Loneywife

AH has been in the psych ward for the last few days, and it's been so peaceful in the house. I'm really starting to enjoy my down time from the craziness.

My in laws haven't stopped by the house, and as far as I know AH has refused to see them since he's been in the psych ward. He's finally admitted that he overdosed, and he is getting treatment for it.

I've been going to my meetings and sharing and I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself. I don't know if AH will recover and stay sober, and I don't even know if the things around me will calm down. I don't know if we are meant to stay together, but I finally feel like I can set some boundaries and keep them.

I'm not on speaking terms with my in laws, and I'm really OK with that. Overall I feel like I'm in a much better place mentally, and even my coworkers have commented on how calm I am.

So thank you all for helping me so much!

Impurrfect

(((LW))) - Thank you for your awesome update!! I know I had to get away from the craziness before I could truly see how crazy it WAS? When I'm in the middle of it, my mind has a tendency to get muddled, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be.

Enjoy your YOU time!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Loneywife

I went out and got a haircut today and treatment for my hair. I feel amazing.

I feel like I'm finally able to have the interactions with AH that I used to have, prior to him actively using. It's a really refreshing to be able to feel like I'm able to interact not on a reactional basis with him.

He's supposed to be coming home Monday, but it's now up to him to make a decision. I feel so much stronger now in my convictions and directions.

Loneywife

We had a good few days....only few. He spent most of the afternoon with his mother; she's parked in the driveway with him in the car as I was pulling in from work.

Yesterday, he had to discontinue one of his anti seizure meds due to an allergic reaction, and he wasn't feeling that well last night. He seemed normal for the most of the day, but the afternoon changed.

He tried to get me to talk to his mom when I got home, and I'm so beyond upset right now. He is also exhibiting symptoms that he's high again and is asleep on the bed next to me.

Anyway, does one need a lawyer for annulment in NY?

Impurrfect

(((LW))) - sorry he is not showing "recovery behaviors" but VERY proud of you for taking care of YOU! I have no clue about the annulment stuff, but I'm sure someone will be along who knows.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

I would assume that yes, you would need a lawyer for that. It does sound like he may be using again. I'm so sorry.

Loneywife

Thank you both for your responses. I took your advice and have an appointment for consultation with an attorney next week about all of this.

I'm fairly sure he won't remember that I said I was done with the BS. Now onto finding a new place to live.

PLM

Just wanted to say hi, and that I understand. I'm divorcing my husband of 6 months due to his continued addiction and all the lies that come with it. What state are you in? Not sure if it matters for annulment but does for divorce (addicts are entitled to financial support from the responsible spouse, nice right?). I'm about where you are, just met with an attorney last week. Annulment is very difficult, and often the more costly route. In order for an annulment you need to actually go to court and prove that he was high at the wedding. I didn't want to go through that fight so am getting divorced instead. Good luck to you, i know how painful and difficult it is, but i'm starting to see light at the end of this tunnel.

YearForMe

I have met with a divorce attorney and what I was told seems like it would be common sense no matter what state you are in....

Open a bank account in your name only and start putting your
earnings in that account.

Look at every account associated in any way with you.......electric/gas/water/mortgage/cable/netflix/internet etc. etc. etc.
and, depending on what you are going to do.....

Is your car in your name only? Does he have a car? And is YOUR name on the title of his car?

If you are walking away....make sure you get YOUR name off of any of those accounts. Or get HIS name off of any of yours.

The more advance work that you do....the more the two of you can agree on up front.....the cheaper and faster it is.

In our State.....you don't even have to have an attorney if you have a settlement, or if you are just simply walking away and there is nothing to settle.

Unfortunately...I can't just walk, so I was advised to start taking my personal belongings OUT of the house and put in a safe place. So I rented a storage unit.

In my State you can file for divorce and submit a settlement signed and notarized by both parties.
You might want to check into that possibility.

Addiction is Progressive.

This isn't going to get better until they embrace sobriety and recovery.

Loneywife

Thank you both for your advice. I will be sure to ask the attorney what the best route for me to go forward with is as far as annulment vs divorce.

There is only 1 joint account, with what's left of our wedding money. Our earnings have always been in separate accounts, as well our car titles.

I may have to rent a storage unit as well. It's the beginning of the month, and it's going to take me a bit of time to find a new place to live. I don't even know if I want to stay at my current employer either.

Sigh. I know you aren't supposed to make any major life changes unless you've been to steady meetings for 3-6 months. I want to change everything and move away and on with my life right now.

YearForMe

many have pulled a "geographical" and funny thing is...it usually works IF you really leave it all behind and start over.....like it was all just a bad dream.

"no matter where you go....there YOU are"
So just remember to continue taking steps to keep yourself in a healthy place.

you are doing awesome....

And this all sucks. I know...I am in it too. 26 years together 23 married.


<<<-----Wants to run away from home......

Loneywife

I've done a geographical before, and it really helped me to heal, but it made my relationship with my family extremely strained. It took another 2 years after I came back to repair what I did to my family.

I know this transition is going to be extremely difficult on me, and I know my family is going to get involved in their dissapointment that this marriage didn't work out. I haven't even sent out my thank you notes for the gifts I received for my wedding yet.

outtolunch

Your family can only get involved if you allow them to do so.

I am of the mind that geography does not solve problems of our own making. The problems just pack up and meet us in our new location.

Loneywife

Thank you for your advice and opinion. I will definitely try to not keep my family involved in this issue. It's difficult for me, but I will work on that.

YearForMe

I totally agree Out To Lunch.....that is why I said "No matter where you go....there YOU are".

However......the addict doesn't go with us.

Loneywife

Very true.

bluebelle

It is probably a good idea to wait until you've had some time to think about it. Sometimes, it is best to have a new start somewhere else. However, it is good to make sure you have a support system in the new place. It takes awhile anyway to find a place, get work, etc. So, make sure you are really moving somewhere where you want to be. Do your research, etc.

I have moved several times in my life for various reasons, and have never regretted it. However, it is true that wherever you go, there you are. You can't escape from yourself!! I guess it depends on your reasoning. This last move was to go to a place with better weather, so I don't regret that. I do miss my old friends.

Loneywife

I guess how I'm feeling now is that if I find a new place to live here, I've got to commit to staying there for a year. I can afford to move out of the house and into my own apartment, but apartments are difficult to find in my area and are very expensive.

I don't know if I'm really ready to stay here for a year. I can commit to the next few months, but a year is tough. I do need to move out of the house regardless, because the peace and serenity I finally felt when AH wasn't home made me feel really good about myself.

I know I need the space.

bluebelle

Can you find a month to month? I've been able to find those before when I didn't want to make a commitment. Or 3 or 6 months? What about renting a part of a house or something?

Loneywife

I will look into that. I've been scouring Craigslist for the past few days and I haven't found hardly anything that's month toonth or short term. I will check into partial house rentals though, I didn't think of that.