I love you ... and I thank you. :)
I love you ... and I thank you. :)
About a week ago, I had a slip on my journey ... my husband of almost 20 years is an active alcoholic and something he did really set me off. He left to go drink at his favorite bar, and I was left here at home with the kids and all of my feelings. Even worse, he left his bottle of whiskey behind (I'd asked him to weeks ago to take his booze with him whenever he left the house so I wouldn't be tempted). He didn't mean to leave it (at least I HOPE he didn't), but he did and I imbibed a couple of shots before I finally called my sponsor and she talked me "off the ledge." Horrible feeling but I learned a lot from it. I wanted to be mad at my husband for leaving it behind, knowing that I would be tempted by it, but I couldn't hang on that excuse ... whether he left it or not, it was still my choice to drink it or not. I took two shots and then dumped the rest. I had hoped it would make me feel better, but it only made me feel "YUCK." I guess it could have been much worse ... if I hadn't had AA and a sponsor and other sober friends I could call, I would have drank the rest of the bottle (it was a half bottle of Crown Royal).
I guess my point is that a few weeks ago, I'd have downed the rest of the bottle and found myself back in that terrible, dark place that I've been trying soooo hard to get out of. The difference this time is that I have support. Support of SR, support of AA, and a new outlook on my life. It's hard to get sober while still living with an active alcoholic but it can be done. I'm learning that my sobriety has NOTHING to do with him and what he does ... it's all in me. I made the choice to drink that night and nobody drove me to it but me. This disease would like to tell us that our drinking is everybody's fault but our own, but I know different now. I am posting this not out of shame or guilt over what I did, but in the hopes that others in the same position (trying to get sober and stay sober while also living with or involved with an active alcoholic/user) will continue on their journey no matter what their SO, husband, etc. does. We deserve a better life, and while we hope our loved one will join us on this journey, there is no guarantee that it will happen. That's okay, as long as we continue to move forward. They will either join us or they won't. As time goes on, we'll figure out how best to deal with that reality. But we can't put them before our sobriety ... if we do, we will lose our sobriety AND them.
Maybe this should be in the Al-Anon forum but it just felt right to post it here. Sobriety depends on accountability and rigorous honesty and I felt the need to come clean on this. I love being able to be of help to others on this journey but if I'm going to be of real use to anyone, I also need to be honest about my own challenges and failures. I hope this doesn't lessen anyone's opinion of me but I felt the need to get this "out" there. Sobriety is a journey and often has bumps in the road ... that doesn't mean we can't succeed. So ... here I am at Day 4 AGAIN after almost 60 days this time around. No worries. I'm still in the game. And if you're struggling too, just know that you can always start again no matter what your circumstances. All it takes is willingness and honesty. And to know you're not alone. Thank you SR and all of your wonderful, honest people. You give me what I need to keep on keepin' on.
I guess my point is that a few weeks ago, I'd have downed the rest of the bottle and found myself back in that terrible, dark place that I've been trying soooo hard to get out of. The difference this time is that I have support. Support of SR, support of AA, and a new outlook on my life. It's hard to get sober while still living with an active alcoholic but it can be done. I'm learning that my sobriety has NOTHING to do with him and what he does ... it's all in me. I made the choice to drink that night and nobody drove me to it but me. This disease would like to tell us that our drinking is everybody's fault but our own, but I know different now. I am posting this not out of shame or guilt over what I did, but in the hopes that others in the same position (trying to get sober and stay sober while also living with or involved with an active alcoholic/user) will continue on their journey no matter what their SO, husband, etc. does. We deserve a better life, and while we hope our loved one will join us on this journey, there is no guarantee that it will happen. That's okay, as long as we continue to move forward. They will either join us or they won't. As time goes on, we'll figure out how best to deal with that reality. But we can't put them before our sobriety ... if we do, we will lose our sobriety AND them.
Maybe this should be in the Al-Anon forum but it just felt right to post it here. Sobriety depends on accountability and rigorous honesty and I felt the need to come clean on this. I love being able to be of help to others on this journey but if I'm going to be of real use to anyone, I also need to be honest about my own challenges and failures. I hope this doesn't lessen anyone's opinion of me but I felt the need to get this "out" there. Sobriety is a journey and often has bumps in the road ... that doesn't mean we can't succeed. So ... here I am at Day 4 AGAIN after almost 60 days this time around. No worries. I'm still in the game. And if you're struggling too, just know that you can always start again no matter what your circumstances. All it takes is willingness and honesty. And to know you're not alone. Thank you SR and all of your wonderful, honest people. You give me what I need to keep on keepin' on.
Desertsong I live in dreaded fear of what has happened to you. I attend AA regularly and twice now 2 different people that have helped me have relapsed. One has done quite well at recovering the other is not having as much luck but still attending meetings. This happening to you makes me realize that I can't be around booze or dope at all. I have been reunited with my family and they all drink/use. I"M going to work in Wyoming with my nephew shortly and was going to rent a place with him and his friend. Now I'm gonna have to find my own place. If I use I know I'll lose this job and my family again. God bless you and thank you for this thread.
Neferkamichael, I will offer you whatever help I can here in Wyoming. Alcoholism and drug abuse is a HUGE problem here but the blessing is that there is also a lot of help here. Stay in touch with me while you're here, and we'll find you what you need.
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I guess my point is that a few weeks ago, I'd have downed the rest of the bottle and found myself back in that terrible, dark place that I've been trying soooo hard to get out of. The difference this time is that I have support. Support of SR, support of AA, and a new outlook on my life.
I don't know how I ended up in AA...How I ended up on this website...I think that's something a little more powerful than I am....I don't try and comprehend it. I just know that I was well on my way to dying a slow...painful..alcoholic death...And I had come to terms with that. I was going to let that happen...
Then somehow...Something clicked....That all these things that I had done were all things I needed... to finally find the willingness to do something about it...I never had the willingness to do anything about it....I had to ask for help. And that's what you have done....You found AA...You found the courage to go there...You've found this website...I don't think what you did was a mistake...More like a part of some plan that you know nothing about....Why do you want to get sober when your husband doesn't?....Maybe that is put in front of you to make you stronger....I don't know. But there is a reason for it. I believe that if you do...What you are supposed to do....Don't pick up...Work your program with all you have inside you....Good things will happen for you...and your husband....And all you have to do is ask for help...Get out of the way and let them happen. Move on DS...The strength is inside of you... Use it.
Glad you posted, desertsong. I learned a phrase recently..."the first drink is a choice...all the rest are the disease". It sounds to me like you were able to nip the disease in the bud. Glad you learned, and grew stronger by it.
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Very inspirational post desertsong...thank you. I slipped too but did so for 3 long days that I don't remember much about :/ Starting over today....glad you are feeling so positive. Hope some of it rubbed off on me
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