sesh

There is something I've been struggling with lately.

My RAH is in recovery for some 10 months now and he is doing very well. Very deducated and very determined never to drink again. He is doing all the right things, not only in regard to his personal recovery, but in the regard how he treats me and kids too.
So on the surface everything is great. I have no reason to complain about him, as he is respectful, caring, helpful, everything one would expect.

And now comes the great BUT!

But the better he is doing I'm getting more and more resentful, angry, ... it is hard to explain that feeling. I'm distancing from him emotionaly, he can see it, but he is respectful in that regard too, he is not making it hard, he is just giving me the space he thinks I need. We didn't speak about it, as honestly I don't even know what would I say, I have no idea why do I feel this way.
I do feel I have wasted years of my life, waiting for him to come back to his senses. On the rational level I know this is something I need to let go of, since it is not doing me any good to think in those terms. But in all honesty I have no idea if this is the thing that is making me feel this way.

I feel confused, and I would like to get to the bottom of it and try to work it out, (with myself) as I don't enjoy feeling this way.

Has anyone of you experienced similar emotions?

I would really appreciate your input, as no matter how hard I think about the whole thing, I can't figure it out.

feelingalone43

Maybe you are feeling like "What took you so long"? That feeling that you wasted years living with an alcoholic?

My AH is not in AA, but has cut back drastically, and sometime I think if he would have done that a long time ago, I wouldn't have needed to come here to SR in the first place. Yes, that can make me angry sometimes. It took coming here and reading A LOT to come to terms with that anger.

Now I focus on making myself healthy and happy. He can work on his sobriety if he chooses. I haven't fooled myself into believing that he will never get "drunk" again, but I have set my boundaries, and made him aware of them. Finally convincing myself that his recovery is up to him gave me the freedom to work on my own life.

sesh

The thing is I do have my boundaries set firmly, I am working on myself and my own recovery. I believe everything I have been through has made me a better person, more true to myself. I know I have learned some great lessons and I'm grateful for it. I have gained a lot from all that pain.

I don't think "he will never drink again" I don't care if he drinks or not. It is his business. If he does, we are done, I don't have problem with that. I don't spend any time of my life thinking about it any more.

All of this feels like I finally have what I wanted for such a long time, and now that I have it I'm not happy. That worries me.
It feels I'm missing something and I can't figure it out.

feelingalone43

Keep working on yourself. Keep coming here to vent. Maybe try finding a new hobby or interest that you can totally immerse yourself in? For me that is working out on a regular schedule. So much more energy and feeling good about myself.

Hope the best for you and your family. One day at a time.

Willybluedog

sesh,

I found that writing a letter to the person I was angry with (in my case it was my alcoholic mother) really helped me get all the pain and sorrow out of me. This was not a letter that I would actually give her, this was what I really wanted to write. My letter was angry and mean, why-why-why etc.

Also journaling may be a big help, but if it does not, I would suggest individual and joint counseling, joint counseling is a safe place to let out your anger and frustration, while individual counseling can help you let go of your anger. I have had much success with both of the last 20 years.

Best of luck,

Bill

womaninprogress

I think we're close to the same place. My A has been doing really good. He's not abstaining as of yet, but he's drinking a whole lot less. He's being honest with me for the first time. He's actually taking steps to get his life in order, not just talking about it. Even called around lastnight for AA meetings, although he was drinking, and didn't go to the meeting, it's one step closer then he's ever been.

For me, the anger I'm feeling about this I think is fear. I'm afraid to let myself love him. I'm afraid he'll be the man I've wanted and needed so long and then relapse. My anger is actually fear.

naive

i will give you some feedback and that is you seemed happier when he wasn't living there and you had a boyfriend.

maybe you just need your own space?

maybe you don't love him anymore?

maybe you want to move on with the rest of your life?

if mine sobered up, went to AA and was everything i could ever hope for, i don't think i'd be with him, except as friends maybe. i forgive him but just too much water under the bridge. i'm not looking for a relationship with anyone except me right now and if i ever did want a relationship, i would go for something fresh and new.

what do you want?

sesh

Thanks Bill, writing a letter sounds like a very good idea. I hope in the process of writing more will be revealed to me, and I might understand my emotions better - figure out where they're coming from. I'll give it a try.
Womaninprogress I thought about what you said, I understand how you feel, I felt the same way sometimes in the past, but it is not the fear I'm feeling now. I am not afraid to love him, as I know he can not hurt me any more, my happiness doesn't depend on his sobriety.
Having said all this, am I asking myself: Do I love him? And all of the sudden I don't know the answer to that question. Huh. This is hard.

sesh

Hi naive,
seems we posted at the same time.
... The answer to all your questions is : I don't know.
I have no idea.
Crap, this is not what I was looking for.

Guess some heavy thinking is in order.

Maybe I should start with that letter and see where it will take me.

naive

do you feel obligated to be his wife now that he is sober?

LaTeeDa

I second the suggestion about journaling. When my XAH finally got sober, I found myself very angry. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. I spilled all that anger out that had been building for years, maybe decades. In the process, I not only came to forgive him, but most importantly, I came to forgive myself. It wasn't a quick and easy process, though. It took months. Maybe just start writing and see where it takes you?

L

naive

ach, it's all too much work, isn't it?

so you spent 10 years nursing him. now he's in recovery. you now probably have to go to couple counseling and deal with all sorts of more issues, blah. and then, he could relapse.

fresh and new is suddenly looking attractive. at least to me. what's wrong with enjoying the blush of eros of a new relationship? oh, a dinner date? fantastic. a holiday in the sun? sure! oh, a gift? thanks!

when will we give ourselves permission to have fun?

lizatola

I'm also going to chime in about the journaling. I have been working through a book on forgiveness and it was very helpful to me and helped me forgive my alcoholic father. I finally felt such a release from all that he had done and said to me and the resentment and anger I felt lifted. 2 months later, he died at the age of 62. This was in December and I didn't feel resentful or feel angry, I felt relief that he was no longer suffering from his addictions and I was able to let him go and feel no negative feelings towards him or our father/daughter relationship. I still feel good about having worked through that book and I plan on working it now with my AH. Since my dad just died and I was mourning his death, I haven't had a chance to work on my anger regarding my AH. I just started re-reading the book yesterday and will start doing the work this weekend.

The book is called, "Forgiveness is a Choice" by Robert Enright

You are not alone in how you feel. Remember, feelings are fickle and sometimes they change. Writing it out, getting to the heart of the matter may actually set you free. You may find that you want to stay married, you may find the opposite. Be patient with yourself. Life is a journey and sometimes we don't find the answers today or tomorrow, but they will come to us. Hugs to you today!

sesh

Thank you all,
LTD I will definetely give journaling a try, funny I didn't think of that before myself, since I am a writer, and I write all the time, and than it hasn't occured to me to try heal myself that way.
Lizatola, thanks for your kind words, I will try to find that book, thanks for recomending it. Glad to hear you have managed to get some closure with your dad.

And naive, huh yes, it is so much bloody work...
Do I feel obliged to stay married to him now that he is sober? I don't think so, not in a way that I feel I owe it to him, but to be honest I do feel I owe it to kids, as they're finally healing. Not that I would stay in marriage if I find I can not do it any more, if that comes out to be at the bottom of all this, but right now I think I'd feel very bad in regard to our kids if I decide I don't want to be married to RAH any more. I would be a very, very hard decision for me to make. And that's why right now I pray it doesn't come to it, as I had enough of hard decisions...

But as often wisely sugested on these boards I don't have to (or can) solve all my problems today, and I can only do one step at the time.
But I have a plan of action: I will start writing.

But let me vent and whine just one moment more: God I'm sick and tired of working on myself, of trying to figure everything out, and facing new challenges all the time. When does it stop?!?
(OK I know the answer to all that, just needed to shout it out and vent a bit).

LaTeeDa

I probably should mention that my intent in journaling had nothing to do with forgiving anyone. I simply needed a way to let out my anger because I didn't want it to spill out onto my children, my coworkers, my neighbors, or anyone else. The anger I felt was very intense and I had to do *something* with it. The forgiveness didn't come until much later. But, the relief started to come almost immediately.

L

sesh

Ok, for over an hour now I 've been trying to start writing, but it seems that every single cell in my body is against it. I don't want to go back, I don't want to remember. I mean I could go through the facts, no problem at all, state every single thing he ever did to me, but the way I felt, huh, I don't want to remember that.

I realize I don't want to remember it as it makes me soooo angry with myself, with the fact l let him did all those things to me. I know he wasn't doing it to me, he was just doing it, the way any a$$ A does, but I have willingly put myself on the floor so he can thrump all over me.
If I manage to make any progress I'll let you know.

LaTeeDa

Sesh,

I took a creative writing class and the best thing about it was the exercise at the beginning we always did to "warm up." Don't think about what you want to write, don't think about spelling or grammar, don't think about trying to make sense--just write. Stream of consciousness. Let your hand and the pen write whatever it wants. If you're like me, you might be surprised at what you need to say......

L

Wing

Oh aitomatic writing..I've done that at university. U would figure out what's on your mind subconsciously... It's a good way to release and understand your emotion..

painterman

I reckon it's perfectly natural how you're feeling. When he was out of it all your energies were taken up dealing with the madness, which puts you in some other place emotionally. Now he is returning to normal your own feelings that were normal are piled on top of years of anger and resentment, whether it's on the surface or not I think you will want him to feel the hurt he has caused. It sounds like it will take some time to settle down-but I hope he doesn't lose you now he has found himself! Good luck.

naive

i decided i'm going to play more. want to come to the indoor swimming pool, sesh? after that, we can bounce about on my neighbor's trampoline.