Unsure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Unsure
Hello,
I just found this forum, hoping it can help me.
Alcohol has always been an important part of my life and my families' rituals. I've been abusing it for years, but things have come to a scary head recently. I think I have Edema, and I'm horrifyingly compelled to the bar even while my brain is saying "don't do this, Erin!" I've made a few terrible decisions, and am getting a little scared about what might happen.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without it. Socially, I mean. It's partly what defines me. I'm a good time girl, and am known for my open mindedness and fun spirit. I'm also known for being strong and in control. (Kind of a joke now, I guess.) I don't know who I am without alcohol. I'm not sure I want to know.
What I want, ideally, is just to get some control over it. I don't necessarily want to quit. Is that possible? Can I turn myself into one of those lucky sons-of-bitches who has a glass or two with dinner then lets it go?
I'm scared and ashamed. One person in my life knows the way I feel. He was in the same boat before his cancer diagnosis, and is very understanding and supportive. I'm terrified of telling my family, and the whole thing just seems impossible.
I don't know how to close this message. Would love to hear about a few of your experiences, I guess. Advice?
I just found this forum, hoping it can help me.
Alcohol has always been an important part of my life and my families' rituals. I've been abusing it for years, but things have come to a scary head recently. I think I have Edema, and I'm horrifyingly compelled to the bar even while my brain is saying "don't do this, Erin!" I've made a few terrible decisions, and am getting a little scared about what might happen.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without it. Socially, I mean. It's partly what defines me. I'm a good time girl, and am known for my open mindedness and fun spirit. I'm also known for being strong and in control. (Kind of a joke now, I guess.) I don't know who I am without alcohol. I'm not sure I want to know.
What I want, ideally, is just to get some control over it. I don't necessarily want to quit. Is that possible? Can I turn myself into one of those lucky sons-of-bitches who has a glass or two with dinner then lets it go?
I'm scared and ashamed. One person in my life knows the way I feel. He was in the same boat before his cancer diagnosis, and is very understanding and supportive. I'm terrified of telling my family, and the whole thing just seems impossible.
I don't know how to close this message. Would love to hear about a few of your experiences, I guess. Advice?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Edema is very serious and is a symptom of cirrhosis. Get your butt to a Dr please.
In terms of not knowing if you can live without it, most of us felt that way. But you can. It really helps to be part of a support group. AA, Smart, Women for Sobriety, whatever.
This caught my eye:
As someone said the other day, if moderation worked, we'd have a moderation forum here, and you could browse through it to read all of the moderation success stories. There is a group called "Moderation Management" that is for people that want to moderate their drinking. The founder was Audrey Kishline. Google up her story and let us know what you think.
In terms of not knowing if you can live without it, most of us felt that way. But you can. It really helps to be part of a support group. AA, Smart, Women for Sobriety, whatever.
This caught my eye:
Originally Posted by ErinErin
What I want, ideally, is just to get some control over it. I don't necessarily want to quit. Is that possible? Can I turn myself into one of those lucky sons-of-bitches who has a glass or two with dinner then lets it go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Thanks, Dgillz. I don't have cirrhosis, I don't believe, as I was just in the hospital for a kidney infection (another story) and they said my liver function was fine. "Next round on me!" I thought.
Good point about moderation, and I feel kinda sheepish for asking about it, after reviewing a lot of the posts on this forum. Thanks for the Moderation Management referral, as well as the names of non-AA organizations. I'm not religious, and the heavily structured approach probably isn't for me. I've been under the impression it was AA or nothing, which may have delayed things for me.
Thanks again for responding!
Good point about moderation, and I feel kinda sheepish for asking about it, after reviewing a lot of the posts on this forum. Thanks for the Moderation Management referral, as well as the names of non-AA organizations. I'm not religious, and the heavily structured approach probably isn't for me. I've been under the impression it was AA or nothing, which may have delayed things for me.
Thanks again for responding!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Alcohol has always been an important part of my life and my families' rituals. I've been abusing it for years, but things have come to a scary head recently.
I started my sober journey in my doctors office. I told my doc how much I drank and I had the full blood work done. I think it is a great place to start because I got my first practice session talking openly about my drinking and my fears about it. Since then I've talked about it in many other places with many other people. It was good, though, to have a starting point....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Its not "AA or nothing", but in defense of AA, that is the most loosely structred organization in the world. No dues, no membership lists, nothing. And one of my best buds in AA is an atheist - they even have atheist/agnostic AA meetings. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
There is a religious history to AA. Some people freak out at the use of the word "god". In m 8 years in AA no one has ever tried to convert me, ask me to pray with them, invite me to church, nothing like that. FWIW, I am religious in that I believe in a higher power, but I only go to church if someone is getting married or buried.
There is a religious history to AA. Some people freak out at the use of the word "god". In m 8 years in AA no one has ever tried to convert me, ask me to pray with them, invite me to church, nothing like that. FWIW, I am religious in that I believe in a higher power, but I only go to church if someone is getting married or buried.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
ErinErin, I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so ..... if you try to "manage" alcohol in your life it will continue to kick the crap out of you harder and harder until you are "sure".
To some degree it's your choice, I wish you the best.
(One of the older ladies in our group explained her drinking career as "like having sex with a gorilla". it wasn't over until the gorilla said it was over).
Bob R
To some degree it's your choice, I wish you the best.
(One of the older ladies in our group explained her drinking career as "like having sex with a gorilla". it wasn't over until the gorilla said it was over).
Bob R
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Erin!
I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol either, but I knew things would get worse if I didn't do something - it wasn't going to get any easier to quit "someday." Trying to control it didn't work for me because I always wanted "just one more."
As it turned out, sobriety was the best thing I ever did for myself. The more days I spent sober, the better I felt (and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too). I'm glad you're here - it really helps to have lots of input and support!
I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol either, but I knew things would get worse if I didn't do something - it wasn't going to get any easier to quit "someday." Trying to control it didn't work for me because I always wanted "just one more."
As it turned out, sobriety was the best thing I ever did for myself. The more days I spent sober, the better I felt (and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too). I'm glad you're here - it really helps to have lots of input and support!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,519
Erin - For me, controlling it was never possible. I must have made hundreds of promises to myself over the years. I'll just have one, just drink beer, just on special occasions/holidays/vacations. I panicked at the thought of having to give it up completely. I was never able to predict what would happen once that first drink hit my system. All my plans flew out the window - and the one drink became 10.
In the end, it was much easier to just not touch it. Yes, there was an adjustment period - it had been part of my life forever - but it was killing me. The fun times were in the distant past, and they weren't coming back.
I hope you'll continue to post and be part of SR. This is a great place where everyone understands.
In the end, it was much easier to just not touch it. Yes, there was an adjustment period - it had been part of my life forever - but it was killing me. The fun times were in the distant past, and they weren't coming back.
I hope you'll continue to post and be part of SR. This is a great place where everyone understands.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,464
Hi Erin,
If you are an alcoholic, you can't control your drinking. Most of us here, including me, have tried countless times to make moderation work. I was so determined to control my drinking, while in fact, it continued to worsen.
I could not imagine life without alcohol either, but, I am so thankful that I am sober, and I have not regretted a single day of recovery. I hope that you can find some way, other than alcohol, to define yourself.
If you are an alcoholic, you can't control your drinking. Most of us here, including me, have tried countless times to make moderation work. I was so determined to control my drinking, while in fact, it continued to worsen.
I could not imagine life without alcohol either, but, I am so thankful that I am sober, and I have not regretted a single day of recovery. I hope that you can find some way, other than alcohol, to define yourself.
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