Wing

Read that the addict always promise to stop drinking and drugs on Monday and usually just last not longer than 2 weeks. It applied on my exABF, 3 times.

Now, it's my turn. I'm facing this on my recovery. It's 2 weeks after the big drama involving the police. I went through the anger stage... Thought I'm getting better. But since Friday, I'm back into this 'addiction' cycle. I started to miss the person who doesn't exist, the person who had hidden his character defect. I feel like I'm walking 2 steps forward and 1 step backward.

I know that many of u experienced this too? Just some weak moment...
Please help me... Pls give me a harsh punch and remind me to stay away from the sxxt...

I have really bad headache... I wonder if I should take the relaxing pill the psychiatrist gave me

sesh

For me it was 10 days, as that was the cycle RAH was on (drinking moderatly to heavy), so my moods were shifting on that time table, even then he was no longer living with us.
We are creatures of habit, and it is hard to break from it.

IMHO you should get any help you can, to help you feel better.
Personally I was always against AD, but when things got to the worse point in my life, I started taking AD, and was on it for 6 months. It was helpful. When I felt I don't need it any more I stopped.

So IMHO take the pill and chill, you need peace in order to think clearly.

Take care

TakingCharge999

I stayed away from XABF, it has been 3 years now or more.
He keeps drinking.

I have changed for the better and there is much work ahead but now that the fog has cleared I realize I was up to disappointment after disappointment and that I do not deserve to live life like that.

There are many adventures to live, many events in your life to look forward to. Gifts from life are waiting to be received; an end is also a beginning.

Breaking up with an active alcoholic has been the toughest time in my life, be gentle with yourself as you mourn, use all the tools available to get through this. Keep reading and posting here as it helps. You are not alone ((hugs))

Wing

Thanks both,
I keep reading this forum every night. I could only find the comfort and understanding here... Some of my friends said that they didn't understand why I let the past bothering me while other people could let go in a short time. It sounds like I'm so weak. But I know that I'm not, in general.

Thanks for understanding and support

EnglishGarden

I know what you mean, Wing, about friends who don't understand how long it takes to be free of a relationship with an addict. I still have days of hurt and disbelief and confusion about the addict who is no longer in my life.. And I only talk about it with my counselor and a friend in recovery. My other friends do not know how sick I feel inside some days.

In a normal relationship, people break up, but they do understand it and eventually they are maybe even able to talk it through completely with each other and even one day be good friends.

Not so with an addict. First, in defense of his addiction, the addict guts us: he does whatever it takes to destroy our self-esteem. This is how the addict takes us down, so we will be out of the way of his drugging. He cripples us emotionally.

Then on the days he's feeling good and happy, he will pull us back in with affection and maybe apologies. And then some time will pass and we will think we are deeply and truly loved and then, out of the blue, he turns on us again, guts us, leaves us.

Addicts are powerful in their disease, and they know exactly what to say to somebody to destroy that person emotionally. This does not happen in normal relationships which are going through hard times or break-ups. This is the part my friends who have never been emotionally gutted by an addict will never understand.

I always compare it to being poisoned. When people are poisoned, even after they receive medicine and are sent home, sometimes the poison has done some significant damage to their vital organs. And it can take a long time for that damage to completely heal.

I think what is also most profound about being poisoned by an addict, is that he flips personalities and this messes up our minds. Normal people do not flip personalities like the addict does. Normal people are consistent.

Addicts are never consistent. Our minds cannot comprehend what he is doing and saying, and we are thrown completely off-center and we feel crazy. This is the way the addict wants us so he can control us. He wants to control us so he can drug the way he wants to.

This is why it is so important never to isolate ourselves with just the addict. He can break our minds.

TakingCharge999

Wing I get it, its so frustrating, no one ever had any idea of the pain I was going through. The active alcoholic is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It took me weeks to grasp this was the same person capable of doing both great and horrible things, then tears and apologies / then on we go again. Anyone would go crazy. (In fact there was a famous lab test, can't remember the name, where rats were given cheese & small electric shocks randomly. The rats went crazy.)


No other break up has been like the one with the XABF. My other ex's look like angels in comparison!

I feel sad and angry sometimes but the intensity has subsided. I recommend writing letters to your XABF, then burning or trashing them.

Much of my pain was about feeling unacknowledged, minimized (or more like totally ignored).. when I started "giving myself a voice" I felt better... respecting my experience of events, realizing I was coming from my own history (emotionally abusive background, not as extreme as others here but still abuse).. realizing my footsteps are my footsteps and they are as valid as anyone's, was a huge lesson...

Ok I am rambling here but it does get much better, do you journal? are you reading the Melody Beatty books? the one book that helped me then was "the Grief club" about dealing with change. It has a chapter on dealing with the loss of an addict. But the whole book is great. I hope you can get a copy.

More hugs.

fourmaggie

its not only friends and family...its also ME...i do feel i have a hard time SHAKING him from my mind...and its been no contact for 2 years....but i go along my recovery and realize i am a worthy person of a healthy relationship and respect....

Willybluedog

They are addicted to some substance or substances and we are addicted to them, and some people will never get that, they have to pooh-pooh everything.

I am sure many of you are the same way, when I give myself to someone, it is not a 10% or 50% deal, I give myself to that person heart and soul, that person is my air, water, and food. So when it ends, when my heart is broken in a million pieces, it does not matter that they are damaged, they are my everything.

Wing, you can do this, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong, and you are human, you make mistakes, we all do, but you can and will survive, and you will learn and grow.

Give yourself time, acknowledge what you are feeling, when I feel like this I pick out some rockin music, crank up the stereo and sing along, pump up your heart rate, do a little screaming, my favorites for this are Bat Out Of Hell by Meatlof, and Highway to Hell by AC/DC.

We will be here for you,

Big hugs,

Bill

onajourney

wing, i understand how you feel but you deserve to have peace in your life, i have peace left 6 months ago and still have some bad days, never realised it would take so long to feel free, but i feel so much better.
like others have said you are smart beautiful and strong, i took one day at a time, one became two, two three etc and the weeks began to pass.
take care hugs, x

jma7316

The only way I have found to deal with and heal from alcoholic ex-husband is no contact. Divorced in 1997 and he still tries to call. It's been 5 years since last contact. Took me that long to understand that we could not have a conversation that did not end with me screaming at him. It took me that long to realize that he did not want to stop drinking and that I was not taking care of myself when I allowed him access to me.

Take care of yourself. If that means no contact, so be it. If you are trying to be your best, don't let someone who doesn't want to be his or her best pull you down!

Wing

Dear, when he's sober, he did tell me that he felt like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and he just couldn't control himself, he wanted to go crazy for no reason. He knew about it but didn't deal with it? If we are sick... & when we know that we are in "addiction toxic cycle", we try all our best to fix it... but these As don't...

Wing

Yes, I'm like u.
I don't easily fall for someone. But when i fall, i fall really hard. So, this time, it really hurt!
& it also hurt my pride. I can't believe that I chose such a sick person. (I still can't call him an asshool or jxxk, somehow) I take it as my failure. I know I shouldn't think in this way..

*hugss*

Wing

Again, it's very true.. why all stories are the same. It happened on me all the time. I was silly, I was happy that he called... but it always end up screaming.
Communication is hard with them,.. I remember that there are many times, I tried to state it point by point to reasonalize things for him, to explain everything as if I'm explaining the most simple logic to a child. But, still... it failed...

perhaps our problem is that we always view things with a hopeful mind? & that's why we kept getting back into that toxic cycle?

I'll stay tough to break the cycle. My harddest time is the weekend and the nights... glad that u are all here to support.

lots of hugs