sober4metoday

I am a binge drinker. Have been since I was 15 (I'm almost 40). I gave it up for good 9 days ago. I didn't drink everyday or even every week. But when I did I consumed an incredible amount of booze (10+ drinks easily). I've never actually tried to quit before 9 days ago. I woke up then and realize I want better for myself and I deserve better - something I have never told myself previously regarding anything in my life.

I've been feeling really good. REALLY good. Better than I have in, well, ever. I know I can do this and there is nothing I want more than a life of health and sobriety. But something I didn't expect happened to me about an hour ago. Totally caught me off guard. I started feeling sad. Sad about what? I couldn't pinpoint it. Nothing had happened. I've been feeling incredible. Then it hit me. And I started to cry. I buried my friend alcohol 9 days ago (metaphorically speaking). Alcohol has been with me for 25 years, through it all - through my teens, becoming a mother, a wife, divorce, education, jobs - everything. And no matter how unhealthy, destructive and dangerous my friend had been in my life, he was always there for me when I needed him.

I know I will make it through life without alcohol. No, I'm not going to miss him and all the trouble and pain he brought my way. But there are going to be a lot of gaps to fill until I truly get used to him being gone. And I know I'll fill them eventually. For some reason the reality of it hit me today and in a way I hadn't expected it to. Not the reality of sobriety, but the reality that my friend is gone forever.

Once I pulled myself together I logged on to post here. I knew if anyone was to understand me it would be here. Thanks for allowing me to share.

BillyPilgrim

I can understand that. I was with red wine since 15. We did a lot together, he always got me in trouble then disappeared when I had to face the music. He took me to bars, some of which I got beaten up in.
He egged me on to play and then when I felt ill, I couldnt find him.

Glad the b%%tard has gone.

PaperDolls

First of all, congrats on 9 days sober. That's great!

I can relate. I used to think of alcohol as a friend .... then one time I sort of realized.

Alcohol was like that friend you hung out with that picked on you on the playground. You'd forgive him everyday and often times have fun but mostly, he picked on you and you just kept putting up with it. Not really a friend after all.

1undone

I completely understand. I feel like my best friend has been taken away to this day but it's not every moment. I go through days where I'm fine and then it hits me and I become angry with everyone and everything around me. I feel like it's left this emptyness that I have to fill and no matter what I do at this point it's not enough.

There are times I crawl into my bed and just lay there for hours because I can't deal with anything. I know you are probably not this bad but I just really feel empty. I probably felt that way even before I drank the first time at age 16. The difference now is I know about altering my reality as a means to cope. And for me it was a strong and powerful coping mechanism.

The loss does hit you between the eyes when you aren't expecting it. Alcohol is cunning and baffling. It got me good and it really messed me up. It's like being in an abusive relationship. Everyone is telling you to get out but you go back for more because it's familiar. Ugh!

sober4metoday

Well I plan on replacing my friend alcohol with my friend PILATES

PaperDolls

A much better friend.

FLA

I feel for you. Alcohol was my fun, my fun, and my fun. It's so hard to let ago, for me alcohol never really got me into trouble persay.. It got me girls, made dancing more fun, gave me something to do when I was bored, and made me feel amazing. It will make your health slowly fall in the long run. So for me at least, the hardest part is filling all the fun things alcohol had provided me with and replacing them with sober things to do. It's a difficult process, with lots of hurdles to get over. I wish you luck.

sober4metoday

Thanks FLA! If we all stick together we can do this together!

StPeteGrad

The mourning will finally stop when you realize soon that you don't "have" to drink anymore. That is real freedom!

Congrats on a good start. Keep it up.

Purplecatlover

I actually wrote "My Friend" a dear John letter at the encouragement of a therapist.
A time to reflect on the pain he caused me. To say goodbye & the reasons why we can no longer be " friends". I told him how horribly wrong he was for me. How he tricked & deceived me, hurt me,etc.
It was very releasing, if you will.
Reitterated to myself why he doesn't belong in my life.

lovetodrink

i know exactly how you feel man
living sober is hard

nel68

Sober4metoday, I to can relate to how you feel. I also had a friend its name was also alcohol (funny coincidence same name) who died 54 days ago. Sometimes its memory slips into my head during the day ..yes there is a grieving for my frenemy.... then I have to remind myself it is dead...and I'm alive!! Keep up the good work Sober4metoday,loved your post, thanks for sharing May are friend always be dead to us!

Hevyn

I most definitely grieved the 'loss'. I was resentful that I had to give it up all together (or die). As time went on, I realized it wasn't a loss of course. I wasn't losing anything - but gaining a real life, one not lived in a fog with a fake euphoria.

It took about 3 mos. to stop feeling sad. I began to feel thankful & grateful that I'd made it out alive. As the fog lifted, I went through many phases. During each one I grew stronger and became filled with hope for a better life. I know you will, too.