Overachievers and Failure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Overachievers and Failure
I've just returned to SR. I have a string of two week, one week and one 28 days success stories over the past year. I turned away from SR (and myself) in about November and have just gotten back on yesterday.
I can't possibly have that many rehearsals yet.
But I've noticed lately that I have a kind of addiction to the first stages of recovery. Those first healthy days are so hopeful. Then comes the grind.
So I'm afraid of the grind. I can do this today and tomorrow. But I'm worried about what happens as the days stretch out and become less critical.
How do people sustain those long, long days in the middle?
I can't possibly have that many rehearsals yet.
But I've noticed lately that I have a kind of addiction to the first stages of recovery. Those first healthy days are so hopeful. Then comes the grind.
So I'm afraid of the grind. I can do this today and tomorrow. But I'm worried about what happens as the days stretch out and become less critical.
How do people sustain those long, long days in the middle?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
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How do you keep going when you don't want to? By fully committing to your new life. By coming here. By distracting yourself. By replacing bad habits with good ones. By working really hard. By not giving up. By doing whatever it takes.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by Missy7 
I can do this today and tomorrow. But I'm worried about what happens as the days stretch out and become less critical.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I made a quiet decision with myself, that drinking was no longer an option. And I believed it, and my mind began to work in different ways, so I slowly learned how to get through the days without alcohol.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm never very good with new things Missy - if I don't master them soon, I tend to get annoyed and find excuses to leave them - and many many times I found myself doing that with my recovery.
Eventually things got so bad I couldn't do that anymore.
I had to accept what I was and what my problem was and I had to accept that meant changes in my life.
I had to stop fighting the part of me that wanted to drink and not be an alcoholic - because that was never going to me.
I got to the point I didn't care if I didn't do it gracefully, or with panache, or easily or not...I just wanted to do it...I had to get sober.
I did it the hard way and I lost a lot before I woke up to myself - you sound like you're smarter than me tho
You can do this Missy - when the going gets tough, dig your heels in and try even harder - get all the support you can and use it.
There are things in my life I do stick with because I need to - I learned to play guitar because I needed to get the music out inside my head & couldn't imagine not doing that...
I keep resisting moves to put me into a chair or a scooter even tho my legs are really useless...because I need my independence.
Getting sober is that kind of need, I think?
D
Eventually things got so bad I couldn't do that anymore.
I had to accept what I was and what my problem was and I had to accept that meant changes in my life.
I had to stop fighting the part of me that wanted to drink and not be an alcoholic - because that was never going to me.
I got to the point I didn't care if I didn't do it gracefully, or with panache, or easily or not...I just wanted to do it...I had to get sober.
I did it the hard way and I lost a lot before I woke up to myself - you sound like you're smarter than me tho
You can do this Missy - when the going gets tough, dig your heels in and try even harder - get all the support you can and use it.
There are things in my life I do stick with because I need to - I learned to play guitar because I needed to get the music out inside my head & couldn't imagine not doing that...
I keep resisting moves to put me into a chair or a scooter even tho my legs are really useless...because I need my independence.
Getting sober is that kind of need, I think?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Does any child learn how to swim by wading in shallow water? Don't think so. If swimming is the goal than you have to completely immerse yourself in water at one point and practice what you were taught... or if you're a genuine, bonafied bad ass, just jump in knowing nothing, and simply swim or drown. Do that a few times and before long you're backstroking with the best of them.
It's the exact same thing with sobriety. You don't get it from wading around looking, or watching from the docks and shores as the folks who can swim are floating by easily. You must completely immerse yourself in what needs to be done, completely burying your body up to your neck in it. Then you flail around until you float, and before long you're sober and content. When you approach it this way you've left the shores of your own safe harbor for deeper waters. You've burned the docks and even if you want to, you can't easily turn back.
Having followed some of your posts here Missy, my advice is this: Pick any of many programs that suit you, in any combination necessary, separate yourself completely from the safe harbor of your drinking life, and dive into the program(s) head on with a reckless abandon - as if by not doing so you would certainly die a horrid and painful death. That could mean 90 meetings in 90 days via AA, a 28 day (or longer) rehab stint, or something as simple as changing your patterns by turning off your phone and ignoring your drinking buddies - and the social interactions that has you near booze. Somehow, in some way, separate yourself completely from comfort-ability, from your current patterns of life. Replace that comfort entirely with a program of recovery. Deep down you know what is necessary, because we all know the location of the deep end. It's that place looming large past the shallow stuff. The big issue is whether we want to go there and jump in finally.
Learning to swim is inherently not a pleasant experience for most. Learning how to live sober is definitely not pleasant - to make a vast understatement. I mean, in both cases, once the exhilaration of jumping in wears off, you are scared, panicked, feeling like you might drown. You are trying to gain balance in a new, foreign, and completely strange environment. You can suddenly feel like you don't know what might be below you, and those new fears will set you to panic even more. Then there's the physical part, the coldness of the new environment while you adjust to a new temperature, the lack of any sense of familiar balance. Thing is; in both cases there is a singular moment of courage necessary, it's inherent in the decision to jump. It's the courage NOT to reach for the edge of the pool for relief, which, in our case, is the bottle. When you can sit in that uncertainty bobbing up and down, swallowing water and scared $h!tless but NOT head back to shore? That's when you're getting somewhere. That's what it takes to learn how to swim amigo.
I'd suggest that this time you look squarely at the deep end of recovery and instead of wading around it, firmly commit to start from there. Make the BIG decisions, commitments that aren't easily backtracked. Tell your buds there is NO drinking version of you available, and change your phone number. Leave a message on your machine that says "Bye for now, I've left on a life quest". Go stay with a friend in Texas or Timbuctoo, a friend that doesn't drink. Pack a Big Book, some lessons on AVRT maybe, and your balls. Check into a treatment program that will hold you accountable for an extended period of time. Or get to an AA meeting and ask them to help see you through a 90 in 90. For some of us, it's only from that leap of faith and courage that we can find the change we so very much need.
It's the exact same thing with sobriety. You don't get it from wading around looking, or watching from the docks and shores as the folks who can swim are floating by easily. You must completely immerse yourself in what needs to be done, completely burying your body up to your neck in it. Then you flail around until you float, and before long you're sober and content. When you approach it this way you've left the shores of your own safe harbor for deeper waters. You've burned the docks and even if you want to, you can't easily turn back.
Having followed some of your posts here Missy, my advice is this: Pick any of many programs that suit you, in any combination necessary, separate yourself completely from the safe harbor of your drinking life, and dive into the program(s) head on with a reckless abandon - as if by not doing so you would certainly die a horrid and painful death. That could mean 90 meetings in 90 days via AA, a 28 day (or longer) rehab stint, or something as simple as changing your patterns by turning off your phone and ignoring your drinking buddies - and the social interactions that has you near booze. Somehow, in some way, separate yourself completely from comfort-ability, from your current patterns of life. Replace that comfort entirely with a program of recovery. Deep down you know what is necessary, because we all know the location of the deep end. It's that place looming large past the shallow stuff. The big issue is whether we want to go there and jump in finally.
Learning to swim is inherently not a pleasant experience for most. Learning how to live sober is definitely not pleasant - to make a vast understatement. I mean, in both cases, once the exhilaration of jumping in wears off, you are scared, panicked, feeling like you might drown. You are trying to gain balance in a new, foreign, and completely strange environment. You can suddenly feel like you don't know what might be below you, and those new fears will set you to panic even more. Then there's the physical part, the coldness of the new environment while you adjust to a new temperature, the lack of any sense of familiar balance. Thing is; in both cases there is a singular moment of courage necessary, it's inherent in the decision to jump. It's the courage NOT to reach for the edge of the pool for relief, which, in our case, is the bottle. When you can sit in that uncertainty bobbing up and down, swallowing water and scared $h!tless but NOT head back to shore? That's when you're getting somewhere. That's what it takes to learn how to swim amigo.
I'd suggest that this time you look squarely at the deep end of recovery and instead of wading around it, firmly commit to start from there. Make the BIG decisions, commitments that aren't easily backtracked. Tell your buds there is NO drinking version of you available, and change your phone number. Leave a message on your machine that says "Bye for now, I've left on a life quest". Go stay with a friend in Texas or Timbuctoo, a friend that doesn't drink. Pack a Big Book, some lessons on AVRT maybe, and your balls. Check into a treatment program that will hold you accountable for an extended period of time. Or get to an AA meeting and ask them to help see you through a 90 in 90. For some of us, it's only from that leap of faith and courage that we can find the change we so very much need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Wow Pete. Thanks so much for taking the time to really lay it out. I love the pool metaphor--it absolutely works on so many levels. It's the "singular moment of courage" that really will go with me into the next days.
Again, thank you for taking the time. I'm okay today. All day. And I'm so glad you are out there and I finally figured out to get back on SR.
Again, thank you for taking the time. I'm okay today. All day. And I'm so glad you are out there and I finally figured out to get back on SR.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Missy to pick up on Pete's metaphor. For me I was jumping out of the alcohol party plane, high above the earth without a parachute. The important part was the initial decision, the commitment to not turning back and a willingness to take whatever came unconditionally. I did not do this out of bravery but desperation.
For me that is how I saw steps 1 and 3.
For me that is how I saw steps 1 and 3.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Missy7, others have way more miles and experience than me. FWIW, I identify as an overachiever.
I got desperate almost a year ago. I made not-drinking my number one priority for several months until I got some sobriety tools under my belt. As a focus, I committed to a rigorous exercise goal. Training for a half-marathon with 5 runs a week got me out of the house and out of my crazy-making mind. (I see now that these runs were my "meetings.") I leaned hard on SR and my monthly thread.
It galled me to the core that Overachiever Me had to spend so much energy not-drinking. Shouldn't it be easy for me, considering my immense talents and intelligence? My inner Critic told me that I should be using that energy to succeed professionally or something "worthwhile" for the world instead of the paltry selfish goal of not getting blasted. I felt I should be able to handle everything but I was slowly deteriorating.
One of the things that scared me the most was my fear that I had given myself brain damage. (I understand now that I was having panic attacks, including feeling completely lost while driving familiar roads.)
I am humbled by the bottoms and Recovery Stories I read about here. I am so lucky I have this place to learn from others who know more than me.
Thank you for letting me share.
I got desperate almost a year ago. I made not-drinking my number one priority for several months until I got some sobriety tools under my belt. As a focus, I committed to a rigorous exercise goal. Training for a half-marathon with 5 runs a week got me out of the house and out of my crazy-making mind. (I see now that these runs were my "meetings.") I leaned hard on SR and my monthly thread.
It galled me to the core that Overachiever Me had to spend so much energy not-drinking. Shouldn't it be easy for me, considering my immense talents and intelligence? My inner Critic told me that I should be using that energy to succeed professionally or something "worthwhile" for the world instead of the paltry selfish goal of not getting blasted. I felt I should be able to handle everything but I was slowly deteriorating.
One of the things that scared me the most was my fear that I had given myself brain damage. (I understand now that I was having panic attacks, including feeling completely lost while driving familiar roads.)
I am humbled by the bottoms and Recovery Stories I read about here. I am so lucky I have this place to learn from others who know more than me.
Thank you for letting me share.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
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I thought of something else. How you mentioned that you quit something else before no problem (meth? I think?). And how alcohol is harder.
I would challenge that belief and suggest that you never really quit what you were addicted to the first place... which is escape? feeling high? whatever it is.
I would challenge that belief and suggest that you never really quit what you were addicted to the first place... which is escape? feeling high? whatever it is.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
The existential quit is surely escape and genetic predisposition. Major genetic predisposition.
But it's day three and I'm off to work. Every instant of this day is planned (overachiever) including dinner and laundry. Cleaning up the act. The kitchen is clean. Still need to sweep and vacuum. Seeing the therapist. Going to leave a message first asking for an outpatient program. So there.
Balls packed.
But it's day three and I'm off to work. Every instant of this day is planned (overachiever) including dinner and laundry. Cleaning up the act. The kitchen is clean. Still need to sweep and vacuum. Seeing the therapist. Going to leave a message first asking for an outpatient program. So there.
Balls packed.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by Missy7
Balls packed.
Do let us know how the outpatient program pans out yes? I am quite interested to hear about the experience. Also wondering, are you considering attending AA?
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by Missy7
I hope he doesn't tell me he doesn't think I need to go this far...
Be careful. The stereotypical person who 'rescues' someone as your husband did typically doesn't typically knock themselves out in support of their recovery.
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