meme33

My live in boyfriend of almost 2 years has realized he is an alcoholic. He has 2 kids (10 & 2) , i have 2 kids (6 & 13), mine are older than his. He LOVES my 6 yr old. My almost 13 yr old and him do not get alone. They are exactly alike. My almost 13 yr old makes mean remarks to me, his brother, my bf... such as "whatever" , "fine then, remember that" , "then im not going to play with u anymore", "fine, stay out of my room" , "then u cant play my game anymore". When his brother is aggravating him, he will push him off him once he has had enough and he will get mad and storm off into his room slamming the door. Last year my bf and he were playing basketball and my bf ( only meaning to PASS IT TO HIM) hummed the ball at my almost 13 yr old which he wasnt ready for and it hit him in the head, he became upset crying and hurt thinking he did it on purpose. My bf walked over to him and said he was sorry and he was just trying to pass it, my son didnt want to hear it, pushed him away and went and sat in the car. some things i yell at my son for and some i wait until a more appropriate time to talk to him about it, some i just give him the look, and rarely i slap him, and the little comments "whatever, the pouting etc, " i just ignore because i see that as a almost teen struggling through a transitional age. Thats the extent of most our problems with my son but out of this- my bf tells me I dont give enough discipline for his comments or pitching a fit etc, he told me and my son he is an a**hole, he calls my son violent, disrespectful, he told him last year "you are the most disrespectful f*****g kid ive ever met" to his face and in front other kids and then the other night in a drunken rage and me catching him trying to smoke synthetic something in the garage i was done! after calling me a wh*** in front of kids, and friends, and my son a f*****g as*hole to me repeatedly and then to MY almost 13 yr old son to his face i told him to leave NOW. He is telling me most of his anger, anxiety and problems stem from drinking and he will quit alcohol all together if i give him one more chance. HE HAD NEVER HIT ME or anything physical. I love him with all my heart... but do i chance it? Do I let him back in and stick by him through sobriety? I am 100% against all drugs "fake" or not and he knew this. Ive caught him hiding alcohol etc but he says this time he is ready to quit... He needs me and wants to grow old with me.... WHAT DO I DO??? I really feel like I am done, but i know I want to be with him so bad, we have alot of good times together but when we dont, could it be the alcohol...i know obviously it is the alcohol when he is drinking, but when he isnt drinking he says its withdrawl symtoms and anixety which he swears will all change if i let him back in and prove to me he quit drinking and will never do it again and show me what better person he is but he cannot do this without my love and support and stability of our home. PLEASE ADVISE.. Im torn and heart broken and he has no place to go in the mean time - OH I FORGOT his father was an alcoholic and so was his mother, he bounced home to home and school to school as a child and teen. He is a good loving man now except when these things happen.

inpieces314

As bad as it seems being with an alcoholic, it will be just as bad being with a recovering alcoholic. People think that problems magically go away with sobriety, and they sadly do not. Chances are, your bf is going to have to work on himself in ways other than drinking. Is he going to do that? Who knows? Only time will tell. He will if he is serious. Or he may be like my bf, and think that once he stops drinking he is 100% cured. Yeah, right.

I could sit there and tell you that your bf's behavior was completely unacceptable, and you should leave, sober or not, whatever. But the truth is, I have been where you are. I have dealt with unacceptable behavior myself, and people on the outside (and I am not talking about here) are telling me that I should leave him, I am stupid for staying, blahblahblah. The fact of the matter is, I am not going to leave until I am ready to, no matter what anyone else says. And it may never get to that point. I hope it doesn't, but I am being realistic.

So you aren't really going to know what to do right this second, but when you find out, you will know what to do. And it will be the right thing for you. If you want to see if he will really get sober, cool. If you want to see if he will change, alright. If you want to see if things stay the same, absolutely. But you are the only one who knows what kind of behavior and actions you will tolerate before it becomes too much.

m1k3

Welcome to SR and ((((hugs))))

I'm am so sorry you are going through this.

In my experience with my AW the good loving person kept getting smaller and smaller and the except kept getting bigger and bigger.

As the adult child of an alcoholic you are not doing your kids any favors if you let him back into their lives.

Your friend,

nodaybut2day

Hi and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you're here. It's a good place to find support and wisdom.

As for your boyfriend, it doesn't matter that he never hit you. He is abusive, verbally and emotionally, and no one deserves that. My XAH (X alcoholic hubby) never dared lay a hand on me, but the abuse he dishes out for years really took its toll on my self-esteem. The fact that your BF is abusing your child is something that really should make you pause and consider how healthy this situation is.

Love is great and all, but it doesn't erase abuse...Perhaps it's time to consider what's more important to you: the love you have for this..."man" or your son's well-being.

This is bull. Talk is cheap...ACTIONS are what speak. If your bf WANTED to find recovery, then it wouldn't matter what you did or didn't do, because nothing and no one would stand in his way. This statement is purely manipulative.

Your post says it all:
He comes from an alcoholic background
He is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you and your son when he drinks
When he doesn't drink he's "going through withdrawal" so he's not nice then either

Let's "play the tape all the way through" here, and imagine that you DO give him another chance...how likely do you think he is to suddenly and magically stop drinking, after years of nose-diving into the bottle, and suddenly become the ideal partner and father figure? Unfortunately, sobriety doesn't cure everything.

If you love this man, then grant him the dignity of finding recovery for himself.

I hope you stick around and keep posting.

Willybluedog

Before I say what I am going to say, I want you to know I grew up in a home with an alcoholic acid-tongued mother who was verbally and physically abusive and a father who was co-dependent, physically and verbally abusive, so I am not coming at this from some Ivory Tower liberal sociology professor BS.

1) Stop slapping you son, NOW, today, never again! You want to ground him, take away his ipod, whatever, fine, but don't hit your kids, it makes them depressed and mean.

2) Get your kids out of there, how can you let your boyfriend verbally abuse your kids like that, what do you think that is doing to them, go over to the ACOA forum and read our stories, you are setting your kids up for a lifetime of issues.

3) Get you and your son to al-anon and ala-teen asap, you both need help.

4) Stop excusing your boyfriends behavior.

onajourney

am sorry you are in this situation it is really awful. i left my ex as my DD saw him passed out on the floor, loo, sofa etc and decided enough. took long time and till i was ready noone could make me see what they did, and i needed to do it in my own time. eh would not move his home was his castle and we were together over ten years.
support your son, stop physical hurts and find another way, love him hug him and talk to him. look after yourself and your children as your bf sounds like he is not in a position to now.
noone can make your choices for you but you can put yourself and children first even while you remain there, can he move out till he sorts himself out.
my ex would not and in the end we went but your life is yours and you need to access all the support you can , put yourself and children first as noone else will to the same degree you can.
my DD is my life now, noone will ever do to her what he did, sorry if that sounds strong. hugs x