suic

I want to go to treatment but:
A. I'd have to jeapardize my job
B. I'd have to quit a semester of school
C. I don't have medical insurance
D. I would lose my family

I'm conflicted. Other than my health and sanity deteriorating rapidly I'm "functional" but this addiction is just killing me. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I have a BUSY schedule and I don't have a lot of time to allocate to recovery/AA right now. I think I have to take a sabbatical to get my issues sorted out. i work at 4 in the morning and that made me miserable so I started buying adderall from my "guy". help me get thru my shift.

I have plenty of money. Work is going well people love me there. School is going OK, not great, but OK. I felt like such a piece of crap for so many years. I'm just a kind, funny, intelligent, good looking human being who is being tarnished by addiction. I've been trying to get clean since June of 2010 and have had nominal success. What approach should I take to make it work finally?

GirlFromCO

Hi suic. Welcome back I'm curious - if you don't have time for AA meetings, how are you going to find time to go to a treatment center? I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe if you put a bit more effort into getting and staying sober you'll see better results. As you've no doubt learned by now, it's not that easy to conquer addiction. It is possible to beat addiction with hard work and an open mind. Your best bet might be to start smaller, but bring total commitment. Rehab won't help you if you still want to drink & use. You'll have spent a lot of time and money to be safely put away from your DOC for a week or two and then you'll be back out where it's available everywhere, everyday. I'm not saying inpatient treatment isn't a good idea, but with so much at stake why not try something else first, like AA, or one of the secular recovery programs?

suic

I only know of 1 good meeting in all of Minnesota. and that's at 12 and i'm always busy at 12. a good sponsor would help.

Dee74

Hi Suic

The thing is if you don't make time for *something*...then all that stuff thats important to you - job school money family - you're simply putting at risk anyway.

It's not a what if...it's really a when.

D

GirlFromCO

I'm going to state the obvious... but you can't get a sponsor without going to some meetings, right? What about meetings that aren't as good but fit your schedule? People who are hungry enough will eat grass and sticks and shoes. You've got to really want this, suic.

suic

Not wanting it enough has definetly always been my problem. The consequences haven't been nearly bad enough to make that so. As I said other than my liver being almost dead I haven't faced any real backlash when I use drugs. People don't even say anything or they don't notice. It takes immense skill to be able to live the way I do and also be functional.

suic

The people at work and school would probably say "I never knew Joey drank until I saw him sober".

GirlFromCO

I've said stuff like this before and believed it. Now that I'm sober, I know how wrong I was. Even so, if you keep abusing your already damaged liver, you probably won't go without serious consequences for long. People who are hungry eat grass and shoe leather. You've got mac and cheese in front of you and you're upset it isn't filet mignon lol!

The longer you stay on this path, the fewer and less attractive your options and outcome become. Why not do yourself a favor and get the hard part out of the way now, before you have to do the hard stuff anyway AND you lose your family, health, job, or life?

suic

I keep holding on to the idea that continued drug use would be an asset in my life as opposed to a huge liability.

suic

Isn't that f'd up. I'm here for a reason. I belong here on this forum. My substance abuse issues are more acute than Andy Reid's obesity. I took an "am i an addict quiz" and scored a 9. They say if you score 6-8 your in deep water.

carolm

Hi Suic,
I know all the things you are saying because I said them too. I'm sorry that I haven't read this whole thread, but I will. I noticed you were online so I wanted to offer my support. I will write back in a few minutes.
Carol

suic

I"m currently under the influence of three drugs so I dunno how helpful this can be currently. I've been screwed up for like 80 hours consecutively. So under those circumstances I honestly don't know if this can be taken seriously.

suic

how "rock bottem" is that? being zonked while surfing a recovery website and reading advice from folks trying to help me? Give me a gold medal :rotfxko

suic

.....and the crowd goes silent. :rotfxko

instant

Understanding that your ambivalence needs to be dealt with is important. I lied to myself for a long time about many aspects of it, including how functional I was. Looking back I can see thinks got worse and started to get better at the same time in that even I could not believe my ******** anymore and I started to realise I was starting to have a coarsening of my emotions, and was predictably unpredictable at work. Anyway it is all better now.

Dee74

You've been here a while suic, so I'll be straight to the point with you.

In essence, when you break it down, it's pretty simple - you can be like me and count on what you see as your immense skill to continue to see you through - but it won't ...not indefinitely. Thats a promise.

I think you know that too or you wouldn't be back here.

That slide, where you go from The Guy to 'that guy' is not something I'd wish on anyone.

I really really encourage you to think about what you're going to do next.

If you want changes you need to make changes.
If you want things to be different, you need to do things differently.

And I think you pretty much need to start from now, suic.

D

suic

My thinking is just so irrational. I don't know how to fight that sometimes.

Dee74

Yeah I think a lot of us had that inner turmoil

I found that I played into perpetuating the cycle a lot of times by arguing internally - which ever 'me' won, essentially I lost...

when I decided to drink or drug I lost...and when I decided not to, sooner or later - sometimes even just 5 mins later - I'd have the same discussion again - and more often than not the inevitable giving in ensued again.

Action really was the key to me breaking the cycle - not endless winning or losing arguments with myself.

You already know what you need to do suic - why not just...do it?

D

suic

It's weird it's like I don't think of recovering addicts- either here or in meetings- as addicts at all. I think of them as judgemental tee-totalers. I really am missing the point of this website.

suic

Mark is the funniest example. Always jokes with me like being sarcastic saying "so you're still alive, huh, wow what a miracle". I'll be you think the exact same thing when you see me. lol