STILL ANGRY after all these years
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
STILL ANGRY after all these years
Hi, I'm Mo.
I have been in recovery and going to therapy for my ACOA issues (icluding PTSD) for years. I have zero contact with my dry drunk father as he was abusive and I feel no bond. Ive found the best amends I can make is to stay away. My brother and I had a phone conversation the other day (he is in recovery and in therapy too) and he is dealing with an issue with my parents where my father is being unagreeable, ungrateful, and could be abusive to my mother if my brother handles the situation a certain way.
I hear the story and it makes me angry all over again. He (brother) says he tries to have compassion for my father...I've had glimpses of that. However, I hear things about my father and just think abut him and it makes me angry and resentful all over again....not even about the past. He presents new situations with people in my life that **** me off all over again...
Any advice? Can anyone relate? My therapist says I am haunted by my past amd angry at God. I believe in the power of love- that's my HP. So, its hard to process that. Maybe I am still angry at the hand I've been dealt.....and , general question; how do i get notifications of replies to my thread? (new here to the site- trying to figure this all out) Thanks for reading.
I have been in recovery and going to therapy for my ACOA issues (icluding PTSD) for years. I have zero contact with my dry drunk father as he was abusive and I feel no bond. Ive found the best amends I can make is to stay away. My brother and I had a phone conversation the other day (he is in recovery and in therapy too) and he is dealing with an issue with my parents where my father is being unagreeable, ungrateful, and could be abusive to my mother if my brother handles the situation a certain way.
I hear the story and it makes me angry all over again. He (brother) says he tries to have compassion for my father...I've had glimpses of that. However, I hear things about my father and just think abut him and it makes me angry and resentful all over again....not even about the past. He presents new situations with people in my life that **** me off all over again...
Any advice? Can anyone relate? My therapist says I am haunted by my past amd angry at God. I believe in the power of love- that's my HP. So, its hard to process that. Maybe I am still angry at the hand I've been dealt.....and , general question; how do i get notifications of replies to my thread? (new here to the site- trying to figure this all out) Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Mo S; 02-21-2012 at 05:49 AM. Reason: typing errrors
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hi Mo,
Welcome to you, glad you are here, I understand where you are coming from, I just turned 50 and my mom has been drinking between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day since I was small, her only breaks were two ICU stays for drinking related heart damamge. Mom is an acid tongued witch, has driven all her friends away, her and my father fight constantly, he is her constant enabler, no recovery for him either.
I limit my contact to mom to the bare minimum ususally holidays and the occasionsal visit.
I can tell you one thing that has really helped me is EMDR therapy, I don't know if you are familiar with it, but if you would like to know I would be glad to share.
I have no idea how to get notifications on your posts, I would private message one of the moderators at the bottom of the page if no one has an answer for you.
And Mo, you are not alone, there are so many of us who have been hurt by the people who were supposed to love us, just read some of the the threads.
If you are interested in the Angry at God thing, I would like to suggest a book, "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh. It is one of many takes on God and his role in our lives, why does he let bad things happen to good people, etc. but I found it rational and thought provoking.
Big hugs and best of luck,
Bill
Welcome to you, glad you are here, I understand where you are coming from, I just turned 50 and my mom has been drinking between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day since I was small, her only breaks were two ICU stays for drinking related heart damamge. Mom is an acid tongued witch, has driven all her friends away, her and my father fight constantly, he is her constant enabler, no recovery for him either.
I limit my contact to mom to the bare minimum ususally holidays and the occasionsal visit.
I can tell you one thing that has really helped me is EMDR therapy, I don't know if you are familiar with it, but if you would like to know I would be glad to share.
I have no idea how to get notifications on your posts, I would private message one of the moderators at the bottom of the page if no one has an answer for you.
And Mo, you are not alone, there are so many of us who have been hurt by the people who were supposed to love us, just read some of the the threads.
If you are interested in the Angry at God thing, I would like to suggest a book, "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh. It is one of many takes on God and his role in our lives, why does he let bad things happen to good people, etc. but I found it rational and thought provoking.
Big hugs and best of luck,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Ive learned that my own recovery and
sobriety it is extremely important to me
and can't or will not let anyone mess
with it, including family.
21 yrs sober AA and ACOA and Ive have
finally in my heart, mind, soul, physically,
mentally and emotionally divorced myself
from the family and parent that hurt me.
I came from a family where illness was and
I was infected or affected by that illness. I
got into recovery 21 yrs ago and thru that I
am happier, healthier, freer than i have ever
been in my life.
I refuse to subject myself to that illness any
longer because my recovery means that much
to me.
Ive also learned that I can't change people,
places and things in my life but rather accept
them for just the way they are. So since I cant
change them, i had to change me and I have
for the better more humble child of my HP I
can possibly be to the best of my ability.
Take care of YOU because you are that important..!
sobriety it is extremely important to me
and can't or will not let anyone mess
with it, including family.
21 yrs sober AA and ACOA and Ive have
finally in my heart, mind, soul, physically,
mentally and emotionally divorced myself
from the family and parent that hurt me.
I came from a family where illness was and
I was infected or affected by that illness. I
got into recovery 21 yrs ago and thru that I
am happier, healthier, freer than i have ever
been in my life.
I refuse to subject myself to that illness any
longer because my recovery means that much
to me.
Ive also learned that I can't change people,
places and things in my life but rather accept
them for just the way they are. So since I cant
change them, i had to change me and I have
for the better more humble child of my HP I
can possibly be to the best of my ability.
Take care of YOU because you are that important..!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Hi, Mo,
I recently posted with a similar question: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...continues.html I, myself, need to go re-read all the answers, as it is sometimes a daily struggle. When other things in life are difficult, I still find myself wondering how much of my anger at someone else is stemming in part from the underlying, never-ending sources of stress from my family, or how much my anger stems from interpreting what someone else said and did in light of what it would have meant coming from my family.
I have also done EMDR therapy and found it very helpful. The other best thing I think I've done is to get on with my own life. I made a list at 42things.com and started pursuing it, and while I'm obviously still struggling with anger, my life is now full enough of my own pursuits and accomplishments and things I need or want to continue doing, that I have far less time to dwell on them than I otherwise would. I have made many new friends, and as a result, spend far more time out and about with people who are good in my life--during which times I'm not even thinking about my family.
It's not perfect, it hasn't entirely solved the problem, but it makes a huge difference.
I recently posted with a similar question: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...continues.html I, myself, need to go re-read all the answers, as it is sometimes a daily struggle. When other things in life are difficult, I still find myself wondering how much of my anger at someone else is stemming in part from the underlying, never-ending sources of stress from my family, or how much my anger stems from interpreting what someone else said and did in light of what it would have meant coming from my family.
I have also done EMDR therapy and found it very helpful. The other best thing I think I've done is to get on with my own life. I made a list at 42things.com and started pursuing it, and while I'm obviously still struggling with anger, my life is now full enough of my own pursuits and accomplishments and things I need or want to continue doing, that I have far less time to dwell on them than I otherwise would. I have made many new friends, and as a result, spend far more time out and about with people who are good in my life--during which times I'm not even thinking about my family.
It's not perfect, it hasn't entirely solved the problem, but it makes a huge difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Try this if you still haven't gotten info on getting notifications:
Go to top left of any page, look for the blue bar and click on
User CP
Then go down the column on the left that says "Your Control Panel" and click on
Edit Options
Then look at the center options called
"Default Thread Subscription Mode"
This has a drop down menu with options to choose from for email notification of threads that you subscribe to.
Might be another way to do this in your own page but I don't that one.
Go to top left of any page, look for the blue bar and click on
User CP
Then go down the column on the left that says "Your Control Panel" and click on
Edit Options
Then look at the center options called
"Default Thread Subscription Mode"
This has a drop down menu with options to choose from for email notification of threads that you subscribe to.
Might be another way to do this in your own page but I don't that one.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds reasonable to be angry at your father when you hear about the bad things he has done/is doing. You are not your brother, and it is o.k. if your reaction and his are different. Maybe you can tell your brother that you don't want to talk about your father? Or, can you change the subject when he starts to talk about him? It's sometimes too much to hear my relatives talking about the latest thing my AM is up to. It is especially difficult if they are making excuses for her or pretending like everything is o.k. when it isn't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Yes, it is very easy to get angry at what happened as a kid or teen and even adult and you were not aware of what it all was: an extremely dysfunctional family.
I have anger, sometimes sadness of how it all even happened and was not knowing what it was.
You have to process through that, but, unfortunately you get them out of your life and one little message from them makes it all come back and you are at the angry phase again.
Anger, disgust, disbelief that such a nice family ended up being so dysfunctional and how much I put up with because of my love for them.
Only reading about ACA and all the steps we have to take (including anger) and knowing others were going through this helped.
Is it me, but any contact at all brings up the whole process again.
Getting out and meeting new people - family of choice - helps tremendously. If I am just sitting here doing nothing I find I dwell on it - more so if someone from family makes a connection acting as if nothing ever happened. These are just steps we take with recovery.
I have anger, sometimes sadness of how it all even happened and was not knowing what it was.
You have to process through that, but, unfortunately you get them out of your life and one little message from them makes it all come back and you are at the angry phase again.
Anger, disgust, disbelief that such a nice family ended up being so dysfunctional and how much I put up with because of my love for them.
Only reading about ACA and all the steps we have to take (including anger) and knowing others were going through this helped.
Is it me, but any contact at all brings up the whole process again.
Getting out and meeting new people - family of choice - helps tremendously. If I am just sitting here doing nothing I find I dwell on it - more so if someone from family makes a connection acting as if nothing ever happened. These are just steps we take with recovery.
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