New boyfriend has "drinking issues" - What's a girl to do?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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New boyfriend has "drinking issues" - What's a girl to do?
Before we event slept together, I had to pick up ABF from a bar (more like rescue the other customers really) and take him home. It was a Saturday night, and we had planned to have a romantic dinner together. A friend needed my help that night, so I was a few hours late. I let him know in advance, though, and he said, “Take your time. I’ll be at the soccer bar having a beer.” By the time I arrived at the bar at 8 p.m., he could barely stand up, was slurring his words, peed on a car outside the bar (!), and was so loud and obnoxious, the patrons gave me the most grateful look when I finally convinced him to let me take him home.
I'd never experienced anything like that before! Why did he drink so much? And so early? Was he nervous because he thought we would sleep together that night? Did he forget to eat? Was he dealing poorly with his dad having been recently diagnosed with a serious illness? I puzzled over ABF's behavior with friends for a couple of days, pondering every scenario and thinking that one "serious talk" would take care of the problem. After he and I chatted the following Monday and he sort of apologized (he didn't remember any of it, he said), we continued dating. About a month after the first "episode," he got into a fight with my two best friends at a party. Again he was wasted. He kept repeating himself and was rude and loud. The next day, not only did he not remember what he had done, but he was also upset that everyone at the party must have "overreacted."
There have been a few – two to four – repeat performances, all garbled versions of the same scenarios described above: he doesn’t eat, he drinks too many drinks too fast, and he becomes someone else – someone I don't like very much. He can go weeks without drinking. He can drink one drink with a meal then stop. He can pace himself when he wants to. He NEVER EVER drinks when he’s going to drive. When he drinks in my presence, he is funny and a bit clumsy at worst. But when he’s been drinking and I catch up with him later, he is a disaster – slurring words, making no sense whatsoever, repeating himself, peeing on cars and buildings, trying to be funny with strangers and coming off as a lunatic instead. I’m surprised he hasn’t been kicked out of the corner bar on multiple occasions for being mean to other patrons.
I’ve also learned that his alcoholism is likely – how do I say this? – compounded by family history, traits, genes, whatever. For example, he’s told me that on two occasions since we’ve been dating, his dad had to take his mom home after she either fell down or offended a few people at a party. The last I heard was that his mom decided to stop drinking altogether again. Yes, again.
After talking to a few, very close friends about ABF, I’ve been surprised to find that there seems to be, literally, one in every family. And though I find it comforting that I’m not the only one whose boyfriend becomes psychotic when he drinks too much, I am appalled at the extent of the problem in this country and the number of people it affects.
I don’t know what will become of us in the long run. ABF and I have only been dating for six months, and the last two I’ve been out of the country and he’s been studying for the bar exam, which means he’s not drinking at all (or at least not as often as he would had he not been studying). Part of me is buying time, meaning the bad has not yet outdone the good. Part of me thinks I can learn to live with this, learn to detach, and keep an emotional distance because he’s otherwise worth the occasional drunken episode. He’s intelligent, funny as hell, good looking, one of the kindest and most generous persons I have ever met. And then part of me wonders why I waste my time going through the emotional rollercoaster this addiction will surely take me on for many years to come.
Anyway, this has been a rambling post, albeit one that I feel makes my entrance into the recovering community official. If anyone has advice, suggestions, comments, questions, or wisdom to share with me, I’d be most grateful.
I'd never experienced anything like that before! Why did he drink so much? And so early? Was he nervous because he thought we would sleep together that night? Did he forget to eat? Was he dealing poorly with his dad having been recently diagnosed with a serious illness? I puzzled over ABF's behavior with friends for a couple of days, pondering every scenario and thinking that one "serious talk" would take care of the problem. After he and I chatted the following Monday and he sort of apologized (he didn't remember any of it, he said), we continued dating. About a month after the first "episode," he got into a fight with my two best friends at a party. Again he was wasted. He kept repeating himself and was rude and loud. The next day, not only did he not remember what he had done, but he was also upset that everyone at the party must have "overreacted."
There have been a few – two to four – repeat performances, all garbled versions of the same scenarios described above: he doesn’t eat, he drinks too many drinks too fast, and he becomes someone else – someone I don't like very much. He can go weeks without drinking. He can drink one drink with a meal then stop. He can pace himself when he wants to. He NEVER EVER drinks when he’s going to drive. When he drinks in my presence, he is funny and a bit clumsy at worst. But when he’s been drinking and I catch up with him later, he is a disaster – slurring words, making no sense whatsoever, repeating himself, peeing on cars and buildings, trying to be funny with strangers and coming off as a lunatic instead. I’m surprised he hasn’t been kicked out of the corner bar on multiple occasions for being mean to other patrons.
I’ve also learned that his alcoholism is likely – how do I say this? – compounded by family history, traits, genes, whatever. For example, he’s told me that on two occasions since we’ve been dating, his dad had to take his mom home after she either fell down or offended a few people at a party. The last I heard was that his mom decided to stop drinking altogether again. Yes, again.
After talking to a few, very close friends about ABF, I’ve been surprised to find that there seems to be, literally, one in every family. And though I find it comforting that I’m not the only one whose boyfriend becomes psychotic when he drinks too much, I am appalled at the extent of the problem in this country and the number of people it affects.
I don’t know what will become of us in the long run. ABF and I have only been dating for six months, and the last two I’ve been out of the country and he’s been studying for the bar exam, which means he’s not drinking at all (or at least not as often as he would had he not been studying). Part of me is buying time, meaning the bad has not yet outdone the good. Part of me thinks I can learn to live with this, learn to detach, and keep an emotional distance because he’s otherwise worth the occasional drunken episode. He’s intelligent, funny as hell, good looking, one of the kindest and most generous persons I have ever met. And then part of me wonders why I waste my time going through the emotional rollercoaster this addiction will surely take me on for many years to come.
Anyway, this has been a rambling post, albeit one that I feel makes my entrance into the recovering community official. If anyone has advice, suggestions, comments, questions, or wisdom to share with me, I’d be most grateful.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Welcome.
Please, please, please pop over to the friends and family forum and read about all the heartache that the loved one of an alcoholic goes through. Then tell us you can learn to live with this.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Originally Posted by blue76 
Part of me is buying time, meaning the bad has not yet outdone the good. Part of me thinks I can learn to live with this, learn to detach, and keep an emotional distance because he’s otherwise worth the occasional drunken episode.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
It sounds as if he is a real alcoholic. Peeing on cars, blackouts, fights, gulping drinks ect... These are very classic things that alcoholics do when they drink booze. The fact that he can control his drinking at times is something that some alcoholics are capable of doing. But eventually, they go on a bender which seems like your boyfriend is doing.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
"...and he’s been studying for the bar exam, which means he’s not drinking at all (or at least not as often as he would had he not been studying)." You weren't there, you really don't know what he's been up to. Has he taken it at all, yet? I drank a lot in college and still graduated with high honors.
Al Anon might help you.
Best wishes,
Al Anon might help you.
Best wishes,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
Sorry if I sound like the devils advocate here but how about communicating with him???
Tell him you hate the drinking, peeing on cars, arguing, fighting and that it has to stop as thats not what you want in a boyfriend. This is quite possibly the only life he knows (it was for me) and if he wants to date you it has to stop as its immature and leads to bigger issues down the road. At least offer the guy a chance, but make sure you talk when he's stone sober. If you do it when he's drunk you're gonna have your hands full with an argument.
Tell him you hate the drinking, peeing on cars, arguing, fighting and that it has to stop as thats not what you want in a boyfriend. This is quite possibly the only life he knows (it was for me) and if he wants to date you it has to stop as its immature and leads to bigger issues down the road. At least offer the guy a chance, but make sure you talk when he's stone sober. If you do it when he's drunk you're gonna have your hands full with an argument.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by blue76
Before we event slept together, I had to pick up ABF from a bar (more like rescue the other customers really) and take him home. It was a Saturday night, and we had planned to have a romantic dinner together. A friend needed my help that night, so I was a few hours late. I let him know in advance, though, and he said, “Take your time. I’ll be at the soccer bar having a beer.” By the time I arrived at the bar at 8 p.m., he could barely stand up, was slurring his words, peed on a car outside the bar (!), and was so loud and obnoxious, the patrons gave me the most grateful look when I finally convinced him to let me take him home.
I'd never experienced anything like that before! Why did he drink so much? And so early? Was he nervous because he thought we would sleep together that night? Did he forget to eat? Was he dealing poorly with his dad having been recently diagnosed with a serious illness? I puzzled over ABF's behavior with friends for a couple of days, pondering every scenario and thinking that one "serious talk" would take care of the problem. After he and I chatted the following Monday and he sort of apologized (he didn't remember any of it, he said), we continued dating. About a month after the first "episode," he got into a fight with my two best friends at a party. Again he was wasted. He kept repeating himself and was rude and loud. The next day, not only did he not remember what he had done, but he was also upset that everyone at the party must have "overreacted."
There have been a few – two to four – repeat performances, all garbled versions of the same scenarios described above: he doesn’t eat, he drinks too many drinks too fast, and he becomes someone else – someone I don't like very much. He can go weeks without drinking. He can drink one drink with a meal then stop. He can pace himself when he wants to. He NEVER EVER drinks when he’s going to drive. When he drinks in my presence, he is funny and a bit clumsy at worst. But when he’s been drinking and I catch up with him later, he is a disaster – slurring words, making no sense whatsoever, repeating himself, peeing on cars and buildings, trying to be funny with strangers and coming off as a lunatic instead. I’m surprised he hasn’t been kicked out of the corner bar on multiple occasions for being mean to other patrons.
I’ve also learned that his alcoholism is likely – how do I say this? – compounded by family history, traits, genes, whatever. For example, he’s told me that on two occasions since we’ve been dating, his dad had to take his mom home after she either fell down or offended a few people at a party. The last I heard was that his mom decided to stop drinking altogether again. Yes, again.
After talking to a few, very close friends about ABF, I’ve been surprised to find that there seems to be, literally, one in every family. And though I find it comforting that I’m not the only one whose boyfriend becomes psychotic when he drinks too much, I am appalled at the extent of the problem in this country and the number of people it affects.
I don’t know what will become of us in the long run. ABF and I have only been dating for six months, and the last two I’ve been out of the country and he’s been studying for the bar exam, which means he’s not drinking at all (or at least not as often as he would had he not been studying). Part of me is buying time, meaning the bad has not yet outdone the good. Part of me thinks I can learn to live with this, learn to detach, and keep an emotional distance because he’s otherwise worth the occasional drunken episode. He’s intelligent, funny as hell, good looking, one of the kindest and most generous persons I have ever met. And then part of me wonders why I waste my time going through the emotional rollercoaster this addiction will surely take me on for many years to come.
Anyway, this has been a rambling post, albeit one that I feel makes my entrance into the recovering community official. If anyone has advice, suggestions, comments, questions, or wisdom to share with me, I’d be most grateful.
I'd never experienced anything like that before! Why did he drink so much? And so early? Was he nervous because he thought we would sleep together that night? Did he forget to eat? Was he dealing poorly with his dad having been recently diagnosed with a serious illness? I puzzled over ABF's behavior with friends for a couple of days, pondering every scenario and thinking that one "serious talk" would take care of the problem. After he and I chatted the following Monday and he sort of apologized (he didn't remember any of it, he said), we continued dating. About a month after the first "episode," he got into a fight with my two best friends at a party. Again he was wasted. He kept repeating himself and was rude and loud. The next day, not only did he not remember what he had done, but he was also upset that everyone at the party must have "overreacted."
There have been a few – two to four – repeat performances, all garbled versions of the same scenarios described above: he doesn’t eat, he drinks too many drinks too fast, and he becomes someone else – someone I don't like very much. He can go weeks without drinking. He can drink one drink with a meal then stop. He can pace himself when he wants to. He NEVER EVER drinks when he’s going to drive. When he drinks in my presence, he is funny and a bit clumsy at worst. But when he’s been drinking and I catch up with him later, he is a disaster – slurring words, making no sense whatsoever, repeating himself, peeing on cars and buildings, trying to be funny with strangers and coming off as a lunatic instead. I’m surprised he hasn’t been kicked out of the corner bar on multiple occasions for being mean to other patrons.
I’ve also learned that his alcoholism is likely – how do I say this? – compounded by family history, traits, genes, whatever. For example, he’s told me that on two occasions since we’ve been dating, his dad had to take his mom home after she either fell down or offended a few people at a party. The last I heard was that his mom decided to stop drinking altogether again. Yes, again.
After talking to a few, very close friends about ABF, I’ve been surprised to find that there seems to be, literally, one in every family. And though I find it comforting that I’m not the only one whose boyfriend becomes psychotic when he drinks too much, I am appalled at the extent of the problem in this country and the number of people it affects.
I don’t know what will become of us in the long run. ABF and I have only been dating for six months, and the last two I’ve been out of the country and he’s been studying for the bar exam, which means he’s not drinking at all (or at least not as often as he would had he not been studying). Part of me is buying time, meaning the bad has not yet outdone the good. Part of me thinks I can learn to live with this, learn to detach, and keep an emotional distance because he’s otherwise worth the occasional drunken episode. He’s intelligent, funny as hell, good looking, one of the kindest and most generous persons I have ever met. And then part of me wonders why I waste my time going through the emotional rollercoaster this addiction will surely take me on for many years to come.
Anyway, this has been a rambling post, albeit one that I feel makes my entrance into the recovering community official. If anyone has advice, suggestions, comments, questions, or wisdom to share with me, I’d be most grateful.
I've highlighted this bit as it really stands out to me. This is what people do who have been with people for years and problems develop over the years. It really isn't something you need to be/should be doing in a new relationship. There are so many alarm bells in your post. If you want honest advice I would end the relationship now before you fall harder/get hurt. If he doesn't realize he has a problem then there is nothing you can do to make him see it. I have been on both sides in this situation-the person with the problem and with a person who has a problem. If I knew then what I know now I would never have continued a relationship with a man like that. It ends in hurt/destruction/damage-usually yours. I know this sounds harsh but there is no point dressing it up as an occasional drunken episode or that many people suffer this-the guy has a serious drink problem-why would you want to be in this relationship. good luck
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Wow...I couldn't have found better words to describe ME when I was drinking. I was exactly like your BF! I was tame if my GF (now ex of course) was with me, but out with the boys...look out. Everyone would say I am 'Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde' when it comes to drinking. On our first date, I was drunk when she showed up and she said I was slurring and repeating the same questions over and over. Then I insulted her family and friends...I had never even met them haha. Alcohol is a mind-altering drug that really affects normal brain function.
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
If I knew twenty years ago what my life would be like with an alcoholic husband I would have run in the other direction. I am still with my husband but think how much better would things be with a man whose first love wasn't named John Labatts.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Sadly, most of his behavior sounds like the beginning of Alcoholism. This disease can and does get much worse. The blackouts get more frequent, amount of booze increase, hygiene issues & the list goes on. He is dealing with a serious disease and will probable need professional help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by Pojman
What in the world is an "ABF"?
Sounds to me like neither of you are good for each other. Best thing to do is for him to stay away from you, and for you to stay away from him.
Sounds to me like neither of you are good for each other. Best thing to do is for him to stay away from you, and for you to stay away from him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 732
Imagine a situation that you could not detach yourself from such as a get together with your family where he acted so disrespectfully to your parents or grandparents. I think you would be mortified. I think you need to tell him to stop drinking or you're done and save yourself a lot of heartache.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
I think you need to look at yourself to determine why you find his behavior acceptable and why you think you can fix him. You need to end this relationship for your own good and seek help for your low self esteem issue. Any woman who would put up with that crap in a new relationship is insane. Please get some help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I know you are most lilely in love with him and believe you can change him. If it is very hard for you to leave, talk to him and see if you can shake him up. Maybe he is not in all the way. My road to recovery started when somebody actually told me in my face: you are an alcoholic. Before this nobody would tell me and believe me my mind never told me so either. All was normal behaviour for me. Once I was told this it took 5 years to stop, but it set up the red bulb in me to start looking and trying to stop. So I think tell him and see how he reacts. Maybe also go with him to the hospital and make him look at alcoholcs so he can see his fate. If he is not gone complelty and is young you may save him...... This is my opinion as it saved me to hear it from my bf at this time. (Okay I was mad at him etc, but it set me up for recovery)
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