December2011

Well, 25 year old AS disappeared again for 3 days again, as many of you know he only had until this Wed to move out again, because of doing crack for 3 days even though he was on methadone and giving a fellow drug addict his last 2000 for school money. He called to inform me that he was shooting oxy again and that it was my entirely my fault, because I didn’t answer the phone when he needed a ride to the methadone clinic. I guess he has never heard of a bus. He disappears and expects me to be at his beckoned call. He called me every name in the book, from the “C” word to the “W’ word and everything in-between. He threatened to come to my house and kill my BF of 4.5 years- who, by the way, has let him stay with us and given him money on many occasions. He then called everyone we both know to tell them what a horrid parent I am. … Then he threatened suicide again. I think if I knew where he was I would have called the police. I have to tell you, his behavior is making it more or less easy to not feel guilty about not letting him live here anymore. He has called a few times today, but I am just not up to dealing with him. I know eventually he will have to come here and get his stuff, and I was thinking about being gone, and letting my BF deal with it. Do you guys think this is a good idea?

cc88

PERSONALLY, id shoot a quick text "In light of you threatening my safety and the safety of my loved ones, this is our last correspondence. Your belongings are outside in bags, and you can get them anytime the next _ days. Dont ring the doorbell and dont come in. After ___ if you show up, they'll be a restraining order and the police will be called."

BUT. I'm not a parent yet so that could have something to do with how I feel.

laurie6781

Actually cc88 has an excellent idea and I am a parent.

Pack ALL his stuff in black garbage bags. Put it outside. Leave him a txt message of how many days he has to get it, or it goes in the dumpster. Do not ring the doorbell, do not call. IF you do police will be called. And yes, get a restraining order. He has threatened both you and your boyfriend. He is dangerous to himself and others now.

You have done everything you could think of to help him find recovery. Now the onus is totally on him. You no longer have to be part of his drama and his roller coaster ride.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

zoso77

Please forgive me...I'm ashamed to admit that I chuckled a little bit when I read this. Mostly because this, and what followed, is so transparently manipulative and brazenly sadistic on your AS's part.

That aside, when I go to Al Anon meetings, the stories that move me the most are stories like this. I feel for you more than you know.

Since I'm not a parent, I can't truly relate to your pain. All I know is it's immense. I can't tell you what the right course of action is for you. What I can tell you is your son is beyond your help, and you need to do what's best for you. If you aren't in Al Anon or Nar Anon, I strongly urge you to find a meeting local to you.

If you feel your safety is at risk, please do what you have to do, even if it involves the police. The only thing you can do right now is protect yourself and your sanity. As you're probably aware, there are addicts in recovery on this board that can likely guide you as to what the best course of action is for you. Solicit their opinions. Keep an open mind. And pray.

Will be thinking of you tonight when I say my prayers.

ZoSo

suki44883

I am a parent and if either of my children (both are grown now) said those things to me, that would be the last time they spoke to me on the phone and they would know in no uncertain terms that they would no longer be welcome in my home. I would go NO CONTACT and remain that way until such a time as they could prove that they had straightened themselves out and that such nonsense would NEVER again occur. That crap is inexcusable, drugs or no drugs. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

kmangel

I agree with everyone else's opinion. Your son is trying to manipulate you and you can call his bluff. I hope you take their advice and cut off contact with your son. It's time you left him in the hands of God to deal with. This is not your problem to fix.

Blessings to you and the strength to do what you must now do.

December2011

I never in my wildest thoughts ever imagined that I would have to impose a “no contact” rule with my own kid. I mean, who would ever think they would ever ever have to do that. He has threatened me before and I guess I just thought that if this is what it comes down to, that he is crazy enough on drugs to hurt me, then I guess I will meet my end. It is that depressing, but it just hurts to be in fear of your own son. I see what you guys are saying, and I will have a no contact rule. It is time to stop being sad and get mad (in a healthy way), and protect my sanity, my health, and my safety. I packed his stuff- not ready to even send a text. I think I will just leave a note on the door. Thanks guys. If I ever even think of letting him move back in here, or give him money, someone kick me in the butt- HARD! - Running to the meeting on Thursday night.

EnglishGarden

Is there a chance your AS is doing meth? Crack?

He seems incredibly violent for an opiate addict.

I only ask because if he is on a powerful stimulant and having psychosis as a result, he could be incredibly dangerous to you and your bf.

Please be cautious. People on meth do kill their own family members in a psychotic state.

YearForMe

Actively addicted children will slice you to the core of your heart with their words. Anything to try and make it your fault...because they are trying so hard to hook you back in to the cycle.

My daughter has said some of the worst things a human could say....and yet we love them and in our hearts, we forgive them...because we gave them life and we know that it is the addiction talking.

Just like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

Often, I think we have to do something ultra extreme...like going NO CONTACT because their fight or flight is messed up...and so is ours and it's the only way to protect ourselves, while sending a loud and clear message to them that we mean business and they are totally out of control.

outtolunch

Doing other drugs while on Methadone is actually quite common.

Giving a fellow addict money for school ......sounds like a whopper to me.

If he's using a phone service you pay for, you might want to disconnect it.

I am so very sorry that you or any mother has to experience something like this. I suspect I would have already put his carp curbside for anyone to take.

KelleyF

Hesitant to mention this as I'm not a parent, and I usually get accused of being too soft on the addict. But if your home is your sons legal residence, then depending where you live - you may not legally be able to throw him out, or his stuff without a proper legal eviction notice.

I haven't followed all the thread; but do you really think he is violent, or just seriously trying to hurt you with his words; words that are spoken while he's out of his mind? Because if that's the case and you really suspect your not in danger; then your just letting his words whip you into a frenzy of anger and even fear.

KuanYin

I'm a parent of an AS, and "former" (lol) enabler. In cases like this, those landlord/tenant laws can be a bit of a gray area. I'd speculate that her addict son wouldn't have a leg to stand on, nor would he have the sense or money to hire a lawyer to challenge his impromptu eviction in a court of law and risk jail or prison for all the evidence mom has on him for his illegal drug use and terroristic threats, verbal assault, and his potential for domestic battery.

Getting his butt kicked to the curb is a very reasonable consequence, in my opinion. I don't think it's his God-given "right" in any state that he be allowed to use illegal drugs, verbally abuse his mother and her significant other, threaten to kill one or both of them, or threaten them harm, and the law require them to continue to provide him free room and board. That's what jails are for, 3 hots and a cot.

My own AS, who has been on Methadone, and as far as I know, still is, also eats klonopins, and when he consumes enough them he becomes extremely angry, mean and agressive just like this boy's mom described. Yeah, my son shoots oxy's too, and I've been told numerous times how it's my fault when I didn't do this, or didn't answer the phone for that, same song....

KuanYin

To December2011: Our sons are almost the exact same age. My AS is 26 and is doing exactly the same as yours. May I ask, does your son have a fascination with guns/weapons, or does he have access to guns? Reason I ask is because it sounds to me like your son is in a cycle of what I term "fast-forwarding", and I have seen it so many times. Shooting the oxys, mixed with the combination of the other drugs, especially if benzos are involved, and/or cocaine/crack/meth, he's going to run out of both drugs and money very fast and when that happens, desperation sets in, and anything goes. That means anything. I'd venture a guess that there's not a snowflake's chance in Miami that he's going to just up and decide to check in to rehab anytime soon. The safest place your AS could possibly be right now (and safest for everyone else,too) would be for him to be in jail. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you have a very serious situation unfolding. Please recognize what's happening and exercise caution.

washbe2

The nightmares of the mother of an addict seem endless. I know it doesn't have to be that way. My son's words seem to only worsen. I am trying desperately to detach. It seems more difficult to detach with love.

Addicts mostly use the same tactics. I learn that more and more as I read these posts. Threats, cursing, blaming, delusional. My son has never taken the strategy of begging, saying he's sorry, wanting another chance, etc. I suppose it's better for me that he doesn't unless he means it. It might make me crumble, and I do that enough already.

Just take care, protect yourself, and call the police if necessary. I recently called the police when my AS was delusional. I also wound up having him "committed" for two weeks. It was two weeks of ranting and blaming me. But I truly feared for his life. It's not an easy thing to do, but sometimes there just doesn't seem to be another way.

Just know we care.

Ann

I am the mother of an addict and I truly know your pain. That said, if my son spoke to me like this, he would not have got past the first name he called me, I would hang up immediately.

You don't have to listen to this name calling. You don't have to accept threats without action to protect yourself.

Our sons are sick and need help, but we cannot help them. And if they refuse to do anything about it, we can at the very least protect ourselves and insist upon respect from anyone who wishes to speak to us.

Take good care of yourself, do what you need to do to protect your family and your home, and let God handle the rest.

Big hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

KelleyF

Kuan,

Please don't mistake what I'm saying. I don't think OP son should be living with them; I'm not trying to minimize his behavior.

But couple things, I've seen posts like this where surprise - the addict did show up at the house with the police because he does have legal rights. Not saying it is likely, but it could happen.

If there is nothing documented, or a restraining order in place, then it could become an issue. It was just a reminder.

Also, I as trying to make it clear that if there as a real threat of violence that's a whole other situation, but if it is a pattern of behavior that is shown just to be using words to hurt the heart; then when we react in their desired manner;anger, displaying our own craziness;it just reaffirms the manipulation.
So no contact is best for both parties.

EnglishGarden

The bags-on-the curb idea sounds safest to me.

Your bf may be pushed to the brink if your AS arrives high and angry.

So, better not to risk any fistfights maybe.

All these stories of aggressive hurtful sons breaks my heart. We love our babies so very much, when we are young mothers. They melt our hearts. I have never forgotten the feeling. So I am so sorry for all the mothers' pain I read here.

I hope you can remember that a compulsive, drug-seeking, survival part your son's brain has hijacked his higher nature. His compassion, his ability to reason, are at its mercy.

When you set boundaries and refuse to enable him, what you are really doing is fighting for his life.

I pray he makes a turn for the better very soon.

YearForMe

I know the "C" word....but.....

what is the "W" word?

I'm inappropriately laughing....because when my daughter was young...she came home from school and reported that a boy was really naughty at school. Her little neighbor friend was at the house. My daughter said "yea...and he called the teacher the "B" word"...I said "oh...that's really naughty"

And the little neighbor friend said....yea....and he also said the "R" word. I paused and said "The R word...what is the R word?" And the neighbor girl said F-CK

She was southern...so you have to draw out the F------ck

Sorry...just thought I would lighten things up for just a second.

ctg492

Decmeber, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with I hope your son seeks and accepts the help he finds. I know about the phone calls and the 100's of texts, I have been there. One day last fall right or wrong on Oct 18 I shut my phone off, I was dying inside and could not take the calls that day. Oct 19 when I turned it back on the messages and texts were more then I ever imagined, the craziness and scared voice of what used to be my son. Was I wrong to shut it off and not answer? Would he not have OD IF I had answered? All I know is it was the reason he sought help when no one not the only person who ever answered, did not answer that day. God answered him that day. He has been in ICU to therapy to 1/2wy home and clean since october 19th. Who knows the future, but I did what I had to as did he.