Abstinence..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
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Abstinence..
It's different to recovery, right?
My partner.. Ex partner.. I'm not sure. Anyway, he is a heroin and crack addict. I won't tell the story, it's pretty much the same as most. Lying, stealing, domestic abuse, disappearing for days at a time, pawning mine and our daughters belongings etc.
He is 'clean' to the best of my knowledge right now anr has been for approx 4-5 weeks. Before that he had quite a big relapse which lasted months. Before that 5-6 weeks clean, before that 6+ months of using. You get the picture.
I'm finding it really hard to not listen to his words. I know I need to watch his actions but it's difficult. We haven't lived together since October when an incident occured which led me to leave him and take our 1 year old away.
He isn't attending meetings, he isn't attending therapy, he isn't seeing a counsellor or a key worker, he isn't interested in rehab. It seems like his only plans are to stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet. He claims he's looking for work but I don't believe that due to his actions.
I think I need some words of wisdom.. I'm so confused.
My partner.. Ex partner.. I'm not sure. Anyway, he is a heroin and crack addict. I won't tell the story, it's pretty much the same as most. Lying, stealing, domestic abuse, disappearing for days at a time, pawning mine and our daughters belongings etc.
He is 'clean' to the best of my knowledge right now anr has been for approx 4-5 weeks. Before that he had quite a big relapse which lasted months. Before that 5-6 weeks clean, before that 6+ months of using. You get the picture.
I'm finding it really hard to not listen to his words. I know I need to watch his actions but it's difficult. We haven't lived together since October when an incident occured which led me to leave him and take our 1 year old away.
He isn't attending meetings, he isn't attending therapy, he isn't seeing a counsellor or a key worker, he isn't interested in rehab. It seems like his only plans are to stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet. He claims he's looking for work but I don't believe that due to his actions.
I think I need some words of wisdom.. I'm so confused.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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my sister always says to me that we ask for advice when we already know the answer.
it is painful to read your post and know that your heart is still in it. sometimes our connection to someone is destructive and abusive but our heart just doesn't see it, maybe it's then that we might want to train our brain with whatever healthy, creative, constructive discipline we can do to shelter our vulnerable heart. sometimes we need others to help us do it...a personal trainer for our heart's well being.
confusion, for me, was a major symptom of being connected to addiction. confusion kept me bound into the unanswerable cycle.
I think if you were to get a vote here, or from family, friends, a recovery mtg, a therapist...if you were to get a vote from anyone who wanted recovery and a healthy life for you and your little one they would likely most say that it is too soon to listen...
I think that you have an inner wisdom that is speaking loud and clear...you are telling us the truth and we can hear it. I will pray for your strength, peace of mind and well being. It doesn't sound like you will find any of that with him right now. Still your heart will probably want to hear him make promises...those promises, for me, are somewhat intoxicating to a hurting heart. Your heart will heal without those promises, those are promises which he really probably can't truly make until he gets some recovery...ask the recovering addicts here...
it is painful to read your post and know that your heart is still in it. sometimes our connection to someone is destructive and abusive but our heart just doesn't see it, maybe it's then that we might want to train our brain with whatever healthy, creative, constructive discipline we can do to shelter our vulnerable heart. sometimes we need others to help us do it...a personal trainer for our heart's well being.
confusion, for me, was a major symptom of being connected to addiction. confusion kept me bound into the unanswerable cycle.
I think if you were to get a vote here, or from family, friends, a recovery mtg, a therapist...if you were to get a vote from anyone who wanted recovery and a healthy life for you and your little one they would likely most say that it is too soon to listen...
I think that you have an inner wisdom that is speaking loud and clear...you are telling us the truth and we can hear it. I will pray for your strength, peace of mind and well being. It doesn't sound like you will find any of that with him right now. Still your heart will probably want to hear him make promises...those promises, for me, are somewhat intoxicating to a hurting heart. Your heart will heal without those promises, those are promises which he really probably can't truly make until he gets some recovery...ask the recovering addicts here...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thankyou. I'm trying to work my recovery, I've come a very very long way in the past 4-5 months and I can feel the changes. I'm attending 2 meetings a week, I've made some good connections with other people in the program and speak to them between meetings. I am using the services of a domestic abuse charity..
I kind of feel that my hearts not in it. I just keep pushing and pushing through with all this hoping that there is going to be an epiphany moment. I still love him, so much it hurts and I'm so lonely and scared and everything is telling me to go back to him.. Except my head. And thats what I need to listen to.. Right?
I kind of feel that my hearts not in it. I just keep pushing and pushing through with all this hoping that there is going to be an epiphany moment. I still love him, so much it hurts and I'm so lonely and scared and everything is telling me to go back to him.. Except my head. And thats what I need to listen to.. Right?
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I know she does. I want her to have a million times more than this. She deserves the whole world and it's because of her that I left. And because of her that I haven't gone back. I'm struggling a lot at the moment though.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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It seems like his only plans are to stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet. He claims he's looking for work but I don't believe that due to his actions.
Just curious, did he behave this way when he was off the drugs' before?
It sounds like he's suffering from depression.
Just curious, did he behave this way when he was off the drugs' before?
It sounds like he's suffering from depression.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I don't know. I need to have a proper think about it really. Ive been avoiding actually looking at my feelings and reasoning because it's painful but I need to just do it.
Im aware he still has a lot of control over me and that I'm allowing that. My domestic abuse woman assessed the situation as 'high risk' despite the fact we don't live together.
I think I'm just trying to fake it and telling myself it'll all become clear. I don't really know how else to handle this.
Im aware he still has a lot of control over me and that I'm allowing that. My domestic abuse woman assessed the situation as 'high risk' despite the fact we don't live together.
I think I'm just trying to fake it and telling myself it'll all become clear. I don't really know how else to handle this.
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I suspect loneliness, fear of being alone forever, fear of moving away on my own (I'm moving to the other side of the city next week, it'll be the first time I've lived without either him or my mum). Fear of being solely responsible for our daughter (I suppose really I always have been?).
Although I love him I think it's really the good times that I love. I can't spend forever waiting for a good time to come along. Even now when he's clean he's angry, verbally abusive, lying, unreliable and purposely intimidating.
I feel slightly more clear headed.
Although I love him I think it's really the good times that I love. I can't spend forever waiting for a good time to come along. Even now when he's clean he's angry, verbally abusive, lying, unreliable and purposely intimidating.
I feel slightly more clear headed.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Keep working on yourself and let your husband work (should he decide to do so) on himself. I think you and your daughter are very fortunate to be away from all the drama of living with an addict. Don't trade that for more "lying, stealing, domestic abuse, disappearing for days at a time, pawning mine and our daughters belongings, etc., his only plans are to stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet." Maybe he'll finally wake up and decide to change, but he certainly hasn't shown you any change of heart to date. It will take a lot of effort on his part to recover. At the rate he's going, I predict another relapse is looming.
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Kelley- are you from the NW? It's a small world, I came across someone from the same area as me on here a few months ago!
I agree that he may be headed towards relapse. He tells me it's weird that I want to go to meetings and talk about things with people I don't really know, that it's not normal to do that, they're not interested except for gossip purposes and it's not my problem anyway.
I attend Families Anonymous but it's 12 step so I assume it's very like AlAnon and NarAnon. I'm struggling with parts; you know when it tells you to forget the past and have no thought for the future? How do I tie that in with remembering all the reasons I can't go back? That might be a stupid question.
I agree that he may be headed towards relapse. He tells me it's weird that I want to go to meetings and talk about things with people I don't really know, that it's not normal to do that, they're not interested except for gossip purposes and it's not my problem anyway.
I attend Families Anonymous but it's 12 step so I assume it's very like AlAnon and NarAnon. I'm struggling with parts; you know when it tells you to forget the past and have no thought for the future? How do I tie that in with remembering all the reasons I can't go back? That might be a stupid question.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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"He isn't attending meetings, he isn't attending therapy, he isn't seeing a counsellor or a key worker, he isn't interested in rehab. It seems like his only plans are to stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet."
And how is it that he's magically "clean"?
Do his actions portray a person who is working hard to get sober??
Can't relapse if he's still using.
And how is it that he's magically "clean"?
Do his actions portray a person who is working hard to get sober??
Can't relapse if he's still using.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Windmills....
Abstaining is not recovery. It doesn't even sound to me like he is abstaining much....he's just taking a wee little break.
Some random thoughts and sharing ideas that I have gleened from some others that I thought were really great ways to cope and "sit thru" the uncomfortable parts.
If at all possible....when you move to your new place....try not to put out things that remind you of him. for now.....
That being....don't make a shrine of his pictures or other things present to include him in your new sanctuary.
Make your new place as void of his presence as possible...and all about YOUR place of peace, serenity, tranquility.
Your daughter, at age one...is not going to notice if pictures of him are absent....and you only need to do this for now.
Take each room of your new place and make it all about you and your daughter. Make each room the way you want it......take time to give each room thought. Search the internet for ideas. Save up the $$ for special decor items or shop the second hand stores and thrift shops. Be creative!
Look at it as a totally new beginning and if you don't have the money....it costs nothing to dream. Give thanks everyday that you have a place that you can make into your own.
The more you do that....the more peaceful your place...the safer you will feel and you won't want anyone to come in and take that away from you.
The other idea that someone else did....is...
She took a notebook and wrote down each thing that her husband had done..that was bad. And everytime she wanted to feel sorry for him...or missed him...she sat down and read each thing. Actually...the gal that told me this...was living in the same house that her husband abused her in....abandoned her in....terrorized her in...etc. and she put each thing on a sticky note. She said she had sticky notes all over the house.
When she moved to her new house...she took all of the notes and put them in a notebook.
Hugs to you...and remember....each time you start feeling sorry for him, missing him...etc. just sit on your hands and wait for the feeling to pass. It's just a feeling...and it will pass. Then return to good orderly direction for yourself.
Abstaining is not recovery. It doesn't even sound to me like he is abstaining much....he's just taking a wee little break.
Some random thoughts and sharing ideas that I have gleened from some others that I thought were really great ways to cope and "sit thru" the uncomfortable parts.
If at all possible....when you move to your new place....try not to put out things that remind you of him. for now.....
That being....don't make a shrine of his pictures or other things present to include him in your new sanctuary.
Make your new place as void of his presence as possible...and all about YOUR place of peace, serenity, tranquility.
Your daughter, at age one...is not going to notice if pictures of him are absent....and you only need to do this for now.
Take each room of your new place and make it all about you and your daughter. Make each room the way you want it......take time to give each room thought. Search the internet for ideas. Save up the $$ for special decor items or shop the second hand stores and thrift shops. Be creative!
Look at it as a totally new beginning and if you don't have the money....it costs nothing to dream. Give thanks everyday that you have a place that you can make into your own.
The more you do that....the more peaceful your place...the safer you will feel and you won't want anyone to come in and take that away from you.
The other idea that someone else did....is...
She took a notebook and wrote down each thing that her husband had done..that was bad. And everytime she wanted to feel sorry for him...or missed him...she sat down and read each thing. Actually...the gal that told me this...was living in the same house that her husband abused her in....abandoned her in....terrorized her in...etc. and she put each thing on a sticky note. She said she had sticky notes all over the house.
When she moved to her new house...she took all of the notes and put them in a notebook.
Hugs to you...and remember....each time you start feeling sorry for him, missing him...etc. just sit on your hands and wait for the feeling to pass. It's just a feeling...and it will pass. Then return to good orderly direction for yourself.
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Originally Posted by Windmills 
He tells me it's weird that I want to go to meetings and talk about things with people I don't really know, that it's not normal to do that, they're not interested except for gossip purposes and it's not my problem anyway.
Is it normal for an adult man to lie, steal, abuse, disappear, pawn his family's stuff, stay in bed until the afternoon and then sit round watching tv or playing on the Internet?
He should be moving heaven and earth to provide for his family. Instead, he takes and takes and takes.
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Sofacat- I am aware he's not using at the moment due to his behaviours. He is generally nasty, conniving and steals from me. The fact he says he's not using is irrelevant, I go by his actions these days and he's definitely not using now.. At least not constantly. I suppose he could be every so often but I'd say that was about every 2 weeks.
YearForMe- I LOVE those ideas. I don't know how to reconcile those with not dwelling in the past and having no thought for the future actions of others. Can I be exempt from those in this case? Ha!
YearForMe- I LOVE those ideas. I don't know how to reconcile those with not dwelling in the past and having no thought for the future actions of others. Can I be exempt from those in this case? Ha!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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the concept/spiritual principle that I know from the 12 steps is this:
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
This means that we are self aware of our own past...our behaviors, reactions, vulnerabilities, motives, etc., etc. It also means that we do not "dwell" on it, as in get depressed by reliving the pain, get obsessed with regret about it, or in any way think we can/could/would change it. But we also do not shut the door on it...we do not repress it, we do not white wash it, we honor it as part of our life lesson (no matter how hard) and we learn from it. re: those who do not learn from their past are destined to repeat it. Ha ha...if you knew my story you would know that I have been "learning" for some time now!!
This is the idea of "forgive but don't forget". We forgive because we know that the other person is sick, that we have been sick, and the past we have shared with them has been sick. We forgive because we cannot change the past and do not want to carry that sickness with us as we move forward. (There are MANY other reasons to forgive...) but we don't forget (journals, notebooks, etc) because we would be un-self-aware to do so. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me several times and I need recovery for codependency!
You may find that you simply are amazed on branching out onto your own! You won't be "alone" with your daughter, you can and will find support! You already have. It takes a village to raise a child. (But it doesn't take an un-recovering addict!)
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
This means that we are self aware of our own past...our behaviors, reactions, vulnerabilities, motives, etc., etc. It also means that we do not "dwell" on it, as in get depressed by reliving the pain, get obsessed with regret about it, or in any way think we can/could/would change it. But we also do not shut the door on it...we do not repress it, we do not white wash it, we honor it as part of our life lesson (no matter how hard) and we learn from it. re: those who do not learn from their past are destined to repeat it. Ha ha...if you knew my story you would know that I have been "learning" for some time now!!
This is the idea of "forgive but don't forget". We forgive because we know that the other person is sick, that we have been sick, and the past we have shared with them has been sick. We forgive because we cannot change the past and do not want to carry that sickness with us as we move forward. (There are MANY other reasons to forgive...) but we don't forget (journals, notebooks, etc) because we would be un-self-aware to do so. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me several times and I need recovery for codependency!
You may find that you simply are amazed on branching out onto your own! You won't be "alone" with your daughter, you can and will find support! You already have. It takes a village to raise a child. (But it doesn't take an un-recovering addict!)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Sometimes, in the early stages of recovery, a codependent cannot take actions that help herself or help her children, but she is willing to take actions that help her addicted partner.
Her heart is still all wrapped in him.
So here is the reality, Windmill:
He is a drug addict who is bound for destruction. He is going to die.
Do you want to help save this man you love?
Then don't be an enabler.
His ADDICTION is sitting on the couch, biding its time before the next glorious drug run, and his ADDICTION is delighted and is smug because it thinks it has you wrapped around its fingers.
It thinks it can get away with anything, with you. It thinks you will let it steal, abuse, neglect, lie and destroy your family while every day it cunningly takes more and more of his life.
Codependents always have two choices: enable the addiction or don't enable the addiction.
Anytime a codependent allows an addict to abuse her or their relationship or their children or another family member or innocent bystanders, that codependent is an active enabler just as he is an active drug addict.
If you stay with your man without a firm expectation of RECOVERY (as noted above, he just takes mini-breaks, which makes the next run that much more intense and enjoyable), then you are helping addiction kill him.
It has been proven over decades of experience that when people stop enabling addicts, addicts are forced to seek recovery.
Let him go and let God take over. If God wants him back in your life again, God will support the man in full-on recovery and ship him back to you one day. That day will not be SOON. He would need 6 months to get stable, another 6 months to work on issues.
So what are your plans for 2012, Windmill? They should not include him.
Love your child with all your heart and give her the gift of a healthy, calm mother. Blessings to you both.
Her heart is still all wrapped in him.
So here is the reality, Windmill:
He is a drug addict who is bound for destruction. He is going to die.
Do you want to help save this man you love?
Then don't be an enabler.
His ADDICTION is sitting on the couch, biding its time before the next glorious drug run, and his ADDICTION is delighted and is smug because it thinks it has you wrapped around its fingers.
It thinks it can get away with anything, with you. It thinks you will let it steal, abuse, neglect, lie and destroy your family while every day it cunningly takes more and more of his life.
Codependents always have two choices: enable the addiction or don't enable the addiction.
Anytime a codependent allows an addict to abuse her or their relationship or their children or another family member or innocent bystanders, that codependent is an active enabler just as he is an active drug addict.
If you stay with your man without a firm expectation of RECOVERY (as noted above, he just takes mini-breaks, which makes the next run that much more intense and enjoyable), then you are helping addiction kill him.
It has been proven over decades of experience that when people stop enabling addicts, addicts are forced to seek recovery.
Let him go and let God take over. If God wants him back in your life again, God will support the man in full-on recovery and ship him back to you one day. That day will not be SOON. He would need 6 months to get stable, another 6 months to work on issues.
So what are your plans for 2012, Windmill? They should not include him.
Love your child with all your heart and give her the gift of a healthy, calm mother. Blessings to you both.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
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Ah, thankyou. You've actually really helped me out there. I don't know who I'm supposed to ask these questions to- I haven't found a sponsor and don't find myself drawn to anyone who has worked the program long enough to sponsor.
But I'm lucky that I've made some good connections and found people with history similar to mine.
I'm going to copy and paste your post and save it onto my laptop so I can remind myself of that.
But I'm lucky that I've made some good connections and found people with history similar to mine.
I'm going to copy and paste your post and save it onto my laptop so I can remind myself of that.
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EnglishGarden I am actually really hurt by that post. I have taken action to protect my daughter- I left him in October and have lived with my mum since then. I haven't stayed with him without expectations of recovery and I certainly haven't allowed my daughter to be abused.
Ouch. Your post shouldn't have got to me the way it has. I feel like I've done a lot to protect my child and although I can handle the rest of the post (kinda) that bit really stings.
I dont really have any plans. I'm hoping to get into my new house, then pretty soon it's my daughters second birthday. I'm hoping to work all the programs I have been put forward for (freedom program, harmony program, changing habits and behaviours course) and then eventually do some volunteering for the DAS and some other charities. I hope to get a job as an outreach worker, do night school and when my daughter starts school I hope to go to university to be a social worker.
Ouch. Your post shouldn't have got to me the way it has. I feel like I've done a lot to protect my child and although I can handle the rest of the post (kinda) that bit really stings.
I dont really have any plans. I'm hoping to get into my new house, then pretty soon it's my daughters second birthday. I'm hoping to work all the programs I have been put forward for (freedom program, harmony program, changing habits and behaviours course) and then eventually do some volunteering for the DAS and some other charities. I hope to get a job as an outreach worker, do night school and when my daughter starts school I hope to go to university to be a social worker.
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