CanfixONLYme

... yes, they quack but I could listen to them all day long and feel at peace with their little 'chit-chatter'. I'm likening my AH (we are separated) to a seagull... esp., the one from "Finding Nemo" where all it says is "MINE... MINE...MINE... MINE... MINE.!!!!!"

Sigh, anyway, I got sucked back into the codie vortex and I didn't even realize I was so far in again until the other day. I had posted a few weeks ago about being connected with my AH via fb etc., and got good advice to block him. Did I? No, of course not. I thought I could "handle' it... esp. since I put 'boundaries' up ("Don't email me, text or respond to me on fb. Just leave it for a while and we'll connect in a few months once you start really focusing on your recovery and I get a chance to get my head on straight again."). Ya, didn't happen. ;(

I was all bliss having no contact for almost a week after I had 'boundaried' myself up and was a having a lovely relaxing Friday eve, when I get a call out of the blue. I didn't recognize the # but didn't think it was AH because of the aforementioned agreement and I'm looking for employment right now, so I thought it was a lead on a job.

He mentioned he was in the City after visiting the doctor about his arm (which was broken while he was working up North) and apparently, the doc is going to recommend him to train for a completely new profession. I really wasn't in the mood to chat and I was getting really angry every second I was on the phone with him. I realize now it's because he totally disregarded MY WISHES and BOUNDARIES! I said I wasn't feeling well, that I was having stomach issues (I have IBS) and all he could do was sound really disappointed and mumbled goodbye. THIS should have been my fecking RED FLAG (him not giving a crap about my health, just about himself... and how he's upset I don't want to see him).... but of course I didn't...

He starts texting me on fb (and of course it shocked me... it always does...) at what he's saying to me - the usual ("it feels awful you don't want to see me" - "I'm just saying how I feel, I can c boundaries but after this long not wanting to c me breaks my heart. I'm sorry you're not well... I'm just starting to get concerned.")

However folks, THIS was the statement that I TOOK the bait and FREAKED OUT at him:

"70 days and with the commitment to change should warrant some change between us. There has been little progress on your end it seems."

Oh man, I was FURIOUS. I should have (should should should!) left his stupid rants with no answer and blocked him but of course, I felt I had to put him in his place ... MAKE him SEE the TRUTH (codie much?!) ... and met up with him at a coffee shop. Ja, you don't have to tell me how stupid this was... I'm doing a great job beating myself up for my lack of smarts these days.

We had a "controlled" argument... me telling t him how selfish etc., he was and that he was lucky I was even TALKING to him every once in a while.

No breakthrough - (I'm just not that powerful) - because he just shot back that I was the one with all the control and was being really selfish, that he's upset that I don't even bother wearing my wedding ring anymore and look here he is with his on.

<ROOOARRRRRR!>

Me: "Listen you jackass! I still have my wedding ring... THE ORIGINAL ONE... while YOU ARE ON YOUR FOURTH F*CKING RING!!!! How is THAT honouring ME or our MARRIAGE!? You haven't done s*it to warrant me WANTING to wear the damn thing so take your manipulative garble and shut the feck up!!!"

I rarely get angry in public and can count on my one hand me blowing up in that manner and shouting obscenities. I literally went ballistic.

He looked at me with these eyes SO WIDE and was so quiet... He then changed his tune really quick and apologized saying he had a tough week (quack quack MINE MINE MINE!!!)...

Anyway, the jist of all of this is, we 'talked' but after I had gotten home, I felt like sh*t for about 4 days afterwards. My stomach was in turmoil, I had headaches and stayed in bed for most of the time. He ended up getting in big doo doo because he had come into town with his roommate from recovery and let this guy go 'and visit his mum' while my AH stayed at the coffee shop (to harass me online and then in person - yes, my fault I know).
Anyway, AH's roomie RELAPSED but came back 3 days later.

My AH now has triple restrictions for 30 days (meaning he can't crap without permission - and that means NO CONTACT on his end). I am literally JOYOUS and HAPPY beyond belief. I have more energy, I'm HAPPY and feel like the big bad monster has been locked up for a while to give me some needed peace. I'm glad he got in trouble. His selfishness of not sticking with his roomie as promised in their POA (plan of action) could have been catostrophic... yes, it was the roomies choice to relapse, but AH SHOULD have been with him... he would not have done so otherwise. And of course, AH is pissed for having these restrictions placed on him.

He just doesn't fecking get it... it's all "MINE MINE MINE MINE" even when he's blatantly in the wrong.

I know I have gotten my back up with strong minded people (not a bad thing) on this forum about how every person's situation is different etc., and that we all reach our bottoms in our own time. I still adhere to that, but cripes... I SEE... I FINALLY SEE that until the addict TRULY SURRENDERS and COMMITS themselves to SOBRIETY in every way (physically, spiritually, mentally)... then ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH THEM IS DETRIMENTAL TO MY HEALTH, MENTAL and SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING! (ding ding ding!) - bell going on in my head.

I JUST GOT IT... RIGHT NOW. I'm pretty disappointed in myself of how much I seem to improve (when I'm not on these boards, I'm doing good for me - which is good news right?) and then BLAM! I'm back mentally where I was 6 months ago.

So... this is what I've done for myself: I have blocked him now from fb, and am going to AL-ANON and NARANON meetings (one tomorrow and Sat lined up!!) - keeping myself busy with my life and should he contact me after his 30 days restrictions (he will), I'm going to tell him that until I am advised by key people who work at his recovery centre (the director and advocate) that he's in a good place of recovery with no manipulative, bullying tactics up his sleeve, I'm "done" him. I spoke with the advocate and he's in full agreement of my decision.

I have resigned myself that my AH may never reach this good place of recovery... and I'm not waiting around to see if he does. I am moving on. If it's meant to be that our paths cross again in a healthy, loving and NORMAL way, then so be it. If I'm honest with myself, I just don't think that's going to happen. There's always miracles of course, but I'm not betting that I'm going to be one of the 2% that actually has a happy ending. I'm jaded yeah... but that's me. Anyone who still has HOPE, hang on to it... cherish it, but first and foremost... CHERISH YOURSELF FIRST ABOVE ANYTHING ELSE!

So now I'm left alone (yay! I'm really happy about that... love it!) dealing with what feels like PTSD and trying to get MY LIFE back on track SOLO. Even tho I feck up every once in a while still, I think my bounce back time is much better because I'm pretty darn happy this eve and very much at peace with things. Yay!

Hope everyone has a relaxing and serene eve...

(and ps. Manipulators suck the big one).

lesliej

CFOnlyYou,

maybe you just had to have that last release.
I had the same thing with the ex, used to whine about my claddagh ring being turned to symbolize single...even though he didn't even give it to me, then after our valentines date, after I turned the ring back around to signal being spoken for, he went out and disappeared on crack!

i don't even think they are quite aware of their twisted manipulations, they are so selfish they don't even see themselves! it is truly bizarre. i truly believe that my ex does not see himself, he is hijacked my himself...the addiction blinds him to his own behavior in order to survive he lies to himself. really bizarre.

it sounds like we are in a similar mood, sort of joyful...an almost euphoric sense of freedom. my ex has built his own wall on my boundary by blaming me, and I helped him do it today! your ex has built his own wall on your boundary by f'ing up. we both will get some peace for awhile, and while we do we will need to figure out how to keep the boundary strong on our side.

freedom feels good.

CanfixONLYme

Hi lesliej...

Ja... it was a release - esp. on here. It's nice to be able to vent and just get it out... the shame, anger, embarrassment etc., that comes with being a codie. I hope I'm on the right track and ja, I think too we are on a pretty similar page.

I absolutely agree with what you say that it's going to take some effort (and backbone) to keep these boundaries strong but I think I can do it and know you can too!

Freedom DOES feel good! Yippee!

Impurrfect

(((COFM))) - I don't even want to think about how many codie bottoms I've hit, since I have a few codies/A's in my family.

I am living proof that no matter what I know and learn? I'm not going to get it until I get it...something finally snaps and I think "OMG, THAT'S what everyone has been saying all along"!!!

I have no choice, right now, but to live with my dad (has turned codie) and stepmom (A, ACOA, codie-to-the-core) thanks to the consequences of my own addiction.

I do pretty well, for the most part, but recently got sucked back into codie land...to the point where it was jeopardizing my addiction recovery (that's what led me to drugs in the first place).

I clung to SR and everyone else I knew of for dear life. I was overwhelmed at the support I got. I went to bed, woke up clean.

We're human. We have days where we wonder if we've learned a darned thing (at least *I* did) but we have our recovery tools, and if that means coming here and venting? We figure it out.

VERY proud that you managed to get out of all this and are standing on your own two feet, with a backbone

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CanfixONLYme

Thanks Amy!! I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning!

I am so glad that you got the support and love you needed here to not go to that dark place you have fought so hard to conquer. I am REALLY SUPER DUPER PROUD OF YOU!!!

I lurk on this forum when I'm in a mental pickle (my new made up term) with my AH and voraciously read through all of the recent postings in both forums to try to glean anything I can use in my life. I post when I have it all 'bunged up' in my head and need to just get out. I know my vents can be a little long... maybe one day it will help someone to go "man, I'm NOT going to ever do that" and learn from my many mistakes.

I see that you (and many others) who have been on here for years take the time to come on and give good advice, to cheer people up etc., even if you aren't having your own mental pickle happening... I think that's awesome.

Me... when I'm feeling 'okay' - I actually forget all about this site. I'm hoping that's not bad because I do think of people here often and wonder how they are getting along.

I'm just really happy that people like you are on here ... it's an amazing refuge and one that I gather strength and hope from for myself after being on here.

Thanks!! And thanks to all of you who take so much time out of your busy lives to come on here and to 'be here' for those who need it so much.

Big hugs!!! xo!

Ann

As we change ourselves, we begin to adjust to peace and quiet, to serenity, to being able to think about what "we" want for our future...and it feels good.

If our addicts don't change themselves, they try to sabotage our recovery so things can be "the same" again...exactly what WE don't want. They push the old buttons..."you are selfish", "you don't care about me", "I can't get/stay clean without your support"...quack, quack, quack.

You have changed, and you feel better today because of that change. Don't give it up, girl, you are worth all the effort it took to get yourself this far.

It's okay to take care of ourselves first, it's okay to plan a future based on OUR dreams, it's okay to refuse to live in the shadow of their addiction, it's okay to move forward even when they are stuck...it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

You will be fine, just keep looking ahead and embracing your own dreams.

Hugs

CanfixONLYme

Awww! Thanks ladies! Your comments mean a lot to me. Looking ahead to embrace my dreams IS a good thing and ya, the second statement IS a happy ending!

Thanks again.

lesliej

CanFixOnlyMe,

This last time, and the time before, (the last two "relapses"/"binge use" whatever...) that I detached more and more and more from the A, what I realized in my increasing clarity was this:
It was almost like life was just waiting for me, to drop the baggage of being in a destructive energy-draining situation, in order to hand me beautiful gifts of vocationally fulfilling events.

One of my character defects, I like to call them "distortions" is that I am a hopeless romantic (emphasize hopeless?) and that. given the opportunity to wallow around in the intoxicating elixir of love chemicals I will do it, that is rather than really put the full effort into the work that I may just have been put here to do. Granted I still got a lot of it done, and granted that in between binges my A was very supportive of my work, but mostly the last two years A LOT of my energy has gone to trying to maintain a relationship with a crack binger.

My dream/vocation/opportunities are reappearing again, almost immediately. I do have my dreams being fulfilled. But I will admit that in the weakness of my "distortions" there is a part of me that mourns the romantic dream...there is a part of me, even in my resolve, that quietly yearns for his call; his apology, his begging and promising. In a flash moment I imagine us marrying. It's embedded deep.

Like you, I come here to read and soak up the reality of what a relationship with an addict is like. I am not married so I don't have to go through the legal hassle of separation. (I had him move out of my house four months ago) I do not have the heart breaking situation of parenting with him, he did not steal from me (yet), I never caught him cheating on me (yet), and he did not physically abuse me. So I want to quit the horrible game with this progressive disease while I'm ahead. I read here to remind me of what it could be like if I continue my codependent attachment. My dream/fantasy of marrying him could come true...he has already set a date in his head. Now it is up to me to focus on what parts of my life dream I am going to nurture. And I will use SR to remind myself that my hopeless dream is dangerous.

outtolunch

This was an attempt to control his behavior, not a boundary. Attempts to control other people's behaviors usually fail.

Boundaries are established to control our own behaviors and we alone have responsibility for enforcing them on ourself. If your boundary is to go no contact with this guy, you block his number, access to your FB page and let email go to spam. When you do this you are enforcing your own boundary.

FindingJoy

Just learned about a new cell phone app called something like "the don't call list" and you can program the phone numbers and length of time that your phone will block you from call them. Obviously you have the control to change it so they suggest you ha e a trusted trend create the password and not tell you.

My guess is a codie created this app. Oh and it's only 99 cents.

Another tool that's in our control.