Emeraldstorm

From the time I was 21, until the time I was 25 I lived with a VERY abusive alcoholic. When I first met him he seemed like just a normal guy who played music, and lived with normal young people. Then after a year of being together we met his Dad downtown, who suffers from MANY mental illness. He joined the NAVY to get out of drugs (he used to do heroin), and during this time had 4 children, my ex being the oldest. His mom is also a drug user, and ever since my ex was child he had to take care of his little brothers and sister, because no one was around. One day CPS came to take the children away, and my ex's Dad fought to get them back. My ex moved into his friends house, and had not talked to his family for years. Then, like I said we see his Dad downtown with women and he asks us to come over to his house. This was before that show hoarders, and so I had no idea people lived that way. He lived in a single wide trailer, with all three kids, no heat, no ac, no fridge, no shower head, holes in the floor (especially in the youngest boys room), trash everywhere, and just rats rats rats!!! I should have been demolished, but my ex loved his family, it means everything to him. He didn't want to see the kids taken away from their dad. So when he asked if we could help him clean and take care of the kids we did that. Over the years, my ex starts drinking more and more...waking up and needing a 5th of something and constantly looking for change to get steel reserves...he was getting angrier and angrier...I don't blame him, his Dad started drinking a lot to, and getting to stupid trouble. What's worse was that he was on disability (which I helped him get) because he started suffering from SERIOUS dementia! Seeing people that weren't there...and walking out into the road naked..I'm only 22 at the time, and I just wanted to help all of them more than anything, mostly the children. I had become like a surrogate mother, and I would go their games, and their plays, and would try to make them feel like they had a normal life. I helped move into a bigger place, helped his dad get Social Security, helped the kids with school...all while working and going to school. My ex would sign up to take online classes when he thought he wanted to get sober, but I ended up having to take all of his classes too. He would continue drinking, being depressed, he stopped playing music, lost contact with his friends, and then the abuse started. He would throw me up against the wall and choke me, bite me, force me to have sex with him...I don't know why I stayed for as long as I did. I had some seriously low self esteem issues, and just stood there and took his abuse with a blank stare. It took this forum, detaching, and meditation to finally break free. Eventually we got so frustrated at not having a life, and no matter how hard I tried, his family still leaned heavily on my shoulder. We decided to move to Nashville to play music with a friend of mine. Eventually she started to see it to. Moving just made it worse. He started being verbally abusive to her to, and we had to kick him out. He moved across the country and left everything he owned (which wasn't much). I returned home for the holidays that and brought as much as I could down with me to take to his dad's house. I eventually met the love of my life and he saved me from everything. I'm now 3 days away from taking my massage and bodywork exam, and this fall I will be going to school for yoga teacher training. My life has turned around in such a positive way. I feel as though I have second chance in the world....just this morning I got a message from my ex that asked for few things I still have of his. His Dad has moved, and he was supposed to give me the new address so I could drop them of this past Christmas. He never did..he's been kicked out of his friends house in Oregon, and I have no idea what his status as far as addiction is. I know he was on the streets at one point. Anyway the point is he never got back to me, so I didn't take the things with me when I went to see my family (which I isolated for long, because they couldn't support me while I was in that situation). Now he wants everything back, and I just don't want to deal with it. He wants the computer that I helped him get, by not letting him fail his online classes, but I had to sell 1.) It was really not that nice and 2.) I didn't want to haul it around forever. The other two things, are a tent and a briefcase with just loose papers in it...Should I even respond to him? What should I say? Is there any way for me to get into trouble? I'm so tired of this. The last thing I should be doing is worrying about him. I have to take my State Licence exam in a few days, and I should be 100% focused on that! I'm angry, and I find myself zoning out while I'm studying, and I'm sure it's because of that email! Please help if can. I really need some advice on what to do here.... [/SIZE]

nodaybut2day

This is just a blip from the past. You are NOT obligated to respond to the man who abused you physically and sexually. You owe him nothing.

MyBetterWorld

I completely agree. Personally, I would delete it and block his messages. In my experience, this is how they try to start to suck you back into the madness.

Delete and move on!

suki44883

I agree. You owe him nothing. Block him on your phone or email or whatever other communication devices you have. Don't respond. Go on with your life. Good luck on your exams!

Emeraldstorm

I also feel like that is the best thing to do, but some part of me feels guilty (per usual). I spent almost 5 years feeling guilty, and that I totally deserved what he did to me. Some unconscious thing I've done since my parents got a divorce when I was a child....I'm not a bad person if I do this? Why do I feel like I am


**My Dad is also a heavy drinker as well, and verbally abusive...

Emeraldstorm

Thanks for the good luck, Suki! I'm so nervous about it! You guys have always been so awesome at giving advice. I really don't know where I would be without this forum!!

womaninprogress

Throw his stuff in the trash, free yourself.

nodaybut2day

Old habits, especailly crummy ones, die hard. Give yourself a break. You were with this abusive person for a LONG time, and it's only been a year since you have been able to get away from that madness. If you had a friend tell you that she thought she deserved being raped and pushed around and choked, what would you tell her?

...you'd probably smack her upside the head as lovingly as possible and tell her "no way".

I understand what it's like to be abused and to try to wrap your mind around it...in my case, it was just so horrid and unthinkable that *logically* I thought that I MUST have done something to deserve it, right? Because that's how I thought things worked. It took me a lot of years in counselling to understand that there are just predators out there who abuse others because they CAN. I would strongly suggest that you explore the option of counselling for yourself...

Emeraldstorm

I totally agree with you, and if I did have a friend say that to me I would do exactly what you said! It's easier for me, to care for others, than it is to care for myself. I'm trying to change it, but it's so hard...I also agree that I need some kind counseling. For a long time, I just thought if I ignored my emotions, then it would all go away and I just start feeling better...I realize that is not the case. I really should look into it...just the money thing...

Emeraldstorm

Just wanted to say one more time that I appreciate everything you guys have done for me! It's so nice to have a forum for people who are caring and like-minded. You guys totally get me, and understand where I've been and where I'm coming from!! Much much love and gratitude!!

blwninthewind

I agree....

you don't owe him a thing.

he had 365 days to figure it out.

besides...all he really wants is that computer to pawn....and he doesn't even realize you don't have it!

Just don't respond. Don't answer his calls. What is he going to do...whine and cry that you kept his stuff...stuff he had over a YEAR to get.
and you asked him where to drop it off a long time ago!
your done.
you did what you could.
You can't save him.
Now keep moving forward and don't look back.

naive

mine always used to leave something in my house as a means to contact me or come over. this is how they re-establish contact with you. this is how you get sucked back in by them.

block his number on the phone. don't respond. he's a danger to you.

and i agree, some counseling would help you deal with what you've been thru. alanon is free. that's a good place to start, as well as the book "co-dependent no more".

StarCat

There was an intern at work who used to do that.
He'd leave a coffee cup or something at your desk as an excuse to come by and talk to you, then try to rope you into giving him an assignment. Then when someone else called and asked why the thing he was supposed to be doing for them wasn't done, he'd say because he was working on something really hot for you (while if you called and asked for an update, he'd blame it on a project from someone else).
Needless to say he wasn't hired back when he graduated.

Manipulative people tend to use similar tricks.

My XABF would schedule everything a year in advance and pay for as much as possible in advance, non refundable, with money he couldn't afford to spend - then lay on a guilt trip about how it's such a waste not to go when I didn't want to go. That worked really well, too, until he started canceling the things himself because he was drunk. I finally figured out - if he didn't care enough to be sober, why am I bending over backwards to accommodate things that I had no say in, anyway?


He had plenty of time. You don't owe him anything.

Emeraldstorm

Just an update:

My ex is still randomly sending me emails about his crap (like once every couple of months). I figure I can just block his emails, but I don't want to be in trouble for keeping his stuff. I actually just recently threw out everything anyway. I'm also scared that if I don't message him back, that he will try to physically find me, and get in touch with me that way.

Ugh I'm so stuck, and I don't know what I should do. Is it really okay to just block him on my email. I don't want to deal with him anymore...