DJD88

I'm sure most (if not all) of you will not remember me. This place is very surreal to me.

So, this is where I am at...now. I am (and have admitted to be long ago) an alcoholic, and I am still a functioning one...overtly. My private life remains in disarray.

Deep down, I REALLY want to quit, or at least appease myself into drinking "like a normal person". I have a great job...one that requires me to be on call 24 hours a day...5 days a week at present. It has been 24/7 in the past. Having said that, I have been lucky to this point. I have not had to leave in the middle of the night while intoxicated. I'm gambling here, and it is most definitely going to catch up with me.

I moved to a smallish town in the southern United States for this job. The majority here is devoutly Christian...which I am not. I am reluctant to join AA as I fear this will be detrimental to my employment...for obvious reasons in addition to religious reasons.

If I may digress...again...I am terrified about quitting alcohol. The last few times I chose not to drink for a given day turned out to be horrible in regard to my sleep patterns. Terrible nightmares resulted. I would literally wake up several times during the night in a fetal position profusely sweating with my heart racing...if I could fall asleep at all.

In addition to this, I have had several coworkers ask me recently, "Why are your hands shaking?". I never notice this when it happens, and I have a hard time coming up with an answer.

I guess my questions are...

1) Should I just take my chances in regard to "coming out of the closet" as an agnostic alcoholic in a town that will most certainly frown on me?

2) Will my "alcoholic shakes" subside if I find a way to quit alcohol...or find a way to drink like a "normal person"?



Edited To Add: I am 33 years old, by the way.

Edit #2: I have contemplated seeking medical help (again) for assistance sleeping, but I fear the MD will assume drug seeking behavior on my end. I am not a drug user (sans the alcohol), but pharmacological help would be invaluable, in my opinion.

Dee74

Welcome back DJD88

I'm not sure it really matters what other people think...if you ant to stop, you ant to stop - other people really didn't come into it for me by the end, I was that desperate.

& there's certainly no need for you to go around with a huge Red A on your chest anyway....unless you want to.

If you're interested in secular recovery - many of which offer online meetings and support - I'd encourage you to check out our Secular Connections forum.

I'd also encourage you to seek some professional medical supervision.

I'm not sure why you'd think you might be suspected of Dr shopping unless you've done that in the past?

Finally, the shaking - in my experience, unless you've done some irreparable damage, the shakes should subside - but only if you stop drinking completely.

D

instant

The first week is not easy, and the physical effects are very real. It is an addiction and teh idea of the DT's scares me. Getting a Dr's advice is good idea, someone on your side might help.

Sapling

I'm sure you are reluctant to go to AA...A lot of people are. For whatever excuses...But these two excuses don't cut it.....It seems pretty clear to me that continued use of alcohol is dertimental to your job...And AA isn't a religeous program....It's a spritual program that many agnostics as well as athiests have used to recover from alcoholism. You use the word fear...It's a fear of something...Look a little deeper.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, welcome back DJD. You've received some good advice already.

Yes, I had the shaking hands as well toward the end. That's when I knew I was in deep—a withdrawal symptom, proving conclusively I was not just psychologically addicted, but physically. I tried moderating for years. Gave up that fantasy. I'm guessing if you could do it, you would have by now. Seems like people who can moderate, do moderate, without much of an effort or repeated failed attempts. And alcoholism is, of course, progressive.

Quitting was not easy. I had some really rough nights, just like you described. But I reminded myself that the longer I waited, the deeper I sank, the harder it would be to get out. Some people never do. Now I sleep like a baby. It's not easy to quit, but it is so worth it.

artsoul

Hi DJD -

I know it's really scary to think about giving up alcohol - I was the same way. No one would have even known I had a problem. I was able to get through the day and do what I needed to do.

The internal stuff was another matter, though...... all the time and energy just thinking about alcohol, the anxiety and depression in the morning, feeling jumpy and overwhelmed.... I really didn't know how bad I felt until I started feeling good.....

Like ReadyandAble said: "It's worth it." I hope you take that leap of faith and get sober, too......

langkah

The shakes are due to the nerve damage you've done to yourself through drinking, and they subside after a few months without any alcohol, mine took about 9 months to heal. It's a drag when you can't set a coffee cup down in company without ringing the saucer like a bell, isn't it?

You can med up to the point where you can bear reality without a drink, but doing that carries a cost.

No, you won't be able to moderate your drinking for long.

Your world will grow steadily smaller as you go on drinking, and the episodes where others sense your sickness will increase despite your caution about letting it show.

Another 2-10 years the decline turns more physical than mental and emotional as your guts fail.

But as long as you have no other solution, you have no choice than to drink. It's what alcoholism is all about, and it won't ever leave you.

Sorry you don't care for the solutions available to you, that's really too bad.

Good luck on your journey.

Zencat

Hi DJD88

Being recovered from alcohol problems is for anyone that chooses such. AA in one way to do so, there are other solutions available as well. Actively participating here at SR is one great way to get and stay sober.

Other ways to treat alcohol problems can be just as effective as AA. For me its not so much as what program to work, but how determined am I to quit destroying my health along with anything that's important to me.

Have a look at the links below. There may be something the best suits your personal outlook on all things.

SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Recovery Tools Recovery Resources from cbtrecovery.com
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)

desertsong

I live in a small town as well, and was concerned about walking into the AA rooms and seeing people I recognized. Silly, really, because they were there for the same reason I was so that wasn't a valid excuse not to go. I was embraced, welcomed, and supported from that very first meeting two months ago to the present. AA has been doing me a world of good - I have a fantastic sponsor, new friends, and the daily accountability that I really needed. There are certainly plenty of folks there who believe in God but there are also a fair share of agnostics and atheists. They are still working the program and doing well without the "God" part of it. It's been said here before that AA is more "spiritual" than religious. You can make it what you want it to be.

I also had the shakes very, very bad toward the end, and was developing the beginnings of some nerve damage as well ... numbness and tingling in my fingers, arms and legs. Dull pain around my liver. Heart palpitations, sweats, all that fun stuff. Within a couple of weeks of sobriety, all of that went away, thank God. I shudder to think how much worse it would have gotten if I hadn't stopped.

If you are an alcoholic (and you're the only one who can answer that question), you will not be able to drink like a "normal" person. Ever. And if you truly are an alcoholic and continue to drink, you won't be "functional" much longer. It will get worse and while you think you might be doing a good job of hiding it now, it will eventually become very noticeable to others. It might be already (we alkies always think we're doing such a good job of acting "normal" ...). Small town, agnostic, whatever, it comes down to whether or not you want to continue down what will turn out to be a dark, ugly road or if you want to get sober and stay that way. I hope you will make the best choice for yourself. We're here if you need us.

Sapling

I was at a meeting this morning...And a guy shared that an agnostic was just someone to lazy to become an athiest...And he was an agnostic. You see all kinds in the rooms.

2granddaughters

Just a couple of things to consider:

Don't put what people will think ahead of your sobriety.
Don't put your job ahead of your sobriety.
Just because you are not Christian doesn't mean you are an agnostic. I'm not a Christian.
You sleep will be interrupted in the beginning, you will get through it.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Bob R.

Zebra1275

Will my "alcoholic shakes" subside if I find a way to quit alcohol...or find a way to drink like a "normal person"?

Yes, you shakes will subside (provided you survive your detox), in my experience the shakes lasted for about 36 hours after my last drink.

No, you can't drink like a normal person, give up that fantasy.

FlyerFan

I agree with sapling, your brain is telling you that you're "still functional" but how much longer is that going to last?

I also agree with him that AA won't and shouldn't interrupt your job at all. Nobody has to know about it at all except you! Find a time and place that works around your schedule and give it a try. It doesn't matter if you're agnostic or not, just go to meet people!

DJD88

I appreciate all of your responses...even those who said things I don't want to hear...but probably need to hear.

I plan to be as transparent as possible and come back here more often this time...including the times when I may fail. I need to learn to accept the fact that I am a flawed human being.

I spend 90% of my personal time quite literally sitting in the dark...alone...drinking. Believe it or not, I used to enjoy it. It was my "reward" for a day of hard work. Now, it just feels pathetic and embarrassing. I left everyone I know and love a little over a year ago to move here for this job, and I have yet to even unpack my boxes. My house looks exactly the same as the actual day I moved in.

...and, if I may add to my fear of AA. Every single location in which AA folks meet down here is a church, and word gets around in small towns very quickly. I guess I picture the first meeting I attend being more about Christianity and prayer than anything else, and that makes me very uncomfortable. I was a Christian for the majority of my life, by the way, so I have many preconceived notions.

I would rather my coworkers and superiors know that I was an alcoholic who is getting help than a nonbeliever. I mean, I would rather them not know either, but I'm not sure how possible that is. Maybe, this is irrational, but I know of only one other person here who is not a Christian...my immediate boss. I get asked ALL THE TIME, "What church do you go to?"...or "Would you like to visit so-and-so church with me?" I just change the subject.

Anyway...I know this forum is not about religion. I am just trying to explain where I am coming from.

This is what I do know....

1) I am an alcoholic, and I am destoying my body.

2) I cannot quit alcohol without help.

3) If I go to an AA meeting, it will be at a Christian church.

I guess I just need to man up, deal with it, and quit making excuses. I used to be sooooo not an excuse type person. Seriously.

Dee74

If you have problems with AA that you feel are intractable or even insoluble, there's a lot of other recovery options, and groups, open to you.

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

Theres a 'secular web post' 'stickie' at the top of the forum with lots of links to follow up

D

Sapling

I go to one in a homeless shelter....And I'm sitting at home right now,

Sapling

This is what I'd recommend...Stop drinking...Try out one meeting...I think you'll be surprised by the variety of people there...See if you can get a Biig Book there....Clean up your place...Empty those boxes..Get some light in that room...I used to hole up in my room and drink in the dark...That's about as low as you can get...Start feeling better about yourself...Don't drink..Read the Big Book...Go to another meeting and be positive that this will work...Because it does...You just need to take some action...If you want to change your life...Start living...The way you should be living....It's going to take some action.....If you don't like it...Try something else...Just try something. Cause this little problem...Gets worse...by the day. I wish you the best.

FlyerFan

Churches are used very often for AA meetings because they're readily available, convenient, and I'm assuming the rent is cheaper than it would be in other places. They don't talk about any religion at AA meetings. Also, even if you see someone you know, they are there for the same reason you are and part of the promise of the program is anonymity, which means they won't say anything if you won't.

You don't have to worry about them talking about Christianity or any other religion. But they will mention "God" and "spirituality" but there is more to these words then you might think. The "god" they mention is one entirely of your understanding, meaning you create your own god that you and you alone can believe it. It doesn't have to be a christian thing.

DJD88

Thanks, Dee. I will check that forum out as well.

Sapling, hilarious. I laughed out loud. Touche.

Philly Fan...I feel that I can bring myself to attend these meetings, and if my fears come true and the "kumbaya's" ensue, then I can make an executive decision at that point. I admit that the rhyming was uncalled for, and I apologize. It was not intended.

My strategy today was to take a baby step...that is, to do something positive. While many of you will probably not agree with my decision, I am satisfied with it...for today.

My usual routine is this...

I get home from work, fill up a used half-pint bottle with whiskey from a bigger bottle. Drink from it straight while reading (or sometimes watching tv) and chasing each pull with water...until I run out. Then, I start pouring drinks until I get tired (around 9:00 to 9:30 PM). Then, I will wolf something down quickly and go to bed.


This is what I did today...

I got home from work. Cleaned my kitchen. Ate a small, healthy meal. Read the newspaper. Watched one tv show. Drank 4oz of whiskey right before bed (this is 1/3 to 1/4 what I drink on the average day...even more on the weekends). After brushing my teeth, I got on this forum...and read more than I usually do...which wasn't really planned.

It is actually now past my bedtime, and I will attempt sleep. I think it will be successful.

Tomorrow, I expect to do at least this well. I know I technically only moderated today, but this was a good step for me...as it was the least I have drunk in a given day in...well, I really don't remember for how long.

langkah

If the AAs got a better deal on renting the back room of a pool hall than they do from whatever church cuts them a deal, then they'd be at the pool hall.

But you know how it is, some people won't darken the door of a pool hall, so a few who need a solution for their inability to stay sober would use that to exclude themselves.