fuddle

Hi everyone in this section. I think I posted on the wrong section before (FFOA) but my intro post is on that thread somewhere. It'll explain how I have ended up being here. Sorry I can't post links to it, I'm too new to be allowed to do that.

I just recently read a text from my sister saying she's refused to talk to my mum because she sounded drunk. It was lunch time and mum laughed off her accusation apparently. My sister is adamant her speech was slow and slurred.

That was over two hours ago and just read it as I been out playing with my children. I have rung mum over and over with no reply. Nothing. I text her with a warning that if I didn't hear from her I would have to put my children in the car and come over to check she was ok. Still no reply. My husband has said to me to calm down. She may be sleeping and having a nap and not to take the children any where near her. I agree now I have calmed down a little but I'm left not being able to function properly. I feel so angry, I'm shaky and my patience with the children are very low. We've had a fantastic day out and now I can't cope with the dog bouncing about and the children running aroud like children do, mixed with having to get our lunch prepared and cooked, housework and washing and ironing for school and DH's work tomorrow. I ust can't get my head to be able to concentrate or get rid of this anger I have towards her. I want to shout at her so bad. I want to give her a shake and scream at her to wake up and get help.

She is an alcoholic, I know she is... a functioning one anyway. No one would ever know she drunk through the day. her drinking through the day is norm for her now, there's no shame, no hiding it and always a reason to for it to justify her actions. I have seen her need a drink first thing of a morning after a heavy session the night before... there is no reason for me to not believe she hasn't needed a drink this morning (she always admits to drinking heavily on a Saturday night - it's her treat) and just not stopped.

I know there's nothing I can do about it. I know shouting at her won't help the situation any, will only get worse because she can get nasty towards me and that hurts deeply. Been there done that.

I just wish I could bury it in my head so I can continue my Sunday being nice friendly mum instead of feeling so wound up and angry that I snap at everyone and feel so out of control because I can't get my mummy jobs done.

Keyn

Hiya fuddle, and welcome.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with your mom's irresponsible behavior while trying to run a household, I know that it can feel impossible. I would remove myself from the home, or have the hubby take the kids out for awhile. You can't confront mom if she won't answer, so you need to 'press pause.' Removing yourself from a stressful environment can help tremendously. What I do is run through a mental checklist of what I can and can't do about a situation and that reminds me that I can let go of the frustration of things I can't change and allows me to relegate my emotional response to where it belongs, on mom- not the kids. After a time 'pressing pause' becomes easier and for me has finally become a natural response.

I'm probably not the best first responder, but keep posting, the folks here are very supportive and have some great wisdom to share! Good luck to you!

Willybluedog

Hi fuddle, I have been where you are so many times, I got to the point when my mom was in the ICU for the 2nd time in 18 months with drinking related heart damage that I lost all compassion for her.

I was angry at mom, but I was taking it out on my wife and kids. I have finally learned to detach from my mom and deal with the rage that I have felt towards her for many years, I just turned 50 and she has been drinking 3-6 botlles of wine a day for most of my life.

Finally realizing that my moms drinking is my moms problem, I cannot change her, I cannot fix her, and nothing I do will make any difference, so I let go of it.

This is an incredibly hard thing to do, so I don't want you to think I am say it like it equals throwing out some bad food.

It is a slog, I had always been the responsible child, the fixer, the go to guy, so I had to get back into therapy to make it happen.

But for your own sake and that of your spouse and children, you have to let your moms problems be hers and hers alone.

Please think about counseling and/or al-anon, both will help you work on your own recovery.

The "stickies" at the top of the page have a ton of good information, also in some of the most recent posts I have listed some books my therapist has asked me to read.

I hope everything works out for you, please come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Best of luck,

Bill

Kialua

Welcome. I agree with Bill and keyn.

This is not fun to go through but the only way to deal with it is detachment (at least emotionally if not physically) or you will drive yourself crazy and ruin your kids and husbands life, constantly fretting about her. I know that sounds harsh and maybe you can't even do it yet but what else can you do? Nothing else helps, all the worrying, calling, checking, helping. Nothing works. It's her problem and only she can change it. Until she wants to anything you do is nil. When you do detach you have to give her up to God and let happen what happens.

You have your own family to worry about now and they need your guidance to grow. Your Mom is already grown.

I'm not saying that you have to hate her, you can still care about her and pray for her and drop in on her. But your first duty is to your family now. Al anon can really help with changing your emotions with that. Good luck. We are here if you need us.

fuddle

Hi guys, thank you for your responses. She called me about an hour after I posted the above. She was still slurred in her speech but assured me she hadn't had anything to drink but might go get a bottle tonight. She's thinks a bottle at night is absolutely fine and normal behaviour. She doesn't hide that fact.

I told her of my feelings and how It was effecting me but all she could say was she was fine, nothing to worry about. She scoffed at the idea she was an alcoholic because she was always aware of everything. She does her job, knows the time of day, remembers birthdays etc. I dare suggested she was a functioning alcoholic and the spite was turned towards me, mocking me as I am completing a psychology degree. 'oh here come the amateur psychologist again'. That mocking makes me so angry!

She said her drinking was no different to me seeing chocolate and needing to eat that. I said that wasn't a fair assumption 'oh I think it is' I could hear her getting uppity and began to pull back as I just didn't want her to get to my emotions any more I didn't need to get the upper hand in an argument but I did say 'no, a fair assumption would be I have one glass of wine and can leave the bottle, you have one glass of wine and need to finish the bottle'. She wen quiet at that. I began to end the conversation, as nicely as I could manage but I felt deflated and just couldn't be bothered any more.

I know I can't change her behaviour and I know I can't get her to change her behaviour, I even know that it's her problem, not mine but I need to switch off from the 'poison' feeling that infiltrates me and effects my own family.

I've sourced some al-anon groups. I am going to suggest that me and my sister go to one of them, one of them is on an evening not too far away.

I'm scared that this is an evil road I'm about to go down and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it effect my own life within my close little family.

I like the pause idea. I will look into how I can develop that idea into an automatic coping schema. Thank you everyone.

tromboneliness

The thing is, you are right, but it doesn't matter. The fact that you are right about her alcoholism will not have any effect on her. The stuff she's telling you is 100% typical of what they'll say -- they always claim it's normal, there's nothing to worry about, they know what they're doing, it's no worse than your chocolate habit, mind your own business, blah-blah.

The other important thing is that you are not responsible for her welfare. If you call and she doesn't answer, you do not have to pile the kids into the car and go over there to investigate what's happening. Your mother is a grown-up and is big enough to do what she wants. If she wants to get plowed, that is her right. And in any case, right or no right, she's going to do it. You can focus on what you do: whether that's reducing the amount of contact you have, not answering the phone, refusing to go see her when she's drunk (or turning around immediately if you go to visit and she's obviously in the bag, etc.), and so on.

Whenever I'm really wound up, agitated, and at my wits' end, if I stop and think about it, it usually boils down to this: I am obsessing about things that are out of my control. It's like being a rat in one of those psychological tests, where it gets an electric shock every so often and never knows when the next one is coming. It's going to get another shock, but it has no idea when -- and that drives it nuts. That's what alcoholics do to us... until we put on rubber-soled shoes and don't feel the shock anymore!

T