Lotus2009

So it's been a week since I left and it looks like AH's relapse is in full bloom. He's averaging 1/2 to 1 bottle of liquor a day - I'm assuming based on the empties that were laying around when I walked in today. He doesn't seem to be doing good at all - mentally as well as physically. The apartment smelled like vomit and the bathroom looked bad (some vomit left on floor and toilet that he didn't clean up).

Anyways, I'm continuing to detach. Just picked up a few things from the apt., left the mess as it was, and before I left casually asked if he wanted to go treatment (he politely declined).

What's interesting and new for me is that there's no anger there from my side. I was a little upset when I first found out and after one of our conversations, but that was it - it didn't linger on like it used to. It's just really weird, because whenever I left in the past, I had soo much anger that I carried around with me for days or weeks. Now I'm just sad for him, because I know he's not happy, but I'm not really angry at him for what he's doing to himself or our marriage. And overall I'm doing ok - I'm not a complete mess (i.e. not close to a nervous breakdown). My reaction is so new that I'm questioning if there's something wrong with me - or wondering if it's just a matter of time before I fall apart like I used to. Where's the anger? Wouldn't it be a normal reaction to be furious at him for destroying our marriage? Or am I just detaching better than I used to? Just wondering if other's have had similar experiences?

EnglishGarden

So glad you left the mess. And offered treatment. And went away. That is excellent recovery in action! You are allowing him to experience the full consequences of his addiction thus not standing in the way of his potential recovery.

Well, anger, like any strong, primitive emotion, does have a finite amount of track to run. Then it changes to something else.

I think yours changed to realism! And that brings a lot of good.

More will unfold. Just keep stepping away from the vomit. Take good care of yourself.

LifeRecovery

For me the anger took a little bit (months), and comes up again in waves. I did not have a lot of anger at first. I can only speak for myself, but I was in a little bit of shock of all that was happening around me.

It was not scary though when I realized that anger is normal, how my anger showing up or not showing up was "normal" etc. Re-learning about the grief process was really helpful for me around this.

Just keep on taking care of you!

Willybluedog

I agree with LR.

When my I found my wife cheating and she moved out I was kind of mentally shorted out, it was only a few months later that I god really angry, I am so glad I was in therapy at the time because I probably would have made some really bad decisions.

I can tell you that I have been working hard on detachment from my alcoholic mother and co-dependent father and all their drama, when I finally figured it out it was like taking off a giant wet coat, all that anger pretty much evaporated when I finally "got it" that none of it was my problem.

I think you are just handling all this very well.

Great job,

Bill