Tired of working it out
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Tired of working it out
My RAH is 4 weeks into recovery, 3rd time in 2 years. Going to AA but not really embracing the 12 steps, is a pracitising buddist, so doing all the right things. Im starting my early recovery, joined SR but not Al Anon yet. Starting to emmo detach(I thought) spend a few nights a week at my sisters, to find peace, so its a start.
So
We have another row today just like all the old ones, we ve learned nothing have we. Im trying to explain after what im learning about addictive relationships and how we both want our own way in an argument and that just because hes sober, everything isnt going to all right and dandy now. That i ve realised theres more to this problem than just alcohol. Everything im learning I released actually, probably wrong. But needed to express where im at, probably angry now hes sober, Im at my realisation arent I? and I realise he believes once he stopped drinking everhing would be fine. Obviously not. I dont feel he want to do the 12 steps.
Sorry for wittering on but yesterday felt good about what I d processed, today I feel its all gone down the drain and guess what Im still here, Oh my when will I make my mind up. Sorry it sounds confusing thank you for reading.
So
We have another row today just like all the old ones, we ve learned nothing have we. Im trying to explain after what im learning about addictive relationships and how we both want our own way in an argument and that just because hes sober, everything isnt going to all right and dandy now. That i ve realised theres more to this problem than just alcohol. Everything im learning I released actually, probably wrong. But needed to express where im at, probably angry now hes sober, Im at my realisation arent I? and I realise he believes once he stopped drinking everhing would be fine. Obviously not. I dont feel he want to do the 12 steps.
Sorry for wittering on but yesterday felt good about what I d processed, today I feel its all gone down the drain and guess what Im still here, Oh my when will I make my mind up. Sorry it sounds confusing thank you for reading.
Last edited by Noodler; 02-25-2012 at 10:19 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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you don't have to make your mind up today. it's a process. i had to keep reading, keep learning, keep making the same mistakes before one day the blinders fell off. for myself, that required some clear space, away from him.
regarding having the same row with him, it might be good opportunity to figure out what your personal boundary is.
for example:
if he speaks disrespectfully to me, i will cease the conversation and return to my sisters.
if he begins to become argumentative on the phone, i say "i'm not arguing anymore. i'm away" and hang up.
i discovered that i could explain this until i was blue in the face, but the only thing mine ever understood was when i removed myself from the conversation.
regarding having the same row with him, it might be good opportunity to figure out what your personal boundary is.
for example:
if he speaks disrespectfully to me, i will cease the conversation and return to my sisters.
if he begins to become argumentative on the phone, i say "i'm not arguing anymore. i'm away" and hang up.
i discovered that i could explain this until i was blue in the face, but the only thing mine ever understood was when i removed myself from the conversation.
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Location: England U.K.
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Thanks Naive,
No disrespectfulness, just martyrdom, "what have I done" attitude. If I come up with anything he might consider profound, he called it strange. He feels he has no additive behaviour problems atall, its all me. And doesnt feel he could be manipulative or controlling (even in a quiet form) and therefore doesnt need any help on that. But I did do something right, before I got to the Oh god despair stage I walked out went shopping, when I came back he was still sat there so I walked again tomy sisters, when I came back hed gone to work. So im now getting ready, going for a meal with my family and may sleep out. And yes Naive, a day at a time. Because when I dont think that I get stressed and feel it all has to be sorted now because its gone on tooooooo long. Thank you
No disrespectfulness, just martyrdom, "what have I done" attitude. If I come up with anything he might consider profound, he called it strange. He feels he has no additive behaviour problems atall, its all me. And doesnt feel he could be manipulative or controlling (even in a quiet form) and therefore doesnt need any help on that. But I did do something right, before I got to the Oh god despair stage I walked out went shopping, when I came back he was still sat there so I walked again tomy sisters, when I came back hed gone to work. So im now getting ready, going for a meal with my family and may sleep out. And yes Naive, a day at a time. Because when I dont think that I get stressed and feel it all has to be sorted now because its gone on tooooooo long. Thank you
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4 weeks is very early in recovery, and IMHO it is not realistic for you to expect any huge changes in your relationship (him understanding what you're trying to say, I bet all he still hears is noise).
In my experience you can not explain about recovery to him, he has to learn it himself, the same way you're larning about yours.
Few years ago I read on these boards that it is advisable for partners not to live together during the first year of recovery, at the time that sounded like the strangest thing to me, but now it sounds like a very smart advice.
Your RAH has to do his own recovery at his own time table, he has a lot to deal with, and you can not help him with that. You can not do it together. He has to own it completely in order to be succesful at it.
This is not to say I don't understand how you feel, I do, as I've been there, but I just wanted to share what I have learned in my own experience.
The best advice I can offer is concentrate on your own recovery and let him deal with his. When the time is right you'll find the way to comunicate it better.
In my experience you can not explain about recovery to him, he has to learn it himself, the same way you're larning about yours.
Few years ago I read on these boards that it is advisable for partners not to live together during the first year of recovery, at the time that sounded like the strangest thing to me, but now it sounds like a very smart advice.
Your RAH has to do his own recovery at his own time table, he has a lot to deal with, and you can not help him with that. You can not do it together. He has to own it completely in order to be succesful at it.
This is not to say I don't understand how you feel, I do, as I've been there, but I just wanted to share what I have learned in my own experience.
The best advice I can offer is concentrate on your own recovery and let him deal with his. When the time is right you'll find the way to comunicate it better.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Thank you sesh for that.
That is something ive been hearing lately about having a year apart during RAH recovery and something i tried to discuss with RAH last year when he relapsed (well actually he hadnt really stopped) and it didnt happen. I do feel now that im not helping him by staying as I ve become angry and tired and now know I ve got some work to do on myself and start to let go of it all. Up until 2 years ago I didnt know he was an alcoholic, but it turned out he was a secret drinker had been doing this for years, drinking in a morning etc. It has all been a shock and only just coming to terms with it. I hear what your saying about just hearing the noise and now I feel some compassion for him. Maybe your right and the time is right to grant us both some peace and healing. I do have somewhere near to go(my 20 yr old son lives at home and I d like to be near for him) locally which is my sisters, so it wont be a hardship, im very lucky, so maybe I could do this for both of us. Thank you for your thoughts.
That is something ive been hearing lately about having a year apart during RAH recovery and something i tried to discuss with RAH last year when he relapsed (well actually he hadnt really stopped) and it didnt happen. I do feel now that im not helping him by staying as I ve become angry and tired and now know I ve got some work to do on myself and start to let go of it all. Up until 2 years ago I didnt know he was an alcoholic, but it turned out he was a secret drinker had been doing this for years, drinking in a morning etc. It has all been a shock and only just coming to terms with it. I hear what your saying about just hearing the noise and now I feel some compassion for him. Maybe your right and the time is right to grant us both some peace and healing. I do have somewhere near to go(my 20 yr old son lives at home and I d like to be near for him) locally which is my sisters, so it wont be a hardship, im very lucky, so maybe I could do this for both of us. Thank you for your thoughts.
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