a point in not being angry at him, it helps me to remember what he can do to me and how I don't want him to do it anymore. But if there is any hope for my relationship, I am going to have to get over it, accept it, and move on.
Which is what I tell him to do about things I have done to him like kick him out of the house (trust me, he deserved it, big time). I have to practice what I preach.
I think our relationship is so damaged that the only way to start over is to literally START OVER. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be here 10 years from now posting the same stuff because it never ended.
(sorry, I needed to say that, my bad.)
He has really done some f***ed up s*** to me. Really, and I know you all know what I am talking about. But I was talking about this with a friend the other day, who also deals with this stuff. Does he really KNOW what he has been doing to me? Probably not-alcohol does that to people. Not to mention he is on all the pills and stuff too, which makes it all worse. He probably really has no idea why I am so angry at him.
Totally, I 100% have a right to be, but it would be unfair to him if I held it all against him. Currently, I do not see a point in not being angry at him, it helps me to remember what he can do to me and how I don't want him to do it anymore. But if there is any hope for my relationship, I am going to have to get over it, accept it, and move on.
Which is what I tell him to do about things I have done to him like kick him out of the house (trust me, he deserved it, big time). I have to practice what I preach.
I think our relationship is so damaged that the only way to start over is to literally START OVER. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be here 10 years from now posting the same stuff because it never ended.
(sorry, I needed to say that, my bad.)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Hi ichabod
I could be in the same room as you. When I asked RAH 2 years ago when the crisis broke and started to see there was a serious problem here with his drinking, I too thought he was having a few drinks a night. I found out he was drinking 12 ish a day, morn till night for how long? I still dont know, but we have been married 33 yrs and I was stunned. Stunned because as the story unfolded I realised i d been living with someone who was drunk every nite for years and I didnt even know! I d been living with a person who I thought was normal and sober, getting in the car with, having discussions with, wondering why he was useless with bills, planning, ambition etc. and all the time he was drunk and I didnt know it. Therefore I now find it really diff to live with him sober, how mad does that sound, but probably understandable. I feel stupid, walked over and an idiot. But i am learning that, that is taking it personal, he is an alcoholic and thats what they do, but it was still a shock and I am still dealing with that.
So I completeley understand how your feeling. I explained to my RAH that by not telling me I wasnt free to make my choices and he trapped me, thats how I felt. By the time he did tell me (when ready to go to he clinic) I felt compelled to stay, as it was both confessions at once, double whammy, I didnt have time to process it I was reeling. Over the 2 years since I have struggled with this and only wished I d found this site earlier. Because I feel with what I have learned on here over the last month I could of made better decisions. But I was pretty much in the dark. At least im here now and learning every day, Its hard but empowering.
Thank you for your post, I thought that was only my story I really did.
I could be in the same room as you. When I asked RAH 2 years ago when the crisis broke and started to see there was a serious problem here with his drinking, I too thought he was having a few drinks a night. I found out he was drinking 12 ish a day, morn till night for how long? I still dont know, but we have been married 33 yrs and I was stunned. Stunned because as the story unfolded I realised i d been living with someone who was drunk every nite for years and I didnt even know! I d been living with a person who I thought was normal and sober, getting in the car with, having discussions with, wondering why he was useless with bills, planning, ambition etc. and all the time he was drunk and I didnt know it. Therefore I now find it really diff to live with him sober, how mad does that sound, but probably understandable. I feel stupid, walked over and an idiot. But i am learning that, that is taking it personal, he is an alcoholic and thats what they do, but it was still a shock and I am still dealing with that.
So I completeley understand how your feeling. I explained to my RAH that by not telling me I wasnt free to make my choices and he trapped me, thats how I felt. By the time he did tell me (when ready to go to he clinic) I felt compelled to stay, as it was both confessions at once, double whammy, I didnt have time to process it I was reeling. Over the 2 years since I have struggled with this and only wished I d found this site earlier. Because I feel with what I have learned on here over the last month I could of made better decisions. But I was pretty much in the dark. At least im here now and learning every day, Its hard but empowering.
Thank you for your post, I thought that was only my story I really did.
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