kmangel

My son has a lot of friends from grade school to present day that went down the same path as he, getting addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, several of whom have either committed suicide over the years or died of overdoses. One of his dearest friends is probably the most messed up young man of all his friends. This friend has defied death many times. With my son going through rehab last June and no longer in active addiction, he is very concerned for the welfare of his friend. My son wants his friend to overcome his addiction and straighten his life around.

I just think it is so curious that on Facebook he communicated with the mother of this young man that his friend must decide to get help, talking up the wonderful benefits of AA and all it entails--yet he himself refuses AA. When he came out of rehab last June he decided he didn't need it. He was not an alcoholic. Sure he recognizes he has an opiate addiction, but he claims alcohol was never a problem to him. I think he doesn't want to face the AA requirements of no mind altering substances. Yet to this friend's mother he is very supportive of his friend attending AA. You'd think from reading his comments he attends AA.

It baffles me the disconnect addicts have with the truth. What's good for someone else he's above needing.

Once upon a time I would have believed he actually meant what he said to his friend's mother and be hopeful he was perhaps rethinking his attending AA. I'm learning to only believe a small portion of what I am told.

sojourner

kmangel: Ditto on my son with friends from grade school on. But my other two sons also were friends at a very young age with people who went on into drug use - but those 2 sons separated themselves from them.

Anyway, is your son open to you reading his posts on FB - esp the conversation with the friend's mother? If the answer is yes, then I would call your son out on his contradiction. It probably does not need a serious sit-down-I-need-to-talk-to-you setting but just a lighthearted calling out. He needs that. You need that. Otherwise you'll start harboring negative feelings toward him.

inpieces314

I have heard from my boyfriend who is both an alcoholic and a drug addict that he does not like AA, because of the way they do things. He will go to NA meetings (well, not currently, but he has many times) instead. I told him he was full of it but I have heard from others that it is the same for them.

My mother told me the other day that my alcoholic grandfather does not go to AA but goes to church. More power to him.

I think that each and every addict needs something to replace the hole in them that taking the drugs away created. I do believe that the programs work, but I also believe that it does not matter if you are in a program or not if you have found something that works. Your son has to have found something, because he is not in active addiction anymore. What's even better, he is concerned for his friend, which shows that he is recognizing the consequences of the disease. It is annoying that he doesn't realize that what will help his friend will help him, but maybe he really does and he just isn't saying anything to anyone. It's kind of hard to deny the logic that AA works. Millions of people have quit drinking because of it. Maybe he is starting to realize that he needs to go to a couple meetings himself. Or maybe he would be willing to go to support his friend, when of course he would be helping himself as well.

JustAYak

I don't know if I would say that he thinks he's above needing it... I don't go to AA or NA and I suggest new people go to the meetings all the time on this board. I suggest it because you never know what's going to work for another person. Everybody who wants recovery will find their own way. I chose to follow SMART recovery, they hardly have meetings and none are close to me now, but they do have tools I have put to use that make sense to me. They keep all the religious junk out of it which is a huge stumbling block for a lot of addicts. I recommend SMART recovery to people too. I recommend SR and therapy (both of which I utilize). AA/NA didn't work for me...doesn't mean it won't work for somebody else. It's all about options.

Keep your nose out of his recovery, all you can do is be happy that whatever he is doing is working for now. AA/NA is not the ONLY way... codies need to realize this just as much as recovering addicts do.

Focus on your recovery, that's what's important.

JustAYak

Sojourner, I'm confused. Why does he need that? If he is clean there is no reason to push your opinion of what he should and should not do upon him. He obviously found something that is working for him. HE gets to decide what type of program and recovery he needs, not a mom. I would disagree with you and say that neither of them need to do that. To do so would only be indulging your codie behavior...trying to "fix" things to your satisfaction by calling him out on his contradiction. It won't work. If you're harboring negative feelings because of this, then you need to take a look at yourself because you're getting upset that he's not following the common way of recovery you prefer. That just screams "control issues" to me. Part of the 3 C's... "You can't control it." Focus on your recovery, only yours. It's hard but once you find that balance, you won't want to go back.

kmangel

I understand his recovery is his business.

He has spent seven months laying around my house, talking to his drug addicted friends, not working, etc., yet tells his friend's mother how important it is to work on one's recovery, work, go to AA, etc. I have listened to these types of comments for seven months, hopeful he actually meant them. He says one thing but does another. Maybe he knows what he should be doing and what others should do, but just doesn't practice what he preaches. As a Mom I just wish he practiced what he preaches.

He just moved out so I wont be so privy with his daily activities which will help me stay out of his business better.

JustAYak

Ah, now I understand this better. I think you're right, he's not doing a very good job at keeping up with his responsibilities such as getting a job and I'm not sure what's up with the keeping in contact with drug addicted friends? Sounds like a surefire way to relapse to me... now I see where you're coming from. Makes sense now. Thanks for clarifying. I hope he continues to stay clean, but only he can walk that path and decide what to do. Perhaps he will wise up and start to dig into recovery and put forth a little more effort that you would like to see. For now he is a clean though, I guess enjoy it while it lasts, never know when things will take a turn.

soberlicious

Do I understand this to mean that he is clean from opiates, but drinks alcohol?

outtolunch

I think sometimes we blame too much on addiction. Most people do the "do as I say, not as I do " thing from time to time.

People use FB for all sorts of things including projecting an image. I take most stuff I read on FB with a grain of salt.

inpieces314

AKA, NOT sober.

Yeah, I have heard of alcoholics hating AA when they don't want to stop drinking. It ruins their buzz, I hear.

soberlicious

My point exactly. If he is abusing something other than his DOC, there will be a disconnect with the truth because he is still in in active addiction.

kmangel

Yes. He (so far) does not get drunk, just has a couple beers once or twice a week (if at all). Drinking was a problem when he was a teenager--long before opiates came into the picture. He doesn't want to attend AA/NA type meetings because of the requirement not to use any mind altering substances. He could find some other kind of group to participate in, but he hasn't. So when I read how he seems to be so supportive of AA, I thought to myself if only he really meant it and didn't just talk the talk.

soberlicious

There are many paths to take, but he is going to be hard pressed to find one that supports an addict using any kind of drug. I am of the opinion that as long as he is using mind/mood altering substances of any kind, he remains in active addiction.

and, cynical one, I agree that disconnect with the truth is not reserved for addicts.

EnglishGarden

In a conversation on television last night, a recovering addict (now a drug counselor) said that in early recovery she wanted to get off heroin and crack but was unwilling to accept the idea that she could also never use alcohol, pills, pot, etc.

She said what was really underneath her resistance was that she could not imagine life without using substances. She could not imagine how she would cope with life without some form of mind-altering substances.

Your son wants his friend to be well and your son is "carrying the message" of AA to him. Your son may just not be quite there regarding his own ability to let go of all drugs.

But more will unfold and he is in God's care. So just keep taking good care of yourself, km, and your recovery from codependency, and know that it is a disease you did not cause and cannot cure. But you can pray.

God bless your son.

lonelystar

I have heard my son talk to others about there problems as well, his friends ,parents of girlfriends I was just baffled at hearing the words come out of his mouth. All that i could come up with is that he definetly knows what needs to be done since he is so good at preaching it but just plain and simply wont follow what he knows , he wasnt ready then and isnt ready now, he just likes to get high there are alot of excuses i could come up with but honestly im just so upset that all i see is his need to get Messed up cause it feels so good otherwise why would anyone knowingly keep hurting themselves?????, the high is just too good even when its bad...........just a living nightmare