Struggling with Negativity Tonight
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Struggling with Negativity Tonight
I have been all over the map lately; one day I feel good, fairly calm, serene, accepting of the things I cannot control. And the very next day I will be a mess...angry, agitated, depressed.
Today is definitely the latter. I'm sitting here, alone (my AH works second shift), mad as hell that I no longer have a husband who comes home and puts his arms around me. Now I have a husband who sits in the chair and pounds beer after beer after beer before collapsing into bed, his back turned to me. I feel such irrational fury that my AH chooses beer over me every single day (of course I *know* it's not really a choice, but when I get in these moods I have a hard time maintaining that perspective).
On nights like this, even when I acknowledge that I am powerless over my husband's addiction, I feel deeply depressed about that. Even though I know I have choices, I feel trapped by this disease. It just plain sucks that alcohol now comes before everything else for him. Before me, before our son, our home, our dogs, my daughters...everything. I know that's the nature of the disease, but it still sucks.
Then I start to get very down on myself, about how I have tolerated behavior that never in a million years did I ever, EVER think I would tolerate. What is WRONG with me?
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day; more serene, calmer, happier. I'm going to do everything I can to make it that way.
Today is definitely the latter. I'm sitting here, alone (my AH works second shift), mad as hell that I no longer have a husband who comes home and puts his arms around me. Now I have a husband who sits in the chair and pounds beer after beer after beer before collapsing into bed, his back turned to me. I feel such irrational fury that my AH chooses beer over me every single day (of course I *know* it's not really a choice, but when I get in these moods I have a hard time maintaining that perspective).
On nights like this, even when I acknowledge that I am powerless over my husband's addiction, I feel deeply depressed about that. Even though I know I have choices, I feel trapped by this disease. It just plain sucks that alcohol now comes before everything else for him. Before me, before our son, our home, our dogs, my daughters...everything. I know that's the nature of the disease, but it still sucks.
Then I start to get very down on myself, about how I have tolerated behavior that never in a million years did I ever, EVER think I would tolerate. What is WRONG with me?
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day; more serene, calmer, happier. I'm going to do everything I can to make it that way.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What is wrong with you is the same thing that was wrong with most of us at one time or another: You're part of s family with alcoholism running the show. It's such an equalizing disease - it doesn't care if you're rich or poor or smart or dumb or Buddhist or Muslim or atheist...
That is - the fact that your AH is an A doesn't say anything about your intelligence or your value.
You can take your power back over your life. I know you can, because I did. You can build your own life with or without your AH. I did both (in that order).
And you're never as alone as you feel on nights like this. We are many who are or have been there, who listen and understand and would like to give you big hugs tonight.
That is - the fact that your AH is an A doesn't say anything about your intelligence or your value.
You can take your power back over your life. I know you can, because I did. You can build your own life with or without your AH. I did both (in that order).
And you're never as alone as you feel on nights like this. We are many who are or have been there, who listen and understand and would like to give you big hugs tonight.
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