zoso77

There was a point on Tuesday night, as I was saying my prayers, that I asked God to help guide my AXGF to make decisions for herself. It kind of stopped me in my tracks, and I had to think about that for a few minutes.

I'm not uncomfortable saying I think she's a vile and disgusting person. Her behavior over the course of our relationship was centered on dishonesty, unfaithfulness, and manipulation. Not to mention a sadistic delight in revealing all she had done behind my back. But on Tuesday night, there was a silent acknowledgement that she is, indeed, a very sick individual, and the only one that can guide her back to wellness, if she chooses, is her Higher Power.

I do not forgive her. Yet. The damage that has been done on all fronts of my life has been immense, and her behavior, in retrospect, reveals she simply didn't care if I was impacted professionally, academically, or emotionally. It was all about her. Right now, I'm not ready to forgive her.

A paragraph in Al Anon's "Just for Today" bookmark says:

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Towards that end, I've signed up for classical guitar lessons and a radar systems course through my professional society. The former is something, as a guitarist, I've always wanted to do. And the radar course will get the technical side of my brain to reengage with that part of my life.

My anger is under control. I'm looking forward instead of thinking about things that have happened in the past. I'm so thankful for the people in my life, including those I've corresponded with here. There is hope and happiness after life with an addict.

wicked

Classical?
What about that 12 string?!?!?!


It is so wonderful to see you turn around and start to see what else lays beyond your girlfriend and not being a mental loafer.

There is hope and happiness in the aftermath.

Beth

ctg492

Side note: ZOSO was on the back window of my Buick('69 Skylark) in 1978.

EnglishGarden

Good to hear, Zoso!

I just ordered some cold press watercolor paper and a bunch of paint today. I decided my brain was too pickled from codependence and needed a project.

Someone I know who wasn't able to forgive a particularly vile person decided that, in her mind, rather than the words "I forgive you," she said inwardly instead: "I give you energy for change."

At least it is a kind of giving, she thought. Better for her than to feel badly that she could not forgive.

I hope you learn all that good Spanish guitar stuff!

zoso77

Funny you should ask...I have an acoustic 12 and a Gibson Doubleneck, which has 12 and 6 strings...

zoso77

Forgiveness...

I can't do that yet, because there's a couple of things that I'm going through right now that are ugly and a direct result of her behavior. At least with compassion, I can say something to the effect of:

What you did is deplorable, but I acknowledge you are not well and that must be difficult.

Or words to that effect.

Forgiveness, I think I've read here, isn't a single act but a process, which is really helpful way of looking at it. Someday, when the ripples have all faded away, I will forgive her. When that is, I don't know.

Best of luck with your project. Sometimes we have to do things to change the channel in our minds. I hope your project brings you peace.

ZoSo

brokenheart

Zoso, I love your post! It it inspirational to say the least. Congratulations on your revelations and acceptance of what is beyond your power to change in someone else.

stickywater

Zoso, i get how you feel. I am having a hard time with forgiveness also. Even though things were said and done while my AGF and i were not officially together, it still bothers me and hurts. I understand it is the disease, but that still doesnt make it right. It just expains why. I wish you all the best