whatamess

I feel like I live in a different world to my AH's family. It is so surreal. Even though I am now divorcing AH, over the years I have tried to talk to his family about his drinking but they don't want to know. They seem to think I am overreacting or badmouthing AH if I try to bring up his drinking so I have stopped bothering. Then they freak out when they find out I am leaving him because they think I wouldn't do this if I loved him.

FIL: If pushed refers to AH's drinking as "his little problem" but otherwise tells me/phones my parents to say I am too demanding and that I will find it hard to survive financially without AH. He doesn't really speak to me.

MIL: Mostly acts as if nothing is wrong and refuses to discuss AH's drinking. However, today she said she thinks AH is a "good man" and I "seemed very happy" and he is "now addressing his problem" (ie writing down his promise not to drink and saying he will go to see a hypnotist). Yet, she cut me off when I tried to suggest he had made similar promises and broken them before.

SIL 1: Talks about AH's excessive drinking episodes as "a one off" and sporadic and I need to deal with what makes me so unhappy and as my marriage vows included "in sickness and in health" I should stand by him. No doubt she will stop talking to me (like she did last time I kicked AH out)

SIL 2: Thinks that there might be a small problem but if I really love him then I will stick by him and help him get better. She won't really talk to me anymore.

The thing that really irks me is that none of them seem to have done any research into what alcoholism is. If they had, they would soon discover that I can do nothing about AH's drinking. Love and marriage vows have nothing to do with it. Only AH can decide if/when he wants to stop drinking. They seem to believe everything he says and think that the kids are better off living with a father with a drinking problem than not.

I suppose I just have to accept that I can't open their eyes any more than I can stop AH drinking. It seems such a waste. They are letting my relationship with AH affect my relationship with them. Maybe it is easier to blame me.

nodaybut2day

BINGO! Blood is thicker than water. And doing research on alcoholism may very well lead them to discover that they are enablers, which from reading your post, is not something they want to admit to or face.

I'm sorry you have to stand alone against people who choose to bury their heads in the sand while blaming you. I hope you know that you have the support of people here at SR.

wanttobehealthy

There are a handful of us on here who have done the same as you-- tried to talk to our AH's family's with concern and it's eerie how familiar the response is. YOU are the problem and will be no matter what you do. Same with me. Same with anyone who confronts an addicts family which is made up of untreated addicts, codies and enablers.

My in laws have vilified me and baby AH and I spent years trying to prove myself and prove my concern for their son. They are all as sick as he is and it is a family disease that starts somewhere and it sure as heck didn't start with you or me... Our H's diseases began with their family of origin so as much as it sucks to get the treatment you are getting and to have to deal with their denial... it's gonna be this way. You can't do a thing about it. And as a word of advice... I found that once I stopped responding to my inlaws and detached and didn't take the bait or try to communicate about my concerns etc... their behavior got worse. They will do ANYTHING to keep the focus on YOU and just be prepared for them to get vicious as you back away...

NYCDoglvr

What anyone else thinks of you is irrelevant. I hope you can let go of him and his family completely and see them as only part of your past. You don't owe anyone a conversation, explanation, email or any contact at all. As you said in your post you have never had a relationship with these people, it has never worked.