Starting a New Relationship With My Best Friend?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Starting a New Relationship With My Best Friend?
I'm still recovering from XABF's years of abuse. I'm getting better, have broken through the denial and accepted the truth, and am currently just trying to harness this intense anger and hatred towards him, taking meds and counseling to treat the PTSD, etc.
Here's my situation and any advice would help:
One of the closest and most supportive people in my life is my old college boyfriend. We met when I was 19 and dated 2 years, but I was SO young I broke up w/ him to go spread my wings, etc. We always remained friends, he always loved me and maintained that nobody he dated came close to what we have. In the 10 years since we've broken up he has never pushed me, but always just subtly let me know that when I am ready he is there waiting.
He has cared for my cat for 1 year while my life was torn apart by XABF, supported me emotionally through it all, etc. He is one of my BEST friends in the world and always has been.
I have broken free from XABF's mind control (or rather my addiction to the fantasy of a happy life with him) and now realize that this person, my college bf, is the one I want to spend my life with. I've always known this in the back of my mind, but I was seeking excitement and drama, that chaos I was wired for since childhood, and let's face it, nice responsible guys like him are boring and predictable to codies. Also, I subconsciously didn't feel like I was good enough for someone like him. I couldn't handle someone taking care of ME.
He's kind, supportive, fun, responsible (he's also become filthy rich in the 12 years I've known him, which is a nice bonus considering I spent the last 2 years financially supporting a psychopath who raped my soul as well as put me so deep in debt...lol), and everything I want in a partner.
THIS is the guy/life that I want, and will be a gift and blessing rather than a curse. To have someone who truly loves and looks out for me, honors his commitments, responsibilities. Is able to provide for a family both emotionally and financially. Give me boring and predictable! Finally I have seen the light! LoL.
Sorry so long, but I guess what I'm asking is would it be a bad idea to get back into a relationship with him right now even though he is and always has been one of my biggest supporters in life? How can I do this the healthy way? He is totally understanding, and even if I did accept his proposal to start our life together, he'd give me all the space and time I needed to work on myself and my recovery. He'd be there and would support me every step of the way.
He's flying me back home this month to visit. What do I do? I know this is my fate but would it be wrong to run to him now? It's tricky because I need support from friends and family to get through this trauma and he is my #1 friend/supporter. But the sex and romance does complicate that still...
Is this OK? Is it wrong for me to be with him now? Thanks, and I really missed SR. Lol.
Here's my situation and any advice would help:
One of the closest and most supportive people in my life is my old college boyfriend. We met when I was 19 and dated 2 years, but I was SO young I broke up w/ him to go spread my wings, etc. We always remained friends, he always loved me and maintained that nobody he dated came close to what we have. In the 10 years since we've broken up he has never pushed me, but always just subtly let me know that when I am ready he is there waiting.
He has cared for my cat for 1 year while my life was torn apart by XABF, supported me emotionally through it all, etc. He is one of my BEST friends in the world and always has been.
I have broken free from XABF's mind control (or rather my addiction to the fantasy of a happy life with him) and now realize that this person, my college bf, is the one I want to spend my life with. I've always known this in the back of my mind, but I was seeking excitement and drama, that chaos I was wired for since childhood, and let's face it, nice responsible guys like him are boring and predictable to codies. Also, I subconsciously didn't feel like I was good enough for someone like him. I couldn't handle someone taking care of ME.
He's kind, supportive, fun, responsible (he's also become filthy rich in the 12 years I've known him, which is a nice bonus considering I spent the last 2 years financially supporting a psychopath who raped my soul as well as put me so deep in debt...lol), and everything I want in a partner.
THIS is the guy/life that I want, and will be a gift and blessing rather than a curse. To have someone who truly loves and looks out for me, honors his commitments, responsibilities. Is able to provide for a family both emotionally and financially. Give me boring and predictable! Finally I have seen the light! LoL.
Sorry so long, but I guess what I'm asking is would it be a bad idea to get back into a relationship with him right now even though he is and always has been one of my biggest supporters in life? How can I do this the healthy way? He is totally understanding, and even if I did accept his proposal to start our life together, he'd give me all the space and time I needed to work on myself and my recovery. He'd be there and would support me every step of the way.
He's flying me back home this month to visit. What do I do? I know this is my fate but would it be wrong to run to him now? It's tricky because I need support from friends and family to get through this trauma and he is my #1 friend/supporter. But the sex and romance does complicate that still...
Is this OK? Is it wrong for me to be with him now? Thanks, and I really missed SR. Lol.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
You have to look into your heart and do what is best for you, I can tell you though, I was a drama junkie, after my x-wife and I divorced I met the nicest, sweetest, most angelic woman in the world, did I mention she was normal, and normal was BORING!
It was a huge struggle for me to adjust to a non drama life, I almost lost her because of my inability to pull my head out of my butt and realize what I had.
You say you want boring and predictable, have you tried it on, worn it for more than a day or two, or ten?
This is the dating advice I give to everyone, you think you want to settle down with someone do two things, preferably together.
1) Take a 7 day road trip, take turns driving and reading the map, make sure you go through a major city with horrible highway signs, Chicago, Philadelphia, Miami all come to mind.
2) Go camping, share a tent on the road for a week.
If you can do those two things for a week and not drive each other crazy, you have a good chance of being a couple for a long time.
It was a huge struggle for me to adjust to a non drama life, I almost lost her because of my inability to pull my head out of my butt and realize what I had.
You say you want boring and predictable, have you tried it on, worn it for more than a day or two, or ten?
This is the dating advice I give to everyone, you think you want to settle down with someone do two things, preferably together.
1) Take a 7 day road trip, take turns driving and reading the map, make sure you go through a major city with horrible highway signs, Chicago, Philadelphia, Miami all come to mind.
2) Go camping, share a tent on the road for a week.
If you can do those two things for a week and not drive each other crazy, you have a good chance of being a couple for a long time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
" I almost lost her because of my inability to pull my head out of my butt and realize what I had."
This is what I'm afraid of. None of my other relationships were drama, just the XABF, and I'd usually last 2-5 years in these healthy relationships before sabotaging.
As far as taking a road trip, camping, etc., I've known him for 12 years and we've done all of these things together +100 others 100x over. We've shared cabins, Hamptons houses, 10-day road trips, tents, etc. We never got on each other's nerves.
It's funny how drama junkies twist reality to suit their sick needs. My family has been pushing me to marry him for years, and I've come up with every excuse in the book, including my personal favorite, "He's rich and preppy, and I'm a starving artist/poet. I don't want to be rich and shallow, that's not me." Duh! He's anything but shallow, he worked hard and smart for what he earned and there's no shame in that. Just because he's a finance guy and not some hip, artsy, activist type who's dark and brooding...lol.
I've outgrown that mentality. That fear of ending up like one of the Real Housewives of X. He's not that guy at all, he's humble, and I'm not that girl who's going to run out and get a boob job/fight with fellow rich housewives about things that don't matter.
The real crux of that excuse is I think I've always been afraid to grow up! That's why I ran so far from him knowing how great our life would be together, and came up with every ridiculous excuse in the book to keep running.
My head is out of my a** finally! My therapist even said to me a while back, "it's OK to grow up." I've done all of the things I wanted to do before settling down and then some! I deserve a nice life with a great guy. I think I'm ready for BORING! Not to say there won't be those times where I get that itch...lol.
This is what I'm afraid of. None of my other relationships were drama, just the XABF, and I'd usually last 2-5 years in these healthy relationships before sabotaging.
As far as taking a road trip, camping, etc., I've known him for 12 years and we've done all of these things together +100 others 100x over. We've shared cabins, Hamptons houses, 10-day road trips, tents, etc. We never got on each other's nerves.
It's funny how drama junkies twist reality to suit their sick needs. My family has been pushing me to marry him for years, and I've come up with every excuse in the book, including my personal favorite, "He's rich and preppy, and I'm a starving artist/poet. I don't want to be rich and shallow, that's not me." Duh! He's anything but shallow, he worked hard and smart for what he earned and there's no shame in that. Just because he's a finance guy and not some hip, artsy, activist type who's dark and brooding...lol.
I've outgrown that mentality. That fear of ending up like one of the Real Housewives of X. He's not that guy at all, he's humble, and I'm not that girl who's going to run out and get a boob job/fight with fellow rich housewives about things that don't matter.
The real crux of that excuse is I think I've always been afraid to grow up! That's why I ran so far from him knowing how great our life would be together, and came up with every ridiculous excuse in the book to keep running.
My head is out of my a** finally! My therapist even said to me a while back, "it's OK to grow up." I've done all of the things I wanted to do before settling down and then some! I deserve a nice life with a great guy. I think I'm ready for BORING! Not to say there won't be those times where I get that itch...lol.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
98% of the time the relationship questions on here are "Should I go back with Ex?" or "Should I start a new relationship with Alkie #2?".
This is obviously a tremendous upgrade, is a known quantity, etc. I say go for it. Swing for the fences.
This is obviously a tremendous upgrade, is a known quantity, etc. I say go for it. Swing for the fences.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
My experience-
I became involved with a very good friend. I had know him for many years.
The relationship did not work out AND I lost my friendship with him.
Just tread carefully and know if things don't work out, the friendship might be in jeopardy.
Good Luck!
I became involved with a very good friend. I had know him for many years.
The relationship did not work out AND I lost my friendship with him.
Just tread carefully and know if things don't work out, the friendship might be in jeopardy.
Good Luck!
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Like the others have said, tread carefully, but here is my story:
I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years and during the last leg of that relationship I fell hard for my best friend. He treated me way better than my boyfriend, he was sweet, kind, everything I ever wanted.
Finally when I'd had enough of the abuse by my ex I broke it off with him and I couldn't stay away from my best friend any longer. We are still together today and September will be 2 years for us. He is fully supportive of me being an alcoholic (recovering) and we are planning a long life together.
So just think carefully first and if you do decide to pursue this, take it slow.
I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years and during the last leg of that relationship I fell hard for my best friend. He treated me way better than my boyfriend, he was sweet, kind, everything I ever wanted.
Finally when I'd had enough of the abuse by my ex I broke it off with him and I couldn't stay away from my best friend any longer. We are still together today and September will be 2 years for us. He is fully supportive of me being an alcoholic (recovering) and we are planning a long life together.
So just think carefully first and if you do decide to pursue this, take it slow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by FlyerFan 
Like the others have said, tread carefully, but here is my story:
I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years and during the last leg of that relationship I fell hard for my best friend. He treated me way better than my boyfriend, he was sweet, kind, everything I ever wanted.
Finally when I'd had enough of the abuse by my ex I broke it off with him and I couldn't stay away from my best friend any longer. We are still together today and September will be 2 years for us. He is fully supportive of me being an alcoholic (recovering) and we are planning a long life together.
So just think carefully first and if you do decide to pursue this, take it slow.
I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years and during the last leg of that relationship I fell hard for my best friend. He treated me way better than my boyfriend, he was sweet, kind, everything I ever wanted.
Finally when I'd had enough of the abuse by my ex I broke it off with him and I couldn't stay away from my best friend any longer. We are still together today and September will be 2 years for us. He is fully supportive of me being an alcoholic (recovering) and we are planning a long life together.
So just think carefully first and if you do decide to pursue this, take it slow.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Go for it. Tread gently. Be brutally honest. Explain addiction to him. That's my advice, which I'm obviously not giving because we don't give advice here...
Let me tell you about me instead. I am in a relationship with a man I have been friends with since I was 16. Over 30 years. He also has a dysfunctional marriage behind him. From the moment we realized our friendship wa turning to love, we set this rule: No BS. No mind games. Complete honesty. And it has worked. Very well.
We did go through a process of "How do I know I want him for him and not just because he's someone who pays attention and is nice?" and many rounds of expecting the other person to react like our exes... But it has been healing and the most calm and honest relationship I've ever been in.
I think the complete honesty is difficult when you come out of an abusive relationship, but every time I *don't* get ridiculed or belittled, I heal and realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.
I think I'm too old to want drama. I cherish our "boring" life and am very grateful to have him in my life. Had I not become involved with someone I knew exceedingly well, I would probably never have dated again.
Let me tell you about me instead. I am in a relationship with a man I have been friends with since I was 16. Over 30 years. He also has a dysfunctional marriage behind him. From the moment we realized our friendship wa turning to love, we set this rule: No BS. No mind games. Complete honesty. And it has worked. Very well.
We did go through a process of "How do I know I want him for him and not just because he's someone who pays attention and is nice?" and many rounds of expecting the other person to react like our exes... But it has been healing and the most calm and honest relationship I've ever been in.
I think the complete honesty is difficult when you come out of an abusive relationship, but every time I *don't* get ridiculed or belittled, I heal and realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.
I think I'm too old to want drama. I cherish our "boring" life and am very grateful to have him in my life. Had I not become involved with someone I knew exceedingly well, I would probably never have dated again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by lillamy
Go for it. Tread gently. Be brutally honest. Explain addiction to him. That's my advice, which I'm obviously not giving because we don't give advice here...
Let me tell you about me instead. I am in a relationship with a man I have been friends with since I was 16. Over 30 years. He also has a dysfunctional marriage behind him. From the moment we realized our friendship wa turning to love, we set this rule: No BS. No mind games. Complete honesty. And it has worked. Very well.
We did go through a process of "How do I know I want him for him and not just because he's someone who pays attention and is nice?" and many rounds of expecting the other person to react like our exes... But it has been healing and the most calm and honest relationship I've ever been in.
I think the complete honesty is difficult when you come out of an abusive relationship, but every time I *don't* get ridiculed or belittled, I heal and realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.
I think I'm too old to want drama. I cherish our "boring" life and am very grateful to have him in my life. Had I not become involved with someone I knew exceedingly well, I would probably never have dated again.
Let me tell you about me instead. I am in a relationship with a man I have been friends with since I was 16. Over 30 years. He also has a dysfunctional marriage behind him. From the moment we realized our friendship wa turning to love, we set this rule: No BS. No mind games. Complete honesty. And it has worked. Very well.
We did go through a process of "How do I know I want him for him and not just because he's someone who pays attention and is nice?" and many rounds of expecting the other person to react like our exes... But it has been healing and the most calm and honest relationship I've ever been in.
I think the complete honesty is difficult when you come out of an abusive relationship, but every time I *don't* get ridiculed or belittled, I heal and realize that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.
I think I'm too old to want drama. I cherish our "boring" life and am very grateful to have him in my life. Had I not become involved with someone I knew exceedingly well, I would probably never have dated again.
My guy was also in an abusive relationship before he met me almost 13 years ago. His ex-wife was finally diagnosed bipolar after years of him trying to make it work with her, and although he's so far out of it he understands what I'm going through to an extent.
I'm happy you have someone who is good to and for you! I only knew your situation with XAH from reading posts here...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i must admit to smiling through this thread. what a pleasant change for you, nicam. a nice guy who has waited faithfully for 10 years. and filthy rich too! great!
i wouldn't overthink things. why not just go out there and see how it goes?
i wouldn't overthink things. why not just go out there and see how it goes?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
What does the therapist say?
I think you need to follow that plan of advice.
She/he knows you better than we do and knows more of the situation. I think you need to really do what that person says....but it is AWESOME to see some normie like questions...
Gives the rest of us hope.
I think you need to follow that plan of advice.
She/he knows you better than we do and knows more of the situation. I think you need to really do what that person says....but it is AWESOME to see some normie like questions...
Gives the rest of us hope.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You know things now you didn't know before and you are far more self-aware. I am in no way taking a position on this, but your story is one I share with a woman who is not my RAW. She's married with children, but if we ever had the opportunity without destroying our families I'd see it through with her. The attraction between us remains strong, and was in fact growing, so we mutually agreed to no-contact two years ago (we've kept track of one another for 31 years).
There are no guarantees in life, but I'm no longer going to watch the doors of opportunity open without going through them. If we are ever both single I'm going there immediately.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
There are no guarantees in life, but I'm no longer going to watch the doors of opportunity open without going through them. If we are ever both single I'm going there immediately.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow! How exciting! Go for it, nicam. Remember the saying, when God closes one door, he opens another. Or a window. Or something like that.,..anyway I digress...
Investigate all options and have no regrets. If it works out - great! If not, well, st least you know you won't be looking over your shoulder wondering.
Keep us posted! I love a good love story! ; )
Investigate all options and have no regrets. If it works out - great! If not, well, st least you know you won't be looking over your shoulder wondering.
Keep us posted! I love a good love story! ; )
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