13longyears

I made my first post recently regarding my husband relapsing on Vicodin. Since then he is back in meetings and trying to stay sober and I believe he has. That said, I was so hurt by this relapse b/c of all the progress we made as a family that I'm having a hard time being around him. How do I continue to live in the same house with him (for now) and maintain a non angry face? I don't want my daughter seeing me act hateful. I love my husband and would want more than anything for us to stay together, but I don't have too much hope. I believe divorce will be inevitable once my finances are in order. And now that he's back on the right track he continually tries to engage me, be kind, loving, but I'm still angry. Mind you he went off the tracks for 5 days on the pills, but it mine as well have been 5 years, I'm too spent.

13longyears

Also wanted to add that in three days we are going to Disney as a family with my parents as well. Of course this was a prebooked/prepaid triP before the relapse. But how in the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm dreading it.



Also I feel as though if I lower my chin or show him any tenderness he mistakes it for compliance, like all is forgiven.

outtolunch

In your first post to this forum you shared that hes been at this for at least 13 years and has been lying on and off the whole time.

Know that he's not using dope at you and your child but doing so in spite of you and his child. It's not personal. It just feels that way.

Addiction is a selfish beast and demands he protect ( the lying) and sustain it. And 13 yerars is a long, long time. It does not sound like he has acquired an appreciation for how his addiction has impacted his family and thereis a heck of a lot more to recovery than simply not using. When trust is broken it takes a huge toll.Only you can decide if you want to live like this going forward.

Under the circumstances, does it make sense to ask him to stay home while you and your child and family do the Disney thing? I don't see how pretending all is well benefits anyone.

13longyears

I already asked him to stay home, he said no way.

13longyears

He hasn't been at this 13 years, we have been together 13 years. I would estimate it's been a problem for 5. Nonetheless, he's still an addict.

EnglishGarden

13,

You write "I love my husband and would want more than anything for us to stay together." You also mention a daughter in this marriage.

Your husband has addictive disease which is highly prone to relapse. It is defined as a "chronic, relapsing" disease.

I believe that while he is now working to again stay clean, your responsibility is to engage in deep, intensive work around your complex feelings, buried resentments, expectations, and individual development.

To remain married to a recovering addict is to consciously and willingly be at peace with the possibility of relapse on any day in any hour.

It is to be able to detach from that relapse by not personalizing it as an action toward you or your marriage. And to be able to separate his path of personal growth and struggle from your own path.

When you return from Disneyland, if you wish to remain with this man you say you love, and to keep your daughter's father in her home, and to do your part in repairing the destruction addiction has wrought on your family, then your responsibility is to go for help for yourself with the same level of intensity and commitment you expect from your husband as he strives for sobriety.

If he is an addict who is verbally or physically violent, who steals or cheats, then I would suggest a legal separation.

But if he is an addict making (sometimes repeated) attempts to get and to remain sober, then my feeling is that your responsibility as the co-addict (the person who is mutually affected by the family disease) is to work your own program of recovery with all your heart and mind.

If you do not wish to do this, it would be better you let him go and make your own life. Living with him and resenting his relapses (which are common, most especially with opiates as there is a deep emotional element involved in opiate addiction), is, in my opinion, a subtle form of abuse: you abuse yourself by putting on a mask, you abuse him by passive aggressive resentments, and your daughter suffers because her home is filled with toxic emotions.

So search your heart, take your time so you are clear, and decide.

13longyears

Your words really just spoke to me, put things in a doable perspective, thank you.

13longyears

Wanted To add he has never been verbally or physically abusive, even at his worst. It doesn't make things ok, but it seems to make it harder for me for some reason.