Advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tyler, TX
Posts: 2
Advice?
I'm new to SR. I posted this is the newcomer forum, but I figured I'd put it here too.
Ok. I'm not really accustomed to asking for help or advice, but I'm way out of my league. I am not an alcoholic, or addict of any other kind (as far as I am aware). I am, however, the daughter of an alcoholic. I'm 27 and I have almost zero memories of my father sober. He wasn't just a drunk, he was a mean drunk and, though my mom and my siblings took the brunt of the physical abuse, we all suffered. Now my father has been sober for a few years and has remarried. Which is all fine and good and I wish him well. Meanwhile, I've been in therapy for years for treatment of Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome and para-alcoholism (which is apparently where you take on the personality characteristics of an alcoholic [the lying, the anger, the shame, the blame-shifting, etc] without actually having to drink. I've made a lot of improvement and it helped to be able to understand why I was doing the things I was doing. But it never really goes away, awareness only goes so far. And good luck trying to get anyone to recognize para-alcoholism as an actual thing, by the way. Regardless...
So, here's the current situation. About a year ago, I was engaged and when my engagement broke up, I moved in with a guy who I would call a friendly aquaintance (strictly a roommate situation). At the time that I moved in, I was a social drinker. I never really went to bars or clubs unless it was for a specific event and if I drank alone, I had a glass of wine. Sometimes I got drunk, I won't lie, but it was always in a group setting with other drinkers. The guy that I moved in with, however, was an alcoholic. Having grown up with an alcoholic, I recognized the signs in all of about 3 seconds. We had several heart to heart's and I think he was just at a point where he was ready to quit so he started going to AA. I stopped drinking around him and we got rid of all the alcohol in the house. Some people told me that it was dumb for me to make sacrifices for someone else's problem. Those people did not grow up around this disease and I told them to shut up. After he quit drinking, my roommate became UNBEARABLE. I tried to be patient and understanding and tolerant. Really, I did. But, suddenly, I was the devil. Everything I did, everything I didn't do was damnable. The things he told people about me were so exaggerated that I couldn't fathom how anyone could even believe them. Whatever. Naturally, his friendships with people started to dissolve and our house became an unofficial AA hangout. It was really annoying. They would drink espresso and play freaking board games until 3am when I had to be at work early. However, always the mindful hostess, I never said anything. Live and let live. I don't care. I've got my own stuff going on.
There was one guy who came over all the time that wasn't incessantly irritating. We would sit out on the back porch and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes (I guess I am an addict after all) and just talk. He was pretty cool. I was completely shocked when he asked me out. I did not see that coming at all. But, after much persistence on his part, I agreed and it all went well. We totally hit it off and everything was sunshine and puppies...for a while. He is 3 years older than me and we're from the same town. He told me his story (not gory details...more of a blurry watercolor). Between you, me and the internet, he was kind of a s*!thead back in the day. He's on felony probabtion for DUIs and lost custody of his 2 boys (though now he and his ex are on civil terms and he does get to see them more often). He is 2 years sober as of this passed December. We've been dating for almost 6 months now, off and on. Oh yes..."off and on" over the course of SIX MONTHS. He has SEVERE relationship issues since his ex (girlfriend, not wife/babies mama) is a giant ball of crazy and treated him like crap. I believe the big issue in their relationship is that they met in AA and started dating when they were both newly (less that 6 months) sober...so crazy girl was his first sober relationship and she was abusive to him in every way. I accept that taking on a relationship with him following a relationship like that is like adopting an adult dog that has been abused for years. That's fine. My higher power is LOVE and all it's forms and I believe that there is nothing that can't be worked through, one way or another.
There is so much good in him and in our relationship. It's there. I've seen it. I have seen who is truly is and I know the man he wants to be. BUT. There's always a but. I find myself ill-equipped to deal with this relationship. Sometimes (specifically, I've noticed, when we are together, not sexually, just same place/same time) everything is wonderful. Other times, he's distant, he's selfish, he ignores me, he acts like a jack@$$. But then he's so sweet and caring and thoughtful, etc. So hot and cold. I recognize that that behavior is part of the disease. He has always been completely honest with me about everything and, frankly, that's one of the big reasons I'm still around. The problem is communication. We've even talked about how our biggest downfall is a distinct lack of communication and that we need to work on that. But we don't. I'm game, but the talk just never happens. So my question is, how do I talk to him in a way that he understands without making him feel threatened or suffocated and also without sacrificing my own emotions? I don't know the rules for dating a recovering alcoholic. However, my type A brain needs some parameters. I'm not ready to call it quits at this point. I just don't understand what's going on in his head. I'm reading the Big Book and plan to attend my first al anon meeting this week, but anything anyone can advise me on is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Ok. I'm not really accustomed to asking for help or advice, but I'm way out of my league. I am not an alcoholic, or addict of any other kind (as far as I am aware). I am, however, the daughter of an alcoholic. I'm 27 and I have almost zero memories of my father sober. He wasn't just a drunk, he was a mean drunk and, though my mom and my siblings took the brunt of the physical abuse, we all suffered. Now my father has been sober for a few years and has remarried. Which is all fine and good and I wish him well. Meanwhile, I've been in therapy for years for treatment of Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome and para-alcoholism (which is apparently where you take on the personality characteristics of an alcoholic [the lying, the anger, the shame, the blame-shifting, etc] without actually having to drink. I've made a lot of improvement and it helped to be able to understand why I was doing the things I was doing. But it never really goes away, awareness only goes so far. And good luck trying to get anyone to recognize para-alcoholism as an actual thing, by the way. Regardless...
So, here's the current situation. About a year ago, I was engaged and when my engagement broke up, I moved in with a guy who I would call a friendly aquaintance (strictly a roommate situation). At the time that I moved in, I was a social drinker. I never really went to bars or clubs unless it was for a specific event and if I drank alone, I had a glass of wine. Sometimes I got drunk, I won't lie, but it was always in a group setting with other drinkers. The guy that I moved in with, however, was an alcoholic. Having grown up with an alcoholic, I recognized the signs in all of about 3 seconds. We had several heart to heart's and I think he was just at a point where he was ready to quit so he started going to AA. I stopped drinking around him and we got rid of all the alcohol in the house. Some people told me that it was dumb for me to make sacrifices for someone else's problem. Those people did not grow up around this disease and I told them to shut up. After he quit drinking, my roommate became UNBEARABLE. I tried to be patient and understanding and tolerant. Really, I did. But, suddenly, I was the devil. Everything I did, everything I didn't do was damnable. The things he told people about me were so exaggerated that I couldn't fathom how anyone could even believe them. Whatever. Naturally, his friendships with people started to dissolve and our house became an unofficial AA hangout. It was really annoying. They would drink espresso and play freaking board games until 3am when I had to be at work early. However, always the mindful hostess, I never said anything. Live and let live. I don't care. I've got my own stuff going on.
There was one guy who came over all the time that wasn't incessantly irritating. We would sit out on the back porch and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes (I guess I am an addict after all) and just talk. He was pretty cool. I was completely shocked when he asked me out. I did not see that coming at all. But, after much persistence on his part, I agreed and it all went well. We totally hit it off and everything was sunshine and puppies...for a while. He is 3 years older than me and we're from the same town. He told me his story (not gory details...more of a blurry watercolor). Between you, me and the internet, he was kind of a s*!thead back in the day. He's on felony probabtion for DUIs and lost custody of his 2 boys (though now he and his ex are on civil terms and he does get to see them more often). He is 2 years sober as of this passed December. We've been dating for almost 6 months now, off and on. Oh yes..."off and on" over the course of SIX MONTHS. He has SEVERE relationship issues since his ex (girlfriend, not wife/babies mama) is a giant ball of crazy and treated him like crap. I believe the big issue in their relationship is that they met in AA and started dating when they were both newly (less that 6 months) sober...so crazy girl was his first sober relationship and she was abusive to him in every way. I accept that taking on a relationship with him following a relationship like that is like adopting an adult dog that has been abused for years. That's fine. My higher power is LOVE and all it's forms and I believe that there is nothing that can't be worked through, one way or another.
There is so much good in him and in our relationship. It's there. I've seen it. I have seen who is truly is and I know the man he wants to be. BUT. There's always a but. I find myself ill-equipped to deal with this relationship. Sometimes (specifically, I've noticed, when we are together, not sexually, just same place/same time) everything is wonderful. Other times, he's distant, he's selfish, he ignores me, he acts like a jack@$$. But then he's so sweet and caring and thoughtful, etc. So hot and cold. I recognize that that behavior is part of the disease. He has always been completely honest with me about everything and, frankly, that's one of the big reasons I'm still around. The problem is communication. We've even talked about how our biggest downfall is a distinct lack of communication and that we need to work on that. But we don't. I'm game, but the talk just never happens. So my question is, how do I talk to him in a way that he understands without making him feel threatened or suffocated and also without sacrificing my own emotions? I don't know the rules for dating a recovering alcoholic. However, my type A brain needs some parameters. I'm not ready to call it quits at this point. I just don't understand what's going on in his head. I'm reading the Big Book and plan to attend my first al anon meeting this week, but anything anyone can advise me on is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Hi, howya doin, I'm new here myself.
I had a talk with a friend at work. He has a friend who lives with him, who is an alcoholic. I have an ABF. So we kind of click that way. Anyway. The friend told me that he will not be able to be friends with the guy that lives with him when he becomes sober, and I asked why. He said: Right now he sees me complaining about him drinking and whatnot, and that is all he hears. When he stops drinking, anything I say is going to sound like I am complaining to him, when in reality, that is how life really is, but since he has been drinking so long, he doesn't know.
I agree with him. Life sucks, but we all know that. A recovering alcoholic needs to learn that things are going to happen, people are going to complain, things are going to **** them off, and they can't run to the bottle to escape it. That is the problem. It's easy to get sober, put the freaking bottle down. The hard part is making sure you don't pick it back up when something happens.
I am a major Type A personality myself. And I am horribly stubborn. My ABF is just as stubborn as I am, but he is starting to realize that I am not giving up on this quitting drinking thing. Either me or the bottle. Take it or leave it. And don't lead me on.
Other than that, I don't know what to say, because my ABF is sadly not in recovery. He still drinks every single day. I think you should do Al-Anon, people there know what they are talking about. And he will see that you are trying to make the best of the situation, knowing that he is trying, and you can see that.
I had a talk with a friend at work. He has a friend who lives with him, who is an alcoholic. I have an ABF. So we kind of click that way. Anyway. The friend told me that he will not be able to be friends with the guy that lives with him when he becomes sober, and I asked why. He said: Right now he sees me complaining about him drinking and whatnot, and that is all he hears. When he stops drinking, anything I say is going to sound like I am complaining to him, when in reality, that is how life really is, but since he has been drinking so long, he doesn't know.
I agree with him. Life sucks, but we all know that. A recovering alcoholic needs to learn that things are going to happen, people are going to complain, things are going to **** them off, and they can't run to the bottle to escape it. That is the problem. It's easy to get sober, put the freaking bottle down. The hard part is making sure you don't pick it back up when something happens.
I am a major Type A personality myself. And I am horribly stubborn. My ABF is just as stubborn as I am, but he is starting to realize that I am not giving up on this quitting drinking thing. Either me or the bottle. Take it or leave it. And don't lead me on.
Other than that, I don't know what to say, because my ABF is sadly not in recovery. He still drinks every single day. I think you should do Al-Anon, people there know what they are talking about. And he will see that you are trying to make the best of the situation, knowing that he is trying, and you can see that.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I think you are heading in the right direction by attending Alanon meetings. I learned a lot of tools for dealing with relationships, friendships and business relationships at Alanon meetings and through literature.
Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you!
I think you are heading in the right direction by attending Alanon meetings. I learned a lot of tools for dealing with relationships, friendships and business relationships at Alanon meetings and through literature.
Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
it is no coincidence that you are attracted to a recovering alcoholic, have a recovering alcoholic as a roommate and your living room is full of AA people.
the question to be answered is not what is going on in his head. the question to be answered is why are you surrounded by alcoholics.
perhaps your therapist can help you with that?
the parameters for dating a recovering alcoholic? personally, i wouldn't. i'm done with mood swings and begging for communication. plus, chance of relapse is distressingly high.
i hear you when you say you do not want to call it quits. that's fine. we've all done that. just keep working your therapy and alanon....more will be revealed! it's a journey.
the question to be answered is not what is going on in his head. the question to be answered is why are you surrounded by alcoholics.
perhaps your therapist can help you with that?
the parameters for dating a recovering alcoholic? personally, i wouldn't. i'm done with mood swings and begging for communication. plus, chance of relapse is distressingly high.
i hear you when you say you do not want to call it quits. that's fine. we've all done that. just keep working your therapy and alanon....more will be revealed! it's a journey.
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