Loneywife

I have two upcoming obligations and I'm not sure how to proceed:

1. AH and I had a planned trip late next week that was with FIL for business and it would extend over the weekend. I already requested the time off, and I'm not even sure if we're going at this point. AH should be out of the psych ward in time for the trip.

FIL made our travel arrangements.

I'm not really speaking to my FIL right now, and when we spoke last week in reference to it, he was unclear if he had already cancelled our travel plans.

I'm not really sure what to tell my boss. Should I assume we aren't going at this point?

2. I have a friends wedding to attend at the end of March. I'm planning on attending, but I have no clue if AH will be well enough to attend. I have to reply in the next week, so my friend can have an accurate head count. Should I assume AH won't be attending this event either?

cc88

As far as I'm concerned, an addict is an active addict unless there is significant recovery (and all that that implies) time to say otherwise. Personally, I would choose NOT to take an active addict to a wedding. It seems to me like way too soon to be getting on a plane with someone who just put you through what he did, and someone you aren't on speaking terms with and try to accomplish business. How much could possibly go wrong vs how much could possibly go right?

Loneywife

Thank you both for grounding me and setting me straight with this issue.

You are both right; I don't need to have anxiety about 'what if' with his behavior at these events.

cc88

In advance, and apologies if you DON'T feel this way/have these kind of people around, and I'm just talking out of my butt, but I know people who need to attend things alone because of the actions of others, and often times how it makes them feel. I would encourage you to remember that YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU haven't done anything wrong, and YOU are strong enough to continue your life without letting someone else's snare render you a shut-in. Anyone who would think that your situation reflects on you and your worth doesn't deserve your time of day.

Chino

Before addiction entered your life, what would you have said or thought if you heard someone say that? Please consider more sessions with your therapist and more 12 step meetings. You've been traumatized terribly and, in true codie fashion, I want to snatch you up and rescue you from the insanity.

My heart hurts for you

Loneywife

Thank you for your support. I do feel a little uncomfortable having to attend events like this alone. A big reason why I got married in the first place is so that I'd have someone to share my social anxiety with. When he sober, he's great at keeping me calm at large events.

My parents will also be attending this wedding and it's really tough to field the questions from them. Where's AH? What's wrong? Why isn't he here? What aren't you telling us? Etc etc etc.

Loneywife

I admit I have made AH attend events in the past, even when he wasn't quite right, because I didn't want to field questions about where he was/worry when he was home alone during these times.

My FIL and MIL have done the same thing, and forced him to attend events as well. My FIL thankfully cancelled our reservations for this trip (I just spoke with him).

laurie6781

A simple:

"He didn't feel up to the trip."

Repeated over and over and over and over and over.

Then move away from your folks and join others. Eventually ........................................... your folks will get the hint that they are crossing a personal boundary of yours. That you are NOT going to discuss the topic.

Remember, no matter what our age, many times our parents still treat us as if we are 16 years old and until we respond over and over as adults to them they will continue to act toward us as if we are 16.

I learned that one over the years, lol. I finally started getting Mom's attention (she was the pushy one, not dad) when my stock answer became:

"No, that topic is not open to discussion."

Had to repeat that one many times, lol but slowly, mom's attitude and actions toward me started to change. I was 49 years old, lmao and FINALLY she was treating me as an adult, no longer 16.

Instead, go and enjoy, wish the couple well.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Chino

Lonelywife, I used to practice stuff like that in the mirror, over and over and over until it felt normal. I prepared and practiced a vague answer for every question I could imagine; it really helped me. Only fellow codie's will understand that the most definitive response for me to master, was "no" as a full sentence.