Marytherboo

So AH has been in rehab for less than 2 weeks and the facility called me yesterday and said they are planning on discharging him today. At that point (3pm) they had not yet told him of this plan. No one can tell me why this is happening. They say AH has been working hard and successfully (after that little incident a week ago where he stormed off and then came back sober and got himself readmitted), but they have offered no relapse prevention training, no family counseling,no options (sober housing, etc), for him except coming right back to the situation he obviously couldn't handle before. It may be an insurance issue, but no one will give me any real information.

I made my concerns very clear to the counselor who called me, and she said they would revisit the decision this morning and let me know.

But what am I supposed to do now? AH has been fulfilling his part of the deal, so I can't really walk away. But I don't want to give up the peace and quiet just yet! I'm not ready, he's not ready, there are no family willing to take him in (they're all at least a thousand miles away anyway), and there's no time or extra $$ to make any kind of plan. I'm scared to death and feel like my hands are tied.

Praying to keep my sanity about me.

naive

hi mary-

you don't have to give up the peace and quiet. there is no deal. it's his life and he's an adult.

if you don't want him back in the house, you are free to refuse him.

you can call the rehab center and say you are not taking him back.

what about buying him a greyhound bus ticket and he can go home. i wouldn't get involved with anyone without one year solid sobriety under their belt, and even then, i probably would not get involved eith. you can send him home to his family and he can seek recovery there, or not.

you are free in this moment. it is your life. you can take it back.
naive

inpieces314

What kind of rehab is only 12 days? What the EFF?! AND how are they not giving him any kind of outpatient care AT ALL?!

I agree with you, it totally sounds like an insurance issue. But I agree with naive, if he is coming back to the situation he couldn't handle before, it's best for him not to be there. Or he is going to end up back in this rehab, or dead, or in jail.

He did try. Talk to him and see where's he's mentally at, so you know what you need to do.

akrasia

How long was it originally supposed to be for?

I agree with naive. If you're not ready to have him back, don't have him back.

Now would actually be a good time to make this known.

When the rehab people phone you again, you can just tell them, "That's fine, that's your decision. Thanks for letting me know. He's not coming back here."

Let them deal with it. Give them the contact numbers of his relatives, wish them a good day, and hang up.

He hasn't even contacted you himself? Is it possible he's told them he wishes to leave? In any event, if he's not even contacted you, no need to even try to get in touch with him.

I remember once when AH went missing he ended up in Liverpool. I'd called the police because he'd just randomly taken off without any heart medication and been gone for like five days. When the police found him they phoned me and said, "The hotel staff have said he can't stay longer and so you need to go collect him." I told them thanks for letting me know he was all right but I wouldn't be collecting him. The hotel staff could do what they had to do but I wasn't going to take off a day's work to go drive and pick up a filthy belligerent man and bring him home. Are you kidding?

nodaybut2day

The previous posters are right: you have a choice. Your hands are not tied.

There are other places where he can go. He's a grown man. Let him figure out the next step, as all this is a direct consequence of HIS CHOICE.

naive

freedom. elusive freedom. sweet freedom!

mary, bernadette here used to always say "you are free in this moment". i didn't feel free. i felt trapped. self, i'd say, you are trapped. you have no money. you have no job. you have a broken shoulder. your family is 3000 miles away.

but everyday, bernadette would remind me "you are free in this moment"

and one day, sitting in my garden, i felt the shackles fall off my feet and everything brightened. and i walked out of the prison of my own making. oh, he was still sitting there, moaning about how unfair life was but i was somewhere else. i think this is the miracle of recovery. just keep doing "the next right thing"...it's a journey and awareness doesn't come in one day but sometimes, it does come in an instant.

the door is unlocked. open it.

MsPINKAcres

((Mary))

Hate so much that this is happening ~ it is sad that he is not getting the help he needs to fight the disease.

I agree to a point with what the others are saying about YOU do have a choice in this matter. If you feel you are not ready for him to come back home ~ you might want to explore your options. . .

As time is short, you might need to do somethings as fast as possible. . .

depending on the laws in your state ~ You may not "legally" have the the right to refuse him a place to stay; especially if the home is community property ~ only an attorney can give you answers on this matter ~

I believe it might be in your best interest to contact someone for legal advise on how to protect yourself financially and legally in all areas of this matter ~ whether he comes back in the home or not; whether he stays sober or not.

Everyone has choices ~ it is up to us to find out what those are and to seek guidance from our Higher Power to find out what is the best ones for us to make for our own individual situation.

Prayers & PINK HUGS for the best for you & yours!

Rita

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like a bad rehab .... no support or advice after discharge? I suggest doing a Google search for a local addiction doctor. Send him there for help. Good luck!

tjp613

Yeah, I was thinking "crappy rehab" too.... I'd probably send a complaint letter to the state licensing board

blwninthewind

A: He LEFT rehab. Insisted you come get him and you refused. THAT is why he returned. HE HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. That doesn't mean he CHOSE recovery...he just didn't have anything better to go to .

B: YES YOU CAN. You don't owe him a thing. It's okay for you to say "you've done detox through rehab...now you need to find a program and work it. I want to hear you've done 90 mtgs in 90 days and have a 3 month chip in your hand before we revisit the issue of our relationship and consider marriage counseling.... OR a 6 month chip...or a YEAR chip...


Let me ask you this....is he working? does he have a job to return to? This is just nuts for you to be expected to say "omg your cured...come back honey!"..we all know that isn't the case.

Cyranoak

...or it might be they are protecting the other people who so badly need their services from him and his inappropriate behavior.

Rehabs, many of which are private businesses, often kick people out. They have rigid rules designed to protect their own business, the people they serve, and their own employees. When patients become too out of control or are clearly not doing what they are being asked to do it is time for them to go. They see alcoholics and addicts more than any of us, and in all different forms, and they typically brook no ******** and usually can't be played as easily as we can.

They direct their resources to people who have shown they want the help and will benefit from it. They don't flush them down the toilet for people who have not.

If it were simply insurance they'd have likely asked her for money (which is what my wife's rehab did). It is highly, highly likely he's being discharged because of his behavior.

I feel bad for the OP, and it could be a bad rehab, but more likely what is really happening is he's being held accountable for his own behavior. Even rehab centers can't help somebody who won't be helped.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

BobbyJ

DIG YOUR HEELS IN THE SADDLE...and tell him NO!

Why let go of your peace in your home?

He is an adult...Tell him to go find his own place...Dont let him ****' on your parade

naive

hey mary, how are you today?

and i just want you to know if you do take him back, we understand that too. cause we all did it also!

and i want to highlight cyranoak's opinion that he's getting kicked out...that makes sense to me...

Noodler

Thank you for your posts Naive, especially, needing a year of sobriety before considering anything, this has helped me make a decision on detachment. Mine is a RAH of 4 wks, third time in 3 years. After 33 yrs of marriage this has been the most diff decision of my life and have been going to and fro with that decision for many years. But the more I read affirmation of this way, to detach, the more it becomes clearer. I am in the slow process of moving into my sisters but cannot make the complete break as my 20 yr old son is at home too. But after this post Im nearer to it, knowing its the right thing to do really really helps. Im in the process of working my early recovery, when I read this it brought clarity. Thanks

sesh

Marytherboo, sorry you're going through this. I can imagine how hard it is on you.
My heart goes out to you.

I agree with other posters that you have a choice, but I understand completely it can feel as you don't. Been in your shoes too many times. I stood by my RAH for years, most of the time I felt I owe it to him, to our kids, never stoped to think what do I owe to myself, or even when I did it didn't feel as important.

Now my RAH is in recovery for 10 months, maybe longer, I don't count any more, he is working hard on his recovery, and he is very determined never to drink again. The harder he is working on it the more aware I'm becoming it was never my fight to win, and I always had a choice. Lately I'm struggling quite a bit with that fact, with those choices that were there for me but I never made. I feel resentment building up in me, because in all those years I was never true to myself, I never took care of myself, I made myself a martyr,... I did all that myself, and now it is very hard to forgive myself for doing it, instead of filling my life things that could have bring me hapiness.
It feels like I have wasted 10 years of my life, my 30's, and I can never have that back. Nothing I did never made any difference in regard to my RAH sobriety, he started persuing it only when he himself decided to. When I see things in that light it is very hard to make sense of my sacrifices, it feels as it was all for nothing, as it never made any difference to anyone, it just made my own life miserable.

I don't know if any of this helps. I hope it does.
Take care

naive

my dear sesh-

while many would argue that the point of this life is to be happy, i disagree. for myself, the point of this life is to have various experiences and learn and, hopefully, grow towards the truth.

personal growth is slow in times of ease and happiness. in times of conflict, we learn what we are made of, we begin to know ourselves: our limits, our bottom, our stregths and our weaknesses.

and those that choose to grow, begin to respect all life. and included in all life, is ourselves. and included in respecting all life is learning to let people live their own lives without trying to control or manage them.

this too was my weakness: to extend the same mercy and forgivenss to myself that i offer to others.

as a co-dependent, my focus was always outwards "helping" others. as i ceased "fixing" everything, i was left to now face myself. i had to accept all of me, the good and the bad.

i got stuck there, in regret. i wallowed there for some time, blaming myself. i became depressed.

ultimately, what i discovered was that at it's root, it was a fear of death. subconscioulsly, a way to cheat life. if i stopped growing, i could avoid death by stalling life itself!

it was only through meditation that i could rise above my lower self and find love and mercy for my self manifest as naive and all of her struggles and all of her poor choices and naivity.

You can have respect, love and compassion for your wonderful struggle, for your wonderful honesty even while you also see the still existing dishonesty, the cowardice, and all the other ugly little attitudes of the lower self, without ever forgetting who you really are.

the challenge, for me, is to try to maintain my connection with my higher self and ignore the clamour of the little self. and to do that, it is important for me to stay in the present. there is no point in rehashing the past, it doesn't exist except in my memory.

all we have is right now.

naive

noodler, i'm delighted you are choosing freedom!

things will become clearer once you get out of the fire and get some peace at your sister's.

what i experienced was a bunch of emotions all over the place. expect this. for me, it was like i had numbed myself so much as a survival strategy that when i got some peace, it all came up. ride it out. it will pass.

Noodler

Thank you Sesh, It makes absoulute sense to me, Thats my story too. Why did I stay? Where was I when this was going for 10-15 years and my conviction that I should stay and sort it out. I feel one main reason is the word alcoholic doesnt raise its head till the end of this line and it was then 2 years ago at crisis point I was told he was an alcoholic, but I didnt believe it then. Its only been recently in the last 6 mths that its sunk it, acceptance I think. That takes a while. Then learning your part in it? My part? what part have I played its not my problem? oh Right I ve enabled, knew it deep down instinctively, but couldnt articulate it. Im now learning about my enabling, oh and how I enabled. But have now accepted my future role which is learning to detach emmotionally, see it as his alcoholism not mine, think for myself, leave him to his and get alife of my own, take a year out from relationship, wasnt much of one anyway. Make no final decisions until that moments comes of clarity, im learning, starting to feel a little confident, although the moments of doubt and sadness are still dominent, I feel some feelings of seperation now and it feels ok and relieving. Its a start.
I believe this site has done that for me sesh. Theres no pat on the back for us we have to do that for ourselves.

Noodler

Thanks Naive, Oh my, I have used that word "Numb" over the last year to express myself to him, before I started to educate myself this last month. I understand what your saying, when I first starting staying at my sisters I couldnt wait to return, to return to the chaos of course. But now eventhough its not familiar and its not my home, i have learned to embrace change and get used to it and get used to being myself. Thank you for you imput, I know im learning from the best of us!!!